Online Dating

The wonders of technology make hundreds of men available to you with the touch of a button. Instead of spending time meeting guys and committing hours and days to getting to know what they're all about, you can quickly weed people out with your index finger. There are obviously negatives about online dating (like the creepos) but if you treat it right it can be a successful and exciting activity.
A couple ground rules that I have developed:
Everyone assumes you're chatting with multiple people at once - the guy you're chatting with is, and you should be too.
You don't have to share your life story with everyone you chat with. Keep things light and keep track who you tell what to. Maintain a list if you need to, or better yet, maintain a standard 'story' that you share with everyone, maybe the basic details of your life, and don't move past that until the relationship progresses.
Let the guy lead the way. Sure it's cool to contact someone you find attractive or interesting, but let them send the majority of messages and initiate the conversation. I know I sound like an advice columnist from 1962, but this again will keep it easier to remember who is who while you're talking to a few guys, and makes sure you know who is really interested.
Don't get too involved after a few conversations - meet up, get to know them, have many many phone conversations before moving forward.
Cast your net wide - this is your chance to meet people you wouldn't encounter in 'normal' life, or you might not normally be attracted to. Spending 5 minutes on a conversation with someone who doesn't work out is a lot different than suffering through dinner and a movie.
I'm obviously no expert, but we have many options for dating, especially when we compare to the methods our moms and grandmas were forced to use. With the increase of technology we also have to deal with the negatives - sketchy guys, increased competition, reliance on technology and 'fake' relationships. But if you know how to play the game, I'm confident you'll have a full calendar and an over-flowing inbox.

Jealousy

As women we're supposed to be happy for one another - 100% supportive, happy for our friends when something great comes their way. We always say we're there through everything - thick and thin - but are we really there during the good times? Like really there?
It's always easier to be supportive when our friends are down about something. If we're really honest with ourselves, we're better listeners when they're complaining or crying than when they're gloating or telling us about their great new promotion. If we're really happy with ourselves we can be happy for our friends though.
I finally feel like I'm satisfied enough with my life (and the parts I'm not happy with are my responsibility to change) that I can be genuinely happy for my friends. Sure they might make more money than me, be in better shape, get married years ahead of me or live in nicer homes, but I've consciously chosen my lifestyle and it's my job to be happy and supportive for them. It's also my job to look at myself and figure out why I'm feeling so envious - what is missing in MY life?

What Changed?

How come a guy will totally disappear from the scene after a few seemingly successful dates? So many times I have watched friends spend significant time with a guy, where they'll hang out two, three or even four days in one week, and things seem to be going amazingly well. I've witnessed this situation both with fast-paced sexual activity and none at all. All of a sudden, the guy is so hard to reach we're questioning whether he moved to Antarctica.
I think sometimes guys get scared off. Perhaps they have started to develop feelings for the girl and it is unnerving within such a short period. More likely though, I think the reason behind the cold feet is the girl suddenly seems to easily obtainable. We think the guys are really into us and want to hang out all the time, but maybe their "Sure, you can come over if you want" is not really an invitation. If girls jump at the last-minute ask or off-hand mention of meeting up somewhere a few times, it makes them seem desperate and the challenge is gone. What we mistaken for a true connection and the beginning of a relationship might also be a guy getting annoyed with our quirks or simply wanting some alone time.

A Revelation

I had a revelation last night - it doesn't matter if some people don't like me. My parents tried to teach me this lesson as a child, but I have continued to get sucked into worrying about other peoples' opinions of me. I do care that my family and close friends, people who I respect and love, like me and think highly of me. But others, people who I may or may not meet again, why should I stress out over their feelings? I know I'm a good person; I care about others, volunteer my time, buy good Christmas presents and work hard at my relationships. If people I meet don't appreciate that, my life will go on. I guess I have to come to terms with the idea that not everyone is destined to be a member of the I Heart Dani club.

One-sided

When you start dating someone, it's important to be honest with yourself about how you feel, if you're happy and most importantly, are you ALWAYS initiating things? This is especially true today where technology plays such a huge part in dating. Are you the one sending all the texts? If you have something like an iPhone that shows the entire text history every time you send a message, it's easy to see who sends the majority of texts. Are there 4 of yours for every one of his two-word texts? Are his texts always responses to your questions and nothing else? Who suggests getting together, or sends the 'thank you' message after the date?
It's always hard to admit to yourself that your guy is not showing much enthusiasm. But it's so much better to admit this to yourself early on, than have someone else tell you, or worse, your guy show you, three months down the line.

How to Meet a Boy

Today on the subway I was reading a new dating book, Screw Cupid, and an attractive 20-something-year-old sat down beside me midway through my trip. He interrupted my reading to ask me if the book had been useful so far. Obviously this was a bit embarrassing (I was trying to hide the cover but he must have read one of the chapter titles). I explained that I was reading it for research rather than actual use as I'm currently in a relationship, but we both knew how weak that sounded.
He confessed that he'd read part of (so probably the entire) The Game by Neil Strauss, a cult-classic about pickup artists. He proceeded to brag about his set-up techniques and claimed credit for one marriage to date.We chatted until I got off about 8 stops later, and he was kind enough to participate in some ad-hoc market research.

• When approaching a guy, girls should focus the conversation on something they're passionate and excited about. Not only will she have more to talk about, but being excited about something makes you stand taller, smile bigger and your eyes will sparkle.
• Girls should go places that reflect their interests. My subway friend explained that he likes indie music and would love to meet a girl at a concert who was into the same scene as him.
• I realized that reading a dating book on the subway puts a bit of a target on you. You'll either attract men because you're most likely single and looking, or scare them away with what they'll assume is an intense desire to wed.

My Work BF is Cheating

These days we work long hours and are connected to the office even when we're at home, on a date or vacationing. Because of this our generation is ultra familiar with the phenomenon of 'work relationships'. Most girls I know have a work BF that they are really close to - they develop a tight relationship eerily similar to that of a real BF, minus the obviously important sexual side of things. My latest work BF hasn't been around as much lately, what with busy schedules, other co-workers and different project assignments. It actually hurts a bit, almost the same as if my real BF was interested in another girl or couldn't find the time to hang out with me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is not in fact my BF, my future husband or even that close of a friend, when work is removed from the equation. He can spend his time with whomever he chooses, and it's probably for the best if our work relationship is halted - the best for our jobs, our real relationships and my sanity.

First Date

Over the years I've developed some expectations for first dates. I don't care how much the guy spends, or even if he pays. I'm not concerned with where you go or what you do, just do something. Of course we all love staying in for some snugs, but you need to go out early on in the relationship, and here's why:

• He should put in some effort by suggesting a location for dinner, a fun activity, or offering to pick you up or meet you somewhere that is convenient to you.
• Give him a chance to 'own' the date. Girls spend so much of their relationships taking control of the plans, decorating, cooking, friends. Let him take charge and impress!
• Delay the physical for as long as possible. We all know how tempting it is to move from sitting beside each other to lying beside each other to kissing to naked. The transition to naked is a lot less likely to happen at a restaurant or mini golf course.
• You can look great and put more effort in. Sweats, chips and messy hair are fun and comfortable, but if the relationship is a keeper, you'll have decades for that. Enjoy the initial excitement and energy you have in the early stages and look as fabulous as you can.

The Basement

I dated a guy who, when I'm honest with myself, was ashamed of me. The pathetic part is that I was nothing to be ashamed of, and the saddest part was that I actually put up with it. From date number one, he told me that his parents would never approve of me, because we were from different cultures. I had never considered this being a factor in my dating life, growing up in a very accepting household with parents of different faiths and backgrounds, and I suppose I underestimated the effects of parental disapproval and what some may consider racism. I completely understand why parents hope that their children will grow up to love another of the same background. However, living in Canada, we should be, and usually are proud and accepting of the multiple cultures that are represented in our neighbourhoods.
All I wanted was to be accepted and welcomed into the family (how things change as you get older!) and I would have done anything for his family's approval. Early in our relationship, on a particularly frustrating visit to the basement, I pointed out that to his parents (and to him?) I was as well-liked as a good student, busy volunteer and nice girl as I would have been as a drug addicted prostitute (seriously, I said this). He could do nothing but agree with me on this point.
When I think about it, if he had really been that into me, he would have put up more of a fight, rather than only inviting me over when his parents were out, or basically hiding me in the basement when they were around.

The Rule

The longer you wait to sleep with someone, the more sure you can be that he's into you. We all know this - I've read it in more books than I can count, heard the speech from more responsible friends, and observed the results of anxious behaviour in my less-responsible friends. As annoying and frustrating as this 'rule' can be, it's totally true. There are obviously the exceptions to the 'rule', but there are several situations, not to be discussed now, that I have witnessed that prove this point.
Girls really do tend to get attached after sex, and guys usually just get what they want. I think somewhere along the way, women's lib took a wrong turn, making girls think it is OK to 'use' guys for sex. I have witnessed very few times when this really works, even though girls have spent hours trying to convince me it is the case. Proof in point - if it did work, why are you spending two hours the next day telling me how happy you are that you're just sleeping together and not in a relationship? If you really were happy, you'd be skipping along, enjoying the memories of last night's activities while moving forward with your life.
Just remember when you start dating someone - waiting for 5 or 6 dates before sleeping together is not a big feat, it should be the norm. It seems that today, girls are proud, or feel almost prudish, when they wait a few weeks to hook up. It's crazy to think that we give this up soooo easily!

Texterrific

Texting is a great way to get to know someone, especially when you first meet them or begin dating. Too often a few cute texts here and there turn into non-stop daily texts. This sounds like it should be a positive, but the longer and more intense the text relationship gets, the less chance that it will move forward. Instead of the texts being about innocent flirting and getting comfortable with a future date, they become the focus of the relationship. It's too difficult, or perhaps the guy just loses interest in talking on the phone or hanging out in person.
Have you ever considered that the guy might be texting you while he's out with another girl? Or sending the text to multiple girls at once? Maybe he's just excited that he's able to flirt and build up his confidence without any further commitment. I think that most often though, guys are just keeping their line in the water, trying to keep their chances open with as many girls as possible.
Be honest if you find yourself in a all text, no talk/hang out/face time relationship. Whatever reason they're giving you for a lack of face time is probably a cover.

Put Yourself First

Some people I know are extra considerate of others, which obviously makes them great people, actually closer to Saints. I'm sure their lives are much better in the long run because they have good friends, caring families and are highly regarded, but I've witnessed times when they give up too many things in the interest of others. Sometimes though, you really just have to say "yes, I want to do that, thanks" and get on with it.
My mom is a great example of this - last time she came to visit there was a well-known speaker doing an event at a local Indigo store (Indigo and Chapters stores hold great events...just an FYI). I suggested we stay to watch, but of course my mom, being the generous, considerate and slightly stubborn woman she is, said she didn't mind missing it since I had an exam to study for that day. It was true, I was studying at the time, but an extra hour would not have made the difference on my exam score. We went back and forth on it a bit, and ultimately she won (as she always does). To this day I think she regrets a little bit that we didn't stay, and I definitely have a lot of regret that I didn't push harder for her to make a 'me me me' choice.
I see it all the time - people don't want to hold others up in line so they don't ask that extra question or ensure they received the right change. Some people are too nervous to complain about food at a restaurant, so they suffer through a meal they aren't enjoying and pay the full price. I have a lot of family and friends who fall into this over-considerate category, and I love them because they're wonderful, caring people. But it's important to have a balance in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "my choice is _____".
I'm on it for the next time my mom visits - I'm going to force her to make some selfish choices. After all, it's the least I can do since the majority of her visit is spent cooking, cleaning and shopping for me!

Insanity

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. If you believe he's correct, I am insane. I don't even want to think about all the times I have drank too much and started a fight or argument with someone close to me. I shudder thinking back on so many bad nights and usually try to block those memories out. My drunken frustration has been directed towards a friend or family member a few times, but more often than not it's my BF who gets the negative effects of too many gin & waters. Not only do I wake up feeling physically sick from too much alcohol, but the guilt and embarrassment I feel has a much worse and lasting impact.
I continually ruin great nights or events because too much alcohol is involved, which leads to my inner most thoughts, worries and concerns being shared with people who should probably never hear them, let alone at a bar. Worst of all, because I'm not clear-headed, I am surprised when a BF doesn't want to deal with my shenanigans.
When I'm honest with myself I realize how many relationships have been harmed beyond repair because of the drinks + big night out combination. Maybe I should stop repeatedly doing the same thing if I ever want to see a different outcome.
*Don't worry - nothing serious happened this weekend and I am still in a relationship!

Mama's Boy

How close should a guy be with his mother? I don't want someone who hates his family or only speaks to his parents on holidays, but I don't want to be the second woman in my guy's life forever. An ex of mine was creepily close with his mom. He complimented her on her clothes without even taking a 2-second look at me (the nerve!) and talked about qualities he looked for in a woman, because they were traits shared by his mom. Believe it or not, he even told me that his affinity for large busts was because his mom was big chested. Ew. Not only is that pretty gross but since when does a guy need to explain their desire for a Double-D girl??
I know a lot of great guys who have healthy relationships with their mothers, my brother being one of them. Closeness between a guy and his mom is a great thing, but there are a lot of great women out there who I'm already competing with, I'm not looking to add another to the list.

He's The One

Girls are always wondering if a guy is 'The One'. This pressure is escalated by countless attached women claiming they 'just knew' on their first date or within a certain (short) time-frame. The few times I thought I could foresee a future with someone, I was super off the mark. In one situation, I went out with a guy two times, felt like we had a great connection and it was someone I could really see myself with. About a month later I realized he was totally leading me on and not really that interested. It had become (or always was) a text-only relationship. Another guy I dated seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in someone, looked great on paper, until I learned that he had a few additional qualities I didn't want (a brutally snobby attitude...).
I'm not that stressed about knowing whether someone is the right person for me - based on my luck so far, it's probably a good thing if I'm unsure at this point!

Put Together

I always feel like I'm not quite put-together. When I wear a great outfit, I seem to be missing something, like a great belt or the right bra. When I dress up for a fancy event, I picture exactly how I want my outfit to look, but in reality I have a few extra bulges or the top doesn't fit quite as well as I'd hoped.
I recently went to two weddings, both at which I felt like an amateur compared to the other girls. At the first wedding, my dress went a bit too low for my strapless bra, which of course was a very bright white. I couldn't get comfortable as I had to continually peek down and ensure I was covered up. I assumed that the second wedding was going to be ultra casual since it was at a restaurant. Of course I was wrong and I spent the afternoon feeling grateful I did decide to wear a dress instead of a more relaxed outfit. However I wore tights which really dressed the outfit down, and they were a bit scrubby looking after wearing them all last winter. Also, I noticed in the bright lights of the restaurant that my shoes were scuffed. Great.
When I look around at these events, the other girls & women seem to be so put-together. Their accessories match their shoes which match their purses, their nails are expertly done and they have fresh-from-the-salon hair. And I'm not talking about some high society event - these are just ordinary women like me!
I'm trying to focus on pulling my look together from now on. I know life isn't all about looks and shallow things like great hair, but it also is not about feeling self-conscious and unhappy. I will get up earlier in the morning to blow dry my hair, and I will spend an hour a week to do my nails. I hate feeling uneasy about my looks, whether at work or in a social setting, I find that just doing a quick job on my nails or ensuring I wear the right earrings has helped tremendously already.

White Pants

An ex of mine had a girl roommate who he claimed he was only friends with. She was always really nice to me, and I am pretty positive there was nothing more between them. One night I went over to his place and his female roomie was wearing white, semi-translucent cargo pants (I know, sounds bad but at the time they were pretty cool), which were especially fitted in the butt. They looked good - I will give her that - she had a great body, helped by the fact that she was a university athlete. My ex commented more than once about how great her behind looked at the time (not to me but I was obviously within earshot) and of course I became jealous. I should be mad about him making sexual comments about another girl in my company, but instead what I am upset about is the fact that I took the bait and wore a pair of my own fitted white yoga pants the next day. Not only did I look pathetic for trying so hard to get his attention and approval, but when I'm honest with myself, I know I didn't look near as good as she did. I should have stayed confident, ditched him (obviously) and rocked my look with my regular jeans and a full dose of confidence.

Cheating

I dated a guy who cheated. It sucked. I am still dealing with issues related to that relationship now, and when I think back to it, I wish I had never gone within 10 feet of the guy. Sometimes I feel like cheating is really common-place in today's dating world. You hear gossipy tales of boys (or girls) who have cheated, hear about couples that are working through thousands of dollars of psychiatry bills getting over a cheating spouse, or see a stressed out girl who is wondering where her BF could be and why he hasn't called yet. It's one of the biggest stressors of relationships, and often girls end up ruining a good relationship because of paranoid thoughts, instead of the actual happenings of the past month (year).
Rather than stressing about what he's up to, if he's cheating, or if he could possibly cheat one day down the road, just tell yourself that you won't put up with cheating - that you'll walk out the door the minute a reliable source confirms the sketchy behaviour - no matter what else is going on. Once you confirm this with yourself, you'll be able to relax. Because you can't stop it - if a guy's a dirty dog he's a dirty dog, it's going to happen eventually. And honestly, if a guy cheats, you don't want anything to do with him. You will know that you can move on and be that much stronger for making the right decision. Phewf, that's a huge weight off your chest!

The Dating Life of my Exes

I have a lot of ex-BF's who are single. Not in a bit of a dating funk, more like they've barely dated since we broke up. In some cases we broke up more than 5 years ago. It just struck me as odd today when I (for whatever reason) started thinking about it - I wonder why this is. Here are some of the theories I concocted on my subway ride home:

• They can't get over me (you knew this was coming...), and cannot find anyone to compete with how amazing and perfect for them they thought I was.
• I scarred them enough that they're taking things verrrrry slowly before getting into another relationship. I have in fact heard one of these exes tell me that he thought girls were the devil (post-relationship), so this seems to be the more likely scenario.
• They're really picky. I do believe this is true in at least one of the cases, and in this case by picky I mean they have a way over-inflated view of themselves and believe no girl is good enough even though that's wrong. Not that I'm bitter.
• But really, they're picky. For the most part I think guys that remain single for a long time know what they're looking for and will not settle for anything less. Not necessarily a bad thing, but probably makes their bed pretty lonely on those long winter nights.

Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to why I was even thinking about this today, but thought it would be good for a laugh.

PDAs

Public Displays of Affection seem to be an chat-worthy subject for most people. I've discussed the merits of PDAs, heard many complaints about them, experienced it myself, and witnessed many many examples of it in all parts of the world, with people of all ages. Women seem to be the most passionate about PDAs and have varied and strong views on what is and isn't acceptable.
Those of you who have spent time with my BF and me know that we're quite affectionate in public, something which was very NOT me a few years ago. I blame a lot of it on him and his culture and background, where families cheek kiss every time they enter a room! Regardless of the reasons, I have come to love this added touching and affection in my life - I think people were meant to hug and touch (I'm talking G rated touching here...) when they care about each other. However, I know that a lot of people don't feel this way, and are especially put off by PDAs.
I've spent time trying to figure out what it is exactly that bothers people about PDAs. Sure - if the couple is getting very graphic it's just downright get-a-room uncomfortable to witness. But what's the harm in a few small kisses or some hand-holding? Do I dare think that people are just jealous? I can understand this if you're in a tough drought or more importantly going through/recovering from a particularly hard break-up - definitely hard to watch a happy couple together. Or do people in Canada really just dislike touching in general and think it's unnecessary outside of the bedroom/couch?
I have had my feelings hurt a few times when people have made comments about my BF kissing me in public, and to be honest, when we first began dating I was a bit embarrassed by it too. I see people giving other affectionate couples the evil eye all pretty much everyday, and I feel bad for them (and smile at how happy the couple is). I would have hoped that friends out there would be happier for their girl being with a nice guy who's willing to show how much he cares about them, rather than visually show their frustration. If it's really a problem, please let the PDA-ers know, but maybe spend a minute asking yourself why it's really such a bother to you.
I'm totally open to comments on this post - I know there are more than a few people out there who probably do not agree me.

Drama

Girls love to hear stories of drama involving other girls, even their friends. In my opinion, most girls especially thrive (perhaps secretly) off hearing stories of contemporaries having boyfriend issues. This doesn't really create a supportive 'girl power' network, but instead has girls quietly cheering to themselves, or perking up to eavesdrop on a nearby conversation. I've figured out two probable theories to explain this semi-brutal girl habit: 1) Girls love the satisfaction and reassurance of knowing that other girls are having boyfriend issues, that their relationship isn't the only one that's difficult or imperfect and 2) Stories of girl drama are much more interesting than stories of happy, friendly day-to-day girl activities. Most girls I know have at least a few minutes a day of craziness - crazy thoughts, bad decisions, or random actions. It's always nice to know that you're not alone in your craziness.

Negativity

I have a few friends who are great friends to vent to. We can spend hours on end complaining (mostly about work or maybe about other people), fueling each other on to get to depths of negativity (and bitchiness) that I didn't know existed. The problem with these people is that they're downers. While I like to go off about things that bother me once in a while, they seem to be perpetually set to 'Rant'. In recent months I've been making an effort to keep a positive outlook on life, especially with regards to my job. When I spend more than a few minutes with these people however, I find that I start to feel really down about things as well - it doesn't take long to get sucked in to that way of thinking! I become critical of others, pessimistic about future outlooks or find the bad in things that originally excited me. Recently I have distanced myself from these negative people, and instead have started to really value those close to me who can put a positive spin on things while remaining realistic.

Compromises

When you're in a relationship you have to compromise, especially when it comes to family. It's not fair to complain non-stop about their family or refuse to join in on family events. I hear girls complain about this stuff too often. Getting close to someone means getting close with their family, and the way I see it is you're on the right track if they invite you to family events, holiday dinners, etc. All too often girls lose sleep over the fact that their BF's family hates them, so you're miles ahead if you get along with them. It drives me nuts when people agree to attend the other's holiday events, just to complain non-stop about it. Obviously those family traditions are going to differ from yours (and your family probably seems kinda wacky to them). Maybe your BF has a large family, maybe they have a more religious tone to their gatherings, or maybe his mom has attitude. Whatever it is, when you say "Yes honey, I'll go to Thanksgiving dinner with your family" you better be prepared to keep your comments to yourself and smile and act sweet. After all, you only have to deal with it for a day or two.

Trust Your Heart

I tend to over-analyze a lot of things, as do most girls I know. In fact, a big part of my current job is analytics - what can I say, I'm good at it! As I've got older, I've stopped analyzing every single move that a guy makes in a relationship, but I still spend too much time fretting over decisions (the bigger, the better). When I first considering living co-habitually with my BF, I had elaborate ideas of a test-run, many ground rules, advice from every possible person and umpteen ways to cover my butt should the situation turn sour. If I had had my way originally, I would probably have a month-long test run, then have him keep his place for another 6 months 'just in case'.
Not to say that you shouldn't watch out for your own well-being, but there's only so much in life that you can plan for. I fretted about the decision for a few months, but recently I began to feel very comfortable and excited by the idea - you could say it felt good in my heart, that was what sealed the deal for me. I'm still making sure I'm looked-after in the deal, but I'm up for whatever happens. Too often people don't put enough stock in their feelings and 'gut instinct', which is often the most telling thing in new situations.

Lana's Here!

Yay my friend Lana is here for the weekend! So that means lots of shopping, gossiping, outings, eating, catching up and some drinking! Some....
So I'm out of commission...have a great weekend and be sure to spend some quality time with your girl friends!

You CAN Have It All

I used to think of myself as two different people - Single Dani and Relationship Dani. Up until recently I thought I was a different person in a relationship vs. when I was single. True, your lifestyle does change and your personality and social life will differ a bit, but you're still the same person. I feel like I've finally found a great balance between seeing my friends and spending quality time with them, and hanging out with my BF. Of course there are times that I miss out on drunken nights in downtown TO because I'm with him, but I get to do a lot of really fun things with him and the new friends I've met through him. I still make an effort to meet new people, see old and new friends, and participate in activities that I enjoy. I focus on my career, take trips I want to take, and try my best to be a good girlfriend. No longer is it about calling my girlfriends when I'm down about my BF, I call them to participate in the great parts of my life just as I would if I were single.

Timetabling

If the relationship is a good, healthy, happy one, it should complement the people involved, and allow them to keep doing the things they love doing while fitting a new person into their life. Yes, they will probably have less time to spend with their friends, because they are now fitting someone else into their schedule. This doesn't mean that they're ditching their friends for their BF/GF, nor does it mean that they don't care about their friends. People have a finite amount of time, money and energy, so squeezing a new person into the mix means reducing the size of the slices of the pie for everyone else.
Another common misconception is that every time a person can't do something it's because of their BF. Not only is there an issue, as mentioned above, of time allotment, but maybe that person just doesn't want to hang out. If your friend refuses to come out with you or says they have a busy week, they may just be telling the truth! Maybe they have a stressful week at work, maybe they need some alone time, or maybe they just don't want to do what you're asking them to do. Simple enough. I don't hear people complaining about single people failing to make it to birthdays or girls nights, but when a married or attached girl does, the fingers are already pointing.

Plastics

It seems that more and more people I know have had some sort of cosmetic surgery. I am a big supporter of cosmetic surgery, if (and it's an important if) it's something that has really bothered you for some time, and there's no other way to fix it. For example, if you can just work out a bit harder, do that rather than have lipo!
If you are distracted by the look of your nose in every single picture you view of yourself, or you feel subconscious in every social situation because of your chest size, go for it! Help yourself to feel as good as you can - but ensure that you're happy with the girl inside. It can be a very slippery slope when you continually look to external or material things for satisfaction and confidence.

When's My Turn?

I went to a wedding last night and it finally hit me - I want to get married. Not right now, not even necessarily in the near future, but I do want to get married. I have always been pretty relaxed about my romantic future - I stress about a lot of things but didn't really worry about my marital status at age 40. Like a lot of mid-20-somethings, I've been attending a lot of weddings lately. I really enjoy them and love seeing such happy couples and their proud families. Last night I realized I want my chance to be one half of a smiling couple. I don't think it will change anything as far as my 'dating strategy' per se, but it's important to keep things cool as much as possible. Obvious pressure = scared boys!

Settling

Last week I overheard a girl on the streetcar (Bathurst streetcar, you meet all kinds...) complaining about the guy she's dating because he washed his hands a lot. The story goes that he even expects her to wash her hands when she gets to his place (I presume because TTC buses/streetcars/subs are the germ hot-beds). I had a difficult time controlling my eyebrows while eavesdropping for a few reasons: a) She should be happy that her BF washes regularly, as some of us cannot be so lucky and b) who cares? True that maybe I didn't catch the whole story and he is OCD and washes his hands raw and expects her to do the same - that is unreasonable. Otherwise it doesn't seem like such a bad habit to have.
What's worse is she followed up this story by commenting in a whiney voice "Do I really have to settle right now??". Sorry honey, that's not settling. Being with someone you're not attracted to is settling. Dating a rude DB guy is settling. Feeling pressure to get married so you pick the first available semi-sane man is settling. Reasonable expectations of cleanliness is at most a quirk, but definitely not settling.

He Seems Nice

A common reaction I've heard from people all over the globe, after meeting a friend's significant other for the first time is, "s/he seems nice.". I appreciate the sentiment, but a) obviously we think he's nice too b) if you don't think he's nice are you going to tell me that? (please do) and c) what's the appropriate response to that? Creativity has got to count for something here...

Meet the BF

The whole idea of people who are close to you meeting a new BF/GF is pretty awkward, when you really consider it. First of all, it's hard for anyone to really get to know that person in the allotted time. It takes either multiple get-togethers (at least two or three), significant quantities of alcohol, or an interview-style meeting (think overly protective Dads). It's really important that your friends and family like the person you're with, and for me, I want to ensure they enjoy spending time with him and are comfortable when he's around, or can keep up a convo if I leave the room for a few minutes! Other than that, I'm not sure that approval plays such a significant role anymore.

Friendships

It's funny how friendships change and develop over time. As I get older I have bonded with many new friends and gotten even closer with old friends. There doesn't seem to be a specific formula to determine who will remain close and who won't. Instead, as we grow and change, people will move in and out of our lives, sometimes there for a short, specific period, and others will be there for the long haul. I think we should embrace this and spend time with the people who encourage us to grow, learn, love and laugh. We are no longer kids and our parents do not set our play dates. WE should spend our days with the people who we care deeply about and who care about us, and who make us truly happy. Don't feel bad if you are no longer as close with a childhood friend, or if you spend more time with someone you met 6 months ago.

Martyrs

Martyr: One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
A friend told me last week that he didn't feel bad for a co-worker doing double duty at work because he didn't feel sorry for martyrs. I was surprised at the comment, but when he went on to explain that this person had been given the opportunity to offload some work and he refused, I understood. It was his choice to make, and that offer is only going to be made so many times. Sure, when people are put into uncomfortable or difficult situations it's only natural to feel for them, but when they don't do what they can to help themselves, that is their decision and they have to deal with it. I definitely notice that there's a pattern with this - whether people like the attention or feel bad offloading work, it's a common theme in most workplaces and often in personal life as well.
On the flip side, think about a time you complained about a heavy workload, taking in a guest, or running an errand that you offered to do. I know I've been in that situation more times than I like to admit, and my friends and family are probably sick of listening to my complaints!

Thank You

When someone compliments you, try saying "thank you" and leaving it at that. For some reason girls seem to be hard-wired to instantly put themselves down after receiving any sort of recognition. We work hard to dress nicely, do nice things, and look good, then when we're complimented we downplay it. Also, consider the fact that the person commenting on your new earrings or stylish shoes probably doesn't need to hear (or care about) the life story behind the product. No need to get cocky, but accept the compliment and pass along the good karma to the next person.

Whiplash

What is a girl supposed to do when a guy she is with checks out another girl? I used to get really hurt or offended when guys, even guy friends, would blatantly check out another girl in front of me. What was a 3 second look for them turned into a 20 minute comparison by me, leading to insecurity, work-out plans, and an unattractive pout. If a guy cares about you he should respect you enough to downgrade the looks to small peeks. Assuming the whiplash is minimal, and since girls are often just as guilty of checking out the opposite sex (and spending many hours staring at and critiquing the same sex), I think we should try to let the guys off the hook a bit. Take a deep breath, remind yourself of how beautiful you are, and carry on. I know I'd rather my guy see me with a calm, pretty face than an ugly scowl when he's done peeking.

Life Lessons

I've decided I would like to record some stories of older people (my Grandma will be person #1). It may sound lame but when you consider that some people close to us have been on this Earth for more than 80, maybe 90 years, that's pretty amazing. I'm not great with history, but think of all the things that have changed, appeared, and transformed since the early 1900's. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever-changing world of social networking and technology, I can't even imagine what it's like if your first exposure to a computer was at age 70.
With age comes maturity, regrets, pleasures and true lessons learned. I have always felt that I should learn as much from those around me who are older - whether they're 40 or 80, they have had more experiences with me, and therefore can probably impart some wisdom. Take the opportunity to talk with your grandparents, your teachers, your parents or family friends, and soak up all you can. No one is expecting you to follow every word of advice or avoid making your own mistakes, but you just might come away with a slightly different outlook on life.

Accusations

Accusations are rarely a positive thing. Accusing someone of something without being fully aware that it's the truth is very dangerous. Girls like to accuse guys of things regularly, and usually ti relates to other girls. "You were staring at that girl", "Did you hook up with someone else?!", "You're a dirty dog". It sounds crazy when you just read them here, but in the heat of an argument or the moments of lowest confidence, it's totally normal for girls to utter these phrases. I think if you keep accusing your BF (or a guy you just met) of things, he'll eventually just do them. First of all you're giving him no credit, and treating him like a monster by believing that he would do something dirty or low, either when you first meet him or later in the relationship when you should be trusting him. That's pretty hurtful when you think about it - especially if they haven't really done much to give you that idea. More importantly, if a guy has to listen to your accusations, defend his case, and convince you that he really does care about you, then he might as well just cheat or do whatever dirty deed you're worried about. He has to go through the crappy part of that anyway, so he might as well get some pleasure out of it. I'm not saying that makes it right, but I could definitely see a guy using that argument to convince himself to cross the line.
Just think twice before you accuse a guy of something.

Give Them A Chance

If we are always begging for compliments or getting mad because a guy didn't say something right on cue, we'll never give them a chance to impress us or make us happy! My BF's favourite past time is imitating me saying "Do you like me?" or "Don't you think I'm pretty?" in a really whiney annoying voice. He also likes telling me I'm grumpy, which is usually a mood swing based on something I wish he would have said! Yes, I believe he should say these things more, but there are times when he probably WOULD have said them but I beat him to it, with a high-pitched twist, or I started pouting prematurely. Give them a chance to make you happy, and they probably will. Fishing for compliments is rarely a flattering touch.

Fresh Prince

On the weekend I was lucky enough to catch back-to-back episodes of The Fresh Prince of Belair. I forgot how much I loved that show. One of the episodes I saw was when Will first starts dating Lisa (who he ends up dating seriously). Although I had many chuckles at Will's antics, there was an annoying part to this one show where he kept freaking out about everything to do with Lisa. He was scared she wouldn't like him for something he said, they would resolve it, and then he would be scared to call her again the next day because of something else. I know I'm not explaining this well (apologies) but I got frustrated with his craziness. Then I realized that's exactly what girls do!! We stress ourselves out, ask the guys dumb questions like "do you like me?" when the answer is so obvious, and think that one small thing that happens will be the end of the relationship and the world in general. It was so frustrating to watch it when I knew that it was no big deal at all. Totally made me realize how annoying I must be to my friends and BF. Sorry!

What Do You Really Want?

If you're going to tell a guy that you're just up for having fun or want a booty call, you better mean it. I think too many girls try to be 'cool girls' by acting as if they don't want a relationship and are totally fine with a casual fling. Sometimes we may even think that it's true, and it might be the case. The issue comes when girls say things like "I'm just looking for fun" because they're trying to go with the flow, don't want to push the guy to commit, or they want to seem ultra cool, and they really do want a relationship. Be sure that if you are going to make comments like this to a guy, you mean it, because he'll believe you. He might even want a relationship but assumes that you don't. I believe that this is why you see a guy get serious with someone immediately after ending an ultra-casual, 'will not commit' relationship.

Qualifications

Funny that depending on what relationship someone has with your BF, it really changes their judgement on you as a GF. Apparently my BF's mom believes a good girlfriend cooks a lot (not my strong suit), but other mothers might want to know I'm financially secure and stable. I'm quite sure that a guy's friends judge mostly on how hot a girl is (aka big her chest is?), and if they're a fun time when out drinking. Female friends of a BF probably judge my qualifications based on how nice I am or maybe just my fashion sense. You can never can't please everyone - and as long as you and your BF is happy, that is all that should matter.

The Secret to Happiness

I just finished a great new book, which was centred around discussions, and a friendly relationship between a middle-aged man and his elderly Rabbi. I know it sounds odd (if anyone has read Tuesdays With Morrie, similar idea by the same author), but it was very touching. The thing I remember most from the pages and pages of shared wisdom and advice was the Rabbi`s opinion on the secret to happiness: be satisfied and be grateful.
So simple, but that`s really true if you take a moment to think about it. Some people have everything in the world and still hate their lives and feel totally unhappy. Others have next to nothing but seem joyful with the lives they have. Take a moment each day to think about something you`re satisfied with and what you`re grateful for - it will make your life much happier too.

No Really - It's Not You

After a few failed relationships, or some bad dates, it's hard not to blame yourself. After a handful of short relationships in a row (I'm talking 2 - 3 months of dating each time) I really started to question if something was wrong with me. WHY didn't anyone want to be my boyfriend? WHY couldn't anyone commit to dating me 'for real', after seeming so interested in the early stages? Was I meant to have a string of short, fun, dramatic relationships in my life and that was all? I started to really beat myself up over it, assuming it was my fault and that things would never change, and were out of my control.
After awhile, I began to look at things objectively, and I realized I was going after guys who were completely not interested in a relationship, and had made that clear all along. Or, in other cases, they were just not into me, even at the beginning. With some, they appeared to be 'into it', but when I was honest with myself I realized I had done a lot more of the pursuing than they had.
After this, my advice would be: whatever the reason that things didn't work out - don't change. It was not because something is wrong with you, there was just something wrong with you two together. There are many many reasons why relationships don't work (all relationships, not just romantic) and all you can do is be a good person and be happy and confident with who you are.

Does He Even Care?

Girls get upset about a lot of things. A guy says something, we take it the wrong way, he doesn't even know what he's said to upset you. Sound familiar? It's one thing to get upset around a BF (I'm not condoning this, but hopefully they're a bit more understanding). I'm talking regarding guys who you are seeing, have dated, or maybe even just like. I've spent hours crying over guys who haven't called me back. I've questioned my existence when guys didn't want a relationship with me after a couple dates. I've analyzed for hours on end with my friends about guys who might be with another girl. But the question to ask is 'Does he even care at all?'. When I was crying into my pillow about this guy who didn't call me after 2 dates, did he remember my name? When all my friends knew even the most minute detail about him, did he even know my last name?
I think it's a good exercise to consider things from his perspective. Is he out with his friends having a good time, possibly remembering you as a fun girl who just wasn't right for him, while you're a blubbering mess? Who wants to be that girl? And if a guy has moved on that quickly (or was never really into things in the first place) he doesn't deserve your time or your tears.

Excuses

I'm pretty sure I've become an expert at making up excuses. If I could find a job where all I had to do was develop excuses for why people haven't accomplished their goals and dreams, I'd be set for life. Lately I have had a few...awakenings...if you will. There are changes I need to make in my life but I've been hiding behind excuses all along.
I have made complaints about various jobs pretty much forever (haven't we all?), but instead of doing something to fix them or look for something else, I blame others or allow it to happen because 'it's good money' or 'it's a bad time to leave'. I miss important moments in my friends' lives, but there's always a excuse for not being there. I have stayed with BFs for way too long, but it's because 'I didn't want to be alone' or 'they really were good guys'. I don't travel enough because of money/my BF/my apartment/I'll miss something happening here.
Enough. I'm done with it. From now on, if I decide to do/not do something it's because that is my decision - not because of anyone or anything else. What a relief for myself, and for my friends who have put up with these excuses for years.

There Will Always Be Time

With past relationships I used to stress if we couldn't see each other one night, or didn't get a chance to go to an event or game THIS weekend. I always had a short-term relationship on my mind. I wanted to take advantage of the time we had together because I wasn't sure how long we'd be together. I had it in my mind that we'd only be together a month or two, and if we didn't go where I wanted/do what I wanted on that date, we may never be able to.
That's such a stressful way to operate though - if he cancelled one date I would wonder if I'd get to see him again. Or if he didn't want to stay over one Saturday I'd worry that we'd never get another sleepover. Now I'm OK if I can't see my BF all the time. I do spend a lot of time with him, but if we're both busy all week I know we'll have the weekend, or at least the next weekend, to hang out. If we miss this Jays series there will always be the next one. There is still excitement and desire to see each other, but a lot less stress when our schedules don't mesh well.

Body Image

All of us have body issues. I don't care who you are, whether you're 6'0" tall or 100 pounds, girls all seem to have parts of their bodies that they're unhappy with. Most girls have learned to deal with their issues by this age, but I've realized that we can make it even harder for our friends to handle their issues.
Let me explain: For me, I've always had issues with my weight. Not that I'm huge, but I (like many girls) have always wanted to be thinner. Because weight has always played such a prominent role in my life, I am jealous of girls who are naturally thin. The problem comes when I assume that smaller girls are 100% confident about their bodies, and make off-hand comments or jokes about it. But chances are they have their own problems, and are not totally confident. With my comments I'm making them feel worse. Keep it in mind - next time you complain that your chest makes it hard to find bras that fit, another girl wishes she had a bigger chest. When you complain you're too tall, another girl desperately hates being the shortest in the room. Or when your skinny friend complains she's having a 'fat day', hear her out and understand she's not feeling great about herself, even if she is a size 2.
It's a sad fact that we all have so many body issues, but it's even sadder that we're unknowingly making it worse.

Short Skirts: Inapprorpriate for the Office & Life

On my previous couple posts: Maybe I shouldn't blog after a couple beers and some intense life discussions with my buds. Just saying. Hope you enjoyed the ride on the roller coaster that is my life.

On another note...have you noticed the alarmingly large number of women (often older women) who are wearing inappropriately short skirts (maybe the bottom half of a skirt-suit) to work?? Lucky for me this isn't a common occurrence at my office, but I count at least 3 incidents each morning on my commute. There's nothing attractive about a mini-skirt that's supposed to be a knee-length skirt. It's not the early 90's and awkward skirt-suits should be a thing of the past.

Money

How come money is such an issue in our society? And not only that, but it plays a huge role in our relationships, job choices, and controls who we spend our time with. Do vast earning differences really affect a relationship? How do you handle a significant other who can't afford to do the things you want to do? Do them without him? I can't help but think that leads to you growing apart. And that seems like the perfect situation to meet another 'Mr. Right' who has the same interests as you, and can afford to pursue them.

Questioning my Motives

Since I'm questioning moving in with my BF quite a bit, I wonder why - am I just too logical of a person or is there a real reason why I don't want to commit to it? Even he pointed out that you can't be completely risk-averse with something like this. There is a certain point where you have to commit to your choice and take the good and bad that comes with it. After an annoying night I wonder why I'd ever be crazy enough to give up my place. Not to mention my ongoing thoughts on travel, money, and future plans. I have always believed that if the relationship is for real and it's a good one, you'll move in out of love and excitement. Some of those things seem to be missing for me as I make this decision.

Making Decisions

I like to take things slow in relationships, at least I've felt this way for the past few years (can't speak to my more sporadic behaviour 3-4 years ago!). However sometimes things happen that force us to make decisions or have serious discussions before we may be ready. Think: talking about moving in together because someone loses their job. Or maybe moving away together because a great opportunity came up for one half of the couple...when maybe the original plan was to consider moving 3 years down the road.
I do think that if the relationship is a good one, and you really feel like he's a good match for you, you'll find a way to make it work. It is tough though when things unexpectedly come up. I feel like sometimes these big decisions, made a few months early, can risk the relationship. But, that said, if it's meant to be sometimes it's just meant to be...maybe moving in together a year earlier is a bit tougher at first but it shouldn't be enough to break a fabulous relationship.

What You Should Do

I read a great quote by a really cool author yesterday and wanted to pass it along:
"How do you boost self-discipline? Do the things you know you should do but don't feel like doing!"
How obvious is that? But I totally need to hear that. I can't even tell you how often I don't go to the gym, don't read those books I wanted to, or eat something that is not only bad for me, but makes me feel horrible later. I believe that going that extra step to actually DO what you know you should (and want to) do makes the difference in life. Everyone must have their wild, irresponsible moments, but if you can do more of what you know you should do I'm certain you will feel better about yourself. I'm really trying to take this to heart, and may even track my successes (and failures) via this blog.

What Changes?

Remember back to the early stages of your current/last/any relationship. Remember how you didn't really care that much? I know for me, I always seem to spend the first few weeks or months feeling like the guy is super lucky to be with me, and I'm so confident that he couldn't find anyone better in the world. I feel as if he should feel lucky that I even returned his call, and I never really care whether I hear from him or don't.
Then something changes.
Months later, it's me wondering if he'll meet someone else because there are so many cute girls out there. I wonder if he misses his ex-girlfriend or if he found things about her more attractive. I'm not saying I freak out about this all the time (I do have my moments) but I find it interesting that there's a point in every relationship where my attitude changes without me realizing it. I guess it's related to how much I like the guy - at the beginning I don't really care either way, but later it would be upsetting to find out he did in fact like his ex better, for example. OK I'm going to stop thinking about this now...

Logic vs. Love

We've all had that friend who tells us about a boyfriend who's a jerk sometimes (all the time) and we give her advice that she's too good for him and should get rid of him. We question why she's staying with him and why she cannot see that he's cheating on her. We realize that she'd be so much better off with someone else, or even alone. Yet, when the tables turn, do we follow our own advice? NO. When you're in a relationship it's funny (but not haha funny) how logic seems to disappear. I've even been in circumstances where I have known that I was being illogical in deciding to stay with someone. Yet admitting dumb behaviour doesn't mean I changed it.
This is something to keep in mind when giving advice to friends - we all know how much easier relationship advice is to dish out than it is to follow yourself. When it's you in the relationship - remember that passion is a good thing, but don't let it blind you so much that you become completely illogical.

Pantyhose

Do some companies still require women to wear pantyhose at the office? No matter what season? I keep seeing girls - and I mean girls...or young women at the oldest - wearing pantyhose even though it's summer. Who would ever choose to wear them?

Getting Comfy

How do you avoid getting 'too comfortable' with someone after dating for a while? Getting comfortable is an upside to a long-term relationship, because that's when you can really be yourself and get close to another person. I hear quite often of relationships that just fizzle out though...and I've experienced it too. I guess doing the 'little things' can help...there definitely does seem to be a negative correlation between length of relationship and flower deliveries in my experience. What else do you do to keep things exciting? I think you still need to make some effort to look good, go on dates, and show them that you're happy to spend time with them. Sometimes I take it for granted that my BF will be around when I want him to, so I make plans all week with others. I think relationships get a bit of a boost when you put special time aside and make sure that person knows you really value special time with them. OK I'm a cheese ball but as I hear of more and more relationships fizzling out I value your input as to what works to combat this.

Congratulations!!

My good bud Kristin just gave birth to her first (and my first as a close friend) baby, yesterday morning! Both mom and baby are doing well and I'm so proud of her, and really excited to meet the little munchkin. I kinda had that flash of 'wow that's such a huge thing, maybe this is what life is about' today, like maybe I should do something important...but then I thought about the incredible amount of responsibility that came out with that little girl, and I think I'll stick with my fairly meaningless life for a while longer.

How Things Change..

It always surprises me how much life can change in a short period of time. A certain boy, formerly important to me but no longer even a close friend, messaged me the other night to tell me about a house he was looking at buying. It had special meaning to me - around 5 years ago we'd talked about wanting to buy a place just like it, in the Manitoba country. This boggles my mind a bit.
He is a really great guy (one of the few that I know) and it makes me shake my head when I consider how differently my life could have turned out. I feel like I might have been happy for a year or two, living a low-key, semi-country lifestyle, but chances are I would have become bored. I feel like I was made to live in a big city, but can't help but wonder if I became that way because I moved here?! Who knows. All I know is I'm happy with how things have turned out, and have no regrets. I may have been really happy with this person, living in Manitoba, but that's not the route I took so I'm going to try to enjoy this one as much as I can!

Do It Now

Too often we talk about doing things and don't act on it. I am especially guilty of planning things to the smallest detail, worrying about all possible (but often unlikely) outcomes, talking myself out of something and stressing out before acting on it (if I can convince myself to act on it...). I really think there's something to be said for following the motto 'Less Talk, More Action'. I've also heard people say that sometimes you have to run before you can walk. All these are true in a lot of cases.
Whether this refers to starting a new business venture, booking a trip, taking a course/designation or moving to a new city - these things are huge decisions, but once you've weighed the pros and cons there is not a lot left to do. By no means am I telling you to rush into things, but remind yourself to 'Do It Now' when you're wasting time and delaying your own satisfaction. You're probably scared, but we only have one life...might as well take great opportunities as they come.

The "F" Word

Kelly Clarkson was on TV tonight, and I can't help but wonder if she got kinda fat. I know that women everywhere argue society's expectations of women, and we're supposed to love girls no matter what. I know that the media has created an unnatural image of women, and that being bigger than a size 2 really is OK. But I can't help but think that she's gained a lot of weight...and she just doesn't look as great as she used to. I am not saying she's any less of a singer, but that's what I notice about her now, and blame it on the media, but I just don't think she's quite as fabulous anymore.
You can hate me for this...I just think I'm saying what a lot of people have been thinking.

Nothing Like It...

I swear there is nothing like a solid patio night with a close girlfriend, or girlfriends. I just had a good 4 hour-long catch up, wine-drinking, chat session with a friend of mine, and I feel fabulous. Maybe it's the house white talking, but spending a few hours outside, in the sun, with a great girl is something that just can't be compared to. There's no eye-rolling, annoyed feeling that seems to be inevitable when you're out with a guy. There's no first-date pressure or awkwardness. And you can gossip about all the passing guys and girls to your heart's content. Don't forget about your girlfriends - no matter what your marital status/dating situation/mood...it's so important to have some quality girl time in your life. The older I get the more that means a few hours on a patio, and less hours in a club.

Ex Doesn't Equal Friend

What's the verdict on being friends with an ex? It seems like a conversation for the ages, and I've heard opinions on it from almost everyone I know. When I was younger I managed to remain friends with a lot of exes, thanks mostly to a) I was pretty well over it and probably the one who broke it off or b) I'd already begun dating someone else who, at the time, seemed to be hotter and more fun or c) I still enjoyed the time I spent with them and didn't want them out of my life.
In later years, as the typical bad-boy type entered my life, I tried to stay friends but it was a totally unhealthy situation. I obviously still liked them, even though I wouldn't admit it (like I was fooling so many people) and every few outings would end with me in tears wondering (sometimes to myself, or on the more unfortunate nights, aloud to them) what was so wrong with me that they didn't want to still date me. I'm shuddering at the memories.
So, now that I'm older and wiser (?) I really don't know if it's possible. When I think of it objectively, I have one ex (of many) who I'm friends with. Legitimate, good-natured, I really want the best for him, but don't want him, friends. We broke up about 7 years ago, and now live in different cities. We grab a beer most times I'm in town, and catch up through email every month or two. Friends. Other than that, I've cut most exes out of my life. There was too much jealousy, sadness, or uncertainty, that was just getting in the way of my life. My final thoughts on the matter are that you can't always hope to be friends, and it's actually the rarity that it works out. In many cases you never should have been friends to begin with, and those people are meant to stay as exes.

Big Steps

I've had brief, semi-serious conversations with my BF about moving in together. I don't think it will happen anytime soon, if at all, but the conversations are starting nonetheless. To be honest, the thought scares me more than a bit, and although I love spending time with him, I have never really pictured myself living with someone. I think there's this belief that all girls spend the time between 5 yrs old and 25 yrs old planning their weddings, the number of offspring they'll produce, and complete details of the ideal romance. That's so not me (and I'm sure it's not a lot of you either). In fact, I totally cannot picture myself walking down the aisle, wedding dress shopping, or even moving a BFs stuff into my/a new apartment.
I've spent time considering this fact before, and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of it is probably a result of having a mom who's not very 'girly'. This by no means is a bad thing, we just didn't spend a lot of time gushing about things like hair-dos, designer wedding gowns, or the perfect romance. I'm really happy that wasn't a big part of my childhood - I've had my entire young-adult life to worry about those things, and I'm sure another many years to stress over it.
I guess for now I need to realize that one day, I might be the girl on Facebook who announces she's moving in with a BF or *gasp* even getting married. To be clear...by one day I mean approx 10 years down the road...

Damn Technology

Obviously dating in this 'day and age' is a lot different than it was 10, or even 5, years ago. People rely so much more on texting, email, online dating, BBM, Facebook...the list goes on. In today's world, very rarely do I have phone conversations with anyone, aside from my family, and even then I am more likely to send them an email than dial the phone.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.

Fighting

Some couples fight more than others - we all have friends who seem to read each others' minds and have few, or basically no, conflicts. Then there are the friends who seem to disagree on everything - this can range from nagging, frustrated comments to full-fledged screaming arguments.
In some cases this may be because the people are from a way different up-bringing or background, and their belief systems are just to different. Or maybe one or both people are naturally more dramatic or passionate, building small issues into great ones.
Whichever the reason, there has to be a point where you ask yourself if all the fighting is worth it. If every second thing your BF says or does annoys or frustrates you, he may not be the right guy for you. A good test is to ask yourself if you'd be friends with him, if you weren't actually dating - most of us don't deal with friends who annoy us every few hours, but for some reason we don't just put up with it with boyfriends, we take every opportunity to point these things out, and fight about them! Passion in a relationship is good, but crying isn't...you have to draw the line somewhere.

For Real Relationship

I think I've really grown up in the relationship department (yes, it's about time...). I remember the days (OK it was last year) where I'd purposely talk about a close guy friend to my BF/date-of-the moment, making ambiguous comments in order to make him jealous. Or when I'd make plans and go out, ignoring when my guy du jour called...hoping he'd be a bit worried.
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...

Your Own Worst Enemy #1

Girls are so hard on themselves, it perplexes me sometimes. I mean this first of all in a general way, but specific to today's 'lesson', I'm referring to working out/losing weight/being healthy.
I can't speak for all men, but I really can't imagine a guy talking negatively to himself 10 minutes after consuming a bag of chips, tearing up because he is going to look bad at the beach the next weekend. Sometimes work-outs have to be skipped (it is summer and patio season after all)...but enjoy the night off, rather than feeling guilty like you're playing hookey from the gym.
I'm all for self-control (usually) and maintaining a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle, but seriously girls, cut yourselves some slack! Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on the areas you don't like, pick out a few things that you know really rock - be it your lips, butt, or toes. Work out twice this week instead of 4 times - it won't throw everything off and you'll probably be more excited to get back into the gym the next time. This is a great time in life - we're young, healthy, and I'm pretty sure will look back on this time in years to come, wishing we were back in this shape!

Single and Proud of It...Most of the Time

I honestly think that 75% of my Facebook news feeds are taken up by announcements of engagements, upcoming wedding socials (aka Stag and Doe if you're from ON) and dress fittings. I suppose this is a lot better than sad announcements of divorce and break-ups, but after a while I start to wonder if people celebrate anything else any more.
I don't like to consider myself a bitter aging girl...but at times I feel like it. Have I finally hit that point in my life where the only question people will ask me upon return trips to Winnipeg is 'So when are you getting engaged?' or 'Let me see your finger'? I am proud of the life that I have built for myself in a new city - and my Facebook updates celebrate birthdays, condo purchases and job promotions. But it's a far way in the future that it will announce an engagement. So far that Facebook will be on it's 35th model with an even more confusing layout and the computers will read our minds so we don't have to use our fingers...OK I digress...but you get my point.
Although being single is the right thing for me now, my biggest worry is that this difference will separate my married/engaged friends and I even further than our physical distance across Canada has.

Getting Organized

It's funny how much better and 'together' you can feel after a bit of organizing. Within the last few months I have got a new laptop and Smartphone, and with them, I made an effort to set everything up just as I want it. On top of this, I've cleared out old emails from all my email accounts, and re-organized the folders on my computers, and cleaned my desk at work.
I know this makes me sound really anal (which I kind of am...) but I find when the things in my life are clean and updated, I feel happier, more organized, and in control of all things Danielle. For me, it only takes a few of things to get out of hand, and life starts to feel like it's running away from me. If you feel like things are spiralling out of control lately, take an hour or two to re-organize the things you use regularly, and you will be ready to face the world again.

Service with a Smile

It's amazing what a friendly, helpful customer service person can do to make your day. I just called to cancel a phone service, and I was prepared to defend my choices to the end. However, the girl on the other end of the phone listened to what I was saying, offered me a few suggestions, and then told me how she could make my switch easier. She suggested an alternative hadn't even thought of, still allowing me to switch to the competition!! I'm amazed - I think so many times, in companies big and small, customer service gets majorly overlooked. It was probably just this girl's personality, and I lucked out that I got her instead of some 10 year vet at the end of an 8 hour shift. Still, I'm now leaving this company with a happy feeling and would consider returning to them in the future. Think about if you were running the show - wouldn't you put a bit more effort into the front line if you knew how much you could change people's views of your company or product?
Oh and if anyone knows how you can leave comments for the 'higher ups' at Bell Mobility let me know - this girl deserves a shout out.

Comments!

Please keep the comments coming (agree or argue with me!)...I love to hear from you and really value your opinion! Plus, the other readers probably appreciate hearing from someone other than myself every once in a while!
If you're too shy to post a comment or have some good blog ideas please send me an email, available on my profile, or add me on FB!

Since When...

Since when is it OK for a girl to treat her BF like garbage? True, sometimes guys deserve cruel treatment, if they've been especially dirty dogs perhaps, but on a regular basis girls seem to totally act out of line. Think about a time you've got mad or upset with your BF - would you have treated a close girlfriend, or any acquaintance for that matter, the same way?? I'm not saying suppress your feelings, or don't be upset, but I am talking about totally rude, frustrated, borderline-abusive behaviour.
Last night, while waiting for my hero Gwen Stefani to come on stage at the No Doubt concert, I watched a young couple in front of me 'work through some issues'. The girl came back to her seat after a presumably teary bathroom break, stomping and pouting. When her and her BF had to move seats she tripped over a girl (the seats were tiiiight) and was so frustrated/upset I could see that she really wanted to smack her BF (and perhaps would have if they'd been alone). I have no idea what she was so upset about, but her BF took the abuse and by 'I'm Just a Girl' they were holding hands (I love that song BTW).
I like to think she caught him making out with someone while she was in line to get a Sprite, but in reality what probably happened was he put his foot in his mouth or didn't say EXACTLY what she wanted to hear. Next time a guy does that, try to cut him a bit of slack, or at least don't completely lose your cool. The frustration was so not attractive on her and she for sure ruined a really fun night. Plus, you cannot tell me that for at least a minute he didn't question why he was dating her.

He's Just Not That Into You..Kinda

I think the movie/book He's Just Not That Into You was ground-breaking. Women everywhere nodded their heads in agreement, and blushed a bit, when they recognized themselves in one of the hopeless scenarios. Sometimes I think we've gone a bit TOO far with this concept though. Now if a guy calls 20 minutes late, we're immediately believing that he's not into us. Or when big life changes are ahead - say your BF is thinking of moving away and is unsure whether to ask you to join - you assume it's only because he's not into you.
Gone are the days of thinking things through logically - perhaps he got held up in a meeting, or maybe he's not for sure what his plan is and wants to think things through a bit longer before asking you to uproot your life. I am very happy that women have stopped making excuses for deadbeat guys that really aren't into them, but cut guys, and yourselves, a bit of slack!

Welcome to T-dot

A friend of a friend (so a new friend of mine) is moving to Toronto this weekend, and I've offered to help her get settled in the city, introduce her to some friends, and basically try to make the transition as painless as possible. She reminds me a lot of me when I moved here almost 3 years ago, so I guess I want to help her avoid some of the bad things I encountered, while experiencing the same good things I did.
My first goal is to ensure she has lots to do, on this, her first weekend in the city (and first weekend before starting her new job). When I moved here I stayed with a friend, who was great at introducing me to his friends, taking me out, and putting in a full effort to making me feel welcome. The second thing is learning the ropes, and getting through the day-to-day deets of a new city. When I moved here, my friend's (and my temporary) roomie took me on a tour of the city, to teach me how to get to work, where the good shopping, stores, and practical necessities were. So I'm going to be that person for my new friend. What girl doesn't need to learn the closest Shopper's, prime indoor and outdoor shopping, fun patios, and safe areas for a walk/run?
I think it's important to pay it forward, as the movie taught us (well I didn't actually ever see that movie but I imagine that was the point). If I hadn't had the great support of a few key people when I first moved here, I may very well have returned home one month later. Who really knows for sure, but what I do know is that I avoided sobbing into my pillow, late-night hysterical phone calls to my parents, and any sort of regrets, mainly due to those people.

Get Over It

There's a new girlie book on the market - it's called The Happy Baker and is a cross between chic-lit and cookbook. It looks pretty cool, is available at Indigo/Chapters, and the author has a great site! www.thehappybakerchick.com From what I gather, the author's main pretense is that she bakes to get over bad relationships, hard break-ups and just life in general.
That got me thinking about what I use to get over hard times - of course we need help not only recovering from break-ups or bad times with bad guys (that's just most of the time...), but also hard times with friends, family issues, and an increasingly stressful work life.
A personal favourite of mine is throwing on a comfy, over sized hoody, pulling up the hood, and cuddling up under a blanket. I'm not sure what it is about the hoody, but it's comforting. Some people exercise, some like to go partying (although not always advisable - I think most of us have had a post-breakup night out that ended in crying and drunk dialing). Whatever it is, having a ritual to help yourself overcome a tough time can be really helpful in speeding up the recovery process and easing your pain. I think eventually it becomes a Pavlov's dog-type response - I put the hoody on, and I'm immediately calmed.

Sabotage

Sometimes we sabotage the good things in our lives. I assume we do it, even subconsciously, for a thrill or to add some excitement to our lives. After all, who doesn't love and crave, a bit of drama?
It's really unhealthy though - and I can speak from experience. After a particularly low-key, boring night with an ex, I proceeded to totally over-analyze every aspect of our relationship, questioning why I was with him and if I was happy, and wondering whether my life would be better without him. In turn, I became snappy and pouty with him, focusing on all the negatives and completely ignoring the nice things he'd done for me that day, and that year. This of course made him confused and distant with me.
I totally sabotaged something that was going well...really for no reason at all. I'm not saying you should ignore those thoughts when they come up - it's important to give some thought to how things in life are going, your goals, etc...but to basically start a fight for no reason...that's so not cool. At least I got the drama I was so craving - a big fight and a broken heart.

Beer

Beer is the devil for me. I love love love sitting on a patio, having a couple drinks with friends, but I really need to steer clear of beer. I don't know if any other girls have the same reaction to beer as I do, but let me sum it up for you:

• My stomach appears to be so bloated that I could pass for a girl in my 2nd trimester
• My nose turns red and my eyes definitely have a bit of a drunko look
• Inside, my stomach is doing flip flops as it tries to find relief from so much carbonation and other garbage (plus there is usually a pound of fries involved also)
• About half an hour after drinking, even only 1 beer, I get lazy, tired and super emotional - like I need help with any of those

During the last week I tried to avoid drinking and ate a bit healthier - it really helped how I was feeling (surprising though how often I had to 'refuse' drinks...way too big a part of my life). Yesterday I repeated my old habits and that was enough to convince me to take a break for a while. Just wanted to share.

Totally Unreasonable

Sometimes I am so completely unreasonable I can't even believe it myself...it feels like watching yourself, like an out-of-body experience, saying 'no, NO, stop!' but you don't listen. Today I had a semi-breakdown getting a coffee - I spilled the drink twice, one time burning my hand and another time injuring my purse and sweater. This after having several morning sneezing fits and madly packing for a weekend trip to Montreal. Still though - the coffee spills did not warrant teary eyes and a pouty lip. Why can't I have more control? Yes, today is totally a day that I wish I could crawl back into bed. It's been a really rough week and I just feel like hiding from the world this morning...but obviously I'm not going to do that, so I have to buck up (that's a Grandma word eh?) and face things head on.
It's the overreacting, emotional stuff that I get so frustrated with. I guess once in a while it's allowed, and even expected, but 1-2 times a week, probably not so much. I often wonder how long a guy can put up with sporadic, completely unpredictable appearances of tears...guess we can consider that my new experiment of life.

Walk Tall

When you're walking down the street try walking slower and straighter. Often we are in a rush, get caught up thinking about where we're going, or struggle carrying heavy bags. Take an extra few minutes on your walk to the subway, and walk tall and confidently. I promise that you'll look and feel cooler and calmer, and others around you will notice too.

Give Give Give

Too many relationships are unequal - and unfortunately more often than not, the scale of 'effort and caring' is tipped heavily in the female's direction. I myself have been in many relationships where I give give give all the time, and get nothing but heartache and insecurity back. Make sure that your current/next partner gives back just as much as you give to him. I don't think this is always (or even often) in the form of quantitative objects, but also in terms of caring, loving and snuggles. If someone is going through a tough time, of course you want to be there for them, but ensure that they are someone who will be there for you in a tough time, no questions asked.

The Bar Scene

Lately I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about 'the bar scene'. I guess it's a result of my/my friend's ages increasing and our interests changing. It's OK if that scene just doesn't cut it for you anymore. I know that one of the downsides to this though, is that there doesn't always seem to be a lot of other options available, more in some places than others. So here are my suggestions for other fun, social activities, that do not include dancing on a catwalk or standing in line for 45 minutes.

• Go to a pub for a few beers and perhaps a sporting event on TV
• Sit on a patio for an extended period of drinking and people-watching
• Go to a concert
• Grab a coffee and a good visit with a friend or two
• Go for a walk in a local park
• Window shop (stress window)
• Go to a sporting event
• Have a girls night - watch a movie, eat junk food, chat/gossip/catch up