Absence...Does it Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is the saying "out of sight, out of mind" more accurate?

Sometimes a self-imposed break is a good thing. While you are used to spending a lot of time with a guy, a trip or busy period at work forces you to spend some time apart. Hopefully with this, he will realize how boring life is without you and the nights at home or out on the town are just not quite as fun without you by his side. He'll quickly understand that his bed isn't as cozy and he'll miss the daily chats.

Unfortunately though, sometimes by not being there and being top of mind, you're risking that he'll forget you. Maybe you have only been together a short while so life just returns to normal as you step on the plane. Maybe there are other girls in his life that seem attractive now that you're not front and centre.

If things are meant to be and you have a strong connection, even if it's early on in the relationship, an absence can make things stronger between you.

I know that I should not have to force myself into someone's life or continually fight for his attention, so I will keep going on trips and spending time apart from whoever I'm dating. If this proves to be an "out of sight, out of mind" situation, then I obviously wasn't that important to him in the first place.

Busy Schedule

I am involved in a lot of activities outside of work. In a regular week, I have one volunteer meeting, a business meeting for a start-up I'm working on, a yoga class or two, as well working late and meeting friends for drinks. This doesn't account for the book I'm working on and any extra volunteer commitments I have to spend time on or prepare for.

I choose to have a busy life and have almost always been that way. I think I perform best when my schedule is packed, and I'm really proud of how many activities I'm involved with and how full and varied my schedule in a given week can be.

I've realized that my preference is to date someone who is also involved in several activities. I know this also comes with a downside - it's very hard to find time to get together - but if you like each other enough you should be able to find some time to meet up. I would actually like a guy to tell me he's busy three days of the coming week because he has a hockey game, a board meeting and a guys' night out. That's music to my ears, since by Sunday my week is always almost fully booked. That said, this really is only good if he follows up by saying "I am free on Thursday, and would love to see you then."

I don't think this is too much to ask for - if I can find five things to be involved with, a guy should be able to find at least two.

Me and the Boys

After a lot of analyzing, multiple instructions and hours of contemplating, I went on my trip with the boys. Seven of them. And it was great. I did my best to follow my friends' suggestions in order to be a cool (or chill) girl while hanging out with a group of guys. Mostly I just did what I usually do, which is basically to drink and have fun, but it was still nice to have the notes to refer back to!

I think it was a successful venture, and here's why:

• No plans were altered because I was there (no one seemed overly concerned when I went to bed while they gambled the night away!)
• I kept up with them, whether drinking, eating unhealthy meals, walking in the cold or shopping (especially shopping).
• OK there was one place where I didn't even come close to keeping up - the craps table. But I am a cute dice-roller and I enjoy bopping beside the table when I get bored.
• I felt comfortable enough with all the guys that I could be sitting beside anyone and have a fun time.
• While I did my best to get ready quickly and be easy-going about our plans, I still managed to feel cute and stylish when we went out (ie. I was still a girl).
• I didn't hit on anyone, suggest a late night rendez-vous or uncomfortably share a bed.

I do have to say that these were some of the coolest, most fun, respectful guys I've ever hung out with, so they deserve some credit for making my job easy. I just hope they agree with my self-assessment!

One of the Guys Part II

This is a guest blog by a close male friend of mine. I asked him for his advice on how I could ensure I'm a cool girl the next time I hang out with the guys. He had some great advice - read on!

So, as a guy, when deciding whether or not a girl is welcome out with the boys (cool enough to hang? So 90’s…), I think most people work off of some variation of the chill scale. Here’s a quick idea of what the scale should look like:

Mad Chill = Always welcome out with the boys, no questions asked

Chill = Depending on where we’re going and with whom, she might be welcomed

Not Chill = Why are we even discussing her? I thought the question was what makes a chick “chill” not Straight Up Beeyatches for 500

Okay, so we’re good with the scale, right? Okay, great. Next, guys are genetically similar to dogs. It’s a proven fact. We’re pack animals with our own sets of social rules and a special emphasis on the importance of food, drink, sleep and, well, other more base pursuits. Yes, more base than food, drink, and sleep. Please use your imagination. We do have alpha males, and although some of us might be wolves, and other might be Chihuahuas, we’re all part of the pack…. At the end of the day, it always breaks down to something like this: either you’re part of the pack, or you‘re on your own; there’s not really a lot of middle ground to be discovered in this theory.

As a pack, its important to have rules to keep people in line. Here are the rules, in my estimation, as they apply to chicks who want to run with the pack.

Judge Not, Lest She Shall be Judged (to not be Chill)

When you’re out with the guys, you are likely not going to be in control of the itinerary (read: you won’t get to decide where we go and when). Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to tag along, or even be extremely excited about where we’re going. Feeling this way is forgivable and we can work through it, however, faked enthusiasm will earn you full points. And really, who knows, it might end up being more fun than it sounds. The cardinal sin here is spending a half an hour on your soapbox pointing out how stupid, nonsensical, flawed or boring the plan sounds. If the guys don’t already know this about the plan, it isn’t going to make them happier to hear it from you. The best thing you can do is take off your thinking cap, suck it up and join the group. There’ll be more than enough time to decide it was a bad (or great) idea the next morning. J (Special exceptions to be made for things that are illegal, immoral, or both with a high likelihood of being caught. For example, if the boys decide they’re all going to the rub and tug for happy endings, it might be okay to point out that this you are still a girl and that this idea doesn’t really work all that well for you. Any group of guys that overlooks this likely needs a reminder or a bop on the collective nose with a newspaper.)

Burgers For the Boys!

Remember when I said that food and drink held a special importance in the realm of male? Yeah, well, they do. Everyone definitely has their own favourite food or preferred place to eat, but males are quickly and easily able to compromise and agree upon the lowest common denominator (in this case, somewhere we can all bear to eat). In my experience, this might be anything, but it’s often meat with stuff on top of it between slices of bread (yup, submarine or burger, but Tacos could work in a pinch). With such a beautiful system in place, no guy wants the unexpected hiccup of pickiness, prissiness, or vegetarianism (we do care, just not enough to let it ruin the system). The truly Chill chick will sit down, “man” up, and deal with whatever the pack has decided is the best option. I once had a friend (no longer a friend) who truly didn’t get this. She was experimenting in being a vegetarian, and it led to the following things:

Long drives looking for places to eat

More sushi and salad than any reasonable man could take (and I LOVE sushi)

The realization that this wasn’t fun and friends can be replaced

A truly Chill girl eating out with the boys will consume just about anything, do a little better than that on the drinking front, not mention how this will make her so fat, and definitely not spend the entire meal complaining about how nothing is the way she wants it to be. Social eating etiquette 101 - go ask a dog about it. If you can master eating with the pack, you’re well on your way to being Chill.

Welcome to the Beach! Try not to act like sand…

If a group of guys welcomes you out with them to a magical place where they possibility exists for, ummm, night’s end “smushing”, this means that you’re more to them than just sand at the beach. With this in mind, the Chill chick wouldn’t dream of trivializing or jeopardizing this with any show of jealousy or negativity. Look at it this way, if you were really the right catch for any of the “him”s, why would he have gone back out fish? With this in your pocket, you’re free and open to be objective and impartial, offering valuable advice and tips (“oooh, she’s cute” OR “Yikes, its grenade central at 3 o’clock… recalibrate for 70 degrees northwest, there’s a drunk nest of slutty, low maintenance chicks”).

To close, the consummate Chill chick is not just a girl out with the guys, but a second viewpoint, an instruction manual, a cheat sheet and worth more than any single bar conquest. Chicks on the scene cum and go (or not), but chicks that are Mad Chill are welcomed into the pack as an equal. Have your fun, hunt your own wolves (or dogs, but hopefully not Chihuahuas) and know how awesome it can be if you only embrace your place in the amazing social world of… the pack.

One of the Guys Part III

I've almost exhausted this topic, but not quite. Since I asked so many people for advice on being a cool girl while partying with guys, I thought I'd share what one male friend had to say. Note the emphasis on the first two points.

§ Be funny

§ Be hot

§ Wear jeans, but dress well – dress better than the guys you hang out with

§ Dress for the occasion – look good but don’t over-dress (don’t wear 4 inch heels to a wings night)

§ Be down for doing “guy stuff”

§ Be assertive – don’t be afraid to suggest an activity

§ Don’t be afraid to go home or not join in on an activity (rather than complain)

So let me get this straight...I just need to...actually this is pretty clear. I think I know what I need to work on.

One of the Guys

How does a girl hang out with a group of guys and be cool, not wreck their night out, and maintain some element of girliness? This is the question that's been plaguing me (and everyone I know, thanks to me) for weeks.

I often find myself in the lucky situation where I'm the only girl out for a night on the town - no complaints here as it's usually with a group of fun, cute, platonic male friends. Some of my best nights have been when I've crashed guys' night out. I can drink with them, eat junk food like them and I love watching sports, which usually covers off the activities in a night out.

The biggest challenge is to be one of the guys while maintaining some semblance of femininity and hotness. Although I've never sought out feedback on my success with this, I think I do a pretty good job of being one of the guys.

In my opinion, the most important thing is getting ready quickly. Although this sounds like a small thing, this is especially important when it's an out-of-town adventure. The last thing I want is for five guys to be hanging out in the hotel lobby waiting for me to curl my hair, fuming because if it weren't for me they'd be on their second beer by now.

It's also important to 'be down for whatever'. Guys don't usually have a full plan for the night ahead, but I've come to realize that this randomness often makes for the best nights.

Finally, I try my best to avoid jealousy at all costs. After all I know we're just friends. When the guys are hitting on girls, I turn my attention to the other men in the room. Or I have been known to provide my two cents on the girls' outfits when asked.

It is always nice to get some male attention, so I do try my best to look good when choosing my outfits. After all I don't want to be mistaken for one of the guys!

I have enlisted the help of several friends as I tackle this question - watch for more to come on this topic!

Busy Signal

How busy is too busy? If he wants to hang out this weekend and I'm already solidly booked, I'm going to have to say no. There's a point where he should have just made plans earlier, but right now, even every night next week is busy. I know I will appear unavailable and uninterested if i say I can't hang out, but the alternative is worse. I don't want to have a super open calendar, just waiting for someone to come along and fill it up.

As we've grown up we've been told to build our own lives and not to wait for a man. It's respected to be independent, busy and motivated. I've mastered these things - I love my life and have many wonderful people and fun activities to fill my time with. However, when it comes to new guys, I don't want to appear a) un-interested or b) like an uber-organized over-achiever who has no room or want for fun. I guess if it's that important to me to hang out with the guy, maybe I'll have to postpone another activity so I can squeeze in a date next week.

There is an "I" in Selfish

Long-term relationships are great. It's wonderful to have someone greet you who's interested in your day when you come home after a rough day at work. Relationships mean always having a date for weddings, birthday parties and business functions, not to mention the benefits of snuggles every night and regular 'relations'. Unfortunately, more so for some, long-term relationships also mean compromise.

For those of us who are selfish, these relationships are especially challenging. Being in a committed relationship means compromising on all sorts of things - where you live, when you take your holidays, what money you spend, whose family you visit and which parties to attend. While you may no longer be the only one responsible for making dinner, you also aren't the only one who gets to choose what to eat. When life is getting you down and you want to move away or try your hand at adventure travel, you have someone else to consider. When you want to return to school or try a career change, you may be hesitant to take on additional debt or move to a new city.

Although these things sound petty, live with someone and you'll soon miss the freedom that comes with being single. Call me selfish (I've already accepted it) but I'm looking forward to choosing my next apartment location, taking a trip for an extended period and going for drinks with anyone I want, ex-BF's or mysterious male acquaintances included.

Textual Relations

The number one best way to avoid disastrous situations is to have some great girlfriends who will not be surprised or angry to receive random text messages. I have always been a fan of texting; random texting being my specialty. Of course there is drunk texting, often fueled by evil intentions, but I've been known to enjoy sober, semi-flirtatious TM's, even in daytime hours. Of course these mistakes can lead to short-lived fun, but there are situations when these messages are major no-no's. By having a friend who you can send anything to, from "I'm bored at this lame event" to "I'm thinking of texting (insert ex's name here)...", you can save yourself a lot of embarrassment and anguish. If you don't have this friend, add me to your contacts - it's great enjoyment to be on the other end of those TMs.

Successful, Sexy and Single

I am lucky to be part of a great group of volunteers involved with a Toronto not-for-profit. This group of young people are completely outstanding (I am so under-qualified in comparison it's embarrassing) - with great resumes and amazing personalities. After hanging out with the group tonight it dawned on me that no one is married (at least that I know of). A few people are in serious relationships but otherwise it's a pretty eligible crowd, which is a bit unusual in a group of under-40's.
Not only is this unusual for our demographic, in this case it is astonishing because as I mentioned the group is dynamic, attractive, fun, friendly and ultra-successful. So what gives? Does this support the general belief that young professionals in big cities delay relationships and starting families to focus on their careers? Are they intimidating to the opposite sex? Are they so driven, with so many options available, that they don't want to settle down?
All of these seem like logical reasons, and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. On the upside I now have a solid group of people to set up.

Mirror Mirror...

I'm trying something new - let's call it a one-week challenge. Each time I look in the mirror, which is a lot (I have a lot of mirrors in my apartment including my kitchen backsplash), I have to smile and tell myself I'm pretty while focusing only the positive. I realize this is totally a challenge made for an adolescent but I know that I need it.
After just one evening of following these rules I already feel better about myself. No more negative self-talk or being my own toughest critic. No more picking apart how bad I look - even if my hair is messy or my stomach is especially mushy - I have to focus on the positive and smile at myself for at least a few seconds.
Feel free to make fun of me for this cheesy challenge, but I also encourage you to try it and update me on how it goes for you! I promise your confidence will increase making you feel happier and sexier!

Beauty Queen

My latest guilty pleasure is Toddlers & Tiaras, the show following beauty pageant contestants on TLC. It's simultaneously disturbing and amazing, like a car crash that you can't help but stare at. I wonder what my life would be like if my parents had entered me into crazy intense American beauty pageants as a child, instead of sending me to gymnastics and soccer games. As it is I'm semi-obsessed with fashion, make-up and style even though I spent most of my childhood & adolescence in a demanding sport.
Then there's the issue of parental support and guidance - the favourite line of the parents in this show is "she is a four-year-old and she's a difficult child so I just let her do as she pleases". I'm pretty sure if the four-year-old me told my mom off just one time she would have smacked me, and rightfully so!

It's Been Awhile...and Random Thoughts

I haven't posted forever...I'm sure that you're all heartbroken after missing my random stories and dating advice for an entire month! Things have been busy, and maybe I just haven't been as dating-crazy as usual? Wow something must be wrong!
I'm back at it and May has brought on some new goals - think of it as a New Year's Reso beginning May 1st as opposed to January 1st.
I'm officially training to run my second half-marathon in June, and I've decided to actually train in order to a) avoid major embarrassment and b) avoid any sort of heart failure along the route.
I'm working my hardest to cook more, bring my lunch to work and eat healthy snacks...I'm even cooking now as I write!
I have two trips and one (important!) visitor this month, and I'm going to do all I can to fully enjoy it all. It's going to be busy, and stressful, but I know it will all be a great time!
I'm really working on slowing down, taking deep breaths, and enjoying every day. Sometimes I find that I've been barely breathed for several minutes or that I'm rushing when I don't need to. No more!
Random thoughts, but I feel that by listing my goals here, I have several people holding me accountable!

Year in Review...Days Before My 27th

I can't believe it's been a year since I started this blog. I remember doing a year-in-review last year at the end of March when I hit my 26th birthday. This year was another great one. Although I didn't have quite as many changes or adventures this year, it was still great. Please excuse me for a moment while I publicly reflect on everything I accomplished, learned and enjoyed as a 26-year-old.
- I visited Winnipeg a few times, which although not exotic is a wonderful place where the people who love me most in the world live. Two of the highlights were spending quality time with my Granny and her great stories, and becoming closer with 5 of our family friends' tiny kids. Visiting more often means they don't have to re-meet me each time and I can be important to them like their parents are to me!
- I had a few weekends away and many weekends in town with great friends and family who came to visit.
- I had a 2 week wonderful adventure in Brazil, with two of my closest friends. What a beautiful, amazing, exciting country! I'm planning to return for World Cup 2014!!
- I moved in with my boyfriend who continues to amaze me with his kindness, patience and sense of humour.
- I was promoted at work which has made my job about 100 times more interesting and challenging.
- I got two different, challenging positions at United Way Toronto and am loving being back in the community service scene.
I realize this seems like a blatant opportunity to brag , but that isn't the purpose. I think it's important to reflect at the end of a year, and to set some goals for the coming year.
Aside from my quantitative accomplishments, I feel like I have become a more confident, attractive and fun person. I worry less about the physical things beyond my control (I'm under 5'0"...) and have found some good ways to make myself look and feel better. I enjoy dressing up, love my sense of fashion even if it's different sometimes, feel hot wearing high heels, and love buying new make-up. I don't think I would have admitted to any of those things a few years ago. So far I love getting older and in turn, more comfortable in my own skin.
And in case anyone is wondering, goals for my year as a 27-year-old include completing a good chunk of my first book, spending more time with my family, and planning a Russian adventure with my mom for next spring!

A Revelation

I had a revelation last night - it doesn't matter if some people don't like me. My parents tried to teach me this lesson as a child, but I have continued to get sucked into worrying about other peoples' opinions of me. I do care that my family and close friends, people who I respect and love, like me and think highly of me. But others, people who I may or may not meet again, why should I stress out over their feelings? I know I'm a good person; I care about others, volunteer my time, buy good Christmas presents and work hard at my relationships. If people I meet don't appreciate that, my life will go on. I guess I have to come to terms with the idea that not everyone is destined to be a member of the I Heart Dani club.

Put Yourself First

Some people I know are extra considerate of others, which obviously makes them great people, actually closer to Saints. I'm sure their lives are much better in the long run because they have good friends, caring families and are highly regarded, but I've witnessed times when they give up too many things in the interest of others. Sometimes though, you really just have to say "yes, I want to do that, thanks" and get on with it.
My mom is a great example of this - last time she came to visit there was a well-known speaker doing an event at a local Indigo store (Indigo and Chapters stores hold great events...just an FYI). I suggested we stay to watch, but of course my mom, being the generous, considerate and slightly stubborn woman she is, said she didn't mind missing it since I had an exam to study for that day. It was true, I was studying at the time, but an extra hour would not have made the difference on my exam score. We went back and forth on it a bit, and ultimately she won (as she always does). To this day I think she regrets a little bit that we didn't stay, and I definitely have a lot of regret that I didn't push harder for her to make a 'me me me' choice.
I see it all the time - people don't want to hold others up in line so they don't ask that extra question or ensure they received the right change. Some people are too nervous to complain about food at a restaurant, so they suffer through a meal they aren't enjoying and pay the full price. I have a lot of family and friends who fall into this over-considerate category, and I love them because they're wonderful, caring people. But it's important to have a balance in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "my choice is _____".
I'm on it for the next time my mom visits - I'm going to force her to make some selfish choices. After all, it's the least I can do since the majority of her visit is spent cooking, cleaning and shopping for me!

Put Together

I always feel like I'm not quite put-together. When I wear a great outfit, I seem to be missing something, like a great belt or the right bra. When I dress up for a fancy event, I picture exactly how I want my outfit to look, but in reality I have a few extra bulges or the top doesn't fit quite as well as I'd hoped.
I recently went to two weddings, both at which I felt like an amateur compared to the other girls. At the first wedding, my dress went a bit too low for my strapless bra, which of course was a very bright white. I couldn't get comfortable as I had to continually peek down and ensure I was covered up. I assumed that the second wedding was going to be ultra casual since it was at a restaurant. Of course I was wrong and I spent the afternoon feeling grateful I did decide to wear a dress instead of a more relaxed outfit. However I wore tights which really dressed the outfit down, and they were a bit scrubby looking after wearing them all last winter. Also, I noticed in the bright lights of the restaurant that my shoes were scuffed. Great.
When I look around at these events, the other girls & women seem to be so put-together. Their accessories match their shoes which match their purses, their nails are expertly done and they have fresh-from-the-salon hair. And I'm not talking about some high society event - these are just ordinary women like me!
I'm trying to focus on pulling my look together from now on. I know life isn't all about looks and shallow things like great hair, but it also is not about feeling self-conscious and unhappy. I will get up earlier in the morning to blow dry my hair, and I will spend an hour a week to do my nails. I hate feeling uneasy about my looks, whether at work or in a social setting, I find that just doing a quick job on my nails or ensuring I wear the right earrings has helped tremendously already.

Negativity

I have a few friends who are great friends to vent to. We can spend hours on end complaining (mostly about work or maybe about other people), fueling each other on to get to depths of negativity (and bitchiness) that I didn't know existed. The problem with these people is that they're downers. While I like to go off about things that bother me once in a while, they seem to be perpetually set to 'Rant'. In recent months I've been making an effort to keep a positive outlook on life, especially with regards to my job. When I spend more than a few minutes with these people however, I find that I start to feel really down about things as well - it doesn't take long to get sucked in to that way of thinking! I become critical of others, pessimistic about future outlooks or find the bad in things that originally excited me. Recently I have distanced myself from these negative people, and instead have started to really value those close to me who can put a positive spin on things while remaining realistic.

Timetabling

If the relationship is a good, healthy, happy one, it should complement the people involved, and allow them to keep doing the things they love doing while fitting a new person into their life. Yes, they will probably have less time to spend with their friends, because they are now fitting someone else into their schedule. This doesn't mean that they're ditching their friends for their BF/GF, nor does it mean that they don't care about their friends. People have a finite amount of time, money and energy, so squeezing a new person into the mix means reducing the size of the slices of the pie for everyone else.
Another common misconception is that every time a person can't do something it's because of their BF. Not only is there an issue, as mentioned above, of time allotment, but maybe that person just doesn't want to hang out. If your friend refuses to come out with you or says they have a busy week, they may just be telling the truth! Maybe they have a stressful week at work, maybe they need some alone time, or maybe they just don't want to do what you're asking them to do. Simple enough. I don't hear people complaining about single people failing to make it to birthdays or girls nights, but when a married or attached girl does, the fingers are already pointing.

Martyrs

Martyr: One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
A friend told me last week that he didn't feel bad for a co-worker doing double duty at work because he didn't feel sorry for martyrs. I was surprised at the comment, but when he went on to explain that this person had been given the opportunity to offload some work and he refused, I understood. It was his choice to make, and that offer is only going to be made so many times. Sure, when people are put into uncomfortable or difficult situations it's only natural to feel for them, but when they don't do what they can to help themselves, that is their decision and they have to deal with it. I definitely notice that there's a pattern with this - whether people like the attention or feel bad offloading work, it's a common theme in most workplaces and often in personal life as well.
On the flip side, think about a time you complained about a heavy workload, taking in a guest, or running an errand that you offered to do. I know I've been in that situation more times than I like to admit, and my friends and family are probably sick of listening to my complaints!