Wife Potential

What are guys really thinking about when they begin dating a girl? Are they looking at the state of her fridge, her dirty bedroom or her inability to cook as signs of her wife potential? Or are they blindly going along, only focusing on how good her butt looks in those jeans or how cute her smile is?

I have a friend who has banned me from mentioning my hatred of all things cooking-related because she thinks it's hurting my chances to get married. I'm not trying to snag a ring any time soon so I don't really care, but it has got me wondering: What are guys considering when they're spending time with you?

If I tell a new BF about spending $200 on a big night out, will they think I'm not fiscally responsible and therefore a poor choice for a partner? When I invite him over but do not offer dinner is he thinking I'll make a bad wife? Fine if these thoughts are bouncing around, as long as he's also considering all the amazing things I do manage to accomplish each day! I, personally, think those things make me a pretty spectacular choice.

Marry Me

Remember in Junior High and High School when there was so much gossip about who liked who? It was all about not who liked, but 'liked' each other. You either liked a guy and wanted them to be your BF or you didn't. If we thought adolescence was confusing, life seems to have gotten much more difficult today, at least in the dating department. Yes, we're no longer struggling with chemistry and awkward growth spurts, but now there are numerous ways in which you can 'like' someone.

Recently a guy told me about a girl he knew who "was going to be his wife". They didn't know each other well, but he could tell she was someone he would want to marry. He was planning to get to know her better and I'm sure wined and dined her beyond his regular standards. Even on one of my guilty pleasure reality shows the guys categorized women as "take home to mom" or "wife" types vs. girls they just wanted to sleep with or casually date. And although these guys aren't angels, they did treat those "wife" types way better than the average girl.

In some ways I think this is BS because how do you really know you want to marry someone that early on? But I can understand that a girl can be that type - kind, beautiful, and probably has her shit together. It seems that overnight being the hottest girl in the room or the most fun girl, dancing on tables and doing shots is not quite so attractive. In university, these were the girls that everyone tripped over themselves to talk to (or lift off the table), and although I'm sure guys still love chatting them up, they won't always be the number one girl on their minds.

I'd chalk it up to the age of guys I know, and their eventual desire to have a bit more stability in their lives (at least for some period), but being a dream girl is no longer about the length of your skirt.

Closing Time

A few years ago I was totally hung up about never wanting a good night out to end. I think most of that anxiousness is due to years of build-up and anticipation for attending clubs - when it finally happened I couldn't get enough. I always felt like the night didn't get good until close to 1am, and we had to be home by 2am so that didn't make much of a night.
When I got a bit older the after-parties were the best part of my Saturday. This might have been a group outing to Perkins or someone's place nearby. Often the after party was in the guy of the moment's basement, followed by a walk (or taxi ride) of shame a few hours later. Several times I ended up in sticky situations because I didn't want the night to end. More than once, I decided to head with a friend to a post-bar party with a few guys rather than call it a night with the reassurance that I'd be back at the bar in a week. I was lucky that nothing bad ever happened, but I know that my enthusiasm for continuing a great night put me in some sticky situations to say the least. I've learned that rarely does anything better happen after 2am, especially when you don't know your fellow partiers' last names.

Textual Relations

The number one best way to avoid disastrous situations is to have some great girlfriends who will not be surprised or angry to receive random text messages. I have always been a fan of texting; random texting being my specialty. Of course there is drunk texting, often fueled by evil intentions, but I've been known to enjoy sober, semi-flirtatious TM's, even in daytime hours. Of course these mistakes can lead to short-lived fun, but there are situations when these messages are major no-no's. By having a friend who you can send anything to, from "I'm bored at this lame event" to "I'm thinking of texting (insert ex's name here)...", you can save yourself a lot of embarrassment and anguish. If you don't have this friend, add me to your contacts - it's great enjoyment to be on the other end of those TMs.

Like a Rock

We all go through tough times - whether it's a nasty boss, evil acquaintances, job loss or a sick parent, it seems that people are dealing with tough things more regularly today (ack dare I say it? It may be a sign of getting older). One of the nice things about having a significant other is that they can be there for you in tough times. They are that person who considers you extra-special, and will step in no matter what. In my mind a BF should be there to listen, offer up a ride to the doctor's office, or stay up late helping you investigate new job opportunities.

They need to be there, and during these times their issues take second place. They're minor problems are just not that important for the time being. And for the record, the same goes for you when he is having problems.

Although I do not wish bad times upon anyone, many relationships are strengthened during times of trouble, as it's when people's true colours really show. And if your BF is pouting or selfishly whiney when you're going through a tough time (I'm not talking about minor issues here...the weekly spat with your dramatic girl friend does not count) think seriously about your future potential. After all, there's only more tough times up ahead.

Successful, Sexy and Single

I am lucky to be part of a great group of volunteers involved with a Toronto not-for-profit. This group of young people are completely outstanding (I am so under-qualified in comparison it's embarrassing) - with great resumes and amazing personalities. After hanging out with the group tonight it dawned on me that no one is married (at least that I know of). A few people are in serious relationships but otherwise it's a pretty eligible crowd, which is a bit unusual in a group of under-40's.
Not only is this unusual for our demographic, in this case it is astonishing because as I mentioned the group is dynamic, attractive, fun, friendly and ultra-successful. So what gives? Does this support the general belief that young professionals in big cities delay relationships and starting families to focus on their careers? Are they intimidating to the opposite sex? Are they so driven, with so many options available, that they don't want to settle down?
All of these seem like logical reasons, and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. On the upside I now have a solid group of people to set up.

Doing Things My Way

Our generation has grown up with the idea that it's cool to get married late, you don't need to have kids to be a success and it is totally acceptable to be single after the age of 25. I love this (especially since I totally fit into that demographic) and I think there are some great things about dating in your late twenties and beyond.
Unfortunately the common problem I see with dating at a more mature age (I'm not implying that anyone is old!) is that we're all so set in our ways. I know I'm making it sound like we're 72, but even at 27 I have my own ways of doing things, I know exactly what I like and what I absolutely will not deal with. This can be helpful in narrowing down the search for Mr. Right, but when you're starting out in a new relationship it can mean a lot of butting heads. Simple tasks like washing the dishes, choosing a restaurant and driving to a date can cause major disagreements and a lot of "why are you doing it that way"s. In my mind it's never going to be avoided - we've all been around for 25+ years making our own decisions and trusting that they're the right ones. What's important is that the man you're with respectfully questions you and your actions, in order to learn more about you with no hint of condescension or criticism anywhere nearby.

Happy and Satisfied

As young women we're always focused on what else is out there, assuming we can always get something better. Maybe 9 things out of 10 on your list of desirable man qualities are there, but because your current guy is weak in one (most likely unimportant, shallow) area you're willing to ditch out when the next guy walks past.
I definitely don't think any woman should settle, but because your BF doesn't have the best dinner party banter or enjoy grocery shopping as much as you'd like, does that mean you can't be happy with him?
Not to be depressing, but as time goes on this nagging feeling probably lessens, as your options become less as the number of candles on your cake increase. But for young women, we like lists of 30, 40 or 50+ traits that all have to be met in order to begin to be satisfied. I encourage you to re-evaluate you list, and remember that being satisfied and happy is not the same as settling.

Year in Review...Days Before My 27th

I can't believe it's been a year since I started this blog. I remember doing a year-in-review last year at the end of March when I hit my 26th birthday. This year was another great one. Although I didn't have quite as many changes or adventures this year, it was still great. Please excuse me for a moment while I publicly reflect on everything I accomplished, learned and enjoyed as a 26-year-old.
- I visited Winnipeg a few times, which although not exotic is a wonderful place where the people who love me most in the world live. Two of the highlights were spending quality time with my Granny and her great stories, and becoming closer with 5 of our family friends' tiny kids. Visiting more often means they don't have to re-meet me each time and I can be important to them like their parents are to me!
- I had a few weekends away and many weekends in town with great friends and family who came to visit.
- I had a 2 week wonderful adventure in Brazil, with two of my closest friends. What a beautiful, amazing, exciting country! I'm planning to return for World Cup 2014!!
- I moved in with my boyfriend who continues to amaze me with his kindness, patience and sense of humour.
- I was promoted at work which has made my job about 100 times more interesting and challenging.
- I got two different, challenging positions at United Way Toronto and am loving being back in the community service scene.
I realize this seems like a blatant opportunity to brag , but that isn't the purpose. I think it's important to reflect at the end of a year, and to set some goals for the coming year.
Aside from my quantitative accomplishments, I feel like I have become a more confident, attractive and fun person. I worry less about the physical things beyond my control (I'm under 5'0"...) and have found some good ways to make myself look and feel better. I enjoy dressing up, love my sense of fashion even if it's different sometimes, feel hot wearing high heels, and love buying new make-up. I don't think I would have admitted to any of those things a few years ago. So far I love getting older and in turn, more comfortable in my own skin.
And in case anyone is wondering, goals for my year as a 27-year-old include completing a good chunk of my first book, spending more time with my family, and planning a Russian adventure with my mom for next spring!

Wow...

I totally didn't think about that. That's me, post-clearing my computer of old pictures. My last computer died on me a few months ago, and I'm just disposing of it now. It was easy to move my resume, cover letters and the few other documents I had onto my new computer. But looking through my pictures I feel torn between my old life and the one I'm currently living. I love my BF and the life I have now, but reliving the details of previous relationships through pictures is tough on the heart. Not to mention I now have little (or no) reason to keep those pictures. It's like throwing away several ground-breaking, important relationships, as well as a good chunk of me, without a second thought.
On the plus side, viewing a slideshow of pictures that document the past 7 years of your life is a great way to determine your best hair colour.

Mothers

This morning I spent a few hours (torturing myself) thinking about mothers of ex-boyfriends. I'm not sure where this came from but I realized that I have dated several guys with mothers who either a) were beyotches b) disliked me or c) went really out of their way to make me uncomfortable or d) all of the above. I'm fine with the fact that they may have been unfriendly (cruel) people, or even with the idea that they didn't like me, although I can't really pinpoint what would have caused that feeling.
What is frustrating about these mothers is:
1. I stressed out so much about whether they liked me. Funny when I think about it now because who cares if the mother of your 18-year-old boyfriend approves of you? Chances are you won't be getting married or even move in together, and if she doesn't like you that means you won't have to suffer through awkward family events that always prove embarrassing for both you and your BF. I wish I could go back to those days and take back all the effort spent trying to impress these impossible mothers.
2. I was a great girlfriend, especially to these particular guys. I was a good student, had one or two part-time jobs, was polite and friendly and very much into the guys. I helped them with their classes, encouraged them to get their lives together and in a few cases I was the reason they stopped drinking/smoking/generally wasting their lives. It's so ridiculous now that I think of it - some of these guys couldn't hold down a job or pass a university course, and I was the one getting attitude from their moms?
I wonder how they treat their sons' current love interests (or maybe wives...not sure if any of these guys are married...). My bet would be no better - some people are just impossible. I'm just happy it's no longer my concern.

Shacking Up

I took one of the biggest steps of my life last month and moved in with my BF. That sounds like an exaggeration but it definitely ranks up there with the other big moments in my 26 years - quitting gymnastics, starting university, moving to TO.
It's going really well although I know it's still early. We have both been ultra-considerate and helpful - think "don't worry, I'll do the dishes tonight" - almost as if we're both afraid of driving the other person away. I picture us standing on opposite sides of a large swimming pool, sticking our toes in the water, afraid to create any big waves.
I often laugh to myself, picturing how drastically different my blog posts could be a year in the future. They could focus on our non-stop arguing and how he won't get off his butt to even offer to do the dishes. I really hope it doesn't come to that (I hope I would kick him out before that) but regardless I'm enjoying this calm, happy and polite stage of things.

A Revelation

I had a revelation last night - it doesn't matter if some people don't like me. My parents tried to teach me this lesson as a child, but I have continued to get sucked into worrying about other peoples' opinions of me. I do care that my family and close friends, people who I respect and love, like me and think highly of me. But others, people who I may or may not meet again, why should I stress out over their feelings? I know I'm a good person; I care about others, volunteer my time, buy good Christmas presents and work hard at my relationships. If people I meet don't appreciate that, my life will go on. I guess I have to come to terms with the idea that not everyone is destined to be a member of the I Heart Dani club.

Insanity

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. If you believe he's correct, I am insane. I don't even want to think about all the times I have drank too much and started a fight or argument with someone close to me. I shudder thinking back on so many bad nights and usually try to block those memories out. My drunken frustration has been directed towards a friend or family member a few times, but more often than not it's my BF who gets the negative effects of too many gin & waters. Not only do I wake up feeling physically sick from too much alcohol, but the guilt and embarrassment I feel has a much worse and lasting impact.
I continually ruin great nights or events because too much alcohol is involved, which leads to my inner most thoughts, worries and concerns being shared with people who should probably never hear them, let alone at a bar. Worst of all, because I'm not clear-headed, I am surprised when a BF doesn't want to deal with my shenanigans.
When I'm honest with myself I realize how many relationships have been harmed beyond repair because of the drinks + big night out combination. Maybe I should stop repeatedly doing the same thing if I ever want to see a different outcome.
*Don't worry - nothing serious happened this weekend and I am still in a relationship!

Compromises

When you're in a relationship you have to compromise, especially when it comes to family. It's not fair to complain non-stop about their family or refuse to join in on family events. I hear girls complain about this stuff too often. Getting close to someone means getting close with their family, and the way I see it is you're on the right track if they invite you to family events, holiday dinners, etc. All too often girls lose sleep over the fact that their BF's family hates them, so you're miles ahead if you get along with them. It drives me nuts when people agree to attend the other's holiday events, just to complain non-stop about it. Obviously those family traditions are going to differ from yours (and your family probably seems kinda wacky to them). Maybe your BF has a large family, maybe they have a more religious tone to their gatherings, or maybe his mom has attitude. Whatever it is, when you say "Yes honey, I'll go to Thanksgiving dinner with your family" you better be prepared to keep your comments to yourself and smile and act sweet. After all, you only have to deal with it for a day or two.

You CAN Have It All

I used to think of myself as two different people - Single Dani and Relationship Dani. Up until recently I thought I was a different person in a relationship vs. when I was single. True, your lifestyle does change and your personality and social life will differ a bit, but you're still the same person. I feel like I've finally found a great balance between seeing my friends and spending quality time with them, and hanging out with my BF. Of course there are times that I miss out on drunken nights in downtown TO because I'm with him, but I get to do a lot of really fun things with him and the new friends I've met through him. I still make an effort to meet new people, see old and new friends, and participate in activities that I enjoy. I focus on my career, take trips I want to take, and try my best to be a good girlfriend. No longer is it about calling my girlfriends when I'm down about my BF, I call them to participate in the great parts of my life just as I would if I were single.

When's My Turn?

I went to a wedding last night and it finally hit me - I want to get married. Not right now, not even necessarily in the near future, but I do want to get married. I have always been pretty relaxed about my romantic future - I stress about a lot of things but didn't really worry about my marital status at age 40. Like a lot of mid-20-somethings, I've been attending a lot of weddings lately. I really enjoy them and love seeing such happy couples and their proud families. Last night I realized I want my chance to be one half of a smiling couple. I don't think it will change anything as far as my 'dating strategy' per se, but it's important to keep things cool as much as possible. Obvious pressure = scared boys!

Friendships

It's funny how friendships change and develop over time. As I get older I have bonded with many new friends and gotten even closer with old friends. There doesn't seem to be a specific formula to determine who will remain close and who won't. Instead, as we grow and change, people will move in and out of our lives, sometimes there for a short, specific period, and others will be there for the long haul. I think we should embrace this and spend time with the people who encourage us to grow, learn, love and laugh. We are no longer kids and our parents do not set our play dates. WE should spend our days with the people who we care deeply about and who care about us, and who make us truly happy. Don't feel bad if you are no longer as close with a childhood friend, or if you spend more time with someone you met 6 months ago.

For Real Relationship

I think I've really grown up in the relationship department (yes, it's about time...). I remember the days (OK it was last year) where I'd purposely talk about a close guy friend to my BF/date-of-the moment, making ambiguous comments in order to make him jealous. Or when I'd make plans and go out, ignoring when my guy du jour called...hoping he'd be a bit worried.
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...