Thank G for Her Sense of Humour

I haven't blogged for some time, and recently I've had a few requests to get over the fact that I'm in love and resume writing about the ups and downs of dating.

So what better way to (re)start than to share a story from a friend, who we'll refer to as Rita. This is copy and pasted from our chat this afternoon, so you can feel like you're right in the conversation.

For her sake and mine, I'm very thankful that Rita has a great sense of humour, or this story would have undoubtedly ended in (sad) tears.

Rita:
i met up with this guy... it was a set up
he was late
wearing a bill cosby-style sweater
and not in a fun ironic way
then he got terrible heartburn or something and kept burping and had to run to the store to buy tums
lol
it was brutal
he was also totally unimpressed that i didn't own a car
oh
and the best part was when

Dani:
WHATTTTTTTTT
AMAZING
Very different if the sweater wasn't worn in the "the ironic way"

Rita:
he bascially told me that he frequents strip clubs
hahahaha
amazing
and sooo awful

Dani:
this guy...did he follow you home after and look into your windows?
like seriously creepy
and who the eff set you up with him?!!

So Rita goes on to say that no, he did not follow her home (she's safe) and he did not try to contact her again. Which saves her the unenjoyable task of punching the friend who set them up!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Passion Partay

Last night I finally hosted my first Passion Party. My friend Lesley is a wonderful Passion Consultant, and she explained and demo'd everything from grooming products, sensual massage creams and warming lubricants, then finally onto the big players - sex toys.

There was a lot of giggling but to my surprise very little embarrassment. I suppose it's a result of Lesley's open, friendly, knowledgeable demeanor, plus the super cool group of girls who attended. Girls called out questions and shared stories on everything from their "size", their preferences and what products they're currently enjoying in their bedroom. The group was an even mix between single and paired-off women, and I think everyone found it informative, exciting, helpful and fun. While I was concerned that it might not be a very profitable night for the Consultant, many people purchased items and most openly discussed what they bought (usually purchases are made in a private area).

I had a great turn-out for my party, and thank you to my friends whose purchases lead to a great deal on the products I purchased! What I expected to be a bit of a joke, and possibly lewd or uncomfortable, turned out to be a great way to spend a Friday night with wine, friends and girl talk.

I definitely encourage other women to host their own party! Now I just wonder if all my friends will be exponentially happier and more relaxed in two-three weeks when our deliveries arrive.

The Secret Stage

There is usually a period early in pregnancy when people don't tell anyone but immediate family or close friends of their big news. This totally makes sense, and often saves the couple additional difficulty if faced with a bad outcome in the first few months.

It would make things so much easier if relationships had the same 'secret stage' early on. How many relationships last a month or two and fall apart, for simple reasons? After all, dating someone for a month does not mean that you know him very well. He's essentially still a stranger, albeit one who has probably seen you naked.

By telling everyone you know about your new boyfriend after a couple weeks, you're making it very difficult on yourself should things not work out. It's difficult to hold things in - after all the earliest months are so exciting and giddy, you feel like shouting from rooftops. However, by sharing the news with everyone from your 3rd cousin to your cubicle neighbour, what should be a fairly easy break-up (if there is such a thing) turns into a challenging time where you have to explain the situation and your relationship failures to everyone who asks how your new boyfriend is doing.

I'm not saying it needs to be a complete secret, but maybe hold off on co-hosting get-togethers with friends, booking vacations and introducing him to extended family before you have solidified the relationship past 3 weeks.

An Apology Letter

Dear friends, co-workers and acquaintances,

I'm sorry if I've appeared to zone out while you're talking to me. If I missed that last instruction at work or left early from last week's party, I apologize. I didn't join you at a club this past week and I'm sorry if I change the topic of conversation every 5 minutes. My head is not in the game and I'm sure you can tell.

When it looks like I'm daydreaming, I am. When it seems like my mind is wandering and it sounds like I have a one-track mind, it's because it is, and I do. I'm smitten and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

All the reasonable parts of me are saying "Get yourself together, lady! You have responsibilities, awesome friends, a good job and many hobbies that you love doing."

Unfortunately it's as if the more emotional part of me is screaming while the reasonable side is whispering. Guess which side wins?

I'm smitten and I'm loving all the wonderful things that go with a new relationship. I know I know... it's important to be independent and have your own life and friends. I'm not dismissing that at all, and it's my most popular piece of advice to others. But please give me a short vacay from responsibilities and forgive me for my googley-eyedness.

I don't blame you if you dislike this version of me - I kind of hate me too.

Love from,
Dani

Wrong Number

I'm always a proponent of phoning vs. texting when you first meet a girl. Here's another piece of support for my argument - an entire confusion and near-disaster would have been avoided with one simple phone call.

About a week and a half ago I made plans with a friend who lives outside Toronto to meet up for dinner. He told me he'd "be in town for work" and wanted to see me on Sunday night. When he messaged, I didn't have his phone # saved, but I recognized the area code as belonging to my friend S.H. who had phoned me on my birthday. I was busy at the time of his message, so I quickly saved his name in my phone, made plans to meet up Sunday evening and left it at that.

We messaged a few times over the past week to confirm plans, pick a resto and a time, and tell each other how excited we were to see each other. All along I assumed I was meeting my friend S.H., who I've known for years. Never in my messages did I mention any of the details of our friendship. In fact, upon re-reading my messages they were extremely generic, on both sides, and they really could have been sent to anyone in my contact list.

So tonight I showed up at his hotel to meet him in the lobby as planned, but instead of greeting him with a big smile and a hug, I gave the guy sitting on the couch a strange look and asked what he was doing in the city. I expected to see S.H., and instead the guy who approached me was an airport acquaintance - let's call him Newark Airport - a cute guy I'd befriended during a delay in January.

Needless to say I was surprised and confused, and I don't even want to think about what kind of expressions I was making while my mind raced between the options:

1) Is this actually S.H. and he looks different than I remember?

2) Pretend I knew I was meeting this guy all along and hope that S.H. wasn't going to step off the elevator

3) Explain my error and confirm that, yes, in fact, this was who I had been texting.

I chose the latter and it took me the walk to the restaurant to recover my cool, explain that I am in fact a sane, organized person, and reassure my friend that I was happy he was now my date. It was in fact a very pleasant surprise - Newark Airport was nothing but funny, charming and very cute. It provided a dramatically different vibe to the evening that I wish I'd been prepared for - flirting with a new guy takes a different level of preparation than catching up with an old friend - but all in all I'd deem it a success.

I will just ensure that in the future I call the guy I'm meeting with before I book the reso.

A Boyfriend Equation

BF - intimacy + baseball = Baseball BF

I think this could be the solution I've been looking for for some time now! I don't think my needs are unreasonable. I'd like someone who will go to Jays games with me, and explain an odd call or recite the pitcher's stats. I want someone who will tell me I look cute when I show up for pre-game beers, but I don't need anyone coming home with me at the end of night. I'm not saying this is a permanent position, but for this point in my life, a baseball BF is the perfect BF for me.

He can be in another (real) relationship and it is preferable that he be completely uninterested in me as a potential wife. He should however enjoy my company enough to sit through a three-hour baseball game. He should also enjoy beer.

This is so much better than a real BF because the only drama we should ever face is disagreeing about the second-base umpire's call or whether we should have another beer before the end of the 7th. In my opinion, "I can't believe they're not starting Morrow!" is much more tolerable than "why were you texting HER last night?!".

I'm now taking applications, please email if interested.

I Can't Help But Assume...

All too often girls assume that a guy is into them. Here's a familiar situation: A guy approaches me and I think he's coming to chat me up. If I'm uninterested, I will pre-emptively cut him off. But in reality he's actually just trying to reach the bar (which I'm blocking). This situation ends up being mildly embarrassing and pretty funny, no harm done. Sometimes this can prove to be a tough situation though.

What if it's a co-worker? You've exchanged some flirtatious emails, and maybe he's asked you out casually with other friends. Should you assume he's into you? You can't send an email response saying "I like exchanging these emails that build my confidence and pass the time at work, but I'm not into you" unless he's actually made it clear he likes you like that. Another tricky situation is with randoms at bars. If a guy is chatting you up at a bar and you have a BF, at what point should you tell him you're currently attached? Maybe he's just talking with you to pass the time while his buddy is getting your friend's number. If you incorrectly assume he's wheeling you, you not only scare him off but you seem desperate and unapproachable. After all, who doesn't like a little friendly conversation?

I suggest that from here on guys make it extremely clear when they're into girls. Especially if you have another type of relationship - professional or on a friend level. Please put your egos aside and let us be clear on what your intentions are...then we will shoot you down.

Motor Mouth

I met a guy, we went out last week and we had a great time. I've told my friends about him and of course shared a few details with them. This makes me wonder if he's talking about me. Do boys ask "so any new girls on the scene?" as they are sitting around drinking beer and watching the hockey game? I realize it's probably not how they greet him when he shows up, but does it come up at all? Does he like me enough to say "I met a cool chick and I'm going to see her again next week"? I think I'm a cool enough girl that he should be excited to tell them about me. I guess it depends on a few things: his comfort level with the guys, how many other girls he's seeing and whether I'm on his mind when I'm not around.

Mixing Success!

I hosted my first singles mixer on Friday night, and I'm happy to say it was a success! Thank you to everyone who came out, and especially to those of you who invited friends! I'm not sure how many love connections were made, but there was definite flirting, chatting and excitement throughout the night. I received several follow-up messages since the event, asking about "that tall guy" or "that cute girl" so I'll do my best to re-unite the interested singles.

I'm really excited about hosting some future events, but here is what I've learned to make things better going forward:

• There were a lot of tables and chairs at the venue, which lead to people sitting in one spot, rather than moving around meeting new people. I think sitting is fine (2-3 hours of standing is a lot after all) but it meant that you were stuck speaking with whoever sat down beside you.
• Next time I'd have some free drinks available. While it was nice that there was limited sloppiness, free-flowing alcohol would have loosened people up more.
• While I was worried that people would stick with their friends and be hesitant to mingle, I was (thankfully) proven wrong. For the most part, people spoke with whoever was nearby, and clearly came out with the intention of meeting new people. I hope this resulted in new friendships, if not love connections.

Next up: sports-themed events...think curling, Jays games, pool. For those of you who are less athletically-inclined, don't fret - these will all be sports where beer is the main focus!

Me and the Boys

After a lot of analyzing, multiple instructions and hours of contemplating, I went on my trip with the boys. Seven of them. And it was great. I did my best to follow my friends' suggestions in order to be a cool (or chill) girl while hanging out with a group of guys. Mostly I just did what I usually do, which is basically to drink and have fun, but it was still nice to have the notes to refer back to!

I think it was a successful venture, and here's why:

• No plans were altered because I was there (no one seemed overly concerned when I went to bed while they gambled the night away!)
• I kept up with them, whether drinking, eating unhealthy meals, walking in the cold or shopping (especially shopping).
• OK there was one place where I didn't even come close to keeping up - the craps table. But I am a cute dice-roller and I enjoy bopping beside the table when I get bored.
• I felt comfortable enough with all the guys that I could be sitting beside anyone and have a fun time.
• While I did my best to get ready quickly and be easy-going about our plans, I still managed to feel cute and stylish when we went out (ie. I was still a girl).
• I didn't hit on anyone, suggest a late night rendez-vous or uncomfortably share a bed.

I do have to say that these were some of the coolest, most fun, respectful guys I've ever hung out with, so they deserve some credit for making my job easy. I just hope they agree with my self-assessment!

One of the Guys Part II

This is a guest blog by a close male friend of mine. I asked him for his advice on how I could ensure I'm a cool girl the next time I hang out with the guys. He had some great advice - read on!

So, as a guy, when deciding whether or not a girl is welcome out with the boys (cool enough to hang? So 90’s…), I think most people work off of some variation of the chill scale. Here’s a quick idea of what the scale should look like:

Mad Chill = Always welcome out with the boys, no questions asked

Chill = Depending on where we’re going and with whom, she might be welcomed

Not Chill = Why are we even discussing her? I thought the question was what makes a chick “chill” not Straight Up Beeyatches for 500

Okay, so we’re good with the scale, right? Okay, great. Next, guys are genetically similar to dogs. It’s a proven fact. We’re pack animals with our own sets of social rules and a special emphasis on the importance of food, drink, sleep and, well, other more base pursuits. Yes, more base than food, drink, and sleep. Please use your imagination. We do have alpha males, and although some of us might be wolves, and other might be Chihuahuas, we’re all part of the pack…. At the end of the day, it always breaks down to something like this: either you’re part of the pack, or you‘re on your own; there’s not really a lot of middle ground to be discovered in this theory.

As a pack, its important to have rules to keep people in line. Here are the rules, in my estimation, as they apply to chicks who want to run with the pack.

Judge Not, Lest She Shall be Judged (to not be Chill)

When you’re out with the guys, you are likely not going to be in control of the itinerary (read: you won’t get to decide where we go and when). Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to tag along, or even be extremely excited about where we’re going. Feeling this way is forgivable and we can work through it, however, faked enthusiasm will earn you full points. And really, who knows, it might end up being more fun than it sounds. The cardinal sin here is spending a half an hour on your soapbox pointing out how stupid, nonsensical, flawed or boring the plan sounds. If the guys don’t already know this about the plan, it isn’t going to make them happier to hear it from you. The best thing you can do is take off your thinking cap, suck it up and join the group. There’ll be more than enough time to decide it was a bad (or great) idea the next morning. J (Special exceptions to be made for things that are illegal, immoral, or both with a high likelihood of being caught. For example, if the boys decide they’re all going to the rub and tug for happy endings, it might be okay to point out that this you are still a girl and that this idea doesn’t really work all that well for you. Any group of guys that overlooks this likely needs a reminder or a bop on the collective nose with a newspaper.)

Burgers For the Boys!

Remember when I said that food and drink held a special importance in the realm of male? Yeah, well, they do. Everyone definitely has their own favourite food or preferred place to eat, but males are quickly and easily able to compromise and agree upon the lowest common denominator (in this case, somewhere we can all bear to eat). In my experience, this might be anything, but it’s often meat with stuff on top of it between slices of bread (yup, submarine or burger, but Tacos could work in a pinch). With such a beautiful system in place, no guy wants the unexpected hiccup of pickiness, prissiness, or vegetarianism (we do care, just not enough to let it ruin the system). The truly Chill chick will sit down, “man” up, and deal with whatever the pack has decided is the best option. I once had a friend (no longer a friend) who truly didn’t get this. She was experimenting in being a vegetarian, and it led to the following things:

Long drives looking for places to eat

More sushi and salad than any reasonable man could take (and I LOVE sushi)

The realization that this wasn’t fun and friends can be replaced

A truly Chill girl eating out with the boys will consume just about anything, do a little better than that on the drinking front, not mention how this will make her so fat, and definitely not spend the entire meal complaining about how nothing is the way she wants it to be. Social eating etiquette 101 - go ask a dog about it. If you can master eating with the pack, you’re well on your way to being Chill.

Welcome to the Beach! Try not to act like sand…

If a group of guys welcomes you out with them to a magical place where they possibility exists for, ummm, night’s end “smushing”, this means that you’re more to them than just sand at the beach. With this in mind, the Chill chick wouldn’t dream of trivializing or jeopardizing this with any show of jealousy or negativity. Look at it this way, if you were really the right catch for any of the “him”s, why would he have gone back out fish? With this in your pocket, you’re free and open to be objective and impartial, offering valuable advice and tips (“oooh, she’s cute” OR “Yikes, its grenade central at 3 o’clock… recalibrate for 70 degrees northwest, there’s a drunk nest of slutty, low maintenance chicks”).

To close, the consummate Chill chick is not just a girl out with the guys, but a second viewpoint, an instruction manual, a cheat sheet and worth more than any single bar conquest. Chicks on the scene cum and go (or not), but chicks that are Mad Chill are welcomed into the pack as an equal. Have your fun, hunt your own wolves (or dogs, but hopefully not Chihuahuas) and know how awesome it can be if you only embrace your place in the amazing social world of… the pack.

One of the Guys Part III

I've almost exhausted this topic, but not quite. Since I asked so many people for advice on being a cool girl while partying with guys, I thought I'd share what one male friend had to say. Note the emphasis on the first two points.

§ Be funny

§ Be hot

§ Wear jeans, but dress well – dress better than the guys you hang out with

§ Dress for the occasion – look good but don’t over-dress (don’t wear 4 inch heels to a wings night)

§ Be down for doing “guy stuff”

§ Be assertive – don’t be afraid to suggest an activity

§ Don’t be afraid to go home or not join in on an activity (rather than complain)

So let me get this straight...I just need to...actually this is pretty clear. I think I know what I need to work on.

Seeing an Old Friend

I'm sitting at the bar with a glass of wine, waiting for an old friend to walk through the door. It's been about two years since we've seen each other, and all I can think about is the great chemistry that always existed between us. Nothing ever happened between us...but who knows what tonight will bring.

I wonder what he'll think of me. Do I look fatter than before? Is my hair too blonde or not blonde enough? Am I wearing the right outfit? I went for casual with (what I hope was) some sex appeal...should I have dressed up more? Then there's the bar. So many options in Toronto - Is this a good spot? It's dark-ish and busy, and candlelight always lights up my eyes, so I think it was a good call. But maybe it's too loud, or I look too slouchy since I'm sitting on an awkward bar stool. But then there's the benefits of sitting on bar stools - our knees will inevitably touch and we can lean in to hear each other without a table getting in the way.

I hope he still thinks I'm pretty. I wonder what I'll think of him. Will I still think he's cute, charming, funny? What if we run out of things to talk about 15 minutes after his arrival? What if what if what if...and then he sits down beside me, he jokes about being late and all those crazy thoughts just disappear.

Checking My List

In celebration of the holiday season, I've been checking my own list of sorts. This is also a list of names, but unlike Santa mine focuses on date-ability rather than on behaviour. And everyone on my list is well into adulthood.

When I became single again I felt like there were so many fish in the sea, many of them people I already knew. I still believe there are tons of guys out there, especially in a big city like Toronto, but the people I had initially thought of to be potential dates are quickly running out. It's not like I had anyone lined up, but there were men I have known for years who I thought had potential to become more than friends.

I feel like I'm scanning through the list quite quickly, and coming up empty. Some of the guys have girlfriends now (you snooze you lose), others I just don't like in that way, and the rest are totally not BF material. Funny how the grass is always greener - I had wondered in the past how things would be if I dated these guys, picturing that we would be so compatible. I made the rookie mistake of believing if someone is a good friend they'll be a good BF.

Mixer

One of my favourite dating shows employs 'mixers' to introduce the matchmaking clients with their potential dates. Basically a 'mixer' is a cocktail party where people have a chance to chat and get to know each other in an informal and low-pressure situation. The biggest benefit versus a traditional blind date or set-up is that you don't have to suffer through a dinner date with a complete stranger who you know is not a match for you ten minutes after shaking his hand.

I've decided that I'm going to throw my own version of a mixer, so look for your invite soon. There are a few reasons I want to throw the party, and I already have the perfect location picked out!

- I love parties

- I have many single friends who don't know each other and could potentially hit it off

- My single friends are hot, fun, smart and all-around great catches

- I enjoy getting many friends and acquaintances from different circles together in one room

- This will make for a great chapter in my book

David vs Goliath...in Skirts

This actually happened to me: I was at my university gym, working out when a giant girl (or at least a giant compared to me) knelt down in front of the machine I'm sitting on, so that she's looking me in the eye. I was on a shoulder-press machine, so there was not an easy way to move out of my spot with a beast crouched in front of me.
She proceeded to tell me that she's the Ex (or in her opinion, Current) GF of my BF (not today's BF...). She told me that they were still hooking up, and that he told her I was "a crazy b**ch who always messaged him and would not leave him alone". Ummmm OK. So while my male gym partners, completely oblivious yapping to each other on the stationary bikes nearby, left me to fend for myself, I tried to explain that we really were dating and I didn't know anything about their relationship. She literally had me cornered and I was forced to listen to her for ten minutes, while my desperate glances to the cardio section were ignored.
At the time I totally questioned my BF, and he of course claimed she was crazy and offered to buy me dinner (a huge win with this deadbeat) and so I forgave him, and chalked it up to jealously and cattiness. Of course things did not end there and the remaining few months of the relationship were nothing less than tumultuous. OBVIOUSLY.
Today it is a great story, although a bit depressing that I ever spoke to either of them again. The funny part was where following our work-out and my sharing the story, my friends said "Hmmm we were wondering who that girl was - you seemed kind of annoyed.". Thanks for having my back guys.

Substitute Boyfriend

My favourite storyline in He's Just Not That Into You was the one with Scarlett Johansson and Kevin Connolly. You might not specifically remember this as it wasn't close to being the juiciest storyline, but it really hit home with me. Basically Scarlett Jo is using Kevin Connolly's character as a substitute boyfriend while she was single. She spent time with him, cuddled, shared intimate thoughts and when she met someone new and spicy, all but stopped seeing him.
A lot of women do this, either during a dating drought or when their current relationship isn't providing everything they need. Often women use a man subconsciously - we tell ourselves that we're just close friends and care about each other, but when a new boyfriend comes along your calls to your 'guy friend' are going to decrease dramatically. No question. Not only is this unfair to your male friend, but it's not healthy for you.
Maybe you're single and calling this friend every evening or exchanging daily emails, almost in the way that a couple would. This means that your friend is filling the void that comes with being single. Not that I want single women to be unhappy, but when this void is filled (temporarily) this makes a woman much less likely to head outdoors to find Mr. Perfect. The other common scenario is a woman who uses a male friend to survive a poor relationship. Picture a woman phoning her friend on the way home from spending time with her real boyfriend, who upset her or couldn't be bothered to help with a problem. If this is the case, why be in a relationship with someone who is driving you to tears or can't satisfy your most basic emotional needs?

Valentine's Day for Singles

Valentine's Day has traditionally been viewed as a bitter, trying event for single people. How I understand it though, is that those without a lover seem to band together, creating one of the best party nights of the year. No longer is it a night for sitting at home crying into a carton of ice cream - for single people it's an excuse for a girls' dinner, several bottles of wine or a great night out with all your single friends.
It can also be a great reason to hang out with that guy you've been eyeing - using the excuse that you don't want to be alone on such a horrifically romantic day. My last relationship started for this very reason - the supposed embarrassment or fear of being lonely on Feb 14th was the best way to make the move from acquaintance to date. I say the decades of being the sad single woman alone on V-day are over - this could quite possibly be the best night of the year, and when I was out last night part of me wanted to join in.

Jealousy

As women we're supposed to be happy for one another - 100% supportive, happy for our friends when something great comes their way. We always say we're there through everything - thick and thin - but are we really there during the good times? Like really there?
It's always easier to be supportive when our friends are down about something. If we're really honest with ourselves, we're better listeners when they're complaining or crying than when they're gloating or telling us about their great new promotion. If we're really happy with ourselves we can be happy for our friends though.
I finally feel like I'm satisfied enough with my life (and the parts I'm not happy with are my responsibility to change) that I can be genuinely happy for my friends. Sure they might make more money than me, be in better shape, get married years ahead of me or live in nicer homes, but I've consciously chosen my lifestyle and it's my job to be happy and supportive for them. It's also my job to look at myself and figure out why I'm feeling so envious - what is missing in MY life?

How to Meet a Boy

Today on the subway I was reading a new dating book, Screw Cupid, and an attractive 20-something-year-old sat down beside me midway through my trip. He interrupted my reading to ask me if the book had been useful so far. Obviously this was a bit embarrassing (I was trying to hide the cover but he must have read one of the chapter titles). I explained that I was reading it for research rather than actual use as I'm currently in a relationship, but we both knew how weak that sounded.
He confessed that he'd read part of (so probably the entire) The Game by Neil Strauss, a cult-classic about pickup artists. He proceeded to brag about his set-up techniques and claimed credit for one marriage to date.We chatted until I got off about 8 stops later, and he was kind enough to participate in some ad-hoc market research.

• When approaching a guy, girls should focus the conversation on something they're passionate and excited about. Not only will she have more to talk about, but being excited about something makes you stand taller, smile bigger and your eyes will sparkle.
• Girls should go places that reflect their interests. My subway friend explained that he likes indie music and would love to meet a girl at a concert who was into the same scene as him.
• I realized that reading a dating book on the subway puts a bit of a target on you. You'll either attract men because you're most likely single and looking, or scare them away with what they'll assume is an intense desire to wed.