The Secret Stage

There is usually a period early in pregnancy when people don't tell anyone but immediate family or close friends of their big news. This totally makes sense, and often saves the couple additional difficulty if faced with a bad outcome in the first few months.

It would make things so much easier if relationships had the same 'secret stage' early on. How many relationships last a month or two and fall apart, for simple reasons? After all, dating someone for a month does not mean that you know him very well. He's essentially still a stranger, albeit one who has probably seen you naked.

By telling everyone you know about your new boyfriend after a couple weeks, you're making it very difficult on yourself should things not work out. It's difficult to hold things in - after all the earliest months are so exciting and giddy, you feel like shouting from rooftops. However, by sharing the news with everyone from your 3rd cousin to your cubicle neighbour, what should be a fairly easy break-up (if there is such a thing) turns into a challenging time where you have to explain the situation and your relationship failures to everyone who asks how your new boyfriend is doing.

I'm not saying it needs to be a complete secret, but maybe hold off on co-hosting get-togethers with friends, booking vacations and introducing him to extended family before you have solidified the relationship past 3 weeks.

An Apology Letter

Dear friends, co-workers and acquaintances,

I'm sorry if I've appeared to zone out while you're talking to me. If I missed that last instruction at work or left early from last week's party, I apologize. I didn't join you at a club this past week and I'm sorry if I change the topic of conversation every 5 minutes. My head is not in the game and I'm sure you can tell.

When it looks like I'm daydreaming, I am. When it seems like my mind is wandering and it sounds like I have a one-track mind, it's because it is, and I do. I'm smitten and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

All the reasonable parts of me are saying "Get yourself together, lady! You have responsibilities, awesome friends, a good job and many hobbies that you love doing."

Unfortunately it's as if the more emotional part of me is screaming while the reasonable side is whispering. Guess which side wins?

I'm smitten and I'm loving all the wonderful things that go with a new relationship. I know I know... it's important to be independent and have your own life and friends. I'm not dismissing that at all, and it's my most popular piece of advice to others. But please give me a short vacay from responsibilities and forgive me for my googley-eyedness.

I don't blame you if you dislike this version of me - I kind of hate me too.

Love from,
Dani

Absence...Does it Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is the saying "out of sight, out of mind" more accurate?

Sometimes a self-imposed break is a good thing. While you are used to spending a lot of time with a guy, a trip or busy period at work forces you to spend some time apart. Hopefully with this, he will realize how boring life is without you and the nights at home or out on the town are just not quite as fun without you by his side. He'll quickly understand that his bed isn't as cozy and he'll miss the daily chats.

Unfortunately though, sometimes by not being there and being top of mind, you're risking that he'll forget you. Maybe you have only been together a short while so life just returns to normal as you step on the plane. Maybe there are other girls in his life that seem attractive now that you're not front and centre.

If things are meant to be and you have a strong connection, even if it's early on in the relationship, an absence can make things stronger between you.

I know that I should not have to force myself into someone's life or continually fight for his attention, so I will keep going on trips and spending time apart from whoever I'm dating. If this proves to be an "out of sight, out of mind" situation, then I obviously wasn't that important to him in the first place.

I'm an Excellent Driver

In the traditional sense, men have always been the drivers of relationships. Girls are taught that if a man likes you, he will approach you, ask for your number, call you and if he can't get hold of you, run to your house and camp outside until you answer the door. In the classics, men would spend days journeying to see the woman they loved, just to find her away from the house, or worse, already engaged to someone else.

Today, we still expect a man to drive the relationship forward. I speak all the time about how if a man likes you, he will ask you out, otherwise he's not that into you. It has recently been brought to my attention, however, that some men prefer to let the woman steer the relationship.

While I initially argued against this, the more I think about it, I have been the driver in many of my past relationships. I tend to date laid back guys, which I like, since I can be pretty high-strung at times. Also I'm a big-time planner, and have been since I was five years old, and I'm extremely organized. Not to mention I'm bossy. So naturally I end up steering things. That isn't to say the guys weren't interested, they just didn't pursue me in the same manner we're taught to expect.

That said, I still really appreciate a guy who will tell me he likes me. I'm fine with making some of the plans, but if you're interested, ensure you show me that you're interested. It doesn't hurt to plan a nice date, tell me I look pretty or invite me to join you at an important event. Sometimes by allowing the girl to drive, guys give off an air of not really caring how things turn out, which is unfortunate if they really are interested.

I am not a fan of dating games but there is a point where I will stop messaging you/suggesting we hang out/making plans, no matter how receptive you appear, just to force you to initiate something and therefore confirm whether you like me.

The Rule

The main lesson I learned from the book (and movie) He's Just Not That Into You is that girls should expect to be the rule, not the exception to the rule. When a guy doesn't call after your first date, it's unlikely that his phone was swallowed by a bear and more likely that he just wasn't feeling it. When a guy won't call you his girlfriend, he probably wants to keep dating other girls, even if he says he has long-seeded commitment issues or is going on a worldwide adventure in a month (does he actually have a ticket booked?). The rule generally applies, regardless of the stories a guy tells you or more likely, the stories you tell yourself.

I've been spending time with a guy I met through another friend. Before becoming closer with him I had been told that he dates regularly but never anything serious. For whatever reason (or excuse) he generally doesn't have girlfriends just dates people for a month or two and moves on. This didn't bother me in the least until we began spending more time together, and as usual, the dynamic changed slightly and I became more interested in him.

He messages me regularly and acts like a great friend and stand-up guy. We have a lot of fun when we are together and he has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a guy. But it dawned on me the other night, why would this be any different for him than any other girl he's spent time with? Why should I expect the outcome to differ from his last few relationships? Not to say I don't think I'm worth it, but history has to be some sort of indicator of the future.

I'm sure he's had other cute girls laughing hysterically at his jokes, girls who he enjoyed their company and invited to hang out often. Yet he didn't make the move to officially date them, become exclusive and have a mature relationship. So why would that change with me? Rather than spend time convincing myself that I'm the exception, I think I'll move on to a guy where the rule is what I want.

A Boyfriend Equation

BF - intimacy + baseball = Baseball BF

I think this could be the solution I've been looking for for some time now! I don't think my needs are unreasonable. I'd like someone who will go to Jays games with me, and explain an odd call or recite the pitcher's stats. I want someone who will tell me I look cute when I show up for pre-game beers, but I don't need anyone coming home with me at the end of night. I'm not saying this is a permanent position, but for this point in my life, a baseball BF is the perfect BF for me.

He can be in another (real) relationship and it is preferable that he be completely uninterested in me as a potential wife. He should however enjoy my company enough to sit through a three-hour baseball game. He should also enjoy beer.

This is so much better than a real BF because the only drama we should ever face is disagreeing about the second-base umpire's call or whether we should have another beer before the end of the 7th. In my opinion, "I can't believe they're not starting Morrow!" is much more tolerable than "why were you texting HER last night?!".

I'm now taking applications, please email if interested.

Why You Should Never Change Plans for a Guy

Here's a fun little story taken straight from my life: It begins with me, on Friday morning, asking a guy I'm seeing if he wants to hang out later that night. Here's the conversation and sequence of events that follow:

Him: I'm busy later tonight with some friends but how about breakfast tomorrow?

Me: Sure, I have plans in the afternoon so it will have to be early.

Him: Sounds great, blah blah blah, I'll come to your neighbourhood, blah blah blah, I'm a nice guy, blah blah I'll be there at 10am

On Friday night I met friends for post-work drinks, and I also had an invite for later that night, but seeing as I had to be up at 9am and wanted to look and feel good, I decide to call it an early night. Granted I was exhausted from the week and wanted the rest, but knowing I had to be up early really solidified my decision. I was actually excited to rise early and meet with him when I went to bed.

2:47am: I am awakened by a text message. And I quote: "Hey I'm jus going to bed, gonna bail on tmrw since there's no way I'm getting up in time. I will def give u a shout tho...super sorry again"

Yes...super sorry again because he's bailed on me before. The last time was on something way more important than a breakfast, but nonetheless bailing 7 hours before just tells me he doesn't care that much. I know guys who would make it to a 10am date if they had only one hour of sleep, just so they could see the girl!

I have other people to see tomorrow and know that my day will still be fun, but I wish I had gone out and danced, drank and partied with my friends last night. I just might have met a cute, reliable guy.

Change of Heart

When you first begin dating someone, things can change really quickly. One week things can be fun, exciting and full of romantic dates, and the next week the guy doesn't seem so attractive to you, or maybe the he is just nowhere to be found.

This is one of the trickiest things with dating - you never know when your time together will be the last. Because there isn't a lot of depth to your relationship at this point, it doesn't take much for one party to have a change of heart.

Perhaps on your last date you said something that didn't seem like a big deal, but it scared him off. Or maybe you have a great night and he leaves feeling as if you're perfect, but the next day he gets a call from his ex begging for him back. Your three dates can't compete with their months or years together. On Monday you could go for a great dinner, talk on Tuesday and by Friday he could have met someone else. Because there's no commitment at this stage, this is totally allowed, but it still comes as a surprise when it happens to you.

In my opinion the worst thing you can do early on is make plans for more than a week or two in the future. Although it's super tempting, because you like the person and enjoy spending time with them, this just leads to disappointment and potential awkwardness if things don't work out.

I'm not counting on the guy I'm seeing now to be at my birthday in just over a month. Although that sounds harsh, and seems a bit sad right now, I know it's a complete possibility. All you can hope for is that things continue on a good path and if you aren't still dating in the future, that there will be no hard feelings. Otherwise that concert we have tickets for could be a bit awkward...

Comfort Zone

What happens when a guy invites you to do something out of your comfort zone early in your relationship? Maybe he invites you to go surfing on a second date (assuming you live in Cali) or rock climbing on a third date. It's one thing if you're an avid sportswoman, or you spend your weekends outdoors, but when you're a 'downtown, let's grab a coffee' kind of girl, this can throw you off your game. It's very tricky getting ready for a snowboarding day-trip when you're used to the regular dinner and a movie.

I think it's really nice when men have unique ideas for dates, and if he invites me along on a trip outside of the city (even if it's only a day trip) I take that as a good sign and assume that he enjoys spending time with me.

My upcoming snowboarding trip makes me wish I was super athletic, or at least a trendy snowboarder or a regular exerciser with cute clothes. I am totally confident meeting someone for a drink at a lounge, or attending a football game, but I don't actually participate in sports very often! This weekend I will somehow need to ensure I look good, dress appropriately, appear to be coordinated, and remain upbeat even when I fall on my butt every three turns. The way I see it, this will definitely be a fun day, but it could also be a good test: it's easy to enjoy yourself when you're doing one of your regular, comfortable activities. The people who make you laugh while you're uncomfortable - those are the people you want to surround yourself with.

The Writing's on the Wall

Some people are great writers. Even more people are great texters and emailers. The problem with this is that you can be tricked into really liking and getting close with someone without actually liking them in person.

Here's how it happens:

• You meet someone and begin an email exchange. This could be a person you met via online dating or at a bar, or even a colleague who you first contacted about a work-related matter.
• You email regularly, with the exchanges getting ever more flirtatious and personal. This is especially tricky when it comes to co-workers - where what began as work-related has now moved to discussing weekend stories and upcoming activities. Maybe the guy has by now casually invited you out for next week.
• You really hit it off with the person - at least via print. They seem funny, witty and there's always a ton to talk about. You begin looking forward to the person's daily emails and rely on them to pick you up during the day. You find yourself smiling when their name pops up in your inbox.
• The problem comes when you meet in person. Maybe you had already met and there was no spark. If it's an online relationship you may not have met yet, in which case there can be disappointment when the written chemistry fizzles out as you sit across from one another. If it's a co-worker, being in a meeting together can be a vastly different experience than what happens in your fantasy written world.
• You need to draw the line somewhere. If the guy is still emailing daily and asking you out, you can't continue to respond "as a friend", knowing that you've already written the relationship off. Just be prepared that you will find a hole in your day when it's 11am on Monday and you haven't heard from them.

Wife Potential

What are guys really thinking about when they begin dating a girl? Are they looking at the state of her fridge, her dirty bedroom or her inability to cook as signs of her wife potential? Or are they blindly going along, only focusing on how good her butt looks in those jeans or how cute her smile is?

I have a friend who has banned me from mentioning my hatred of all things cooking-related because she thinks it's hurting my chances to get married. I'm not trying to snag a ring any time soon so I don't really care, but it has got me wondering: What are guys considering when they're spending time with you?

If I tell a new BF about spending $200 on a big night out, will they think I'm not fiscally responsible and therefore a poor choice for a partner? When I invite him over but do not offer dinner is he thinking I'll make a bad wife? Fine if these thoughts are bouncing around, as long as he's also considering all the amazing things I do manage to accomplish each day! I, personally, think those things make me a pretty spectacular choice.

Beyotch

I'm watching Slice (as always) and there is a super b*tchy girl getting married. In a 10-minute span, she was extremely rude to her fiancée's friends and denied him hanging out with them, yelled at her fiancée and his parents, and tried to force her friends to buy bridesmaid dresses that were 3X the price they'd been quoted. Honestly, I cannot imagine why a guy would ever marry someone like this.

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe throughout their courtship she was cute and friendly, and that this demanding, controlling, difficult side came out during the wedding planning process. If that's the case though, who would want to commit to a life with someone like that? What happens the next time a stressful event is nearing? Or when she gets a bad review at work? Or if someone in the family falls ill? It's doubtful that she'd handle those things with compassion and kindness after what she's displayed here.

This girl is pretty, but definitely not so attractive that her looks even come close to making up for her terrible personality. I wonder if this guy finally saw what his friends and family must have seen all along when he watched this episode (post-wedding). Unfortunately for him by that point he would have been well into his first year of wedding "bliss".

Liar Liar

Is lying early on in a relationship a deal-breaker? Many women would say yes, but I say it depends on the circumstance.
For example, if you meet at a club or on a holiday, you have to expect there will be a bit of exaggeration from both parties. If a hot guy in Hawaii is chatting me up I'm not going to admit I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, while he might call himself a lawyer when he's in his final year of law school. It's innocent fun and more likely than not this type of meeting won't lead to a long-term relationship anyway.
There is a difference between this type of 'fibbing' and a full-out lie further into a relationship. If you've been out with someone a few times and he is still pretending he has a different career or he hasn't told you his real age (he's obviously not 28 like he says he is) that should be a major red flag. It's really a no-win situation: If he's a bad liar it's painful to be with someone who is so insecure they have to lie about who they are. If he's good at lying and you didn't even suspect him, then what else is he lying about?

There is an "I" in Selfish

Long-term relationships are great. It's wonderful to have someone greet you who's interested in your day when you come home after a rough day at work. Relationships mean always having a date for weddings, birthday parties and business functions, not to mention the benefits of snuggles every night and regular 'relations'. Unfortunately, more so for some, long-term relationships also mean compromise.

For those of us who are selfish, these relationships are especially challenging. Being in a committed relationship means compromising on all sorts of things - where you live, when you take your holidays, what money you spend, whose family you visit and which parties to attend. While you may no longer be the only one responsible for making dinner, you also aren't the only one who gets to choose what to eat. When life is getting you down and you want to move away or try your hand at adventure travel, you have someone else to consider. When you want to return to school or try a career change, you may be hesitant to take on additional debt or move to a new city.

Although these things sound petty, live with someone and you'll soon miss the freedom that comes with being single. Call me selfish (I've already accepted it) but I'm looking forward to choosing my next apartment location, taking a trip for an extended period and going for drinks with anyone I want, ex-BF's or mysterious male acquaintances included.

Meet the Parents

I took my BF home to meet my family this month. He'd met some of my family before but had never experienced a weekend living in my former world. We both survived but I don't think I'll hurry to bring him back. After all, it was a bit of a stressful weekend - much less relaxing than when I visit solo. Lucky for both of us my family is pretty low key and there weren't any 35-person Arnold gatherings to suffer through or intense periods of questioning by older family friends.

During the years I've lived in Toronto I've considered bringing people home. Not often, and never too seriously (after all I would need to have a relationship that lasted past two months), but I thought about it. Now I can't imagine putting myself through that with a BF I barely knew. I keep picturing how awkward that would have been - introducing the guy to everyone who matters the most to me, only to break up one month later. Or perhaps without a solid relationship between us he would have been totally thrown off by my dad's eating habits or disgusted by the dingy area around the Winnipeg airport or my house wouldn't live up to his standards. OK that last one probably not - if he could survive hanging out in my TO apartment I'm sure my parent's house would be considered livable!

After saying all this, I can't help but wonder why girls are always in a rush to bring someone home for the first time. Yes it is a huge step forward in a relationship, but more often than not you're putting people you care about through so much only to have to do it all again when your new relationship starts next season.

A Match Made in Heaven

When I was in high school a friend set me up with her BF's friend. This wasn't just a girl helping out a single friend, there was reason behind this particular match. Her BF's friend was short. Along with his name and hair colour, that was about all the information she provided me with. Funny enough we actually hit it off and dated for over a year. Maybe the hours spent entering compatibility information on dating websites isn't necessary after all. The sites could begin to provide only one question: How tall are you? and the rest will be dating history.

Le Sigh

So many people I know are getting engaged - I feel like not a day goes by that I don't see a facebook update, get a text from a friend or hear through the grapevine about another nuptial announcement. Not a weekend seems to pass without bridal shower gifts to purchase or a wedding to attend. I love weddings, and I love that I'm finally at this stage that has been promised (or threatened) to me by my older friends and family for years.
This wedding-intense time makes me consider those women who get married when they're past their twenties. I am so certain that I'll be in this group, and I am beyond confident that there's no correlation between marriage age and fabulousness. Despite my comfort with my continued Miss status, I can't help but wonder if on the day of my long-anticipated proposal, along with the giddiness and excitement, I'll feel a wave of relief for the fact that I won't be a single woman forever.

Like a Rock

We all go through tough times - whether it's a nasty boss, evil acquaintances, job loss or a sick parent, it seems that people are dealing with tough things more regularly today (ack dare I say it? It may be a sign of getting older). One of the nice things about having a significant other is that they can be there for you in tough times. They are that person who considers you extra-special, and will step in no matter what. In my mind a BF should be there to listen, offer up a ride to the doctor's office, or stay up late helping you investigate new job opportunities.

They need to be there, and during these times their issues take second place. They're minor problems are just not that important for the time being. And for the record, the same goes for you when he is having problems.

Although I do not wish bad times upon anyone, many relationships are strengthened during times of trouble, as it's when people's true colours really show. And if your BF is pouting or selfishly whiney when you're going through a tough time (I'm not talking about minor issues here...the weekly spat with your dramatic girl friend does not count) think seriously about your future potential. After all, there's only more tough times up ahead.

David vs Goliath...in Skirts

This actually happened to me: I was at my university gym, working out when a giant girl (or at least a giant compared to me) knelt down in front of the machine I'm sitting on, so that she's looking me in the eye. I was on a shoulder-press machine, so there was not an easy way to move out of my spot with a beast crouched in front of me.
She proceeded to tell me that she's the Ex (or in her opinion, Current) GF of my BF (not today's BF...). She told me that they were still hooking up, and that he told her I was "a crazy b**ch who always messaged him and would not leave him alone". Ummmm OK. So while my male gym partners, completely oblivious yapping to each other on the stationary bikes nearby, left me to fend for myself, I tried to explain that we really were dating and I didn't know anything about their relationship. She literally had me cornered and I was forced to listen to her for ten minutes, while my desperate glances to the cardio section were ignored.
At the time I totally questioned my BF, and he of course claimed she was crazy and offered to buy me dinner (a huge win with this deadbeat) and so I forgave him, and chalked it up to jealously and cattiness. Of course things did not end there and the remaining few months of the relationship were nothing less than tumultuous. OBVIOUSLY.
Today it is a great story, although a bit depressing that I ever spoke to either of them again. The funny part was where following our work-out and my sharing the story, my friends said "Hmmm we were wondering who that girl was - you seemed kind of annoyed.". Thanks for having my back guys.

SOS

Last week I watched an episode of my favourite wedding show, Wedding SOS where the bride's main goal was to keep her groom from straying before the wedding. I'm pretty sure if your main focus prior to your wedding day is not flowers, decorations, vows or the reception but your groom cheating or not showing up - there's a problem!
In this case the groom did not stray (probably because he was under 24-hour surveillance) but I'm wondering what their marriage is going to be like. I am not married, but I think I'm correct in believing that trust and commitment do not automatically occur once the vows are recited. I also don't think I'm wrong in assuming that their marriage will be one filled with worried stomach aches and horrible scenario building...at least for the wife.