I'm an Excellent Driver

In the traditional sense, men have always been the drivers of relationships. Girls are taught that if a man likes you, he will approach you, ask for your number, call you and if he can't get hold of you, run to your house and camp outside until you answer the door. In the classics, men would spend days journeying to see the woman they loved, just to find her away from the house, or worse, already engaged to someone else.

Today, we still expect a man to drive the relationship forward. I speak all the time about how if a man likes you, he will ask you out, otherwise he's not that into you. It has recently been brought to my attention, however, that some men prefer to let the woman steer the relationship.

While I initially argued against this, the more I think about it, I have been the driver in many of my past relationships. I tend to date laid back guys, which I like, since I can be pretty high-strung at times. Also I'm a big-time planner, and have been since I was five years old, and I'm extremely organized. Not to mention I'm bossy. So naturally I end up steering things. That isn't to say the guys weren't interested, they just didn't pursue me in the same manner we're taught to expect.

That said, I still really appreciate a guy who will tell me he likes me. I'm fine with making some of the plans, but if you're interested, ensure you show me that you're interested. It doesn't hurt to plan a nice date, tell me I look pretty or invite me to join you at an important event. Sometimes by allowing the girl to drive, guys give off an air of not really caring how things turn out, which is unfortunate if they really are interested.

I am not a fan of dating games but there is a point where I will stop messaging you/suggesting we hang out/making plans, no matter how receptive you appear, just to force you to initiate something and therefore confirm whether you like me.

Inattentiveness

Three weeks ago a guy I'd been out with a few times sent me a cute message on a Saturday afternoon. He was asking how a meeting I had that day went. This was something I had briefly mentioned on the Thursday prior, as an off-hand comment when discussing my weekend plans. I was super impressed that he had a) listened so carefully to my somewhat lame story and b) taken the time to check on how it went.

This past Saturday I moved to my new house, and he didn't even send me a measly text to ask how it went. I heard from him on Sunday, but by then the move was long over and my interest in him was fading fast. True - it didn't make a world of difference - I had many caring friends and family members who phoned or messaged about it, and some wonderful girl friends in the city who picked me up and even lugged my garbage downstairs for me!

I was so surprised - how can he ask about a fairly small event in my life, while this move is all I've been yapping about for a month? It's not like he stood a chance of forgetting about it!

Something tells me he may not be as interested as he was several weeks ago.

Happy and Satisfied

As young women we're always focused on what else is out there, assuming we can always get something better. Maybe 9 things out of 10 on your list of desirable man qualities are there, but because your current guy is weak in one (most likely unimportant, shallow) area you're willing to ditch out when the next guy walks past.
I definitely don't think any woman should settle, but because your BF doesn't have the best dinner party banter or enjoy grocery shopping as much as you'd like, does that mean you can't be happy with him?
Not to be depressing, but as time goes on this nagging feeling probably lessens, as your options become less as the number of candles on your cake increase. But for young women, we like lists of 30, 40 or 50+ traits that all have to be met in order to begin to be satisfied. I encourage you to re-evaluate you list, and remember that being satisfied and happy is not the same as settling.

What Changed?

How come a guy will totally disappear from the scene after a few seemingly successful dates? So many times I have watched friends spend significant time with a guy, where they'll hang out two, three or even four days in one week, and things seem to be going amazingly well. I've witnessed this situation both with fast-paced sexual activity and none at all. All of a sudden, the guy is so hard to reach we're questioning whether he moved to Antarctica.
I think sometimes guys get scared off. Perhaps they have started to develop feelings for the girl and it is unnerving within such a short period. More likely though, I think the reason behind the cold feet is the girl suddenly seems to easily obtainable. We think the guys are really into us and want to hang out all the time, but maybe their "Sure, you can come over if you want" is not really an invitation. If girls jump at the last-minute ask or off-hand mention of meeting up somewhere a few times, it makes them seem desperate and the challenge is gone. What we mistaken for a true connection and the beginning of a relationship might also be a guy getting annoyed with our quirks or simply wanting some alone time.

A Revelation

I had a revelation last night - it doesn't matter if some people don't like me. My parents tried to teach me this lesson as a child, but I have continued to get sucked into worrying about other peoples' opinions of me. I do care that my family and close friends, people who I respect and love, like me and think highly of me. But others, people who I may or may not meet again, why should I stress out over their feelings? I know I'm a good person; I care about others, volunteer my time, buy good Christmas presents and work hard at my relationships. If people I meet don't appreciate that, my life will go on. I guess I have to come to terms with the idea that not everyone is destined to be a member of the I Heart Dani club.

First Date

Over the years I've developed some expectations for first dates. I don't care how much the guy spends, or even if he pays. I'm not concerned with where you go or what you do, just do something. Of course we all love staying in for some snugs, but you need to go out early on in the relationship, and here's why:

• He should put in some effort by suggesting a location for dinner, a fun activity, or offering to pick you up or meet you somewhere that is convenient to you.
• Give him a chance to 'own' the date. Girls spend so much of their relationships taking control of the plans, decorating, cooking, friends. Let him take charge and impress!
• Delay the physical for as long as possible. We all know how tempting it is to move from sitting beside each other to lying beside each other to kissing to naked. The transition to naked is a lot less likely to happen at a restaurant or mini golf course.
• You can look great and put more effort in. Sweats, chips and messy hair are fun and comfortable, but if the relationship is a keeper, you'll have decades for that. Enjoy the initial excitement and energy you have in the early stages and look as fabulous as you can.

Timetabling

If the relationship is a good, healthy, happy one, it should complement the people involved, and allow them to keep doing the things they love doing while fitting a new person into their life. Yes, they will probably have less time to spend with their friends, because they are now fitting someone else into their schedule. This doesn't mean that they're ditching their friends for their BF/GF, nor does it mean that they don't care about their friends. People have a finite amount of time, money and energy, so squeezing a new person into the mix means reducing the size of the slices of the pie for everyone else.
Another common misconception is that every time a person can't do something it's because of their BF. Not only is there an issue, as mentioned above, of time allotment, but maybe that person just doesn't want to hang out. If your friend refuses to come out with you or says they have a busy week, they may just be telling the truth! Maybe they have a stressful week at work, maybe they need some alone time, or maybe they just don't want to do what you're asking them to do. Simple enough. I don't hear people complaining about single people failing to make it to birthdays or girls nights, but when a married or attached girl does, the fingers are already pointing.

Meet the BF

The whole idea of people who are close to you meeting a new BF/GF is pretty awkward, when you really consider it. First of all, it's hard for anyone to really get to know that person in the allotted time. It takes either multiple get-togethers (at least two or three), significant quantities of alcohol, or an interview-style meeting (think overly protective Dads). It's really important that your friends and family like the person you're with, and for me, I want to ensure they enjoy spending time with him and are comfortable when he's around, or can keep up a convo if I leave the room for a few minutes! Other than that, I'm not sure that approval plays such a significant role anymore.

No Really - It's Not You

After a few failed relationships, or some bad dates, it's hard not to blame yourself. After a handful of short relationships in a row (I'm talking 2 - 3 months of dating each time) I really started to question if something was wrong with me. WHY didn't anyone want to be my boyfriend? WHY couldn't anyone commit to dating me 'for real', after seeming so interested in the early stages? Was I meant to have a string of short, fun, dramatic relationships in my life and that was all? I started to really beat myself up over it, assuming it was my fault and that things would never change, and were out of my control.
After awhile, I began to look at things objectively, and I realized I was going after guys who were completely not interested in a relationship, and had made that clear all along. Or, in other cases, they were just not into me, even at the beginning. With some, they appeared to be 'into it', but when I was honest with myself I realized I had done a lot more of the pursuing than they had.
After this, my advice would be: whatever the reason that things didn't work out - don't change. It was not because something is wrong with you, there was just something wrong with you two together. There are many many reasons why relationships don't work (all relationships, not just romantic) and all you can do is be a good person and be happy and confident with who you are.

Money

How come money is such an issue in our society? And not only that, but it plays a huge role in our relationships, job choices, and controls who we spend our time with. Do vast earning differences really affect a relationship? How do you handle a significant other who can't afford to do the things you want to do? Do them without him? I can't help but think that leads to you growing apart. And that seems like the perfect situation to meet another 'Mr. Right' who has the same interests as you, and can afford to pursue them.

Damn Technology

Obviously dating in this 'day and age' is a lot different than it was 10, or even 5, years ago. People rely so much more on texting, email, online dating, BBM, Facebook...the list goes on. In today's world, very rarely do I have phone conversations with anyone, aside from my family, and even then I am more likely to send them an email than dial the phone.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.