Crazy But True

Crazy thoughts - we've all been there and for most it happens too often. I almost forgot how bad this feeling was, how intense it can be and how quickly it can hit you.

Wondering where a guy is, why your text hasn't been returned or why he didn't call when he promised he would. He may be with someone else - a cool new girl he met last night while you were at home studying. Then again it is late - he could be sleeping or his phone could have died. Or perhaps you did something to upset him during your last email exchange or he's plain just forgotten about you...

Dating can be a wonderful high and new relationships are filled with anticipation and excitement, but when our brains take over it is exhausting. Sigh...I'm going to lie down now.

Substitute Boyfriend

My favourite storyline in He's Just Not That Into You was the one with Scarlett Johansson and Kevin Connolly. You might not specifically remember this as it wasn't close to being the juiciest storyline, but it really hit home with me. Basically Scarlett Jo is using Kevin Connolly's character as a substitute boyfriend while she was single. She spent time with him, cuddled, shared intimate thoughts and when she met someone new and spicy, all but stopped seeing him.
A lot of women do this, either during a dating drought or when their current relationship isn't providing everything they need. Often women use a man subconsciously - we tell ourselves that we're just close friends and care about each other, but when a new boyfriend comes along your calls to your 'guy friend' are going to decrease dramatically. No question. Not only is this unfair to your male friend, but it's not healthy for you.
Maybe you're single and calling this friend every evening or exchanging daily emails, almost in the way that a couple would. This means that your friend is filling the void that comes with being single. Not that I want single women to be unhappy, but when this void is filled (temporarily) this makes a woman much less likely to head outdoors to find Mr. Perfect. The other common scenario is a woman who uses a male friend to survive a poor relationship. Picture a woman phoning her friend on the way home from spending time with her real boyfriend, who upset her or couldn't be bothered to help with a problem. If this is the case, why be in a relationship with someone who is driving you to tears or can't satisfy your most basic emotional needs?

Dirty Fighting

Some people are dirty fighters, including myself in the past, and I believe that some people probably do come by it naturally. Maybe these people are evil (?!!), they're insecure or just quick-thinking while their opponents are stumbling over their tongues for a comeback. Whatever the reason, fighting dirty is never good, especially when it's with someone you love or care about.
I hear from girls all the time who tell me their BF is a dirty fighter, and I feel sad that they're going through a tough fight, but even more worried for the future of their relationship. I worry that these are the guys who will throw your insecurities right back at you in the heat of the moment. These might be the guys who drink too much and put an evil spin on the secrets you shared with them earlier that day. Perhaps you're a victim at a time when the kids are acting up, you're both stressed out, and the guy storms out of the house uttering rude comments. Regardless of the method used to dish it out, these fights are bad news and the comments are poisonous.
I know I've been guilty in the past, but as I've matured and grown to really love the people close to me, the thought of hurting them in any way, let alone such a cruel way, hurts my own heart. I'm amazed and saddened that people would inflict this pain on those closest to them.

Jealousy

As women we're supposed to be happy for one another - 100% supportive, happy for our friends when something great comes their way. We always say we're there through everything - thick and thin - but are we really there during the good times? Like really there?
It's always easier to be supportive when our friends are down about something. If we're really honest with ourselves, we're better listeners when they're complaining or crying than when they're gloating or telling us about their great new promotion. If we're really happy with ourselves we can be happy for our friends though.
I finally feel like I'm satisfied enough with my life (and the parts I'm not happy with are my responsibility to change) that I can be genuinely happy for my friends. Sure they might make more money than me, be in better shape, get married years ahead of me or live in nicer homes, but I've consciously chosen my lifestyle and it's my job to be happy and supportive for them. It's also my job to look at myself and figure out why I'm feeling so envious - what is missing in MY life?

The Rule

The longer you wait to sleep with someone, the more sure you can be that he's into you. We all know this - I've read it in more books than I can count, heard the speech from more responsible friends, and observed the results of anxious behaviour in my less-responsible friends. As annoying and frustrating as this 'rule' can be, it's totally true. There are obviously the exceptions to the 'rule', but there are several situations, not to be discussed now, that I have witnessed that prove this point.
Girls really do tend to get attached after sex, and guys usually just get what they want. I think somewhere along the way, women's lib took a wrong turn, making girls think it is OK to 'use' guys for sex. I have witnessed very few times when this really works, even though girls have spent hours trying to convince me it is the case. Proof in point - if it did work, why are you spending two hours the next day telling me how happy you are that you're just sleeping together and not in a relationship? If you really were happy, you'd be skipping along, enjoying the memories of last night's activities while moving forward with your life.
Just remember when you start dating someone - waiting for 5 or 6 dates before sleeping together is not a big feat, it should be the norm. It seems that today, girls are proud, or feel almost prudish, when they wait a few weeks to hook up. It's crazy to think that we give this up soooo easily!

Cheating

I dated a guy who cheated. It sucked. I am still dealing with issues related to that relationship now, and when I think back to it, I wish I had never gone within 10 feet of the guy. Sometimes I feel like cheating is really common-place in today's dating world. You hear gossipy tales of boys (or girls) who have cheated, hear about couples that are working through thousands of dollars of psychiatry bills getting over a cheating spouse, or see a stressed out girl who is wondering where her BF could be and why he hasn't called yet. It's one of the biggest stressors of relationships, and often girls end up ruining a good relationship because of paranoid thoughts, instead of the actual happenings of the past month (year).
Rather than stressing about what he's up to, if he's cheating, or if he could possibly cheat one day down the road, just tell yourself that you won't put up with cheating - that you'll walk out the door the minute a reliable source confirms the sketchy behaviour - no matter what else is going on. Once you confirm this with yourself, you'll be able to relax. Because you can't stop it - if a guy's a dirty dog he's a dirty dog, it's going to happen eventually. And honestly, if a guy cheats, you don't want anything to do with him. You will know that you can move on and be that much stronger for making the right decision. Phewf, that's a huge weight off your chest!

Trust Your Heart

I tend to over-analyze a lot of things, as do most girls I know. In fact, a big part of my current job is analytics - what can I say, I'm good at it! As I've got older, I've stopped analyzing every single move that a guy makes in a relationship, but I still spend too much time fretting over decisions (the bigger, the better). When I first considering living co-habitually with my BF, I had elaborate ideas of a test-run, many ground rules, advice from every possible person and umpteen ways to cover my butt should the situation turn sour. If I had had my way originally, I would probably have a month-long test run, then have him keep his place for another 6 months 'just in case'.
Not to say that you shouldn't watch out for your own well-being, but there's only so much in life that you can plan for. I fretted about the decision for a few months, but recently I began to feel very comfortable and excited by the idea - you could say it felt good in my heart, that was what sealed the deal for me. I'm still making sure I'm looked-after in the deal, but I'm up for whatever happens. Too often people don't put enough stock in their feelings and 'gut instinct', which is often the most telling thing in new situations.

When's My Turn?

I went to a wedding last night and it finally hit me - I want to get married. Not right now, not even necessarily in the near future, but I do want to get married. I have always been pretty relaxed about my romantic future - I stress about a lot of things but didn't really worry about my marital status at age 40. Like a lot of mid-20-somethings, I've been attending a lot of weddings lately. I really enjoy them and love seeing such happy couples and their proud families. Last night I realized I want my chance to be one half of a smiling couple. I don't think it will change anything as far as my 'dating strategy' per se, but it's important to keep things cool as much as possible. Obvious pressure = scared boys!

Fresh Prince

On the weekend I was lucky enough to catch back-to-back episodes of The Fresh Prince of Belair. I forgot how much I loved that show. One of the episodes I saw was when Will first starts dating Lisa (who he ends up dating seriously). Although I had many chuckles at Will's antics, there was an annoying part to this one show where he kept freaking out about everything to do with Lisa. He was scared she wouldn't like him for something he said, they would resolve it, and then he would be scared to call her again the next day because of something else. I know I'm not explaining this well (apologies) but I got frustrated with his craziness. Then I realized that's exactly what girls do!! We stress ourselves out, ask the guys dumb questions like "do you like me?" when the answer is so obvious, and think that one small thing that happens will be the end of the relationship and the world in general. It was so frustrating to watch it when I knew that it was no big deal at all. Totally made me realize how annoying I must be to my friends and BF. Sorry!

No Really - It's Not You

After a few failed relationships, or some bad dates, it's hard not to blame yourself. After a handful of short relationships in a row (I'm talking 2 - 3 months of dating each time) I really started to question if something was wrong with me. WHY didn't anyone want to be my boyfriend? WHY couldn't anyone commit to dating me 'for real', after seeming so interested in the early stages? Was I meant to have a string of short, fun, dramatic relationships in my life and that was all? I started to really beat myself up over it, assuming it was my fault and that things would never change, and were out of my control.
After awhile, I began to look at things objectively, and I realized I was going after guys who were completely not interested in a relationship, and had made that clear all along. Or, in other cases, they were just not into me, even at the beginning. With some, they appeared to be 'into it', but when I was honest with myself I realized I had done a lot more of the pursuing than they had.
After this, my advice would be: whatever the reason that things didn't work out - don't change. It was not because something is wrong with you, there was just something wrong with you two together. There are many many reasons why relationships don't work (all relationships, not just romantic) and all you can do is be a good person and be happy and confident with who you are.

Does He Even Care?

Girls get upset about a lot of things. A guy says something, we take it the wrong way, he doesn't even know what he's said to upset you. Sound familiar? It's one thing to get upset around a BF (I'm not condoning this, but hopefully they're a bit more understanding). I'm talking regarding guys who you are seeing, have dated, or maybe even just like. I've spent hours crying over guys who haven't called me back. I've questioned my existence when guys didn't want a relationship with me after a couple dates. I've analyzed for hours on end with my friends about guys who might be with another girl. But the question to ask is 'Does he even care at all?'. When I was crying into my pillow about this guy who didn't call me after 2 dates, did he remember my name? When all my friends knew even the most minute detail about him, did he even know my last name?
I think it's a good exercise to consider things from his perspective. Is he out with his friends having a good time, possibly remembering you as a fun girl who just wasn't right for him, while you're a blubbering mess? Who wants to be that girl? And if a guy has moved on that quickly (or was never really into things in the first place) he doesn't deserve your time or your tears.

There Will Always Be Time

With past relationships I used to stress if we couldn't see each other one night, or didn't get a chance to go to an event or game THIS weekend. I always had a short-term relationship on my mind. I wanted to take advantage of the time we had together because I wasn't sure how long we'd be together. I had it in my mind that we'd only be together a month or two, and if we didn't go where I wanted/do what I wanted on that date, we may never be able to.
That's such a stressful way to operate though - if he cancelled one date I would wonder if I'd get to see him again. Or if he didn't want to stay over one Saturday I'd worry that we'd never get another sleepover. Now I'm OK if I can't see my BF all the time. I do spend a lot of time with him, but if we're both busy all week I know we'll have the weekend, or at least the next weekend, to hang out. If we miss this Jays series there will always be the next one. There is still excitement and desire to see each other, but a lot less stress when our schedules don't mesh well.

What Changes?

Remember back to the early stages of your current/last/any relationship. Remember how you didn't really care that much? I know for me, I always seem to spend the first few weeks or months feeling like the guy is super lucky to be with me, and I'm so confident that he couldn't find anyone better in the world. I feel as if he should feel lucky that I even returned his call, and I never really care whether I hear from him or don't.
Then something changes.
Months later, it's me wondering if he'll meet someone else because there are so many cute girls out there. I wonder if he misses his ex-girlfriend or if he found things about her more attractive. I'm not saying I freak out about this all the time (I do have my moments) but I find it interesting that there's a point in every relationship where my attitude changes without me realizing it. I guess it's related to how much I like the guy - at the beginning I don't really care either way, but later it would be upsetting to find out he did in fact like his ex better, for example. OK I'm going to stop thinking about this now...

Logic vs. Love

We've all had that friend who tells us about a boyfriend who's a jerk sometimes (all the time) and we give her advice that she's too good for him and should get rid of him. We question why she's staying with him and why she cannot see that he's cheating on her. We realize that she'd be so much better off with someone else, or even alone. Yet, when the tables turn, do we follow our own advice? NO. When you're in a relationship it's funny (but not haha funny) how logic seems to disappear. I've even been in circumstances where I have known that I was being illogical in deciding to stay with someone. Yet admitting dumb behaviour doesn't mean I changed it.
This is something to keep in mind when giving advice to friends - we all know how much easier relationship advice is to dish out than it is to follow yourself. When it's you in the relationship - remember that passion is a good thing, but don't let it blind you so much that you become completely illogical.

Fighting

Some couples fight more than others - we all have friends who seem to read each others' minds and have few, or basically no, conflicts. Then there are the friends who seem to disagree on everything - this can range from nagging, frustrated comments to full-fledged screaming arguments.
In some cases this may be because the people are from a way different up-bringing or background, and their belief systems are just to different. Or maybe one or both people are naturally more dramatic or passionate, building small issues into great ones.
Whichever the reason, there has to be a point where you ask yourself if all the fighting is worth it. If every second thing your BF says or does annoys or frustrates you, he may not be the right guy for you. A good test is to ask yourself if you'd be friends with him, if you weren't actually dating - most of us don't deal with friends who annoy us every few hours, but for some reason we don't just put up with it with boyfriends, we take every opportunity to point these things out, and fight about them! Passion in a relationship is good, but crying isn't...you have to draw the line somewhere.

For Real Relationship

I think I've really grown up in the relationship department (yes, it's about time...). I remember the days (OK it was last year) where I'd purposely talk about a close guy friend to my BF/date-of-the moment, making ambiguous comments in order to make him jealous. Or when I'd make plans and go out, ignoring when my guy du jour called...hoping he'd be a bit worried.
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...

Since When...

Since when is it OK for a girl to treat her BF like garbage? True, sometimes guys deserve cruel treatment, if they've been especially dirty dogs perhaps, but on a regular basis girls seem to totally act out of line. Think about a time you've got mad or upset with your BF - would you have treated a close girlfriend, or any acquaintance for that matter, the same way?? I'm not saying suppress your feelings, or don't be upset, but I am talking about totally rude, frustrated, borderline-abusive behaviour.
Last night, while waiting for my hero Gwen Stefani to come on stage at the No Doubt concert, I watched a young couple in front of me 'work through some issues'. The girl came back to her seat after a presumably teary bathroom break, stomping and pouting. When her and her BF had to move seats she tripped over a girl (the seats were tiiiight) and was so frustrated/upset I could see that she really wanted to smack her BF (and perhaps would have if they'd been alone). I have no idea what she was so upset about, but her BF took the abuse and by 'I'm Just a Girl' they were holding hands (I love that song BTW).
I like to think she caught him making out with someone while she was in line to get a Sprite, but in reality what probably happened was he put his foot in his mouth or didn't say EXACTLY what she wanted to hear. Next time a guy does that, try to cut him a bit of slack, or at least don't completely lose your cool. The frustration was so not attractive on her and she for sure ruined a really fun night. Plus, you cannot tell me that for at least a minute he didn't question why he was dating her.

Get Over It

There's a new girlie book on the market - it's called The Happy Baker and is a cross between chic-lit and cookbook. It looks pretty cool, is available at Indigo/Chapters, and the author has a great site! www.thehappybakerchick.com From what I gather, the author's main pretense is that she bakes to get over bad relationships, hard break-ups and just life in general.
That got me thinking about what I use to get over hard times - of course we need help not only recovering from break-ups or bad times with bad guys (that's just most of the time...), but also hard times with friends, family issues, and an increasingly stressful work life.
A personal favourite of mine is throwing on a comfy, over sized hoody, pulling up the hood, and cuddling up under a blanket. I'm not sure what it is about the hoody, but it's comforting. Some people exercise, some like to go partying (although not always advisable - I think most of us have had a post-breakup night out that ended in crying and drunk dialing). Whatever it is, having a ritual to help yourself overcome a tough time can be really helpful in speeding up the recovery process and easing your pain. I think eventually it becomes a Pavlov's dog-type response - I put the hoody on, and I'm immediately calmed.

Sabotage

Sometimes we sabotage the good things in our lives. I assume we do it, even subconsciously, for a thrill or to add some excitement to our lives. After all, who doesn't love and crave, a bit of drama?
It's really unhealthy though - and I can speak from experience. After a particularly low-key, boring night with an ex, I proceeded to totally over-analyze every aspect of our relationship, questioning why I was with him and if I was happy, and wondering whether my life would be better without him. In turn, I became snappy and pouty with him, focusing on all the negatives and completely ignoring the nice things he'd done for me that day, and that year. This of course made him confused and distant with me.
I totally sabotaged something that was going well...really for no reason at all. I'm not saying you should ignore those thoughts when they come up - it's important to give some thought to how things in life are going, your goals, etc...but to basically start a fight for no reason...that's so not cool. At least I got the drama I was so craving - a big fight and a broken heart.

Totally Unreasonable

Sometimes I am so completely unreasonable I can't even believe it myself...it feels like watching yourself, like an out-of-body experience, saying 'no, NO, stop!' but you don't listen. Today I had a semi-breakdown getting a coffee - I spilled the drink twice, one time burning my hand and another time injuring my purse and sweater. This after having several morning sneezing fits and madly packing for a weekend trip to Montreal. Still though - the coffee spills did not warrant teary eyes and a pouty lip. Why can't I have more control? Yes, today is totally a day that I wish I could crawl back into bed. It's been a really rough week and I just feel like hiding from the world this morning...but obviously I'm not going to do that, so I have to buck up (that's a Grandma word eh?) and face things head on.
It's the overreacting, emotional stuff that I get so frustrated with. I guess once in a while it's allowed, and even expected, but 1-2 times a week, probably not so much. I often wonder how long a guy can put up with sporadic, completely unpredictable appearances of tears...guess we can consider that my new experiment of life.