ERASE Button

I have a great idea for an app - an ERASE button - and please let me explain why this is such a smart idea.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, things seemed to be going well, when he made it clear he was not very interested in me. I'm unsure of what happened to change his mind, but regardless of the reason, I want nothing more to do with him. There are not many things more pathetic than a girl who continues to message or call a guy after he's said he doesn't want to date her. Unfortunately, it can be challenging not to, especially if he is still friendly and nice.

It's especially difficult to remember why I shouldn't be messaging him when his number is so easily available. It's saved in my phone, and even if I did delete it, I have past text messages and the "reply" button is just an inch away. At this point I have his email address and he's on Facebook. He's everywhere.

Here's where the ERASE button comes in. Things are more complicated than in the old days where you simply throw out the piece of paper with his number or delete his number from your call history. Now, you press the ERASE button and he's gone. Emails, text messages, call history and your friendship on Facebook. You won't have to worry about his post coming up on your Twitter feed or sending him a drunk message at the end of the night.

Any developers who are interested, you know how to reach me.

Surprise Message

Today I received a message from an ex that I never thought I'd see. Granted, I'm not completely innocent - I messaged him yesterday saying Hello.

This is an ex who I have always had a close friendship with since breaking-up eight years ago. I have no intentions to get back together with him, and I have not seen him in more than three years.

And I quote:

"Hey! I'm good thank you. I'm really sorry but keeping in touch with x girlfriends is getting me into all kinds of trouble! I'm sorry, nothing against u or anything but I need to put my past behind me! Take care hope all is well".

After receiving this I immediately deleted his number (even though I have had it memorized for years) and will definitely never reach out to him again. I think the most surprising is that of all relationships I've had, this is the one that came to the "never speak to me again" stage.

Inattentiveness

Three weeks ago a guy I'd been out with a few times sent me a cute message on a Saturday afternoon. He was asking how a meeting I had that day went. This was something I had briefly mentioned on the Thursday prior, as an off-hand comment when discussing my weekend plans. I was super impressed that he had a) listened so carefully to my somewhat lame story and b) taken the time to check on how it went.

This past Saturday I moved to my new house, and he didn't even send me a measly text to ask how it went. I heard from him on Sunday, but by then the move was long over and my interest in him was fading fast. True - it didn't make a world of difference - I had many caring friends and family members who phoned or messaged about it, and some wonderful girl friends in the city who picked me up and even lugged my garbage downstairs for me!

I was so surprised - how can he ask about a fairly small event in my life, while this move is all I've been yapping about for a month? It's not like he stood a chance of forgetting about it!

Something tells me he may not be as interested as he was several weeks ago.

Chat Room

Speaking with someone for hours on end, whether in person or online, allows you to really get to know them. Someone who is witty, funny and seems interested is so attractive, they'd catch my attention even without knowing what they look like. It's amazing that some people can make me want to chat forever - just by asking questions, replying promptly, and making me feel pretty (without seeming sleazy) I end up going to bed an hour later than planned.

I guess this is the benefit of online dating - it gives people a chance to get to know each other without all the focus being on the so-called chemistry or physical attraction. What I've discovered is the benefit of meeting someone through an alternate online channel: they're not necessarily out there with the sole purpose of meeting a girlfriend, hook-up or date. Having a chance to innocently chat online, be it via Facebook or email, allows people to have a regular conversation or make a new friend.

It's not every day I meet someone who can keep up with my comments and who can make me literally LOL. Technology and various chat platforms make it especially difficult to show your sarcastic side without appearing as a plain old rude girl, so when a guy 'gets' me it really counts for a lot.

Even if he's not my usual kind of guy, maybe it's worth seeing if the chemistry translates to real life.

One Two Three Four

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. He told me that most people who aren't in committed relationships have 3 - 4 people "on the go" at one time. I like that term - on the go - because that's just what it is. It's not dating, it's not even necessarily hanging out. It could be a textual relationship, or someone you email every day at work, or maybe you just flirt when you regularly run into each other at parties. Either way it's someone you have something with, someone your friends know about (even though they probably refer to him by nickname only), and someone you think about from time to time. And yes, many people have 3 - 4 of these relationships on the go at once.

When my friend first told me this I was sceptical - that seems dirty and over-stated. Maybe the hottest girls or the smoothest guys have stats like that, but surely not normal people. Then I thought about it a bit more. In the times I've been single I have definitely had that many guys on the go at once. There was no physical relationship, and to that point there were probably a few of them who I never saw. Today I have what could be considered flirtatious text and email conversations (and don't forget facebook convos...eek) with guys I have no intention of dating, and if I'm honest, I don't even care if I see some of them within the next month or two.

So why do it? It's simple really: it fills a void. A void caused by having no boyfriend, no one to meet you at home after a tough day, no one to share exciting news with, and no one to tell you they miss you/think you're hot/laugh at your jokes. By having someone you can message when it's a slow night at the bar or who checks in on how your weekend went, you don't always notice how much you miss having that special person in your life.

The next time you message a guy who you have no intention of dating, think about how many guys you have on the go this week. You may just surprise yourself.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Actually, no, let's not talk about sex.

In case you have forgotten, I am a woman, and therefore I'm not thinking raunchy thoughts every minute of the day. Sure, women have their needs and desires, and often enjoy the physical aspect of relationships just as much as (or more than) many men. But that does not mean that we want to hear or read about these things as we're going about our day.

I have been having perfectly nice conversations with men, perhaps discussing careers, family or the plans for the weekend, when that little word sneaks it's way into the conversation. I am much more excited and interested by questions relating to my travels or favourite restaurants, than I am by discussions of sex positions or "what you want to do to me when you see me next". Sorry to be lewd but I can't believe that men actually think it's OK to casually throw this into a conversation, while I could barely force my fingers to type the phrase.

I am by no means a prude nor do I shy away from flirting - this is just plain annoying. Following up a perfectly polite, chatty text with a sexually-charged message throws girls off and makes them wonder how many other girls you're sexting with at the same time. Stick with personal, polite messages and phone conversation and I guarantee you'll get to the real thing quicker.

Computer Usage

During university I met a very cute guy at the bar one hazy Friday night. After a fun first night we got together a few days later for what would be our first date. Since he was somewhat of a procrastinator, and cheap, he claimed to be unable to take me out because he had a distance-ed assignment due the following day. Being the innocent, undemanding girl I was, rather than telling him to call me back when he had some cash and time, I offered to hang out with him at home, and to help him with his assignment if need be. Wow was that desperate - at the time I just thought I was being nice (and that he was REALLY cute).

Turned out, not only had he not done the assignment, he was basically computer illiterate. The fact that I spent more than three hours typing his dictated answers should have been a clear warning to stay away from this guy. Who settles for that on a first date, and better yet, what university student doesn't know how to use Word? Needless to say the rest of the relationship consisted of many more "stay at home dates" and more than a few tutoring seshes. The lesson from this - run away from anyone who doesn't know how to use a computer.

Online Dating

The wonders of technology make hundreds of men available to you with the touch of a button. Instead of spending time meeting guys and committing hours and days to getting to know what they're all about, you can quickly weed people out with your index finger. There are obviously negatives about online dating (like the creepos) but if you treat it right it can be a successful and exciting activity.
A couple ground rules that I have developed:
Everyone assumes you're chatting with multiple people at once - the guy you're chatting with is, and you should be too.
You don't have to share your life story with everyone you chat with. Keep things light and keep track who you tell what to. Maintain a list if you need to, or better yet, maintain a standard 'story' that you share with everyone, maybe the basic details of your life, and don't move past that until the relationship progresses.
Let the guy lead the way. Sure it's cool to contact someone you find attractive or interesting, but let them send the majority of messages and initiate the conversation. I know I sound like an advice columnist from 1962, but this again will keep it easier to remember who is who while you're talking to a few guys, and makes sure you know who is really interested.
Don't get too involved after a few conversations - meet up, get to know them, have many many phone conversations before moving forward.
Cast your net wide - this is your chance to meet people you wouldn't encounter in 'normal' life, or you might not normally be attracted to. Spending 5 minutes on a conversation with someone who doesn't work out is a lot different than suffering through dinner and a movie.
I'm obviously no expert, but we have many options for dating, especially when we compare to the methods our moms and grandmas were forced to use. With the increase of technology we also have to deal with the negatives - sketchy guys, increased competition, reliance on technology and 'fake' relationships. But if you know how to play the game, I'm confident you'll have a full calendar and an over-flowing inbox.

One-sided

When you start dating someone, it's important to be honest with yourself about how you feel, if you're happy and most importantly, are you ALWAYS initiating things? This is especially true today where technology plays such a huge part in dating. Are you the one sending all the texts? If you have something like an iPhone that shows the entire text history every time you send a message, it's easy to see who sends the majority of texts. Are there 4 of yours for every one of his two-word texts? Are his texts always responses to your questions and nothing else? Who suggests getting together, or sends the 'thank you' message after the date?
It's always hard to admit to yourself that your guy is not showing much enthusiasm. But it's so much better to admit this to yourself early on, than have someone else tell you, or worse, your guy show you, three months down the line.

Texterrific

Texting is a great way to get to know someone, especially when you first meet them or begin dating. Too often a few cute texts here and there turn into non-stop daily texts. This sounds like it should be a positive, but the longer and more intense the text relationship gets, the less chance that it will move forward. Instead of the texts being about innocent flirting and getting comfortable with a future date, they become the focus of the relationship. It's too difficult, or perhaps the guy just loses interest in talking on the phone or hanging out in person.
Have you ever considered that the guy might be texting you while he's out with another girl? Or sending the text to multiple girls at once? Maybe he's just excited that he's able to flirt and build up his confidence without any further commitment. I think that most often though, guys are just keeping their line in the water, trying to keep their chances open with as many girls as possible.
Be honest if you find yourself in a all text, no talk/hang out/face time relationship. Whatever reason they're giving you for a lack of face time is probably a cover.

Damn Technology

Obviously dating in this 'day and age' is a lot different than it was 10, or even 5, years ago. People rely so much more on texting, email, online dating, BBM, Facebook...the list goes on. In today's world, very rarely do I have phone conversations with anyone, aside from my family, and even then I am more likely to send them an email than dial the phone.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.