Waiting, Doubting

I have learned the lessons of He's Just Not That Into You, and I understand that if a guy really likes you, he'll make the effort to find you and ask you out. Even though I'm well-versed in this area, I've always found it tough to sit around waiting for a guy to make a move, and especially to trust that a guy will make a move. I guess I don't give them, or myself, enough credit, but I often feel like nothing will come of a first encounter unless I take charge of the situation.
Many women believe that taking things into their own hands is the right way to approach dating. Unfortunately, being the first to call or message a guy means you are putting yourself out there, and then leaving the ball in their court. Once that first message is left hanging in the air between you, there's not much else you can do without seeming a desperate stalker. Although I convince myself it's best to be proactive in dating, I end up being much more doubtful of myself after getting no return message. I would have been better off risking my chances and waiting for them to reach out. At least then I could have convinced myself that I was impossible to track down.

Is This Your Stop?

Nearly every day this winter I've seen at least one attractive young guy while riding the subway in the morning. I have wanted to approach them - not always for me but maybe for one of my friends - but I'm not sure how. I've made eye contact over a few stops but let's be honest - someone has to be pretty brave to approach a stranger on a crowded subway. Not to mention that every stop brings the possibility that your crush is going to get off: it's not like we all wear signs announcing that we're exiting at St. Andrew's so they only have two stops left to make a move!
I've come up with a few possible ways to break the ice or initiate a conversation but I'm not sure I'll be trying any of them out soon.

• Accidentally fall into them when there's an abrupt stop
• Sit beside them and ask them to hold something for a moment as you kerfuffle with your giant purse
• If you exit the train at the same time, strike up a conversation as you're exiting the station
• Make fun of someone else on the train. I know that's not very friendly, but there are always an array of amusing people and rolling your eyes with someone can be a bonding experience!

My last resort is making up cards that say "you're hot, come to my mixer next month" so I better come up with some better conversation starters, stat!

Chat Room

Speaking with someone for hours on end, whether in person or online, allows you to really get to know them. Someone who is witty, funny and seems interested is so attractive, they'd catch my attention even without knowing what they look like. It's amazing that some people can make me want to chat forever - just by asking questions, replying promptly, and making me feel pretty (without seeming sleazy) I end up going to bed an hour later than planned.

I guess this is the benefit of online dating - it gives people a chance to get to know each other without all the focus being on the so-called chemistry or physical attraction. What I've discovered is the benefit of meeting someone through an alternate online channel: they're not necessarily out there with the sole purpose of meeting a girlfriend, hook-up or date. Having a chance to innocently chat online, be it via Facebook or email, allows people to have a regular conversation or make a new friend.

It's not every day I meet someone who can keep up with my comments and who can make me literally LOL. Technology and various chat platforms make it especially difficult to show your sarcastic side without appearing as a plain old rude girl, so when a guy 'gets' me it really counts for a lot.

Even if he's not my usual kind of guy, maybe it's worth seeing if the chemistry translates to real life.

Relationship Hangover

After my latest break-up I felt relief, excitement and the feeling that comes with knowing you did the right thing, even if it wasn't the easiest thing. Now, months later, the sadness is creeping back in. I knew this would happen, but it still stings.
While everyone was nicely concerned about me in the weeks that followed, I felt, for the most part, perfectly fine. But a few weeks passed and reality sunk in. The seemingly endless list of available guys I know or could meet has shrunken, my body is tired from wearing 4 inch heels on every outing, and my cheeks hurt from flashing my best smile at every guy I pass on the street.
The more important thing is that it was the right decision, and I know that we all have to go through some tough times every now and then. But the initial high of being free and having my own life back was the equivalent of 1am at my favourite bar, 5 drinks in, and now I'm experiencing 9:30am the next day. The relationship hangover. Sometimes a reliable, quiet, alcohol-free night is the way to go after all.

Looking Good

I have wavered on this as of late but I keep reminding myself how important it is to ensure I look good when I leave the house. I'm not talking about spending hours doing my make-up for a quick trip to Rabba, but you never know who you'll run into when you're out and about. I always seem to run into an ex or stand next to a hot guy on the subway when I have no make-up on and I'm wearing my worst pair of jeans. Impromptu after work drinks or last-minute dates always happen on the days I chose to forgo a shower and my hair's a greasy disaster.

I love sweat pants and I happily go out shopping in them. But from now on I'm going to ensure they're cute, flattering sweats, and not my men's size x-small from Wal-mart. Maybe it's a bit of extra mascara or some lip gloss, but when I do run into Mr. Right I want to make sure I can grab his attention - in a positive way!

Seeing an Old Friend

I'm sitting at the bar with a glass of wine, waiting for an old friend to walk through the door. It's been about two years since we've seen each other, and all I can think about is the great chemistry that always existed between us. Nothing ever happened between us...but who knows what tonight will bring.

I wonder what he'll think of me. Do I look fatter than before? Is my hair too blonde or not blonde enough? Am I wearing the right outfit? I went for casual with (what I hope was) some sex appeal...should I have dressed up more? Then there's the bar. So many options in Toronto - Is this a good spot? It's dark-ish and busy, and candlelight always lights up my eyes, so I think it was a good call. But maybe it's too loud, or I look too slouchy since I'm sitting on an awkward bar stool. But then there's the benefits of sitting on bar stools - our knees will inevitably touch and we can lean in to hear each other without a table getting in the way.

I hope he still thinks I'm pretty. I wonder what I'll think of him. Will I still think he's cute, charming, funny? What if we run out of things to talk about 15 minutes after his arrival? What if what if what if...and then he sits down beside me, he jokes about being late and all those crazy thoughts just disappear.

Checking My List

In celebration of the holiday season, I've been checking my own list of sorts. This is also a list of names, but unlike Santa mine focuses on date-ability rather than on behaviour. And everyone on my list is well into adulthood.

When I became single again I felt like there were so many fish in the sea, many of them people I already knew. I still believe there are tons of guys out there, especially in a big city like Toronto, but the people I had initially thought of to be potential dates are quickly running out. It's not like I had anyone lined up, but there were men I have known for years who I thought had potential to become more than friends.

I feel like I'm scanning through the list quite quickly, and coming up empty. Some of the guys have girlfriends now (you snooze you lose), others I just don't like in that way, and the rest are totally not BF material. Funny how the grass is always greener - I had wondered in the past how things would be if I dated these guys, picturing that we would be so compatible. I made the rookie mistake of believing if someone is a good friend they'll be a good BF.

One Two Three Four

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. He told me that most people who aren't in committed relationships have 3 - 4 people "on the go" at one time. I like that term - on the go - because that's just what it is. It's not dating, it's not even necessarily hanging out. It could be a textual relationship, or someone you email every day at work, or maybe you just flirt when you regularly run into each other at parties. Either way it's someone you have something with, someone your friends know about (even though they probably refer to him by nickname only), and someone you think about from time to time. And yes, many people have 3 - 4 of these relationships on the go at once.

When my friend first told me this I was sceptical - that seems dirty and over-stated. Maybe the hottest girls or the smoothest guys have stats like that, but surely not normal people. Then I thought about it a bit more. In the times I've been single I have definitely had that many guys on the go at once. There was no physical relationship, and to that point there were probably a few of them who I never saw. Today I have what could be considered flirtatious text and email conversations (and don't forget facebook convos...eek) with guys I have no intention of dating, and if I'm honest, I don't even care if I see some of them within the next month or two.

So why do it? It's simple really: it fills a void. A void caused by having no boyfriend, no one to meet you at home after a tough day, no one to share exciting news with, and no one to tell you they miss you/think you're hot/laugh at your jokes. By having someone you can message when it's a slow night at the bar or who checks in on how your weekend went, you don't always notice how much you miss having that special person in your life.

The next time you message a guy who you have no intention of dating, think about how many guys you have on the go this week. You may just surprise yourself.

I Saw The Sign

Five signs that a guy isn't that into you:

• He pushes too aggressively to hook up, continuing even though he knows you feel uncomfortable
• He talks about the 'girl he wants to marry' to you
• He invites other people to join you when you are hanging out
• He goes out with mutual friends and doesn't invite you
• He picks up someone else in front of you

These seem obvious...but how many times have you ignored the signs?

Sleepovers

I like to have sleepovers with boys. And we really just sleep. I enjoy the cuddling and the company and the excitement of spending intimate time with someone. Sleepovers are completely accepted behaviour among girls. If I came home the next day saying I had a one-night stand I may get judged, but in this case girls justify it. After all, it's not like I hooked up, and we dismiss the night by saying 'nothing happened'.
We easily brush off the event, but would I do that with someone if I had a BF at home? Absolutely not! So that should go to show that 'something' happens during sleepovers, even if it is just cuddling!
If nothing physical happened, there are still feelings involved, often more than if you just have sex with someone. Sleeping beside someone, cuddling, talking into the wee hours of the night makes you much closer to someone and feels more reminiscent of a real relationship. Those are things people miss when they're single - being hugged, held, and talked to in the morning upon waking up. So 'stuff' did happen.

Liar Liar

Is lying early on in a relationship a deal-breaker? Many women would say yes, but I say it depends on the circumstance.
For example, if you meet at a club or on a holiday, you have to expect there will be a bit of exaggeration from both parties. If a hot guy in Hawaii is chatting me up I'm not going to admit I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, while he might call himself a lawyer when he's in his final year of law school. It's innocent fun and more likely than not this type of meeting won't lead to a long-term relationship anyway.
There is a difference between this type of 'fibbing' and a full-out lie further into a relationship. If you've been out with someone a few times and he is still pretending he has a different career or he hasn't told you his real age (he's obviously not 28 like he says he is) that should be a major red flag. It's really a no-win situation: If he's a bad liar it's painful to be with someone who is so insecure they have to lie about who they are. If he's good at lying and you didn't even suspect him, then what else is he lying about?

A Fine Line: Desirable vs. Desperate

Let me set the scene: A group of cute girls get dressed up, trying to find the perfect cross between skank and pretty. Maybe a short skirt with a more conservative top will work. They have some drinks and get each other pumped up for the night. Yes you do all look pretty, no your stomach doesn't look fat and yes your hair is sexy with curls. You reassure each other that you will all meet tons of great guys tonight.
Get to the club, do a couple shots, and walk the bar to scope things out. Start dancing and everyone is feeling great. Something switches (maybe it's the small hand moving to 1) and it's a few drinks and many songs later, the dancing is more off-balance and scandalous and the pickings are fewer. The legit couples have called it a night, more singles have paired off and those who haven't are wasted and desperate.
The 2 o'clock shuffle begins and those who are scared of spending the night alone throw out their standards and join forces. Maybe it's an issue of timing, of drinking or scandalous dancing, but there's always a point in the night when the confident, fun, desirable girl who walked in the club becomes the desperate single.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Actually, no, let's not talk about sex.

In case you have forgotten, I am a woman, and therefore I'm not thinking raunchy thoughts every minute of the day. Sure, women have their needs and desires, and often enjoy the physical aspect of relationships just as much as (or more than) many men. But that does not mean that we want to hear or read about these things as we're going about our day.

I have been having perfectly nice conversations with men, perhaps discussing careers, family or the plans for the weekend, when that little word sneaks it's way into the conversation. I am much more excited and interested by questions relating to my travels or favourite restaurants, than I am by discussions of sex positions or "what you want to do to me when you see me next". Sorry to be lewd but I can't believe that men actually think it's OK to casually throw this into a conversation, while I could barely force my fingers to type the phrase.

I am by no means a prude nor do I shy away from flirting - this is just plain annoying. Following up a perfectly polite, chatty text with a sexually-charged message throws girls off and makes them wonder how many other girls you're sexting with at the same time. Stick with personal, polite messages and phone conversation and I guarantee you'll get to the real thing quicker.

Marry Me

Remember in Junior High and High School when there was so much gossip about who liked who? It was all about not who liked, but 'liked' each other. You either liked a guy and wanted them to be your BF or you didn't. If we thought adolescence was confusing, life seems to have gotten much more difficult today, at least in the dating department. Yes, we're no longer struggling with chemistry and awkward growth spurts, but now there are numerous ways in which you can 'like' someone.

Recently a guy told me about a girl he knew who "was going to be his wife". They didn't know each other well, but he could tell she was someone he would want to marry. He was planning to get to know her better and I'm sure wined and dined her beyond his regular standards. Even on one of my guilty pleasure reality shows the guys categorized women as "take home to mom" or "wife" types vs. girls they just wanted to sleep with or casually date. And although these guys aren't angels, they did treat those "wife" types way better than the average girl.

In some ways I think this is BS because how do you really know you want to marry someone that early on? But I can understand that a girl can be that type - kind, beautiful, and probably has her shit together. It seems that overnight being the hottest girl in the room or the most fun girl, dancing on tables and doing shots is not quite so attractive. In university, these were the girls that everyone tripped over themselves to talk to (or lift off the table), and although I'm sure guys still love chatting them up, they won't always be the number one girl on their minds.

I'd chalk it up to the age of guys I know, and their eventual desire to have a bit more stability in their lives (at least for some period), but being a dream girl is no longer about the length of your skirt.

Crazy But True

Crazy thoughts - we've all been there and for most it happens too often. I almost forgot how bad this feeling was, how intense it can be and how quickly it can hit you.

Wondering where a guy is, why your text hasn't been returned or why he didn't call when he promised he would. He may be with someone else - a cool new girl he met last night while you were at home studying. Then again it is late - he could be sleeping or his phone could have died. Or perhaps you did something to upset him during your last email exchange or he's plain just forgotten about you...

Dating can be a wonderful high and new relationships are filled with anticipation and excitement, but when our brains take over it is exhausting. Sigh...I'm going to lie down now.

Coffee Date

There are an unusually large number of young, attractive, potentially available people at downtown Starbucks throughout a day. I'm sure this is why so many people in Toronto go there to "read" or "write". The turnover is also so quick that you could find yourself sharing a table with several attractive men in the span of an hour.

I always hear stories of people meeting a cute stranger at Starbucks. The other day I spent an hour at a downtown location waiting to meet a friend, and a cute guy sat in the comfy chair across from me. Although a few furtive glances were exchanged we continued focusing on our respective activities until he left 20 minutes later.

It got me wondering - how do you make the move to start talking with a stranger? Gone are the days of asking for the time (I had my phone in my hand) and I don't smoke so no asking for a light outside. The chairs were spaced quite far apart so although we could have made great eye contact, we would have been near yelling to hear each other. In the past I have commented on a guy's book if it's something I recognize, but in this case I don't know how to pronounce Sudoku, let alone complete one.

I guess I'll have to work on my small talk, develop some questions about the 'area' (could I ask for directions?) and improve my eyelash batting. Yes, maybe that will work.

There is an "I" in Selfish

Long-term relationships are great. It's wonderful to have someone greet you who's interested in your day when you come home after a rough day at work. Relationships mean always having a date for weddings, birthday parties and business functions, not to mention the benefits of snuggles every night and regular 'relations'. Unfortunately, more so for some, long-term relationships also mean compromise.

For those of us who are selfish, these relationships are especially challenging. Being in a committed relationship means compromising on all sorts of things - where you live, when you take your holidays, what money you spend, whose family you visit and which parties to attend. While you may no longer be the only one responsible for making dinner, you also aren't the only one who gets to choose what to eat. When life is getting you down and you want to move away or try your hand at adventure travel, you have someone else to consider. When you want to return to school or try a career change, you may be hesitant to take on additional debt or move to a new city.

Although these things sound petty, live with someone and you'll soon miss the freedom that comes with being single. Call me selfish (I've already accepted it) but I'm looking forward to choosing my next apartment location, taking a trip for an extended period and going for drinks with anyone I want, ex-BF's or mysterious male acquaintances included.

Closing Time

A few years ago I was totally hung up about never wanting a good night out to end. I think most of that anxiousness is due to years of build-up and anticipation for attending clubs - when it finally happened I couldn't get enough. I always felt like the night didn't get good until close to 1am, and we had to be home by 2am so that didn't make much of a night.
When I got a bit older the after-parties were the best part of my Saturday. This might have been a group outing to Perkins or someone's place nearby. Often the after party was in the guy of the moment's basement, followed by a walk (or taxi ride) of shame a few hours later. Several times I ended up in sticky situations because I didn't want the night to end. More than once, I decided to head with a friend to a post-bar party with a few guys rather than call it a night with the reassurance that I'd be back at the bar in a week. I was lucky that nothing bad ever happened, but I know that my enthusiasm for continuing a great night put me in some sticky situations to say the least. I've learned that rarely does anything better happen after 2am, especially when you don't know your fellow partiers' last names.

Ponyboy Curtis

For the first time in 10 years, I'm watching The Outsiders, the movie based on the classic S. E. Hinton novel. The all-star cast makes up a group of tough young "greasers". Even though this movie is 27 years old and the actors are grown men now, I can't help but have a crush on the main character, Ponyboy Curtis. In fact all the characters have a certain (dirty?) sex appeal.
What is it about bad boys that attracts all women? Even in this movie a super pretty, wealthy young woman has a thing for the roughest guy of them all. Not only do bad boys exude confidence and manliness, they refuse to play by the rules which we all wish we could mimic but don't. Perhaps more importantly, It also feels like a magnificent sense of accomplishment when you "tame" a bad boy and make him your own. And no, I'm not talking about a stallion.
Ironically our standards seem to drop several notches when it's a bad boy - like him just acknowledging your presence is a major achievement. When a bad boy calls you on time or buys you flowers it's the equivalent of a nice guy building you a house or buying you a car. It's not fair, but that's the way it is.

Meet the Parents

I took my BF home to meet my family this month. He'd met some of my family before but had never experienced a weekend living in my former world. We both survived but I don't think I'll hurry to bring him back. After all, it was a bit of a stressful weekend - much less relaxing than when I visit solo. Lucky for both of us my family is pretty low key and there weren't any 35-person Arnold gatherings to suffer through or intense periods of questioning by older family friends.

During the years I've lived in Toronto I've considered bringing people home. Not often, and never too seriously (after all I would need to have a relationship that lasted past two months), but I thought about it. Now I can't imagine putting myself through that with a BF I barely knew. I keep picturing how awkward that would have been - introducing the guy to everyone who matters the most to me, only to break up one month later. Or perhaps without a solid relationship between us he would have been totally thrown off by my dad's eating habits or disgusted by the dingy area around the Winnipeg airport or my house wouldn't live up to his standards. OK that last one probably not - if he could survive hanging out in my TO apartment I'm sure my parent's house would be considered livable!

After saying all this, I can't help but wonder why girls are always in a rush to bring someone home for the first time. Yes it is a huge step forward in a relationship, but more often than not you're putting people you care about through so much only to have to do it all again when your new relationship starts next season.

A Match Made in Heaven

When I was in high school a friend set me up with her BF's friend. This wasn't just a girl helping out a single friend, there was reason behind this particular match. Her BF's friend was short. Along with his name and hair colour, that was about all the information she provided me with. Funny enough we actually hit it off and dated for over a year. Maybe the hours spent entering compatibility information on dating websites isn't necessary after all. The sites could begin to provide only one question: How tall are you? and the rest will be dating history.

Le Sigh

So many people I know are getting engaged - I feel like not a day goes by that I don't see a facebook update, get a text from a friend or hear through the grapevine about another nuptial announcement. Not a weekend seems to pass without bridal shower gifts to purchase or a wedding to attend. I love weddings, and I love that I'm finally at this stage that has been promised (or threatened) to me by my older friends and family for years.
This wedding-intense time makes me consider those women who get married when they're past their twenties. I am so certain that I'll be in this group, and I am beyond confident that there's no correlation between marriage age and fabulousness. Despite my comfort with my continued Miss status, I can't help but wonder if on the day of my long-anticipated proposal, along with the giddiness and excitement, I'll feel a wave of relief for the fact that I won't be a single woman forever.

Sign-up

This weekend is a free sign-up weekend on a popular online dating site. I presume that you sign-up for free, get to experience and enjoy the site for the weekend, and then in order to continue contacting people you have to pay for a month or more. I really like the idea of the essentially no-risk sign-up promotion and I think people should take advantage of these offers more freely. You avoid (most of) the sleaziness of a free site while not paying until you're sure you are impressed.

Anyone who wants to take advantage of this latest offer, please let me know - I'd love to help support you when the time comes to pay, in exchange for allowing me to follow your dating ups and downs. Not only will this make great book material but I'll be able to turn the experience into great advice for women around the globe.

Mixer

One of my favourite dating shows employs 'mixers' to introduce the matchmaking clients with their potential dates. Basically a 'mixer' is a cocktail party where people have a chance to chat and get to know each other in an informal and low-pressure situation. The biggest benefit versus a traditional blind date or set-up is that you don't have to suffer through a dinner date with a complete stranger who you know is not a match for you ten minutes after shaking his hand.

I've decided that I'm going to throw my own version of a mixer, so look for your invite soon. There are a few reasons I want to throw the party, and I already have the perfect location picked out!

- I love parties

- I have many single friends who don't know each other and could potentially hit it off

- My single friends are hot, fun, smart and all-around great catches

- I enjoy getting many friends and acquaintances from different circles together in one room

- This will make for a great chapter in my book

Computer Usage

During university I met a very cute guy at the bar one hazy Friday night. After a fun first night we got together a few days later for what would be our first date. Since he was somewhat of a procrastinator, and cheap, he claimed to be unable to take me out because he had a distance-ed assignment due the following day. Being the innocent, undemanding girl I was, rather than telling him to call me back when he had some cash and time, I offered to hang out with him at home, and to help him with his assignment if need be. Wow was that desperate - at the time I just thought I was being nice (and that he was REALLY cute).

Turned out, not only had he not done the assignment, he was basically computer illiterate. The fact that I spent more than three hours typing his dictated answers should have been a clear warning to stay away from this guy. Who settles for that on a first date, and better yet, what university student doesn't know how to use Word? Needless to say the rest of the relationship consisted of many more "stay at home dates" and more than a few tutoring seshes. The lesson from this - run away from anyone who doesn't know how to use a computer.

Textual Relations

The number one best way to avoid disastrous situations is to have some great girlfriends who will not be surprised or angry to receive random text messages. I have always been a fan of texting; random texting being my specialty. Of course there is drunk texting, often fueled by evil intentions, but I've been known to enjoy sober, semi-flirtatious TM's, even in daytime hours. Of course these mistakes can lead to short-lived fun, but there are situations when these messages are major no-no's. By having a friend who you can send anything to, from "I'm bored at this lame event" to "I'm thinking of texting (insert ex's name here)...", you can save yourself a lot of embarrassment and anguish. If you don't have this friend, add me to your contacts - it's great enjoyment to be on the other end of those TMs.

Like a Rock

We all go through tough times - whether it's a nasty boss, evil acquaintances, job loss or a sick parent, it seems that people are dealing with tough things more regularly today (ack dare I say it? It may be a sign of getting older). One of the nice things about having a significant other is that they can be there for you in tough times. They are that person who considers you extra-special, and will step in no matter what. In my mind a BF should be there to listen, offer up a ride to the doctor's office, or stay up late helping you investigate new job opportunities.

They need to be there, and during these times their issues take second place. They're minor problems are just not that important for the time being. And for the record, the same goes for you when he is having problems.

Although I do not wish bad times upon anyone, many relationships are strengthened during times of trouble, as it's when people's true colours really show. And if your BF is pouting or selfishly whiney when you're going through a tough time (I'm not talking about minor issues here...the weekly spat with your dramatic girl friend does not count) think seriously about your future potential. After all, there's only more tough times up ahead.

Leave...For Everyone's Sake

A male friend of mine just spent an hour telling me about a girl he's been spending time with, and he is unsure of where their relationship is going. After a bit of coaxing (after the second beer there was no stopping him) he made it pretty clear that he knew where the relationship was headed - nowhere. He told me that he likes spending time with her, has fun with her, enjoys having her there to "just hang out with and watch a movie" and is hopeful that things will become intimate sooner rather than later.
The last point wasn't surprising - he is a man under the age of 70 after all - but what did confused me is why he likes all these things about her but still doesn't want to actually be with her. Even he couldn't clarify what it was, or wasn't, about her that made him sure he didn't want to date her seriously. If that`s truly the case, whatever the reason, the bottom line is he needs to leave her alone. Leave. Scram. Get outta dodge. No question about it, this girl is attached and he's hurting her more every time he answers her calls. I might have to make a follow-up phone call this weekend to see if he's listened to his dating coach...

David vs Goliath...in Skirts

This actually happened to me: I was at my university gym, working out when a giant girl (or at least a giant compared to me) knelt down in front of the machine I'm sitting on, so that she's looking me in the eye. I was on a shoulder-press machine, so there was not an easy way to move out of my spot with a beast crouched in front of me.
She proceeded to tell me that she's the Ex (or in her opinion, Current) GF of my BF (not today's BF...). She told me that they were still hooking up, and that he told her I was "a crazy b**ch who always messaged him and would not leave him alone". Ummmm OK. So while my male gym partners, completely oblivious yapping to each other on the stationary bikes nearby, left me to fend for myself, I tried to explain that we really were dating and I didn't know anything about their relationship. She literally had me cornered and I was forced to listen to her for ten minutes, while my desperate glances to the cardio section were ignored.
At the time I totally questioned my BF, and he of course claimed she was crazy and offered to buy me dinner (a huge win with this deadbeat) and so I forgave him, and chalked it up to jealously and cattiness. Of course things did not end there and the remaining few months of the relationship were nothing less than tumultuous. OBVIOUSLY.
Today it is a great story, although a bit depressing that I ever spoke to either of them again. The funny part was where following our work-out and my sharing the story, my friends said "Hmmm we were wondering who that girl was - you seemed kind of annoyed.". Thanks for having my back guys.

Time Limit

All girls should declare a mandatory two-hour time limit on first dates. Some safe ideas that adhere to this rule are a coffee date, dinner or even better lunch, or a walk around the beach or boardwalk. If it's a good date, you'll be tempted to continue on to the next location, which often leads to returning to someone's home and bad news bears from there. Or the alternative is you have a fun time over lunch and decide to continue the adventure, but after the fourth hour you get tired of the person. After all, you may have only just met this person and may not have a lot to talk about, be uncomfortable in each others company, or you may not have compatible personalities early on.
By calling it a night (or day) early in the date, you appear to have a full and busy life (which you do!), and you will leave your date feeling anxious to see you again. Your date, and most importantly you, will end the date with a happy feeling and look forward to the next outing. This is much better than the alternative of ending an otherwise great date with a bad taste in your mouth when things go sour in the fourth, fifth, or sixth hour of a marathon date.

Substitute Boyfriend

My favourite storyline in He's Just Not That Into You was the one with Scarlett Johansson and Kevin Connolly. You might not specifically remember this as it wasn't close to being the juiciest storyline, but it really hit home with me. Basically Scarlett Jo is using Kevin Connolly's character as a substitute boyfriend while she was single. She spent time with him, cuddled, shared intimate thoughts and when she met someone new and spicy, all but stopped seeing him.
A lot of women do this, either during a dating drought or when their current relationship isn't providing everything they need. Often women use a man subconsciously - we tell ourselves that we're just close friends and care about each other, but when a new boyfriend comes along your calls to your 'guy friend' are going to decrease dramatically. No question. Not only is this unfair to your male friend, but it's not healthy for you.
Maybe you're single and calling this friend every evening or exchanging daily emails, almost in the way that a couple would. This means that your friend is filling the void that comes with being single. Not that I want single women to be unhappy, but when this void is filled (temporarily) this makes a woman much less likely to head outdoors to find Mr. Perfect. The other common scenario is a woman who uses a male friend to survive a poor relationship. Picture a woman phoning her friend on the way home from spending time with her real boyfriend, who upset her or couldn't be bothered to help with a problem. If this is the case, why be in a relationship with someone who is driving you to tears or can't satisfy your most basic emotional needs?

Average

I am convinced that there are thousands of average single girls out there, and frankly it worries me a bit. What do I mean by average? It's nothing bad, not at all. In fact, average is just what it means - the norm. Average girls are good looking but not head-turning hot, fun and friendly but not the life of the party. I know a lot of girls who fall into this category, and they're great girls who deserve nothing but love and happiness.
Surprisingly, or maybe not so, a lot of these girls are single. Men want that superstar woman - either smokin' hot or the loudest party girl in the bar (or I'm sure both is preferable to them). It seems that very unstylish or quiet, reserved people seem to match up - they know what 'group' they belong to and what they want. On the other side of the coin the unbelievably good looking pair-up to ensure the population is replenished with Godliness. That leaves the average. Unfortunately men don't seem to understand that an average girl, although often not as flashy, can be very special and sparkly in her own way.

I Like You...Don't Run Away

How do you talk to a guy you don't know without seeming creepy or desperate? It's a question we've all posed at least once in our lives (let's be honest here). In this case I'm going to cover co-workers or people you know through business, but I know this conversation could last for much longer (and probably will re-surface).
So you've been scoping out the cute guy who sits two floors down. You have no reason to talk to him - no shared projects, no department-to-department interaction, and no mutual friends. But he's oh-so cute! Well, here are my suggestions:
Organize a group outing with other co-workers and invite him to join - coffee break, patio after work or lunch
Ensure you attend all office events and participate in any extra-curricular activities - BBQ's, sports leagues, Holiday parties; it's much easier to strike up a convo when you're not hovering over his cubicle
Find a reason to learn more about what he does in his job role - perhaps you're on a new project where that knowledge could be really helpful...
Use him as a sounding board for new work-related ideas - you are implementing a new system or program in your department and you need to know how it will impact others in the organization (aka him)
Blatantly ask him what he's doing after work this Friday and if he'd like to grab a drink, or if you're not that brave, if he wants to walk to the nearby cafe for lunch
Organize a sports pool or captain a team for a charity run, and encourage your co-workers to get their departments involved. Never underestimate the power of six degrees of separation!
Find extra reasons to be on his floor - personally visit a friend instead of emailing or visit the mailroom once a day
The key to avoiding creepiness is to involve others when possible in the beginning, and don't push it. If you feel that he's reciprocating - taking you up on your offers, giving you the once-over when you walk by, or asking you to join him in return, you're good to go. Conversely if you invite him out and he doesn't seem to bite, just drop it and you will still be able to pass by with a "what's up" and maintain your professionalism and stellar reputation.

SOS

Last week I watched an episode of my favourite wedding show, Wedding SOS where the bride's main goal was to keep her groom from straying before the wedding. I'm pretty sure if your main focus prior to your wedding day is not flowers, decorations, vows or the reception but your groom cheating or not showing up - there's a problem!
In this case the groom did not stray (probably because he was under 24-hour surveillance) but I'm wondering what their marriage is going to be like. I am not married, but I think I'm correct in believing that trust and commitment do not automatically occur once the vows are recited. I also don't think I'm wrong in assuming that their marriage will be one filled with worried stomach aches and horrible scenario building...at least for the wife.

Successful, Sexy and Single

I am lucky to be part of a great group of volunteers involved with a Toronto not-for-profit. This group of young people are completely outstanding (I am so under-qualified in comparison it's embarrassing) - with great resumes and amazing personalities. After hanging out with the group tonight it dawned on me that no one is married (at least that I know of). A few people are in serious relationships but otherwise it's a pretty eligible crowd, which is a bit unusual in a group of under-40's.
Not only is this unusual for our demographic, in this case it is astonishing because as I mentioned the group is dynamic, attractive, fun, friendly and ultra-successful. So what gives? Does this support the general belief that young professionals in big cities delay relationships and starting families to focus on their careers? Are they intimidating to the opposite sex? Are they so driven, with so many options available, that they don't want to settle down?
All of these seem like logical reasons, and I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. On the upside I now have a solid group of people to set up.

I'll Call You If You Call Me

I was back home last weekend and the thought to message my ex briefly passed through my mind. By brief I mean the thought was in and out before I even had to time to realize what it was. I am not even sure where the thought came from, my guess is it was a result of seeing some old faces and visiting past hang-outs. I was reverting to my former self; the girl who lived in Winnipeg and dated assholes.
Anyway, when I realized what my traitorous brain was suggesting, I instantly decided against it, for more reasons than one. The most obvious being that I'm in a relationship. But the most ground-breaking and important reason was that although I still know his phone number, I would wager my salary that he doesn't know mine. I am confident that he never knew mine, since I made approximately fifteen phone calls for every one he made to me. He never cared to learn mine because he knew I'd call him - no matter how much attention he gave me I'd always call. It all seems so clear - definitely the most important reason NOT to call someone.

I'm All Ears and No Mouth

What do you think of the new layout? Every once in a while I like to change things up - this season it's my hair colour, my reading genre and my blog layout. Let me know what you think! And while you're at it, is there anything else you would like to see here? Any wisdom you wish I shared or topics you'd like me to cover? Or better yet, stories you would like to share and have me broadcast for a wider audience?! I'm all ears, and this doesn't happen often, so take full advantage!

Mirror Mirror...

I'm trying something new - let's call it a one-week challenge. Each time I look in the mirror, which is a lot (I have a lot of mirrors in my apartment including my kitchen backsplash), I have to smile and tell myself I'm pretty while focusing only the positive. I realize this is totally a challenge made for an adolescent but I know that I need it.
After just one evening of following these rules I already feel better about myself. No more negative self-talk or being my own toughest critic. No more picking apart how bad I look - even if my hair is messy or my stomach is especially mushy - I have to focus on the positive and smile at myself for at least a few seconds.
Feel free to make fun of me for this cheesy challenge, but I also encourage you to try it and update me on how it goes for you! I promise your confidence will increase making you feel happier and sexier!

The Dating Coach

I want to become a dating coach - I think that's my new career goal. The way I look at it, my MANY years of bad relationships and frustrating scenarios have to go towards something. I have experienced and learned so much, I want to be able to pass on my learnings to my friends and future clients. As I build my empire, please feel free to volunteer yourselves and your stories in order to help me gain experience and of course provide material for my blog and books.

Picky Picky

Girls are so tough on guys. A lot of women think that guys are overly picky, too shallow, or only like big boobs, but in reality I think it's the females who are the picky ones. How many times have I heard of girls ending things because the guys are too competitive or they make funny noises when they chew? A guy may be a great potential life partner but because he's under 5'11" or wears glasses he just doesn't cut it (even when the girl is 5 feet tall).
We love guys who have great jobs and are committed, but don't like competitiveness or guys who are too 'driven'. We want a guy to be close with his family but get freaked out when they're too close with their mom. I think we need to relax a bit on the expectations. By no means am I suggesting women settle but maybe we should deal with a few minor annoyances, and keep them in perspective, in order to have a great partner for the next 20, 30 or 40+ years.

Beauty Queen

My latest guilty pleasure is Toddlers & Tiaras, the show following beauty pageant contestants on TLC. It's simultaneously disturbing and amazing, like a car crash that you can't help but stare at. I wonder what my life would be like if my parents had entered me into crazy intense American beauty pageants as a child, instead of sending me to gymnastics and soccer games. As it is I'm semi-obsessed with fashion, make-up and style even though I spent most of my childhood & adolescence in a demanding sport.
Then there's the issue of parental support and guidance - the favourite line of the parents in this show is "she is a four-year-old and she's a difficult child so I just let her do as she pleases". I'm pretty sure if the four-year-old me told my mom off just one time she would have smacked me, and rightfully so!

Shudder

The other day I had a flashback to a dirty comment made by an ex-BF of several years ago. I'm not sure what prompted the flashback but what was most disturbing was my reaction to the memory. I literally shuddered.
I remember the moment in question clearly - my BF at the time and I were at a movie screening and I was wearing a cute skirt that I was hoping he'd appreciate (I was so eager to please...). As we sat down for the movie he made a comment re: the skirt.
Even at the time I was just embarrassed, more so for him, and I felt really uncomfortable. It did not turn me on at all and in fact had the opposite effect.
This flashback reminded me of two important things. 1) I don't like dirty talk and 2) when a BF makes you shudder it's probably a pretty clear sign that things aren't meant to be.

Doing Things My Way

Our generation has grown up with the idea that it's cool to get married late, you don't need to have kids to be a success and it is totally acceptable to be single after the age of 25. I love this (especially since I totally fit into that demographic) and I think there are some great things about dating in your late twenties and beyond.
Unfortunately the common problem I see with dating at a more mature age (I'm not implying that anyone is old!) is that we're all so set in our ways. I know I'm making it sound like we're 72, but even at 27 I have my own ways of doing things, I know exactly what I like and what I absolutely will not deal with. This can be helpful in narrowing down the search for Mr. Right, but when you're starting out in a new relationship it can mean a lot of butting heads. Simple tasks like washing the dishes, choosing a restaurant and driving to a date can cause major disagreements and a lot of "why are you doing it that way"s. In my mind it's never going to be avoided - we've all been around for 25+ years making our own decisions and trusting that they're the right ones. What's important is that the man you're with respectfully questions you and your actions, in order to learn more about you with no hint of condescension or criticism anywhere nearby.

It's Been Awhile...and Random Thoughts

I haven't posted forever...I'm sure that you're all heartbroken after missing my random stories and dating advice for an entire month! Things have been busy, and maybe I just haven't been as dating-crazy as usual? Wow something must be wrong!
I'm back at it and May has brought on some new goals - think of it as a New Year's Reso beginning May 1st as opposed to January 1st.
I'm officially training to run my second half-marathon in June, and I've decided to actually train in order to a) avoid major embarrassment and b) avoid any sort of heart failure along the route.
I'm working my hardest to cook more, bring my lunch to work and eat healthy snacks...I'm even cooking now as I write!
I have two trips and one (important!) visitor this month, and I'm going to do all I can to fully enjoy it all. It's going to be busy, and stressful, but I know it will all be a great time!
I'm really working on slowing down, taking deep breaths, and enjoying every day. Sometimes I find that I've been barely breathed for several minutes or that I'm rushing when I don't need to. No more!
Random thoughts, but I feel that by listing my goals here, I have several people holding me accountable!

Bridezilla

There's a Rich Bride, Poor Bride marathon on today, which in turn means I'm having a hard time getting anything accomplished. If you haven't seen this show, it's one hour of following a couple as they plan and prepare for their big day. The focus is on the budget and (usually) how they completely blow it, but it also makes an effort to point out the couples' flaws and makes them look a bit ridiculous.
As I watch the show I shake my head and think about how when I'm a bride I will not be crazy, bitchy or unorganized like these women. But in reality, who knows. I'm sure when there is so much pressure on making that day great, and when family and friends get involved in the planning, any woman could turn into a crazy bride. There are so many people to please and so many things you're 'supposed to do' it's hard to do exactly what you want, and remain cool while doing it.
On that note - an apology far in advance. Although I will do my ultimate best to avoid Bridezilla tendencies, if I do get married one day please understand my mood swings and potential outbursts are not personal.

Happy and Satisfied

As young women we're always focused on what else is out there, assuming we can always get something better. Maybe 9 things out of 10 on your list of desirable man qualities are there, but because your current guy is weak in one (most likely unimportant, shallow) area you're willing to ditch out when the next guy walks past.
I definitely don't think any woman should settle, but because your BF doesn't have the best dinner party banter or enjoy grocery shopping as much as you'd like, does that mean you can't be happy with him?
Not to be depressing, but as time goes on this nagging feeling probably lessens, as your options become less as the number of candles on your cake increase. But for young women, we like lists of 30, 40 or 50+ traits that all have to be met in order to begin to be satisfied. I encourage you to re-evaluate you list, and remember that being satisfied and happy is not the same as settling.

Last Resort

The other night I was at the subway station after work, walking down the quieter-than-usual platform, when I noticed a cute guy standing alone. He was travelling the opposite direction to me, and I'm not someone to start convos with random men, so our encounter ended before it began. He was around 5'8" if I'm being generous, and he had shaved his obviously receding hair. Not so appealing? Nonetheless he was well-dressed and had a cute face. What struck me at that moment was that I check out guys who are supposedly bottom-of-the-barrel to other women. Most women refuse to even meet men who are under a certain height, maybe 5'10" (I'm short so I have a reverse height requirement) and a full head of hair usually tops the requirements list.
I figure if I'm back on the market in the future I should have no problem meeting someone who meets MY requirements, since all other women are shooing those same guys away.

Year in Review...Days Before My 27th

I can't believe it's been a year since I started this blog. I remember doing a year-in-review last year at the end of March when I hit my 26th birthday. This year was another great one. Although I didn't have quite as many changes or adventures this year, it was still great. Please excuse me for a moment while I publicly reflect on everything I accomplished, learned and enjoyed as a 26-year-old.
- I visited Winnipeg a few times, which although not exotic is a wonderful place where the people who love me most in the world live. Two of the highlights were spending quality time with my Granny and her great stories, and becoming closer with 5 of our family friends' tiny kids. Visiting more often means they don't have to re-meet me each time and I can be important to them like their parents are to me!
- I had a few weekends away and many weekends in town with great friends and family who came to visit.
- I had a 2 week wonderful adventure in Brazil, with two of my closest friends. What a beautiful, amazing, exciting country! I'm planning to return for World Cup 2014!!
- I moved in with my boyfriend who continues to amaze me with his kindness, patience and sense of humour.
- I was promoted at work which has made my job about 100 times more interesting and challenging.
- I got two different, challenging positions at United Way Toronto and am loving being back in the community service scene.
I realize this seems like a blatant opportunity to brag , but that isn't the purpose. I think it's important to reflect at the end of a year, and to set some goals for the coming year.
Aside from my quantitative accomplishments, I feel like I have become a more confident, attractive and fun person. I worry less about the physical things beyond my control (I'm under 5'0"...) and have found some good ways to make myself look and feel better. I enjoy dressing up, love my sense of fashion even if it's different sometimes, feel hot wearing high heels, and love buying new make-up. I don't think I would have admitted to any of those things a few years ago. So far I love getting older and in turn, more comfortable in my own skin.
And in case anyone is wondering, goals for my year as a 27-year-old include completing a good chunk of my first book, spending more time with my family, and planning a Russian adventure with my mom for next spring!

It's Warm Outside!

When the weather starts to warm up I feel like the single life is the way to go. Everyone comes out of their hibernating states and people are dressing more attractively (think leather jackets and blazers instead of down coats and toques), making the casual 'bump into' way more likely to happen. Think about those nights after work in the winter when you're supposed to go out with friends or meet a date, and you can't be bothered to trudge through the blizzard that's happening outside your office. Now reconsider that on a warm night where all you have to do is throw on a sweater and you can even wear your pumps! Girls, I know you feel me on this. Meeting up for drinks at a chic place in your Uggs or Wellies just isn't the same.
And it goes without saying that warmer weather = increased construction = more construction workers. Hot.
Obviously a few weeks of pre-mature spring weather isn't worth a break-up, but I think things are looking up for the single peeps out there.

Meeting Men

Why is it that some girls meet a new guy every week or two, when others go months without touching the 'new contact' button on their phone? Of course there are the obvious reasons - some girls are prettier, more outgoing or just plain easy. But I have witnessed vast differences among friends and acquaintances who are near equal in these fields. I know girls who are cute, confident and smart and go weeks without flirting.
I think there are 3 main reasons to explain this:
- Go out more. I know how it is - you're finished work at 7pm, feeling frazzled, and really cannot be bothered to walk to the subway in your pumps and navigate the crowds to get to the table in the back of the lounge where your friends are meeting for drinks. Pull yourself together and make an effort to get out there - you never know which night will be the one when you bump into your new BF.
- Don't be too picky. Yes you may not like balding guys, or maybe tall is your thing, but that nice guy in line behind you at Sobey's could still be a good catch. Give him a chance, after all you're looking to meet a good BF/husband, not a leading character in a Harlequin romance.
- Network. Network. Network. The more people you know the more chance you have of meeting a new guy. Make new friends, whether they're girls, gay men, guys you would never date in a minute, or people twice your age. The more people who know you, like you and want good things for you, the better that someone will introduce you to a fabulous guy.

Wow...

I totally didn't think about that. That's me, post-clearing my computer of old pictures. My last computer died on me a few months ago, and I'm just disposing of it now. It was easy to move my resume, cover letters and the few other documents I had onto my new computer. But looking through my pictures I feel torn between my old life and the one I'm currently living. I love my BF and the life I have now, but reliving the details of previous relationships through pictures is tough on the heart. Not to mention I now have little (or no) reason to keep those pictures. It's like throwing away several ground-breaking, important relationships, as well as a good chunk of me, without a second thought.
On the plus side, viewing a slideshow of pictures that document the past 7 years of your life is a great way to determine your best hair colour.

Dirty Fighting

Some people are dirty fighters, including myself in the past, and I believe that some people probably do come by it naturally. Maybe these people are evil (?!!), they're insecure or just quick-thinking while their opponents are stumbling over their tongues for a comeback. Whatever the reason, fighting dirty is never good, especially when it's with someone you love or care about.
I hear from girls all the time who tell me their BF is a dirty fighter, and I feel sad that they're going through a tough fight, but even more worried for the future of their relationship. I worry that these are the guys who will throw your insecurities right back at you in the heat of the moment. These might be the guys who drink too much and put an evil spin on the secrets you shared with them earlier that day. Perhaps you're a victim at a time when the kids are acting up, you're both stressed out, and the guy storms out of the house uttering rude comments. Regardless of the method used to dish it out, these fights are bad news and the comments are poisonous.
I know I've been guilty in the past, but as I've matured and grown to really love the people close to me, the thought of hurting them in any way, let alone such a cruel way, hurts my own heart. I'm amazed and saddened that people would inflict this pain on those closest to them.

Grade 3

Remember when guys picked on you when they liked you? I was tormented by a boy in elementary school for being so small - shrimp, midget and shorty were words I heard on a near-daily basis until my mom finally gave the teacher the heads-up. I learned later that he thought I was cute. Not exactly romantic but it was the best you could expect from an under-12-year-old boy.
I have experienced an eerily similar situation over the past few months, with a male acquaintance who relentlessly pokes fun and teases me. Seriously, he teases. I'm reminded of those long days in Grade 3, where once again my height is a source of entertainment, and the fact that I was born and raised in Winnipeg is hilarious. Seriously, who makes fun of those things after the age of thirteen? At least to the person's face!
More than a couple people have proposed the possibility that he 'likes' me. Wow if only I could be so lucky (sarcasm). I would hope by this age men have worked up the courage to get to know girls they like, or even better, flirt with them. But just in case, here's an FYI boys - mean jokes about things that we can't help, ie. our height, does not qualify as flirting.

Valentine's Day for Couples

After reviewing the pros of being single on the world's most romantic day (see previous post), I know it's only appropriate to cover the other angle.
Of course it's nice to have a date for Valentine's Day, and when that date is someone you love and care about it really is wonderful. Unfortunately, more often than not I think that Valentine's Day for couples is a tough day to get through. The pressure to make the day a success is huge - every person, especially the men, are under a microscope. When he doesn't take you to the right restaurant you begin to wonder if maybe he doesn't know you well enough, or is this really the guy you want to spend your future special days with? All girls are comparing the facts and events of their days with each other, and judging whether their BFs are good enough. It's unfortunate because a BF could be amazing every day of the year, but if he comes up short on Feb. 14th, he's viewed as an undesirable catch. And we wonder why guys end up buying generic flowers and chocolates - they're caving under the pressure!
I think Valentine's Day for couples is a day of disappointment more often than a day of love and happiness, unless of course you have a great catch like I do.

Valentine's Day for Singles

Valentine's Day has traditionally been viewed as a bitter, trying event for single people. How I understand it though, is that those without a lover seem to band together, creating one of the best party nights of the year. No longer is it a night for sitting at home crying into a carton of ice cream - for single people it's an excuse for a girls' dinner, several bottles of wine or a great night out with all your single friends.
It can also be a great reason to hang out with that guy you've been eyeing - using the excuse that you don't want to be alone on such a horrifically romantic day. My last relationship started for this very reason - the supposed embarrassment or fear of being lonely on Feb 14th was the best way to make the move from acquaintance to date. I say the decades of being the sad single woman alone on V-day are over - this could quite possibly be the best night of the year, and when I was out last night part of me wanted to join in.

Parade of Nations

As I watched the nations march into BC Place last night for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, I also watched my dating history parade past my eyes. There were the men of my past represented in alphabetical order - Bosnia, Hong Kong, Italy, Jamaica, Lebanon. As my friends were trying to understand where and what Kyrgyzstan is, I was weighing the merits of Middle Eastern men against those from the former Yugoslavia.

Not My Problem

An ex of mine taught me a great lesson - he taught me to utter the phrase "It's not my problem". As rude, inconsiderate and selfish it sounds, this is something every girl should learn to say. The less liberating part of the story is that he used the words on me, when I was having a meltdown late one night.
In typical early-20-something-year-old female fashion, I had a freak-out about his commitment (never outlined or discussed prior to then) to me. Needless to say it was probably not the right conversation to be having...in the location we were in...at 3am. When I explained that I was nervous and maybe (definitely) a bit (a lot) insecure due to my recent ex's infidelities, he replied with the wonderful three words you see here. Not My Problem.
While this surprised me at first, I realized he was so right. I mean, you don't want someone you're sharing your life with to have this response to all of life's challenges, but it IS the right response to an emotional young girl who drank more than 3 cocktails that evening.
It was not his problem that I was sadly insecure and didn't realize how cool I was. It was not his problem that I spent hours of each day wondering why someone like him would date me. It was definitely not his problem that I had dated a few classic slime balls before him.
As we get older and there is SO MUCH baggage to deal with, try using this phrase and I promise you'll feel a bit more liberated. You may want to mutter it to yourself to avoid appearing like a jerk, but in my case, I respect this guy that much more for being honest and teaching me a great lesson.

Update

Please know that I don't pull ALL (or even a lot of) the material from this blog from my own personal circumstances and experience. My BF/roommate is super annoying at times (aren't we all??) but I'm not throwing him out. Thanks for the input as I know people dealing with this issue, or close to dealing with this problem, and in truth any one of us could find ourselves in that tough position in the months or years to come.

So...

I don't want you to live here anymore - how do I say that to someone without totally throwing them out? Boyfriends can move in and it can all be wonderful, but it can be difficult too. I feel like moving in together is a huge life change - you may not be ready to marry someone but living together might seem like the most appropriate next move. Several months or years later, you realize it's not the right thing but maybe you're unsure of how to deal with the situation. Do you have ideas for how to end things without breaking someone's heart? How do you work through a person's quirks without completely ruining them for life?

Mothers

This morning I spent a few hours (torturing myself) thinking about mothers of ex-boyfriends. I'm not sure where this came from but I realized that I have dated several guys with mothers who either a) were beyotches b) disliked me or c) went really out of their way to make me uncomfortable or d) all of the above. I'm fine with the fact that they may have been unfriendly (cruel) people, or even with the idea that they didn't like me, although I can't really pinpoint what would have caused that feeling.
What is frustrating about these mothers is:
1. I stressed out so much about whether they liked me. Funny when I think about it now because who cares if the mother of your 18-year-old boyfriend approves of you? Chances are you won't be getting married or even move in together, and if she doesn't like you that means you won't have to suffer through awkward family events that always prove embarrassing for both you and your BF. I wish I could go back to those days and take back all the effort spent trying to impress these impossible mothers.
2. I was a great girlfriend, especially to these particular guys. I was a good student, had one or two part-time jobs, was polite and friendly and very much into the guys. I helped them with their classes, encouraged them to get their lives together and in a few cases I was the reason they stopped drinking/smoking/generally wasting their lives. It's so ridiculous now that I think of it - some of these guys couldn't hold down a job or pass a university course, and I was the one getting attitude from their moms?
I wonder how they treat their sons' current love interests (or maybe wives...not sure if any of these guys are married...). My bet would be no better - some people are just impossible. I'm just happy it's no longer my concern.

Shacking Up

I took one of the biggest steps of my life last month and moved in with my BF. That sounds like an exaggeration but it definitely ranks up there with the other big moments in my 26 years - quitting gymnastics, starting university, moving to TO.
It's going really well although I know it's still early. We have both been ultra-considerate and helpful - think "don't worry, I'll do the dishes tonight" - almost as if we're both afraid of driving the other person away. I picture us standing on opposite sides of a large swimming pool, sticking our toes in the water, afraid to create any big waves.
I often laugh to myself, picturing how drastically different my blog posts could be a year in the future. They could focus on our non-stop arguing and how he won't get off his butt to even offer to do the dishes. I really hope it doesn't come to that (I hope I would kick him out before that) but regardless I'm enjoying this calm, happy and polite stage of things.

Ikea

I'm pretty sure Ikea was introduced to North America for the sole purpose of causing fights between couples here. Think about it - Ikea has all the makings of a disastrous torture situation:
- There are always a ton of people there, just way too many for the amount of walking space available.
- Decisions must be made. You've most likely travelled a decent distance to get there and it seems a waste to go home empty-handed. It's not like you can just 'pop in' on your way home from work tomorrow.
- Money is discussed - often a lot of money is thrown around at Ikea. You're probably not going all the way there for a few candles only. Suddenly couples are facing a substantial purchase of $300+, maybe for the first time.
- We all know how most guys feel about shopping.
If you have to go, don't go on a Saturday, have as much fun as you can, and if you have a BF who will stomach the store for more than 10 minutes, he's a keeper.