She's just not that into you

Girls are always taught to watch for the signs that a guy is not that into us. It takes only minutes for us to tell our friends "ugh drop him, he didn't return your call, he's not worth your time". A guy ditches plans last minute and we question why we're with them. If a guy I'm dating won't come out to support one of my charity events it's a huge strike against them.
When we have friends who exhibit the same behaviors, we are somehow so ultra forgiving. Obviously we all accept our loved ones and their flaws, and I will be the first to admit I haven't been the best buddy as of late. But when I look back on the recent weeks with a few friends, it's a string of me contacting them, sometimes getting a response, often not. Never have they reached out to say hello or invite me for a coffee date. Group outings have happened and I'm not invited. Short of banging on their door and forcing my way in, I don't foresee seeing them in 2012 as I can't seem to book even 15 minutes in their busy schedules.
If I told a friend these facts about a guy I would be instructed to break-up immediately. So why am I chasing after these friends? Sure friends are super important in our lives, but I'll choose to use my time, energy and heart on friends who ARE that into me.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thank G for Her Sense of Humour

I haven't blogged for some time, and recently I've had a few requests to get over the fact that I'm in love and resume writing about the ups and downs of dating.

So what better way to (re)start than to share a story from a friend, who we'll refer to as Rita. This is copy and pasted from our chat this afternoon, so you can feel like you're right in the conversation.

For her sake and mine, I'm very thankful that Rita has a great sense of humour, or this story would have undoubtedly ended in (sad) tears.

Rita:
i met up with this guy... it was a set up
he was late
wearing a bill cosby-style sweater
and not in a fun ironic way
then he got terrible heartburn or something and kept burping and had to run to the store to buy tums
lol
it was brutal
he was also totally unimpressed that i didn't own a car
oh
and the best part was when

Dani:
WHATTTTTTTTT
AMAZING
Very different if the sweater wasn't worn in the "the ironic way"

Rita:
he bascially told me that he frequents strip clubs
hahahaha
amazing
and sooo awful

Dani:
this guy...did he follow you home after and look into your windows?
like seriously creepy
and who the eff set you up with him?!!

So Rita goes on to say that no, he did not follow her home (she's safe) and he did not try to contact her again. Which saves her the unenjoyable task of punching the friend who set them up!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If you really...

In my opinion, if you really liked someone you wouldn't be tempted to meet up with someone else late at night.
Even if you're meeting someone as a friend, you wouldn't want to exchange numbers if you were as into your BF as you proclaim to be.
For me, the true sign that I am really serious about someone is when I tell a new guy that I have a BF, unprompted. That's when I know that even though this move means I'll probably never see this new guy again, I'm ok with that because my BF is so great.

Passion Partay

Last night I finally hosted my first Passion Party. My friend Lesley is a wonderful Passion Consultant, and she explained and demo'd everything from grooming products, sensual massage creams and warming lubricants, then finally onto the big players - sex toys.

There was a lot of giggling but to my surprise very little embarrassment. I suppose it's a result of Lesley's open, friendly, knowledgeable demeanor, plus the super cool group of girls who attended. Girls called out questions and shared stories on everything from their "size", their preferences and what products they're currently enjoying in their bedroom. The group was an even mix between single and paired-off women, and I think everyone found it informative, exciting, helpful and fun. While I was concerned that it might not be a very profitable night for the Consultant, many people purchased items and most openly discussed what they bought (usually purchases are made in a private area).

I had a great turn-out for my party, and thank you to my friends whose purchases lead to a great deal on the products I purchased! What I expected to be a bit of a joke, and possibly lewd or uncomfortable, turned out to be a great way to spend a Friday night with wine, friends and girl talk.

I definitely encourage other women to host their own party! Now I just wonder if all my friends will be exponentially happier and more relaxed in two-three weeks when our deliveries arrive.

The Secret Stage

There is usually a period early in pregnancy when people don't tell anyone but immediate family or close friends of their big news. This totally makes sense, and often saves the couple additional difficulty if faced with a bad outcome in the first few months.

It would make things so much easier if relationships had the same 'secret stage' early on. How many relationships last a month or two and fall apart, for simple reasons? After all, dating someone for a month does not mean that you know him very well. He's essentially still a stranger, albeit one who has probably seen you naked.

By telling everyone you know about your new boyfriend after a couple weeks, you're making it very difficult on yourself should things not work out. It's difficult to hold things in - after all the earliest months are so exciting and giddy, you feel like shouting from rooftops. However, by sharing the news with everyone from your 3rd cousin to your cubicle neighbour, what should be a fairly easy break-up (if there is such a thing) turns into a challenging time where you have to explain the situation and your relationship failures to everyone who asks how your new boyfriend is doing.

I'm not saying it needs to be a complete secret, but maybe hold off on co-hosting get-togethers with friends, booking vacations and introducing him to extended family before you have solidified the relationship past 3 weeks.

An Apology Letter

Dear friends, co-workers and acquaintances,

I'm sorry if I've appeared to zone out while you're talking to me. If I missed that last instruction at work or left early from last week's party, I apologize. I didn't join you at a club this past week and I'm sorry if I change the topic of conversation every 5 minutes. My head is not in the game and I'm sure you can tell.

When it looks like I'm daydreaming, I am. When it seems like my mind is wandering and it sounds like I have a one-track mind, it's because it is, and I do. I'm smitten and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

All the reasonable parts of me are saying "Get yourself together, lady! You have responsibilities, awesome friends, a good job and many hobbies that you love doing."

Unfortunately it's as if the more emotional part of me is screaming while the reasonable side is whispering. Guess which side wins?

I'm smitten and I'm loving all the wonderful things that go with a new relationship. I know I know... it's important to be independent and have your own life and friends. I'm not dismissing that at all, and it's my most popular piece of advice to others. But please give me a short vacay from responsibilities and forgive me for my googley-eyedness.

I don't blame you if you dislike this version of me - I kind of hate me too.

Love from,
Dani

Absence...Does it Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is the saying "out of sight, out of mind" more accurate?

Sometimes a self-imposed break is a good thing. While you are used to spending a lot of time with a guy, a trip or busy period at work forces you to spend some time apart. Hopefully with this, he will realize how boring life is without you and the nights at home or out on the town are just not quite as fun without you by his side. He'll quickly understand that his bed isn't as cozy and he'll miss the daily chats.

Unfortunately though, sometimes by not being there and being top of mind, you're risking that he'll forget you. Maybe you have only been together a short while so life just returns to normal as you step on the plane. Maybe there are other girls in his life that seem attractive now that you're not front and centre.

If things are meant to be and you have a strong connection, even if it's early on in the relationship, an absence can make things stronger between you.

I know that I should not have to force myself into someone's life or continually fight for his attention, so I will keep going on trips and spending time apart from whoever I'm dating. If this proves to be an "out of sight, out of mind" situation, then I obviously wasn't that important to him in the first place.

I'm an Excellent Driver

In the traditional sense, men have always been the drivers of relationships. Girls are taught that if a man likes you, he will approach you, ask for your number, call you and if he can't get hold of you, run to your house and camp outside until you answer the door. In the classics, men would spend days journeying to see the woman they loved, just to find her away from the house, or worse, already engaged to someone else.

Today, we still expect a man to drive the relationship forward. I speak all the time about how if a man likes you, he will ask you out, otherwise he's not that into you. It has recently been brought to my attention, however, that some men prefer to let the woman steer the relationship.

While I initially argued against this, the more I think about it, I have been the driver in many of my past relationships. I tend to date laid back guys, which I like, since I can be pretty high-strung at times. Also I'm a big-time planner, and have been since I was five years old, and I'm extremely organized. Not to mention I'm bossy. So naturally I end up steering things. That isn't to say the guys weren't interested, they just didn't pursue me in the same manner we're taught to expect.

That said, I still really appreciate a guy who will tell me he likes me. I'm fine with making some of the plans, but if you're interested, ensure you show me that you're interested. It doesn't hurt to plan a nice date, tell me I look pretty or invite me to join you at an important event. Sometimes by allowing the girl to drive, guys give off an air of not really caring how things turn out, which is unfortunate if they really are interested.

I am not a fan of dating games but there is a point where I will stop messaging you/suggesting we hang out/making plans, no matter how receptive you appear, just to force you to initiate something and therefore confirm whether you like me.

The Rule

The main lesson I learned from the book (and movie) He's Just Not That Into You is that girls should expect to be the rule, not the exception to the rule. When a guy doesn't call after your first date, it's unlikely that his phone was swallowed by a bear and more likely that he just wasn't feeling it. When a guy won't call you his girlfriend, he probably wants to keep dating other girls, even if he says he has long-seeded commitment issues or is going on a worldwide adventure in a month (does he actually have a ticket booked?). The rule generally applies, regardless of the stories a guy tells you or more likely, the stories you tell yourself.

I've been spending time with a guy I met through another friend. Before becoming closer with him I had been told that he dates regularly but never anything serious. For whatever reason (or excuse) he generally doesn't have girlfriends just dates people for a month or two and moves on. This didn't bother me in the least until we began spending more time together, and as usual, the dynamic changed slightly and I became more interested in him.

He messages me regularly and acts like a great friend and stand-up guy. We have a lot of fun when we are together and he has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a guy. But it dawned on me the other night, why would this be any different for him than any other girl he's spent time with? Why should I expect the outcome to differ from his last few relationships? Not to say I don't think I'm worth it, but history has to be some sort of indicator of the future.

I'm sure he's had other cute girls laughing hysterically at his jokes, girls who he enjoyed their company and invited to hang out often. Yet he didn't make the move to officially date them, become exclusive and have a mature relationship. So why would that change with me? Rather than spend time convincing myself that I'm the exception, I think I'll move on to a guy where the rule is what I want.

Hobbies

One of my main dating tips for singles is to get a hobby. Not only will you expand your network (and potentially meet a date) but you'll become a more interesting person for it.

I'm forever surprised by the number of girls I meet who don't have any hobbies or interests outside of dating and their job. Whether it's a sport, a volunteer activity or a class, I'd expect a girl to have at least an interest in something.

This gives girls an extra topic to chat about, over and above their job and their childhood ("I grew up in Winnipeg..." is only exciting for so long). Pretty girls will get a guy's attention, no doubt, but keeping a guy's attention is another issue. After the first date, there's only so much small talk that can take place. Most guys have several interests, so chances are he's going to find a girl boring if she doesn't participate in any extra-curricular activities. If her schedule is wide open or she doesn't feel at least semi-passionate about anything, that just screams "plain".

So, that said, here are a list of potential interests and activities to partake in:

• A favourite band or a music venue featuring local bands
• Local sports team - get cheap tickets and check out a few games a year
• Take a class in something that interests you - photography, writing, English Lit, graphic design
• Volunteer. This is very near and dear to my heart - not only will you give back but you'll meet other community-conscious people!
• Travel - near or far this gives you a fun thing to chat about and you'll learn about yourself in the process

Wrong Number

I'm always a proponent of phoning vs. texting when you first meet a girl. Here's another piece of support for my argument - an entire confusion and near-disaster would have been avoided with one simple phone call.

About a week and a half ago I made plans with a friend who lives outside Toronto to meet up for dinner. He told me he'd "be in town for work" and wanted to see me on Sunday night. When he messaged, I didn't have his phone # saved, but I recognized the area code as belonging to my friend S.H. who had phoned me on my birthday. I was busy at the time of his message, so I quickly saved his name in my phone, made plans to meet up Sunday evening and left it at that.

We messaged a few times over the past week to confirm plans, pick a resto and a time, and tell each other how excited we were to see each other. All along I assumed I was meeting my friend S.H., who I've known for years. Never in my messages did I mention any of the details of our friendship. In fact, upon re-reading my messages they were extremely generic, on both sides, and they really could have been sent to anyone in my contact list.

So tonight I showed up at his hotel to meet him in the lobby as planned, but instead of greeting him with a big smile and a hug, I gave the guy sitting on the couch a strange look and asked what he was doing in the city. I expected to see S.H., and instead the guy who approached me was an airport acquaintance - let's call him Newark Airport - a cute guy I'd befriended during a delay in January.

Needless to say I was surprised and confused, and I don't even want to think about what kind of expressions I was making while my mind raced between the options:

1) Is this actually S.H. and he looks different than I remember?

2) Pretend I knew I was meeting this guy all along and hope that S.H. wasn't going to step off the elevator

3) Explain my error and confirm that, yes, in fact, this was who I had been texting.

I chose the latter and it took me the walk to the restaurant to recover my cool, explain that I am in fact a sane, organized person, and reassure my friend that I was happy he was now my date. It was in fact a very pleasant surprise - Newark Airport was nothing but funny, charming and very cute. It provided a dramatically different vibe to the evening that I wish I'd been prepared for - flirting with a new guy takes a different level of preparation than catching up with an old friend - but all in all I'd deem it a success.

I will just ensure that in the future I call the guy I'm meeting with before I book the reso.

ERASE Button

I have a great idea for an app - an ERASE button - and please let me explain why this is such a smart idea.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, things seemed to be going well, when he made it clear he was not very interested in me. I'm unsure of what happened to change his mind, but regardless of the reason, I want nothing more to do with him. There are not many things more pathetic than a girl who continues to message or call a guy after he's said he doesn't want to date her. Unfortunately, it can be challenging not to, especially if he is still friendly and nice.

It's especially difficult to remember why I shouldn't be messaging him when his number is so easily available. It's saved in my phone, and even if I did delete it, I have past text messages and the "reply" button is just an inch away. At this point I have his email address and he's on Facebook. He's everywhere.

Here's where the ERASE button comes in. Things are more complicated than in the old days where you simply throw out the piece of paper with his number or delete his number from your call history. Now, you press the ERASE button and he's gone. Emails, text messages, call history and your friendship on Facebook. You won't have to worry about his post coming up on your Twitter feed or sending him a drunk message at the end of the night.

Any developers who are interested, you know how to reach me.

Surprise Message

Today I received a message from an ex that I never thought I'd see. Granted, I'm not completely innocent - I messaged him yesterday saying Hello.

This is an ex who I have always had a close friendship with since breaking-up eight years ago. I have no intentions to get back together with him, and I have not seen him in more than three years.

And I quote:

"Hey! I'm good thank you. I'm really sorry but keeping in touch with x girlfriends is getting me into all kinds of trouble! I'm sorry, nothing against u or anything but I need to put my past behind me! Take care hope all is well".

After receiving this I immediately deleted his number (even though I have had it memorized for years) and will definitely never reach out to him again. I think the most surprising is that of all relationships I've had, this is the one that came to the "never speak to me again" stage.

EXcitement

I had dinner with an ex on Friday night. Luckily the plans were made two days in advance, as even then I spent several hours contemplating outfits, where to go and what it would be like to see him. I don't want to think what my productivity levels would have been for the month if he'd invited me out in March.

I picked a great restaurant, tried on 4 outfits, and spent over an hour making myself beautiful - which is a long time for someone with a super short attention span like myself. It paid off - I felt very pretty and confident and I was happy to show him how I'd grown up over the past few years.

What struck me as odd was that I was more concerned about looking good for him than I am on most first dates I go on. My friends offered suggestions on what to wear, my roommates told me how great I looked before I went out, and being sweet as they are they even messaged me while I was out to mention it again.

I had a great dinner and hopefully he felt at least an ounce of regret for dumping me, but ultimately he's an ex who I have zero interest in. Why are we so concerned with impressing exes, when they're virtually failed options, yet we are lazy with dating new guys? No, not all girls are like that, but maybe that's why I am still single...

A Boyfriend Equation

BF - intimacy + baseball = Baseball BF

I think this could be the solution I've been looking for for some time now! I don't think my needs are unreasonable. I'd like someone who will go to Jays games with me, and explain an odd call or recite the pitcher's stats. I want someone who will tell me I look cute when I show up for pre-game beers, but I don't need anyone coming home with me at the end of night. I'm not saying this is a permanent position, but for this point in my life, a baseball BF is the perfect BF for me.

He can be in another (real) relationship and it is preferable that he be completely uninterested in me as a potential wife. He should however enjoy my company enough to sit through a three-hour baseball game. He should also enjoy beer.

This is so much better than a real BF because the only drama we should ever face is disagreeing about the second-base umpire's call or whether we should have another beer before the end of the 7th. In my opinion, "I can't believe they're not starting Morrow!" is much more tolerable than "why were you texting HER last night?!".

I'm now taking applications, please email if interested.

Twenty-Eight Going on Sixteen

Two 16-year-old girls are sharing a coffee at Starbucks chatting about their guy drama. For the most part it was typical dating drama, but the disturbing part was that their issues were scarily similar to issues I am still dealing with today. I felt like shaking the girls and telling them some things just never change, and that they have at least another fifteen years of this garbage to deal with, so they better get used to it!

Here's part of their story, just for your reading pleasure.

Lucy

So Lucy is telling Jane about her break-up last weekend. She tells the story as "OMG I seriously cried all day." So the story goes that she decided to break up with her BF who happens to be older than her. She is sitting with him (at his place I assume) cuddling and she starts getting sad and pretty much crying. She tried to tell him a bunch of times and then about 10 minutes before they have to part she decides to do it.

She had already planned to do it so that's not the problem. The drama is around his reaction. He acted like it was no big deal and just said "it's okay". When she asked him what he meant by that he said "it's okay because they can still be friends". Then she checked Facebook when she got home and he had changed his relationship status to single seconds after she left. And a bunch of people had liked it and he wrote "LOL". So she messaged him wanting to talk to him. The way she calls it is that she envisioned the breakup being a little big more "dignified" (her word). Nowadays we would say "I need closure. And why isn't he more heartbroken over this?"
Ten minutes later: the guy called while they were sitting at Starbucks. He wanted to talk about it but was apparently at a friend's house and she said she didn't want to talk about it while he was there. So they are planning to get together on Friday to chat.

Of course as soon as she gets off the phone she starts freaking out. She keeps saying "OMG help me!" "What do I say?!" Jane gives pretty much useless advice and tells her to say something along the lines of "it was just too hard" and some other mumble jumble. Jane gets up to go to the bathroom and Lucy immediately jumps on the phone to call random third friend saying "OMG what do I do?!"

The thing is, during all of these conversations Lucy is smiling. It's as if she likes the drama and/or she's excited to see him. It might be both, and it definitely seems silly, but either way replace "Lucy" with "Dani" and it would be a totally believable story. I may be older but definitely not wiser.

Online Dating: Part Deux

In case his first message wasn't funny enough, he decided to seal the deal and send a follow-up message to my friend. You'll remember from the first message (see "Online Dating") that he was more than a little interested in her. Well, he's persistent, although the tone changes a bit with this message. I will confirm that it was unprovoked - my friend did not respond to his first message, he came up with this beauty all on his own:

I don't know if you appreciate honesty, I just wanted to let you know I
am a for sure thing, I don't want to be rude; I mean I just wanted to
let you know that, Lol. I mean why don't we just hook up for A couple of
great evenings eating some good food, some great cooked food, some great
movies, some great sex, I mean I like to enjoy a beautiful girl just
like the next guy. In all reality, you're going to sleep with other
people and so am I. I don't want to enjoy a girls company once I want to
enjoy it as long as it lasts. Am I going to be totally faithful, no I am
not? A nice dinner some great sex and some great laughs, I mean right
now in my life the way it's going, I have a lot to accomplish, I want
date but, I want to have fun and I really don't see the point in waiting
time. I am not going to be a guy who's going to lie to you nor do I want
to be rude. Let's face it I had a choice, a night of great sex a dinner
cooked some laughs and someone to cuddle and sleep beside and do that
when we feel like it. Or sleep by ourselves. I would pick the sex and
the good company. I want anything serious right now but I just wanted to
let you know I am a for sure thing one night if you were interested. Did
you want to meet for a coffee and see if there is a connection? Just to
let you know I saw you and just let you know about some possibilities.

The latest update - after being ignored by my friend, he has since closed his account on this particular dating site. The coast is clear for her to move on to bigger and better things.

Going Downhill, Fast

One of the exciting & stressful things about dating is that things can seem great, then within a day or two they feel like they're heading straight downhill. You can always count on dating to keep us on our toes.

Let's take the last guy I dated: things were going well, we spent one or two evenings a week together, he messaged, called, seemed really reliable and fun, and I was happy. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and a few weeks ago there was a noticeable shift in his behaviour. I noticed it, but still liked hanging out with him so I toned things down a bit and continued to talk with him. He was still really responsive, friendly and he was especially great when we hung out.

Yada yada yada...we've all heard this story before. Obviously something happened that made him just not that into the whole sitch. I think he may have gotten a bit scared of how fast things were moving, or maybe he met another girl and is either too inept to handle dating both of us at once, or feels bad to pursue me further with another girl on the go. My number #1 guess: he is on the verge of breaking out the "You're a cool girl but I'm just not looking for a relationship" card.

What I do want to ask, for myself and all the girls out there who have been in a similar situation, is Why? I would like to know what happened that made him change his mind about me. If it was an external pressure (meeting another girl, for example), there's not much I can do about it. Guys are going to meet other girls. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I said or did something that scared him off or made him go into the relationship fetal position.

It's tough to ask for critiques - think about how rough it is at your job, when someone criticizes your professional work. Now apply that same level of critique to your dating life or even to your personality. Ouch. I`m prepared to put myself out there for the greater good. Think of how much better I, and the girls who read my blog, will be at dating after hearing this truth.

Why You Should Never Change Plans for a Guy

Here's a fun little story taken straight from my life: It begins with me, on Friday morning, asking a guy I'm seeing if he wants to hang out later that night. Here's the conversation and sequence of events that follow:

Him: I'm busy later tonight with some friends but how about breakfast tomorrow?

Me: Sure, I have plans in the afternoon so it will have to be early.

Him: Sounds great, blah blah blah, I'll come to your neighbourhood, blah blah blah, I'm a nice guy, blah blah I'll be there at 10am

On Friday night I met friends for post-work drinks, and I also had an invite for later that night, but seeing as I had to be up at 9am and wanted to look and feel good, I decide to call it an early night. Granted I was exhausted from the week and wanted the rest, but knowing I had to be up early really solidified my decision. I was actually excited to rise early and meet with him when I went to bed.

2:47am: I am awakened by a text message. And I quote: "Hey I'm jus going to bed, gonna bail on tmrw since there's no way I'm getting up in time. I will def give u a shout tho...super sorry again"

Yes...super sorry again because he's bailed on me before. The last time was on something way more important than a breakfast, but nonetheless bailing 7 hours before just tells me he doesn't care that much. I know guys who would make it to a 10am date if they had only one hour of sleep, just so they could see the girl!

I have other people to see tomorrow and know that my day will still be fun, but I wish I had gone out and danced, drank and partied with my friends last night. I just might have met a cute, reliable guy.

Online Dating

As I'm preparing to dive into the world of online dating I've been pleasantly surprised to find out most of my friends are ready and willing to share stories and advice from their experiences on the world wide web. Some stories are good, many are bad, and all are helpful.

I just couldn't pass up the following message though - below is the actual text from a message that a friend received on a free site:

Hey girl, I don’t know how you did this, but you have me absolutely stumped. I glanced over your profile and you tilted my head you are absolutely beautiful baby girl. I mean, I hope I not being to forward. I don’t want take any chances on ruining something as great as you look and read. Girl. I mean you got me stumped on why you single. I would have a ring on that finger a long time ago. I mean it baby girl, I mean something like you belongs on a dance floor getting twirled You should be made to feel something special. I don’t know what you been dealing with but a gorges face like yours need to feel something special. I mean it you are beautiful baby girl. Wow More about me. Hard working guy who just wants to make something like you know she’s number one and give you something they talk about in books. I can’t give you anything perfect because I am not yet, but neither are you. So what do I got to do to walk into gal’s life like yours just let me know

Inattentiveness

Three weeks ago a guy I'd been out with a few times sent me a cute message on a Saturday afternoon. He was asking how a meeting I had that day went. This was something I had briefly mentioned on the Thursday prior, as an off-hand comment when discussing my weekend plans. I was super impressed that he had a) listened so carefully to my somewhat lame story and b) taken the time to check on how it went.

This past Saturday I moved to my new house, and he didn't even send me a measly text to ask how it went. I heard from him on Sunday, but by then the move was long over and my interest in him was fading fast. True - it didn't make a world of difference - I had many caring friends and family members who phoned or messaged about it, and some wonderful girl friends in the city who picked me up and even lugged my garbage downstairs for me!

I was so surprised - how can he ask about a fairly small event in my life, while this move is all I've been yapping about for a month? It's not like he stood a chance of forgetting about it!

Something tells me he may not be as interested as he was several weeks ago.

Drunk Texting...Never A Good Idea

When you are drinking and decide to send a message or make a phone call, it can mean major regret the next day. Waking up and reviewing my outgoing messages can be a painful activity, and it always leads to me wanting to send a follow-up message. I want to reassure the recipient that I was not in the best state of mind and I might even ask that he delete my message or voicemail.

Do I risk seeming needy and possibly crazy by sending two messages before he has responded to my first, just to try to to explain the circumstances of the evening prior? It does seem a bit much, but the other option is to sit around waiting for a response worrying that it will be a negative one, or even worse, that I'll get no response at all.

I think the best solution is for someone to (please!) take my phone away from me when I get to drink number three.

Change of Heart

When you first begin dating someone, things can change really quickly. One week things can be fun, exciting and full of romantic dates, and the next week the guy doesn't seem so attractive to you, or maybe the he is just nowhere to be found.

This is one of the trickiest things with dating - you never know when your time together will be the last. Because there isn't a lot of depth to your relationship at this point, it doesn't take much for one party to have a change of heart.

Perhaps on your last date you said something that didn't seem like a big deal, but it scared him off. Or maybe you have a great night and he leaves feeling as if you're perfect, but the next day he gets a call from his ex begging for him back. Your three dates can't compete with their months or years together. On Monday you could go for a great dinner, talk on Tuesday and by Friday he could have met someone else. Because there's no commitment at this stage, this is totally allowed, but it still comes as a surprise when it happens to you.

In my opinion the worst thing you can do early on is make plans for more than a week or two in the future. Although it's super tempting, because you like the person and enjoy spending time with them, this just leads to disappointment and potential awkwardness if things don't work out.

I'm not counting on the guy I'm seeing now to be at my birthday in just over a month. Although that sounds harsh, and seems a bit sad right now, I know it's a complete possibility. All you can hope for is that things continue on a good path and if you aren't still dating in the future, that there will be no hard feelings. Otherwise that concert we have tickets for could be a bit awkward...

I Can't Help But Assume...

All too often girls assume that a guy is into them. Here's a familiar situation: A guy approaches me and I think he's coming to chat me up. If I'm uninterested, I will pre-emptively cut him off. But in reality he's actually just trying to reach the bar (which I'm blocking). This situation ends up being mildly embarrassing and pretty funny, no harm done. Sometimes this can prove to be a tough situation though.

What if it's a co-worker? You've exchanged some flirtatious emails, and maybe he's asked you out casually with other friends. Should you assume he's into you? You can't send an email response saying "I like exchanging these emails that build my confidence and pass the time at work, but I'm not into you" unless he's actually made it clear he likes you like that. Another tricky situation is with randoms at bars. If a guy is chatting you up at a bar and you have a BF, at what point should you tell him you're currently attached? Maybe he's just talking with you to pass the time while his buddy is getting your friend's number. If you incorrectly assume he's wheeling you, you not only scare him off but you seem desperate and unapproachable. After all, who doesn't like a little friendly conversation?

I suggest that from here on guys make it extremely clear when they're into girls. Especially if you have another type of relationship - professional or on a friend level. Please put your egos aside and let us be clear on what your intentions are...then we will shoot you down.

Comfort Zone

What happens when a guy invites you to do something out of your comfort zone early in your relationship? Maybe he invites you to go surfing on a second date (assuming you live in Cali) or rock climbing on a third date. It's one thing if you're an avid sportswoman, or you spend your weekends outdoors, but when you're a 'downtown, let's grab a coffee' kind of girl, this can throw you off your game. It's very tricky getting ready for a snowboarding day-trip when you're used to the regular dinner and a movie.

I think it's really nice when men have unique ideas for dates, and if he invites me along on a trip outside of the city (even if it's only a day trip) I take that as a good sign and assume that he enjoys spending time with me.

My upcoming snowboarding trip makes me wish I was super athletic, or at least a trendy snowboarder or a regular exerciser with cute clothes. I am totally confident meeting someone for a drink at a lounge, or attending a football game, but I don't actually participate in sports very often! This weekend I will somehow need to ensure I look good, dress appropriately, appear to be coordinated, and remain upbeat even when I fall on my butt every three turns. The way I see it, this will definitely be a fun day, but it could also be a good test: it's easy to enjoy yourself when you're doing one of your regular, comfortable activities. The people who make you laugh while you're uncomfortable - those are the people you want to surround yourself with.

V-Day

Single people generally hate Valentine's Day. Surrounded by couples holding hands, exchanging sappy cards and cheap chocolates it's like having a sign pinned to your back exclaiming "I'm single!". When your cubicle neighbour receives a beautiful bouquet and the only thing you've received is a text from your dad wishing his "cute daughter a Happy Valentine's Day", it's tough not to be bitter.

I choose to look at Valentine's Day as an opportunity, rather than a sad day. It's a great excuse to ask out that guy in your class or someone you've been friendly with at the office. Maybe you've been chatting online with someone for a few weeks but no dates have materialized thus far. What single guy isn't looking for an easy answer to the question "what are you doing for Valentine's?"

A few years back I started a relationship this way. I was working part-time and one of our shifts landed on the big day. Rather than go home alone, I got take-out and watched a movie with a cute co-worker. I proposed the idea to him the week prior, with the context of neither of us having plans, and no one wants to be alone that night. We had a great time and ended up dating for several months after.

I'm not suggesting you ask someone out to an uber-romantic dinner, or expect the guy you're casually seeing to present you with a dozen roses and a blue box. I am merely reminding you to keep your options open and always see the silver lining!

Motor Mouth

I met a guy, we went out last week and we had a great time. I've told my friends about him and of course shared a few details with them. This makes me wonder if he's talking about me. Do boys ask "so any new girls on the scene?" as they are sitting around drinking beer and watching the hockey game? I realize it's probably not how they greet him when he shows up, but does it come up at all? Does he like me enough to say "I met a cool chick and I'm going to see her again next week"? I think I'm a cool enough girl that he should be excited to tell them about me. I guess it depends on a few things: his comfort level with the guys, how many other girls he's seeing and whether I'm on his mind when I'm not around.

The Writing's on the Wall

Some people are great writers. Even more people are great texters and emailers. The problem with this is that you can be tricked into really liking and getting close with someone without actually liking them in person.

Here's how it happens:

• You meet someone and begin an email exchange. This could be a person you met via online dating or at a bar, or even a colleague who you first contacted about a work-related matter.
• You email regularly, with the exchanges getting ever more flirtatious and personal. This is especially tricky when it comes to co-workers - where what began as work-related has now moved to discussing weekend stories and upcoming activities. Maybe the guy has by now casually invited you out for next week.
• You really hit it off with the person - at least via print. They seem funny, witty and there's always a ton to talk about. You begin looking forward to the person's daily emails and rely on them to pick you up during the day. You find yourself smiling when their name pops up in your inbox.
• The problem comes when you meet in person. Maybe you had already met and there was no spark. If it's an online relationship you may not have met yet, in which case there can be disappointment when the written chemistry fizzles out as you sit across from one another. If it's a co-worker, being in a meeting together can be a vastly different experience than what happens in your fantasy written world.
• You need to draw the line somewhere. If the guy is still emailing daily and asking you out, you can't continue to respond "as a friend", knowing that you've already written the relationship off. Just be prepared that you will find a hole in your day when it's 11am on Monday and you haven't heard from them.

Toothbrush SOS

It is too presumptuous to bring my toothbrush with me the first time I visit a guy's house? Yes yes I know it seems like a no-brainer question, but there is more to this question.

First of all, we've been out more than a couple of times, so he's far from random. Secondly, although he's never stayed over, he has been at my place until the wee hours, and I have considered inviting him to stay. Then there's the fact that regardless of who I'm visiting or where I am, it's crazy cold out, and who really feels like walking to the subway at 1am in mid-February?

I think I'll take it...but not tell him. If I get an invite to stay I'll conveniently have it with me, but if not I don't appear to be a crazy. Just when do things get to the point where it's accepted and understood you're going to stay over?

Wife Potential

What are guys really thinking about when they begin dating a girl? Are they looking at the state of her fridge, her dirty bedroom or her inability to cook as signs of her wife potential? Or are they blindly going along, only focusing on how good her butt looks in those jeans or how cute her smile is?

I have a friend who has banned me from mentioning my hatred of all things cooking-related because she thinks it's hurting my chances to get married. I'm not trying to snag a ring any time soon so I don't really care, but it has got me wondering: What are guys considering when they're spending time with you?

If I tell a new BF about spending $200 on a big night out, will they think I'm not fiscally responsible and therefore a poor choice for a partner? When I invite him over but do not offer dinner is he thinking I'll make a bad wife? Fine if these thoughts are bouncing around, as long as he's also considering all the amazing things I do manage to accomplish each day! I, personally, think those things make me a pretty spectacular choice.

Busy Schedule

I am involved in a lot of activities outside of work. In a regular week, I have one volunteer meeting, a business meeting for a start-up I'm working on, a yoga class or two, as well working late and meeting friends for drinks. This doesn't account for the book I'm working on and any extra volunteer commitments I have to spend time on or prepare for.

I choose to have a busy life and have almost always been that way. I think I perform best when my schedule is packed, and I'm really proud of how many activities I'm involved with and how full and varied my schedule in a given week can be.

I've realized that my preference is to date someone who is also involved in several activities. I know this also comes with a downside - it's very hard to find time to get together - but if you like each other enough you should be able to find some time to meet up. I would actually like a guy to tell me he's busy three days of the coming week because he has a hockey game, a board meeting and a guys' night out. That's music to my ears, since by Sunday my week is always almost fully booked. That said, this really is only good if he follows up by saying "I am free on Thursday, and would love to see you then."

I don't think this is too much to ask for - if I can find five things to be involved with, a guy should be able to find at least two.

Video Replay

When I was in gymnastics our coach would videotape us attempting new skills in order to show us what we were doing wrong. It's much easier to correct a tumbling line or bar dismount when you can see exactly where your mistake was, even if your coach has been telling you for the past 20 attempts.

I would like to use this technique on my dates, and would especially like to watch a video of myself on a first date. While I know it would be cringe-worthy, I could probably learn a lot about how to improve my game. Even without video replay I knew I was making some mistakes on a recent date.

Things to remember on a first date:

• Do not refer to your ex-boyfriend as your boyfriend. For example: "I went to Boston with my boyfriend.". While in your head you know that means "my boyfriend at the time", your date is not in your head.
• Do not obsess about being short and only dating short guys. While this is pretty accurate in my case, I probably could have stopped discussing the short waiter and the fact that he may like me because I'm short. Especially when my date isn't that tall himself. Yes, I might have a short complex, but he doesn't need to know that one hour into our date.
• Do not share the story of a creepy friend who repeatedly hits on you. While I'm sure there was a point at the start of the story, I realized mid-way through that I just sounded like I was bragging. Although I don't believe that a creepy hit-on is something to brag about, others might.
• Do not be overly self-deprecating. While everyone likes someone who can poke fun at themselves, I was even annoying myself when I got to the third or fourth negative story or comment about myself. When I entered the bar I felt cute, fun, sexy and smart, but somehow throughout the night I forgot to mention any of the things that make me feel that way.

At this point I just feel relieved that he decided to still talk to me the following day!

Beyotch

I'm watching Slice (as always) and there is a super b*tchy girl getting married. In a 10-minute span, she was extremely rude to her fiancée's friends and denied him hanging out with them, yelled at her fiancée and his parents, and tried to force her friends to buy bridesmaid dresses that were 3X the price they'd been quoted. Honestly, I cannot imagine why a guy would ever marry someone like this.

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe throughout their courtship she was cute and friendly, and that this demanding, controlling, difficult side came out during the wedding planning process. If that's the case though, who would want to commit to a life with someone like that? What happens the next time a stressful event is nearing? Or when she gets a bad review at work? Or if someone in the family falls ill? It's doubtful that she'd handle those things with compassion and kindness after what she's displayed here.

This girl is pretty, but definitely not so attractive that her looks even come close to making up for her terrible personality. I wonder if this guy finally saw what his friends and family must have seen all along when he watched this episode (post-wedding). Unfortunately for him by that point he would have been well into his first year of wedding "bliss".

Mixing Success!

I hosted my first singles mixer on Friday night, and I'm happy to say it was a success! Thank you to everyone who came out, and especially to those of you who invited friends! I'm not sure how many love connections were made, but there was definite flirting, chatting and excitement throughout the night. I received several follow-up messages since the event, asking about "that tall guy" or "that cute girl" so I'll do my best to re-unite the interested singles.

I'm really excited about hosting some future events, but here is what I've learned to make things better going forward:

• There were a lot of tables and chairs at the venue, which lead to people sitting in one spot, rather than moving around meeting new people. I think sitting is fine (2-3 hours of standing is a lot after all) but it meant that you were stuck speaking with whoever sat down beside you.
• Next time I'd have some free drinks available. While it was nice that there was limited sloppiness, free-flowing alcohol would have loosened people up more.
• While I was worried that people would stick with their friends and be hesitant to mingle, I was (thankfully) proven wrong. For the most part, people spoke with whoever was nearby, and clearly came out with the intention of meeting new people. I hope this resulted in new friendships, if not love connections.

Next up: sports-themed events...think curling, Jays games, pool. For those of you who are less athletically-inclined, don't fret - these will all be sports where beer is the main focus!

Eager Beaver

I spot a guy at a party who is attractive and who seems to be confident, fun and outgoing. We start talking and he seems interested in me. I'm enjoying myself; it's nice speaking with someone who seems to listen to what I'm saying and who is giving off good vibes.

Another ten minutes pass and I can tell he's totally hooked. He's trying too hard to make things work by asking very personal, prying questions, and he seems to be laughing at basically everything I say. I even begin testing him - I purposely argue with some of his points or I stop hiding my boredom, but he just seems to be more enthralled. It gets to the point where I'm struggling not to roll my eyes at what he says, and I must literally place my hands on his chest to ensure he keeps his distance from me.

Despite this, he asks when I'm free this week, and tells me he'll be available anytime I am! I haven't quite written him off, but this area of the bar is really beginning to reek of desperation.

Although it's lovely when someone is interested in you, eagerness is a whole different ball game. A guy who is too eager for a date seems desperate, and it's as if he'd be willing to settle for anyone - which means you're no longer special. What started as a promising exchange ends up being a rejection (by me) that leaves me glancing over my shoulder for the rest of the evening.

Me and the Boys

After a lot of analyzing, multiple instructions and hours of contemplating, I went on my trip with the boys. Seven of them. And it was great. I did my best to follow my friends' suggestions in order to be a cool (or chill) girl while hanging out with a group of guys. Mostly I just did what I usually do, which is basically to drink and have fun, but it was still nice to have the notes to refer back to!

I think it was a successful venture, and here's why:

• No plans were altered because I was there (no one seemed overly concerned when I went to bed while they gambled the night away!)
• I kept up with them, whether drinking, eating unhealthy meals, walking in the cold or shopping (especially shopping).
• OK there was one place where I didn't even come close to keeping up - the craps table. But I am a cute dice-roller and I enjoy bopping beside the table when I get bored.
• I felt comfortable enough with all the guys that I could be sitting beside anyone and have a fun time.
• While I did my best to get ready quickly and be easy-going about our plans, I still managed to feel cute and stylish when we went out (ie. I was still a girl).
• I didn't hit on anyone, suggest a late night rendez-vous or uncomfortably share a bed.

I do have to say that these were some of the coolest, most fun, respectful guys I've ever hung out with, so they deserve some credit for making my job easy. I just hope they agree with my self-assessment!

One of the Guys Part II

This is a guest blog by a close male friend of mine. I asked him for his advice on how I could ensure I'm a cool girl the next time I hang out with the guys. He had some great advice - read on!

So, as a guy, when deciding whether or not a girl is welcome out with the boys (cool enough to hang? So 90’s…), I think most people work off of some variation of the chill scale. Here’s a quick idea of what the scale should look like:

Mad Chill = Always welcome out with the boys, no questions asked

Chill = Depending on where we’re going and with whom, she might be welcomed

Not Chill = Why are we even discussing her? I thought the question was what makes a chick “chill” not Straight Up Beeyatches for 500

Okay, so we’re good with the scale, right? Okay, great. Next, guys are genetically similar to dogs. It’s a proven fact. We’re pack animals with our own sets of social rules and a special emphasis on the importance of food, drink, sleep and, well, other more base pursuits. Yes, more base than food, drink, and sleep. Please use your imagination. We do have alpha males, and although some of us might be wolves, and other might be Chihuahuas, we’re all part of the pack…. At the end of the day, it always breaks down to something like this: either you’re part of the pack, or you‘re on your own; there’s not really a lot of middle ground to be discovered in this theory.

As a pack, its important to have rules to keep people in line. Here are the rules, in my estimation, as they apply to chicks who want to run with the pack.

Judge Not, Lest She Shall be Judged (to not be Chill)

When you’re out with the guys, you are likely not going to be in control of the itinerary (read: you won’t get to decide where we go and when). Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to tag along, or even be extremely excited about where we’re going. Feeling this way is forgivable and we can work through it, however, faked enthusiasm will earn you full points. And really, who knows, it might end up being more fun than it sounds. The cardinal sin here is spending a half an hour on your soapbox pointing out how stupid, nonsensical, flawed or boring the plan sounds. If the guys don’t already know this about the plan, it isn’t going to make them happier to hear it from you. The best thing you can do is take off your thinking cap, suck it up and join the group. There’ll be more than enough time to decide it was a bad (or great) idea the next morning. J (Special exceptions to be made for things that are illegal, immoral, or both with a high likelihood of being caught. For example, if the boys decide they’re all going to the rub and tug for happy endings, it might be okay to point out that this you are still a girl and that this idea doesn’t really work all that well for you. Any group of guys that overlooks this likely needs a reminder or a bop on the collective nose with a newspaper.)

Burgers For the Boys!

Remember when I said that food and drink held a special importance in the realm of male? Yeah, well, they do. Everyone definitely has their own favourite food or preferred place to eat, but males are quickly and easily able to compromise and agree upon the lowest common denominator (in this case, somewhere we can all bear to eat). In my experience, this might be anything, but it’s often meat with stuff on top of it between slices of bread (yup, submarine or burger, but Tacos could work in a pinch). With such a beautiful system in place, no guy wants the unexpected hiccup of pickiness, prissiness, or vegetarianism (we do care, just not enough to let it ruin the system). The truly Chill chick will sit down, “man” up, and deal with whatever the pack has decided is the best option. I once had a friend (no longer a friend) who truly didn’t get this. She was experimenting in being a vegetarian, and it led to the following things:

Long drives looking for places to eat

More sushi and salad than any reasonable man could take (and I LOVE sushi)

The realization that this wasn’t fun and friends can be replaced

A truly Chill girl eating out with the boys will consume just about anything, do a little better than that on the drinking front, not mention how this will make her so fat, and definitely not spend the entire meal complaining about how nothing is the way she wants it to be. Social eating etiquette 101 - go ask a dog about it. If you can master eating with the pack, you’re well on your way to being Chill.

Welcome to the Beach! Try not to act like sand…

If a group of guys welcomes you out with them to a magical place where they possibility exists for, ummm, night’s end “smushing”, this means that you’re more to them than just sand at the beach. With this in mind, the Chill chick wouldn’t dream of trivializing or jeopardizing this with any show of jealousy or negativity. Look at it this way, if you were really the right catch for any of the “him”s, why would he have gone back out fish? With this in your pocket, you’re free and open to be objective and impartial, offering valuable advice and tips (“oooh, she’s cute” OR “Yikes, its grenade central at 3 o’clock… recalibrate for 70 degrees northwest, there’s a drunk nest of slutty, low maintenance chicks”).

To close, the consummate Chill chick is not just a girl out with the guys, but a second viewpoint, an instruction manual, a cheat sheet and worth more than any single bar conquest. Chicks on the scene cum and go (or not), but chicks that are Mad Chill are welcomed into the pack as an equal. Have your fun, hunt your own wolves (or dogs, but hopefully not Chihuahuas) and know how awesome it can be if you only embrace your place in the amazing social world of… the pack.

One of the Guys Part III

I've almost exhausted this topic, but not quite. Since I asked so many people for advice on being a cool girl while partying with guys, I thought I'd share what one male friend had to say. Note the emphasis on the first two points.

§ Be funny

§ Be hot

§ Wear jeans, but dress well – dress better than the guys you hang out with

§ Dress for the occasion – look good but don’t over-dress (don’t wear 4 inch heels to a wings night)

§ Be down for doing “guy stuff”

§ Be assertive – don’t be afraid to suggest an activity

§ Don’t be afraid to go home or not join in on an activity (rather than complain)

So let me get this straight...I just need to...actually this is pretty clear. I think I know what I need to work on.

One of the Guys

How does a girl hang out with a group of guys and be cool, not wreck their night out, and maintain some element of girliness? This is the question that's been plaguing me (and everyone I know, thanks to me) for weeks.

I often find myself in the lucky situation where I'm the only girl out for a night on the town - no complaints here as it's usually with a group of fun, cute, platonic male friends. Some of my best nights have been when I've crashed guys' night out. I can drink with them, eat junk food like them and I love watching sports, which usually covers off the activities in a night out.

The biggest challenge is to be one of the guys while maintaining some semblance of femininity and hotness. Although I've never sought out feedback on my success with this, I think I do a pretty good job of being one of the guys.

In my opinion, the most important thing is getting ready quickly. Although this sounds like a small thing, this is especially important when it's an out-of-town adventure. The last thing I want is for five guys to be hanging out in the hotel lobby waiting for me to curl my hair, fuming because if it weren't for me they'd be on their second beer by now.

It's also important to 'be down for whatever'. Guys don't usually have a full plan for the night ahead, but I've come to realize that this randomness often makes for the best nights.

Finally, I try my best to avoid jealousy at all costs. After all I know we're just friends. When the guys are hitting on girls, I turn my attention to the other men in the room. Or I have been known to provide my two cents on the girls' outfits when asked.

It is always nice to get some male attention, so I do try my best to look good when choosing my outfits. After all I don't want to be mistaken for one of the guys!

I have enlisted the help of several friends as I tackle this question - watch for more to come on this topic!

Last-Minute Ditch

This is a bit long and rambling but totally worth it. Just when I was thinking there were so many great guys out there, one slipped up and showed his true colours!

On Saturday night I had plans to go for dinner with a random that I had met about a month ago. While I don't normally give out my number to semi-strangers, we had danced it up at a bar and he seemed like a nice guy (and I was just a bit tipsy) so I handed out my digits. The one 'date' we'd had so far was when the supposed gentleman drove me to the airport for my flight home at Christmas. Nice guy, right?

So early last week we made plans for our second date (first real date). Dinner on Saturday night. He called me Saturday afternoon to confirm our plans for around 7pm, when he was to pick me up. I didn't hear anything more from him and assuming he's a typical guy - "Hey, I'm heading out to get you, be ready in 10" - I get ready so as to avoid seeming like a high maintenance girl who isn't ready on time.

Apparently I was the only considerate one that night: I literally just get my dress on and he texts and says "Hey not feeling so good, going to pass tonight sorry". Three things about this annoy me:

1. He didn't have the decency to call me, even though all of our past communication had been on the phone
2. He sent the message at the time he was supposed to pick me up!
3. He made it sound like it's a perfectly valid reason to stand me up - "I'm going to pass?!". We're not talking about a 50-person party where his absence wouldn't be noticed!

I wasn't even upset - just flabbergasted. I think my jaw literally dropped. Since I wasn't that into him, rather than being upset I've spent the past few days thinking of reasons that he would bail. He obviously wasn't sick - no one gets that sick in a span of four hours! I'm thinking another girl he's dating entered the picture for the night or maybe an ex called him up. He may have realized that I was too cute and fun and young for him, and why even waste my time with a date? Yep...that's probably it.

I just wish I remembered his last name so I could warn girls everywhere...

Blanket Statement

Blankets can work wonders on stay-at-home dates. I am not sure what it is about a blanket, but being cozy beneath one just seems to invite snuggles and hand-holding.

Those early, nervous, let's-watch-a-movie dates are always awkward. And when you want to make a move but are unsure how the other person feels, it is a daunting task, no matter what your track record.

The fastest way to alleviate any awkwardness as well as actual physical distance between the two of you is to pull that blanket off the shelf and throw it over yourself. This will undoubtedly lead to the guy moving closer to "share the blanket". If he has any interest in you at all, he will want to share the blanket; even if he's not the slightest bit cold. It could be +35 inside and he would ask to share. Once you're sharing the blanket, it's almost as if you have to snuggle - it would be wrong to do anything else.

So guys - take note - when a girl asks for a blanket, she is cold but she`s probably also hoping to close the two foot gap between you.