Ex Doesn't Equal Friend

What's the verdict on being friends with an ex? It seems like a conversation for the ages, and I've heard opinions on it from almost everyone I know. When I was younger I managed to remain friends with a lot of exes, thanks mostly to a) I was pretty well over it and probably the one who broke it off or b) I'd already begun dating someone else who, at the time, seemed to be hotter and more fun or c) I still enjoyed the time I spent with them and didn't want them out of my life.
In later years, as the typical bad-boy type entered my life, I tried to stay friends but it was a totally unhealthy situation. I obviously still liked them, even though I wouldn't admit it (like I was fooling so many people) and every few outings would end with me in tears wondering (sometimes to myself, or on the more unfortunate nights, aloud to them) what was so wrong with me that they didn't want to still date me. I'm shuddering at the memories.
So, now that I'm older and wiser (?) I really don't know if it's possible. When I think of it objectively, I have one ex (of many) who I'm friends with. Legitimate, good-natured, I really want the best for him, but don't want him, friends. We broke up about 7 years ago, and now live in different cities. We grab a beer most times I'm in town, and catch up through email every month or two. Friends. Other than that, I've cut most exes out of my life. There was too much jealousy, sadness, or uncertainty, that was just getting in the way of my life. My final thoughts on the matter are that you can't always hope to be friends, and it's actually the rarity that it works out. In many cases you never should have been friends to begin with, and those people are meant to stay as exes.

Big Steps

I've had brief, semi-serious conversations with my BF about moving in together. I don't think it will happen anytime soon, if at all, but the conversations are starting nonetheless. To be honest, the thought scares me more than a bit, and although I love spending time with him, I have never really pictured myself living with someone. I think there's this belief that all girls spend the time between 5 yrs old and 25 yrs old planning their weddings, the number of offspring they'll produce, and complete details of the ideal romance. That's so not me (and I'm sure it's not a lot of you either). In fact, I totally cannot picture myself walking down the aisle, wedding dress shopping, or even moving a BFs stuff into my/a new apartment.
I've spent time considering this fact before, and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of it is probably a result of having a mom who's not very 'girly'. This by no means is a bad thing, we just didn't spend a lot of time gushing about things like hair-dos, designer wedding gowns, or the perfect romance. I'm really happy that wasn't a big part of my childhood - I've had my entire young-adult life to worry about those things, and I'm sure another many years to stress over it.
I guess for now I need to realize that one day, I might be the girl on Facebook who announces she's moving in with a BF or *gasp* even getting married. To be clear...by one day I mean approx 10 years down the road...

Damn Technology

Obviously dating in this 'day and age' is a lot different than it was 10, or even 5, years ago. People rely so much more on texting, email, online dating, BBM, Facebook...the list goes on. In today's world, very rarely do I have phone conversations with anyone, aside from my family, and even then I am more likely to send them an email than dial the phone.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.

Fighting

Some couples fight more than others - we all have friends who seem to read each others' minds and have few, or basically no, conflicts. Then there are the friends who seem to disagree on everything - this can range from nagging, frustrated comments to full-fledged screaming arguments.
In some cases this may be because the people are from a way different up-bringing or background, and their belief systems are just to different. Or maybe one or both people are naturally more dramatic or passionate, building small issues into great ones.
Whichever the reason, there has to be a point where you ask yourself if all the fighting is worth it. If every second thing your BF says or does annoys or frustrates you, he may not be the right guy for you. A good test is to ask yourself if you'd be friends with him, if you weren't actually dating - most of us don't deal with friends who annoy us every few hours, but for some reason we don't just put up with it with boyfriends, we take every opportunity to point these things out, and fight about them! Passion in a relationship is good, but crying isn't...you have to draw the line somewhere.

For Real Relationship

I think I've really grown up in the relationship department (yes, it's about time...). I remember the days (OK it was last year) where I'd purposely talk about a close guy friend to my BF/date-of-the moment, making ambiguous comments in order to make him jealous. Or when I'd make plans and go out, ignoring when my guy du jour called...hoping he'd be a bit worried.
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...

Your Own Worst Enemy #1

Girls are so hard on themselves, it perplexes me sometimes. I mean this first of all in a general way, but specific to today's 'lesson', I'm referring to working out/losing weight/being healthy.
I can't speak for all men, but I really can't imagine a guy talking negatively to himself 10 minutes after consuming a bag of chips, tearing up because he is going to look bad at the beach the next weekend. Sometimes work-outs have to be skipped (it is summer and patio season after all)...but enjoy the night off, rather than feeling guilty like you're playing hookey from the gym.
I'm all for self-control (usually) and maintaining a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle, but seriously girls, cut yourselves some slack! Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on the areas you don't like, pick out a few things that you know really rock - be it your lips, butt, or toes. Work out twice this week instead of 4 times - it won't throw everything off and you'll probably be more excited to get back into the gym the next time. This is a great time in life - we're young, healthy, and I'm pretty sure will look back on this time in years to come, wishing we were back in this shape!

Single and Proud of It...Most of the Time

I honestly think that 75% of my Facebook news feeds are taken up by announcements of engagements, upcoming wedding socials (aka Stag and Doe if you're from ON) and dress fittings. I suppose this is a lot better than sad announcements of divorce and break-ups, but after a while I start to wonder if people celebrate anything else any more.
I don't like to consider myself a bitter aging girl...but at times I feel like it. Have I finally hit that point in my life where the only question people will ask me upon return trips to Winnipeg is 'So when are you getting engaged?' or 'Let me see your finger'? I am proud of the life that I have built for myself in a new city - and my Facebook updates celebrate birthdays, condo purchases and job promotions. But it's a far way in the future that it will announce an engagement. So far that Facebook will be on it's 35th model with an even more confusing layout and the computers will read our minds so we don't have to use our fingers...OK I digress...but you get my point.
Although being single is the right thing for me now, my biggest worry is that this difference will separate my married/engaged friends and I even further than our physical distance across Canada has.

Getting Organized

It's funny how much better and 'together' you can feel after a bit of organizing. Within the last few months I have got a new laptop and Smartphone, and with them, I made an effort to set everything up just as I want it. On top of this, I've cleared out old emails from all my email accounts, and re-organized the folders on my computers, and cleaned my desk at work.
I know this makes me sound really anal (which I kind of am...) but I find when the things in my life are clean and updated, I feel happier, more organized, and in control of all things Danielle. For me, it only takes a few of things to get out of hand, and life starts to feel like it's running away from me. If you feel like things are spiralling out of control lately, take an hour or two to re-organize the things you use regularly, and you will be ready to face the world again.

Service with a Smile

It's amazing what a friendly, helpful customer service person can do to make your day. I just called to cancel a phone service, and I was prepared to defend my choices to the end. However, the girl on the other end of the phone listened to what I was saying, offered me a few suggestions, and then told me how she could make my switch easier. She suggested an alternative hadn't even thought of, still allowing me to switch to the competition!! I'm amazed - I think so many times, in companies big and small, customer service gets majorly overlooked. It was probably just this girl's personality, and I lucked out that I got her instead of some 10 year vet at the end of an 8 hour shift. Still, I'm now leaving this company with a happy feeling and would consider returning to them in the future. Think about if you were running the show - wouldn't you put a bit more effort into the front line if you knew how much you could change people's views of your company or product?
Oh and if anyone knows how you can leave comments for the 'higher ups' at Bell Mobility let me know - this girl deserves a shout out.

Comments!

Please keep the comments coming (agree or argue with me!)...I love to hear from you and really value your opinion! Plus, the other readers probably appreciate hearing from someone other than myself every once in a while!
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Since When...

Since when is it OK for a girl to treat her BF like garbage? True, sometimes guys deserve cruel treatment, if they've been especially dirty dogs perhaps, but on a regular basis girls seem to totally act out of line. Think about a time you've got mad or upset with your BF - would you have treated a close girlfriend, or any acquaintance for that matter, the same way?? I'm not saying suppress your feelings, or don't be upset, but I am talking about totally rude, frustrated, borderline-abusive behaviour.
Last night, while waiting for my hero Gwen Stefani to come on stage at the No Doubt concert, I watched a young couple in front of me 'work through some issues'. The girl came back to her seat after a presumably teary bathroom break, stomping and pouting. When her and her BF had to move seats she tripped over a girl (the seats were tiiiight) and was so frustrated/upset I could see that she really wanted to smack her BF (and perhaps would have if they'd been alone). I have no idea what she was so upset about, but her BF took the abuse and by 'I'm Just a Girl' they were holding hands (I love that song BTW).
I like to think she caught him making out with someone while she was in line to get a Sprite, but in reality what probably happened was he put his foot in his mouth or didn't say EXACTLY what she wanted to hear. Next time a guy does that, try to cut him a bit of slack, or at least don't completely lose your cool. The frustration was so not attractive on her and she for sure ruined a really fun night. Plus, you cannot tell me that for at least a minute he didn't question why he was dating her.

He's Just Not That Into You..Kinda

I think the movie/book He's Just Not That Into You was ground-breaking. Women everywhere nodded their heads in agreement, and blushed a bit, when they recognized themselves in one of the hopeless scenarios. Sometimes I think we've gone a bit TOO far with this concept though. Now if a guy calls 20 minutes late, we're immediately believing that he's not into us. Or when big life changes are ahead - say your BF is thinking of moving away and is unsure whether to ask you to join - you assume it's only because he's not into you.
Gone are the days of thinking things through logically - perhaps he got held up in a meeting, or maybe he's not for sure what his plan is and wants to think things through a bit longer before asking you to uproot your life. I am very happy that women have stopped making excuses for deadbeat guys that really aren't into them, but cut guys, and yourselves, a bit of slack!

Welcome to T-dot

A friend of a friend (so a new friend of mine) is moving to Toronto this weekend, and I've offered to help her get settled in the city, introduce her to some friends, and basically try to make the transition as painless as possible. She reminds me a lot of me when I moved here almost 3 years ago, so I guess I want to help her avoid some of the bad things I encountered, while experiencing the same good things I did.
My first goal is to ensure she has lots to do, on this, her first weekend in the city (and first weekend before starting her new job). When I moved here I stayed with a friend, who was great at introducing me to his friends, taking me out, and putting in a full effort to making me feel welcome. The second thing is learning the ropes, and getting through the day-to-day deets of a new city. When I moved here, my friend's (and my temporary) roomie took me on a tour of the city, to teach me how to get to work, where the good shopping, stores, and practical necessities were. So I'm going to be that person for my new friend. What girl doesn't need to learn the closest Shopper's, prime indoor and outdoor shopping, fun patios, and safe areas for a walk/run?
I think it's important to pay it forward, as the movie taught us (well I didn't actually ever see that movie but I imagine that was the point). If I hadn't had the great support of a few key people when I first moved here, I may very well have returned home one month later. Who really knows for sure, but what I do know is that I avoided sobbing into my pillow, late-night hysterical phone calls to my parents, and any sort of regrets, mainly due to those people.

Get Over It

There's a new girlie book on the market - it's called The Happy Baker and is a cross between chic-lit and cookbook. It looks pretty cool, is available at Indigo/Chapters, and the author has a great site! www.thehappybakerchick.com From what I gather, the author's main pretense is that she bakes to get over bad relationships, hard break-ups and just life in general.
That got me thinking about what I use to get over hard times - of course we need help not only recovering from break-ups or bad times with bad guys (that's just most of the time...), but also hard times with friends, family issues, and an increasingly stressful work life.
A personal favourite of mine is throwing on a comfy, over sized hoody, pulling up the hood, and cuddling up under a blanket. I'm not sure what it is about the hoody, but it's comforting. Some people exercise, some like to go partying (although not always advisable - I think most of us have had a post-breakup night out that ended in crying and drunk dialing). Whatever it is, having a ritual to help yourself overcome a tough time can be really helpful in speeding up the recovery process and easing your pain. I think eventually it becomes a Pavlov's dog-type response - I put the hoody on, and I'm immediately calmed.

Sabotage

Sometimes we sabotage the good things in our lives. I assume we do it, even subconsciously, for a thrill or to add some excitement to our lives. After all, who doesn't love and crave, a bit of drama?
It's really unhealthy though - and I can speak from experience. After a particularly low-key, boring night with an ex, I proceeded to totally over-analyze every aspect of our relationship, questioning why I was with him and if I was happy, and wondering whether my life would be better without him. In turn, I became snappy and pouty with him, focusing on all the negatives and completely ignoring the nice things he'd done for me that day, and that year. This of course made him confused and distant with me.
I totally sabotaged something that was going well...really for no reason at all. I'm not saying you should ignore those thoughts when they come up - it's important to give some thought to how things in life are going, your goals, etc...but to basically start a fight for no reason...that's so not cool. At least I got the drama I was so craving - a big fight and a broken heart.

Beer

Beer is the devil for me. I love love love sitting on a patio, having a couple drinks with friends, but I really need to steer clear of beer. I don't know if any other girls have the same reaction to beer as I do, but let me sum it up for you:

• My stomach appears to be so bloated that I could pass for a girl in my 2nd trimester
• My nose turns red and my eyes definitely have a bit of a drunko look
• Inside, my stomach is doing flip flops as it tries to find relief from so much carbonation and other garbage (plus there is usually a pound of fries involved also)
• About half an hour after drinking, even only 1 beer, I get lazy, tired and super emotional - like I need help with any of those

During the last week I tried to avoid drinking and ate a bit healthier - it really helped how I was feeling (surprising though how often I had to 'refuse' drinks...way too big a part of my life). Yesterday I repeated my old habits and that was enough to convince me to take a break for a while. Just wanted to share.

Totally Unreasonable

Sometimes I am so completely unreasonable I can't even believe it myself...it feels like watching yourself, like an out-of-body experience, saying 'no, NO, stop!' but you don't listen. Today I had a semi-breakdown getting a coffee - I spilled the drink twice, one time burning my hand and another time injuring my purse and sweater. This after having several morning sneezing fits and madly packing for a weekend trip to Montreal. Still though - the coffee spills did not warrant teary eyes and a pouty lip. Why can't I have more control? Yes, today is totally a day that I wish I could crawl back into bed. It's been a really rough week and I just feel like hiding from the world this morning...but obviously I'm not going to do that, so I have to buck up (that's a Grandma word eh?) and face things head on.
It's the overreacting, emotional stuff that I get so frustrated with. I guess once in a while it's allowed, and even expected, but 1-2 times a week, probably not so much. I often wonder how long a guy can put up with sporadic, completely unpredictable appearances of tears...guess we can consider that my new experiment of life.

Walk Tall

When you're walking down the street try walking slower and straighter. Often we are in a rush, get caught up thinking about where we're going, or struggle carrying heavy bags. Take an extra few minutes on your walk to the subway, and walk tall and confidently. I promise that you'll look and feel cooler and calmer, and others around you will notice too.

Give Give Give

Too many relationships are unequal - and unfortunately more often than not, the scale of 'effort and caring' is tipped heavily in the female's direction. I myself have been in many relationships where I give give give all the time, and get nothing but heartache and insecurity back. Make sure that your current/next partner gives back just as much as you give to him. I don't think this is always (or even often) in the form of quantitative objects, but also in terms of caring, loving and snuggles. If someone is going through a tough time, of course you want to be there for them, but ensure that they are someone who will be there for you in a tough time, no questions asked.