First Date

Over the years I've developed some expectations for first dates. I don't care how much the guy spends, or even if he pays. I'm not concerned with where you go or what you do, just do something. Of course we all love staying in for some snugs, but you need to go out early on in the relationship, and here's why:

• He should put in some effort by suggesting a location for dinner, a fun activity, or offering to pick you up or meet you somewhere that is convenient to you.
• Give him a chance to 'own' the date. Girls spend so much of their relationships taking control of the plans, decorating, cooking, friends. Let him take charge and impress!
• Delay the physical for as long as possible. We all know how tempting it is to move from sitting beside each other to lying beside each other to kissing to naked. The transition to naked is a lot less likely to happen at a restaurant or mini golf course.
• You can look great and put more effort in. Sweats, chips and messy hair are fun and comfortable, but if the relationship is a keeper, you'll have decades for that. Enjoy the initial excitement and energy you have in the early stages and look as fabulous as you can.

The Basement

I dated a guy who, when I'm honest with myself, was ashamed of me. The pathetic part is that I was nothing to be ashamed of, and the saddest part was that I actually put up with it. From date number one, he told me that his parents would never approve of me, because we were from different cultures. I had never considered this being a factor in my dating life, growing up in a very accepting household with parents of different faiths and backgrounds, and I suppose I underestimated the effects of parental disapproval and what some may consider racism. I completely understand why parents hope that their children will grow up to love another of the same background. However, living in Canada, we should be, and usually are proud and accepting of the multiple cultures that are represented in our neighbourhoods.
All I wanted was to be accepted and welcomed into the family (how things change as you get older!) and I would have done anything for his family's approval. Early in our relationship, on a particularly frustrating visit to the basement, I pointed out that to his parents (and to him?) I was as well-liked as a good student, busy volunteer and nice girl as I would have been as a drug addicted prostitute (seriously, I said this). He could do nothing but agree with me on this point.
When I think about it, if he had really been that into me, he would have put up more of a fight, rather than only inviting me over when his parents were out, or basically hiding me in the basement when they were around.

The Rule

The longer you wait to sleep with someone, the more sure you can be that he's into you. We all know this - I've read it in more books than I can count, heard the speech from more responsible friends, and observed the results of anxious behaviour in my less-responsible friends. As annoying and frustrating as this 'rule' can be, it's totally true. There are obviously the exceptions to the 'rule', but there are several situations, not to be discussed now, that I have witnessed that prove this point.
Girls really do tend to get attached after sex, and guys usually just get what they want. I think somewhere along the way, women's lib took a wrong turn, making girls think it is OK to 'use' guys for sex. I have witnessed very few times when this really works, even though girls have spent hours trying to convince me it is the case. Proof in point - if it did work, why are you spending two hours the next day telling me how happy you are that you're just sleeping together and not in a relationship? If you really were happy, you'd be skipping along, enjoying the memories of last night's activities while moving forward with your life.
Just remember when you start dating someone - waiting for 5 or 6 dates before sleeping together is not a big feat, it should be the norm. It seems that today, girls are proud, or feel almost prudish, when they wait a few weeks to hook up. It's crazy to think that we give this up soooo easily!

Texterrific

Texting is a great way to get to know someone, especially when you first meet them or begin dating. Too often a few cute texts here and there turn into non-stop daily texts. This sounds like it should be a positive, but the longer and more intense the text relationship gets, the less chance that it will move forward. Instead of the texts being about innocent flirting and getting comfortable with a future date, they become the focus of the relationship. It's too difficult, or perhaps the guy just loses interest in talking on the phone or hanging out in person.
Have you ever considered that the guy might be texting you while he's out with another girl? Or sending the text to multiple girls at once? Maybe he's just excited that he's able to flirt and build up his confidence without any further commitment. I think that most often though, guys are just keeping their line in the water, trying to keep their chances open with as many girls as possible.
Be honest if you find yourself in a all text, no talk/hang out/face time relationship. Whatever reason they're giving you for a lack of face time is probably a cover.

Put Yourself First

Some people I know are extra considerate of others, which obviously makes them great people, actually closer to Saints. I'm sure their lives are much better in the long run because they have good friends, caring families and are highly regarded, but I've witnessed times when they give up too many things in the interest of others. Sometimes though, you really just have to say "yes, I want to do that, thanks" and get on with it.
My mom is a great example of this - last time she came to visit there was a well-known speaker doing an event at a local Indigo store (Indigo and Chapters stores hold great events...just an FYI). I suggested we stay to watch, but of course my mom, being the generous, considerate and slightly stubborn woman she is, said she didn't mind missing it since I had an exam to study for that day. It was true, I was studying at the time, but an extra hour would not have made the difference on my exam score. We went back and forth on it a bit, and ultimately she won (as she always does). To this day I think she regrets a little bit that we didn't stay, and I definitely have a lot of regret that I didn't push harder for her to make a 'me me me' choice.
I see it all the time - people don't want to hold others up in line so they don't ask that extra question or ensure they received the right change. Some people are too nervous to complain about food at a restaurant, so they suffer through a meal they aren't enjoying and pay the full price. I have a lot of family and friends who fall into this over-considerate category, and I love them because they're wonderful, caring people. But it's important to have a balance in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "my choice is _____".
I'm on it for the next time my mom visits - I'm going to force her to make some selfish choices. After all, it's the least I can do since the majority of her visit is spent cooking, cleaning and shopping for me!

Insanity

Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. If you believe he's correct, I am insane. I don't even want to think about all the times I have drank too much and started a fight or argument with someone close to me. I shudder thinking back on so many bad nights and usually try to block those memories out. My drunken frustration has been directed towards a friend or family member a few times, but more often than not it's my BF who gets the negative effects of too many gin & waters. Not only do I wake up feeling physically sick from too much alcohol, but the guilt and embarrassment I feel has a much worse and lasting impact.
I continually ruin great nights or events because too much alcohol is involved, which leads to my inner most thoughts, worries and concerns being shared with people who should probably never hear them, let alone at a bar. Worst of all, because I'm not clear-headed, I am surprised when a BF doesn't want to deal with my shenanigans.
When I'm honest with myself I realize how many relationships have been harmed beyond repair because of the drinks + big night out combination. Maybe I should stop repeatedly doing the same thing if I ever want to see a different outcome.
*Don't worry - nothing serious happened this weekend and I am still in a relationship!

Mama's Boy

How close should a guy be with his mother? I don't want someone who hates his family or only speaks to his parents on holidays, but I don't want to be the second woman in my guy's life forever. An ex of mine was creepily close with his mom. He complimented her on her clothes without even taking a 2-second look at me (the nerve!) and talked about qualities he looked for in a woman, because they were traits shared by his mom. Believe it or not, he even told me that his affinity for large busts was because his mom was big chested. Ew. Not only is that pretty gross but since when does a guy need to explain their desire for a Double-D girl??
I know a lot of great guys who have healthy relationships with their mothers, my brother being one of them. Closeness between a guy and his mom is a great thing, but there are a lot of great women out there who I'm already competing with, I'm not looking to add another to the list.

He's The One

Girls are always wondering if a guy is 'The One'. This pressure is escalated by countless attached women claiming they 'just knew' on their first date or within a certain (short) time-frame. The few times I thought I could foresee a future with someone, I was super off the mark. In one situation, I went out with a guy two times, felt like we had a great connection and it was someone I could really see myself with. About a month later I realized he was totally leading me on and not really that interested. It had become (or always was) a text-only relationship. Another guy I dated seemed to have all the qualities I wanted in someone, looked great on paper, until I learned that he had a few additional qualities I didn't want (a brutally snobby attitude...).
I'm not that stressed about knowing whether someone is the right person for me - based on my luck so far, it's probably a good thing if I'm unsure at this point!

Put Together

I always feel like I'm not quite put-together. When I wear a great outfit, I seem to be missing something, like a great belt or the right bra. When I dress up for a fancy event, I picture exactly how I want my outfit to look, but in reality I have a few extra bulges or the top doesn't fit quite as well as I'd hoped.
I recently went to two weddings, both at which I felt like an amateur compared to the other girls. At the first wedding, my dress went a bit too low for my strapless bra, which of course was a very bright white. I couldn't get comfortable as I had to continually peek down and ensure I was covered up. I assumed that the second wedding was going to be ultra casual since it was at a restaurant. Of course I was wrong and I spent the afternoon feeling grateful I did decide to wear a dress instead of a more relaxed outfit. However I wore tights which really dressed the outfit down, and they were a bit scrubby looking after wearing them all last winter. Also, I noticed in the bright lights of the restaurant that my shoes were scuffed. Great.
When I look around at these events, the other girls & women seem to be so put-together. Their accessories match their shoes which match their purses, their nails are expertly done and they have fresh-from-the-salon hair. And I'm not talking about some high society event - these are just ordinary women like me!
I'm trying to focus on pulling my look together from now on. I know life isn't all about looks and shallow things like great hair, but it also is not about feeling self-conscious and unhappy. I will get up earlier in the morning to blow dry my hair, and I will spend an hour a week to do my nails. I hate feeling uneasy about my looks, whether at work or in a social setting, I find that just doing a quick job on my nails or ensuring I wear the right earrings has helped tremendously already.

White Pants

An ex of mine had a girl roommate who he claimed he was only friends with. She was always really nice to me, and I am pretty positive there was nothing more between them. One night I went over to his place and his female roomie was wearing white, semi-translucent cargo pants (I know, sounds bad but at the time they were pretty cool), which were especially fitted in the butt. They looked good - I will give her that - she had a great body, helped by the fact that she was a university athlete. My ex commented more than once about how great her behind looked at the time (not to me but I was obviously within earshot) and of course I became jealous. I should be mad about him making sexual comments about another girl in my company, but instead what I am upset about is the fact that I took the bait and wore a pair of my own fitted white yoga pants the next day. Not only did I look pathetic for trying so hard to get his attention and approval, but when I'm honest with myself, I know I didn't look near as good as she did. I should have stayed confident, ditched him (obviously) and rocked my look with my regular jeans and a full dose of confidence.