She's just not that into you

Girls are always taught to watch for the signs that a guy is not that into us. It takes only minutes for us to tell our friends "ugh drop him, he didn't return your call, he's not worth your time". A guy ditches plans last minute and we question why we're with them. If a guy I'm dating won't come out to support one of my charity events it's a huge strike against them.
When we have friends who exhibit the same behaviors, we are somehow so ultra forgiving. Obviously we all accept our loved ones and their flaws, and I will be the first to admit I haven't been the best buddy as of late. But when I look back on the recent weeks with a few friends, it's a string of me contacting them, sometimes getting a response, often not. Never have they reached out to say hello or invite me for a coffee date. Group outings have happened and I'm not invited. Short of banging on their door and forcing my way in, I don't foresee seeing them in 2012 as I can't seem to book even 15 minutes in their busy schedules.
If I told a friend these facts about a guy I would be instructed to break-up immediately. So why am I chasing after these friends? Sure friends are super important in our lives, but I'll choose to use my time, energy and heart on friends who ARE that into me.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thank G for Her Sense of Humour

I haven't blogged for some time, and recently I've had a few requests to get over the fact that I'm in love and resume writing about the ups and downs of dating.

So what better way to (re)start than to share a story from a friend, who we'll refer to as Rita. This is copy and pasted from our chat this afternoon, so you can feel like you're right in the conversation.

For her sake and mine, I'm very thankful that Rita has a great sense of humour, or this story would have undoubtedly ended in (sad) tears.

Rita:
i met up with this guy... it was a set up
he was late
wearing a bill cosby-style sweater
and not in a fun ironic way
then he got terrible heartburn or something and kept burping and had to run to the store to buy tums
lol
it was brutal
he was also totally unimpressed that i didn't own a car
oh
and the best part was when

Dani:
WHATTTTTTTTT
AMAZING
Very different if the sweater wasn't worn in the "the ironic way"

Rita:
he bascially told me that he frequents strip clubs
hahahaha
amazing
and sooo awful

Dani:
this guy...did he follow you home after and look into your windows?
like seriously creepy
and who the eff set you up with him?!!

So Rita goes on to say that no, he did not follow her home (she's safe) and he did not try to contact her again. Which saves her the unenjoyable task of punching the friend who set them up!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If you really...

In my opinion, if you really liked someone you wouldn't be tempted to meet up with someone else late at night.
Even if you're meeting someone as a friend, you wouldn't want to exchange numbers if you were as into your BF as you proclaim to be.
For me, the true sign that I am really serious about someone is when I tell a new guy that I have a BF, unprompted. That's when I know that even though this move means I'll probably never see this new guy again, I'm ok with that because my BF is so great.

Passion Partay

Last night I finally hosted my first Passion Party. My friend Lesley is a wonderful Passion Consultant, and she explained and demo'd everything from grooming products, sensual massage creams and warming lubricants, then finally onto the big players - sex toys.

There was a lot of giggling but to my surprise very little embarrassment. I suppose it's a result of Lesley's open, friendly, knowledgeable demeanor, plus the super cool group of girls who attended. Girls called out questions and shared stories on everything from their "size", their preferences and what products they're currently enjoying in their bedroom. The group was an even mix between single and paired-off women, and I think everyone found it informative, exciting, helpful and fun. While I was concerned that it might not be a very profitable night for the Consultant, many people purchased items and most openly discussed what they bought (usually purchases are made in a private area).

I had a great turn-out for my party, and thank you to my friends whose purchases lead to a great deal on the products I purchased! What I expected to be a bit of a joke, and possibly lewd or uncomfortable, turned out to be a great way to spend a Friday night with wine, friends and girl talk.

I definitely encourage other women to host their own party! Now I just wonder if all my friends will be exponentially happier and more relaxed in two-three weeks when our deliveries arrive.

The Secret Stage

There is usually a period early in pregnancy when people don't tell anyone but immediate family or close friends of their big news. This totally makes sense, and often saves the couple additional difficulty if faced with a bad outcome in the first few months.

It would make things so much easier if relationships had the same 'secret stage' early on. How many relationships last a month or two and fall apart, for simple reasons? After all, dating someone for a month does not mean that you know him very well. He's essentially still a stranger, albeit one who has probably seen you naked.

By telling everyone you know about your new boyfriend after a couple weeks, you're making it very difficult on yourself should things not work out. It's difficult to hold things in - after all the earliest months are so exciting and giddy, you feel like shouting from rooftops. However, by sharing the news with everyone from your 3rd cousin to your cubicle neighbour, what should be a fairly easy break-up (if there is such a thing) turns into a challenging time where you have to explain the situation and your relationship failures to everyone who asks how your new boyfriend is doing.

I'm not saying it needs to be a complete secret, but maybe hold off on co-hosting get-togethers with friends, booking vacations and introducing him to extended family before you have solidified the relationship past 3 weeks.

An Apology Letter

Dear friends, co-workers and acquaintances,

I'm sorry if I've appeared to zone out while you're talking to me. If I missed that last instruction at work or left early from last week's party, I apologize. I didn't join you at a club this past week and I'm sorry if I change the topic of conversation every 5 minutes. My head is not in the game and I'm sure you can tell.

When it looks like I'm daydreaming, I am. When it seems like my mind is wandering and it sounds like I have a one-track mind, it's because it is, and I do. I'm smitten and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

All the reasonable parts of me are saying "Get yourself together, lady! You have responsibilities, awesome friends, a good job and many hobbies that you love doing."

Unfortunately it's as if the more emotional part of me is screaming while the reasonable side is whispering. Guess which side wins?

I'm smitten and I'm loving all the wonderful things that go with a new relationship. I know I know... it's important to be independent and have your own life and friends. I'm not dismissing that at all, and it's my most popular piece of advice to others. But please give me a short vacay from responsibilities and forgive me for my googley-eyedness.

I don't blame you if you dislike this version of me - I kind of hate me too.

Love from,
Dani

Absence...Does it Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Or is the saying "out of sight, out of mind" more accurate?

Sometimes a self-imposed break is a good thing. While you are used to spending a lot of time with a guy, a trip or busy period at work forces you to spend some time apart. Hopefully with this, he will realize how boring life is without you and the nights at home or out on the town are just not quite as fun without you by his side. He'll quickly understand that his bed isn't as cozy and he'll miss the daily chats.

Unfortunately though, sometimes by not being there and being top of mind, you're risking that he'll forget you. Maybe you have only been together a short while so life just returns to normal as you step on the plane. Maybe there are other girls in his life that seem attractive now that you're not front and centre.

If things are meant to be and you have a strong connection, even if it's early on in the relationship, an absence can make things stronger between you.

I know that I should not have to force myself into someone's life or continually fight for his attention, so I will keep going on trips and spending time apart from whoever I'm dating. If this proves to be an "out of sight, out of mind" situation, then I obviously wasn't that important to him in the first place.

I'm an Excellent Driver

In the traditional sense, men have always been the drivers of relationships. Girls are taught that if a man likes you, he will approach you, ask for your number, call you and if he can't get hold of you, run to your house and camp outside until you answer the door. In the classics, men would spend days journeying to see the woman they loved, just to find her away from the house, or worse, already engaged to someone else.

Today, we still expect a man to drive the relationship forward. I speak all the time about how if a man likes you, he will ask you out, otherwise he's not that into you. It has recently been brought to my attention, however, that some men prefer to let the woman steer the relationship.

While I initially argued against this, the more I think about it, I have been the driver in many of my past relationships. I tend to date laid back guys, which I like, since I can be pretty high-strung at times. Also I'm a big-time planner, and have been since I was five years old, and I'm extremely organized. Not to mention I'm bossy. So naturally I end up steering things. That isn't to say the guys weren't interested, they just didn't pursue me in the same manner we're taught to expect.

That said, I still really appreciate a guy who will tell me he likes me. I'm fine with making some of the plans, but if you're interested, ensure you show me that you're interested. It doesn't hurt to plan a nice date, tell me I look pretty or invite me to join you at an important event. Sometimes by allowing the girl to drive, guys give off an air of not really caring how things turn out, which is unfortunate if they really are interested.

I am not a fan of dating games but there is a point where I will stop messaging you/suggesting we hang out/making plans, no matter how receptive you appear, just to force you to initiate something and therefore confirm whether you like me.

The Rule

The main lesson I learned from the book (and movie) He's Just Not That Into You is that girls should expect to be the rule, not the exception to the rule. When a guy doesn't call after your first date, it's unlikely that his phone was swallowed by a bear and more likely that he just wasn't feeling it. When a guy won't call you his girlfriend, he probably wants to keep dating other girls, even if he says he has long-seeded commitment issues or is going on a worldwide adventure in a month (does he actually have a ticket booked?). The rule generally applies, regardless of the stories a guy tells you or more likely, the stories you tell yourself.

I've been spending time with a guy I met through another friend. Before becoming closer with him I had been told that he dates regularly but never anything serious. For whatever reason (or excuse) he generally doesn't have girlfriends just dates people for a month or two and moves on. This didn't bother me in the least until we began spending more time together, and as usual, the dynamic changed slightly and I became more interested in him.

He messages me regularly and acts like a great friend and stand-up guy. We have a lot of fun when we are together and he has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a guy. But it dawned on me the other night, why would this be any different for him than any other girl he's spent time with? Why should I expect the outcome to differ from his last few relationships? Not to say I don't think I'm worth it, but history has to be some sort of indicator of the future.

I'm sure he's had other cute girls laughing hysterically at his jokes, girls who he enjoyed their company and invited to hang out often. Yet he didn't make the move to officially date them, become exclusive and have a mature relationship. So why would that change with me? Rather than spend time convincing myself that I'm the exception, I think I'll move on to a guy where the rule is what I want.

Hobbies

One of my main dating tips for singles is to get a hobby. Not only will you expand your network (and potentially meet a date) but you'll become a more interesting person for it.

I'm forever surprised by the number of girls I meet who don't have any hobbies or interests outside of dating and their job. Whether it's a sport, a volunteer activity or a class, I'd expect a girl to have at least an interest in something.

This gives girls an extra topic to chat about, over and above their job and their childhood ("I grew up in Winnipeg..." is only exciting for so long). Pretty girls will get a guy's attention, no doubt, but keeping a guy's attention is another issue. After the first date, there's only so much small talk that can take place. Most guys have several interests, so chances are he's going to find a girl boring if she doesn't participate in any extra-curricular activities. If her schedule is wide open or she doesn't feel at least semi-passionate about anything, that just screams "plain".

So, that said, here are a list of potential interests and activities to partake in:

• A favourite band or a music venue featuring local bands
• Local sports team - get cheap tickets and check out a few games a year
• Take a class in something that interests you - photography, writing, English Lit, graphic design
• Volunteer. This is very near and dear to my heart - not only will you give back but you'll meet other community-conscious people!
• Travel - near or far this gives you a fun thing to chat about and you'll learn about yourself in the process

Wrong Number

I'm always a proponent of phoning vs. texting when you first meet a girl. Here's another piece of support for my argument - an entire confusion and near-disaster would have been avoided with one simple phone call.

About a week and a half ago I made plans with a friend who lives outside Toronto to meet up for dinner. He told me he'd "be in town for work" and wanted to see me on Sunday night. When he messaged, I didn't have his phone # saved, but I recognized the area code as belonging to my friend S.H. who had phoned me on my birthday. I was busy at the time of his message, so I quickly saved his name in my phone, made plans to meet up Sunday evening and left it at that.

We messaged a few times over the past week to confirm plans, pick a resto and a time, and tell each other how excited we were to see each other. All along I assumed I was meeting my friend S.H., who I've known for years. Never in my messages did I mention any of the details of our friendship. In fact, upon re-reading my messages they were extremely generic, on both sides, and they really could have been sent to anyone in my contact list.

So tonight I showed up at his hotel to meet him in the lobby as planned, but instead of greeting him with a big smile and a hug, I gave the guy sitting on the couch a strange look and asked what he was doing in the city. I expected to see S.H., and instead the guy who approached me was an airport acquaintance - let's call him Newark Airport - a cute guy I'd befriended during a delay in January.

Needless to say I was surprised and confused, and I don't even want to think about what kind of expressions I was making while my mind raced between the options:

1) Is this actually S.H. and he looks different than I remember?

2) Pretend I knew I was meeting this guy all along and hope that S.H. wasn't going to step off the elevator

3) Explain my error and confirm that, yes, in fact, this was who I had been texting.

I chose the latter and it took me the walk to the restaurant to recover my cool, explain that I am in fact a sane, organized person, and reassure my friend that I was happy he was now my date. It was in fact a very pleasant surprise - Newark Airport was nothing but funny, charming and very cute. It provided a dramatically different vibe to the evening that I wish I'd been prepared for - flirting with a new guy takes a different level of preparation than catching up with an old friend - but all in all I'd deem it a success.

I will just ensure that in the future I call the guy I'm meeting with before I book the reso.

ERASE Button

I have a great idea for an app - an ERASE button - and please let me explain why this is such a smart idea.

I recently went on a few dates with a guy, things seemed to be going well, when he made it clear he was not very interested in me. I'm unsure of what happened to change his mind, but regardless of the reason, I want nothing more to do with him. There are not many things more pathetic than a girl who continues to message or call a guy after he's said he doesn't want to date her. Unfortunately, it can be challenging not to, especially if he is still friendly and nice.

It's especially difficult to remember why I shouldn't be messaging him when his number is so easily available. It's saved in my phone, and even if I did delete it, I have past text messages and the "reply" button is just an inch away. At this point I have his email address and he's on Facebook. He's everywhere.

Here's where the ERASE button comes in. Things are more complicated than in the old days where you simply throw out the piece of paper with his number or delete his number from your call history. Now, you press the ERASE button and he's gone. Emails, text messages, call history and your friendship on Facebook. You won't have to worry about his post coming up on your Twitter feed or sending him a drunk message at the end of the night.

Any developers who are interested, you know how to reach me.

Surprise Message

Today I received a message from an ex that I never thought I'd see. Granted, I'm not completely innocent - I messaged him yesterday saying Hello.

This is an ex who I have always had a close friendship with since breaking-up eight years ago. I have no intentions to get back together with him, and I have not seen him in more than three years.

And I quote:

"Hey! I'm good thank you. I'm really sorry but keeping in touch with x girlfriends is getting me into all kinds of trouble! I'm sorry, nothing against u or anything but I need to put my past behind me! Take care hope all is well".

After receiving this I immediately deleted his number (even though I have had it memorized for years) and will definitely never reach out to him again. I think the most surprising is that of all relationships I've had, this is the one that came to the "never speak to me again" stage.

EXcitement

I had dinner with an ex on Friday night. Luckily the plans were made two days in advance, as even then I spent several hours contemplating outfits, where to go and what it would be like to see him. I don't want to think what my productivity levels would have been for the month if he'd invited me out in March.

I picked a great restaurant, tried on 4 outfits, and spent over an hour making myself beautiful - which is a long time for someone with a super short attention span like myself. It paid off - I felt very pretty and confident and I was happy to show him how I'd grown up over the past few years.

What struck me as odd was that I was more concerned about looking good for him than I am on most first dates I go on. My friends offered suggestions on what to wear, my roommates told me how great I looked before I went out, and being sweet as they are they even messaged me while I was out to mention it again.

I had a great dinner and hopefully he felt at least an ounce of regret for dumping me, but ultimately he's an ex who I have zero interest in. Why are we so concerned with impressing exes, when they're virtually failed options, yet we are lazy with dating new guys? No, not all girls are like that, but maybe that's why I am still single...

A Boyfriend Equation

BF - intimacy + baseball = Baseball BF

I think this could be the solution I've been looking for for some time now! I don't think my needs are unreasonable. I'd like someone who will go to Jays games with me, and explain an odd call or recite the pitcher's stats. I want someone who will tell me I look cute when I show up for pre-game beers, but I don't need anyone coming home with me at the end of night. I'm not saying this is a permanent position, but for this point in my life, a baseball BF is the perfect BF for me.

He can be in another (real) relationship and it is preferable that he be completely uninterested in me as a potential wife. He should however enjoy my company enough to sit through a three-hour baseball game. He should also enjoy beer.

This is so much better than a real BF because the only drama we should ever face is disagreeing about the second-base umpire's call or whether we should have another beer before the end of the 7th. In my opinion, "I can't believe they're not starting Morrow!" is much more tolerable than "why were you texting HER last night?!".

I'm now taking applications, please email if interested.

Twenty-Eight Going on Sixteen

Two 16-year-old girls are sharing a coffee at Starbucks chatting about their guy drama. For the most part it was typical dating drama, but the disturbing part was that their issues were scarily similar to issues I am still dealing with today. I felt like shaking the girls and telling them some things just never change, and that they have at least another fifteen years of this garbage to deal with, so they better get used to it!

Here's part of their story, just for your reading pleasure.

Lucy

So Lucy is telling Jane about her break-up last weekend. She tells the story as "OMG I seriously cried all day." So the story goes that she decided to break up with her BF who happens to be older than her. She is sitting with him (at his place I assume) cuddling and she starts getting sad and pretty much crying. She tried to tell him a bunch of times and then about 10 minutes before they have to part she decides to do it.

She had already planned to do it so that's not the problem. The drama is around his reaction. He acted like it was no big deal and just said "it's okay". When she asked him what he meant by that he said "it's okay because they can still be friends". Then she checked Facebook when she got home and he had changed his relationship status to single seconds after she left. And a bunch of people had liked it and he wrote "LOL". So she messaged him wanting to talk to him. The way she calls it is that she envisioned the breakup being a little big more "dignified" (her word). Nowadays we would say "I need closure. And why isn't he more heartbroken over this?"
Ten minutes later: the guy called while they were sitting at Starbucks. He wanted to talk about it but was apparently at a friend's house and she said she didn't want to talk about it while he was there. So they are planning to get together on Friday to chat.

Of course as soon as she gets off the phone she starts freaking out. She keeps saying "OMG help me!" "What do I say?!" Jane gives pretty much useless advice and tells her to say something along the lines of "it was just too hard" and some other mumble jumble. Jane gets up to go to the bathroom and Lucy immediately jumps on the phone to call random third friend saying "OMG what do I do?!"

The thing is, during all of these conversations Lucy is smiling. It's as if she likes the drama and/or she's excited to see him. It might be both, and it definitely seems silly, but either way replace "Lucy" with "Dani" and it would be a totally believable story. I may be older but definitely not wiser.

Online Dating: Part Deux

In case his first message wasn't funny enough, he decided to seal the deal and send a follow-up message to my friend. You'll remember from the first message (see "Online Dating") that he was more than a little interested in her. Well, he's persistent, although the tone changes a bit with this message. I will confirm that it was unprovoked - my friend did not respond to his first message, he came up with this beauty all on his own:

I don't know if you appreciate honesty, I just wanted to let you know I
am a for sure thing, I don't want to be rude; I mean I just wanted to
let you know that, Lol. I mean why don't we just hook up for A couple of
great evenings eating some good food, some great cooked food, some great
movies, some great sex, I mean I like to enjoy a beautiful girl just
like the next guy. In all reality, you're going to sleep with other
people and so am I. I don't want to enjoy a girls company once I want to
enjoy it as long as it lasts. Am I going to be totally faithful, no I am
not? A nice dinner some great sex and some great laughs, I mean right
now in my life the way it's going, I have a lot to accomplish, I want
date but, I want to have fun and I really don't see the point in waiting
time. I am not going to be a guy who's going to lie to you nor do I want
to be rude. Let's face it I had a choice, a night of great sex a dinner
cooked some laughs and someone to cuddle and sleep beside and do that
when we feel like it. Or sleep by ourselves. I would pick the sex and
the good company. I want anything serious right now but I just wanted to
let you know I am a for sure thing one night if you were interested. Did
you want to meet for a coffee and see if there is a connection? Just to
let you know I saw you and just let you know about some possibilities.

The latest update - after being ignored by my friend, he has since closed his account on this particular dating site. The coast is clear for her to move on to bigger and better things.

Going Downhill, Fast

One of the exciting & stressful things about dating is that things can seem great, then within a day or two they feel like they're heading straight downhill. You can always count on dating to keep us on our toes.

Let's take the last guy I dated: things were going well, we spent one or two evenings a week together, he messaged, called, seemed really reliable and fun, and I was happy. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and a few weeks ago there was a noticeable shift in his behaviour. I noticed it, but still liked hanging out with him so I toned things down a bit and continued to talk with him. He was still really responsive, friendly and he was especially great when we hung out.

Yada yada yada...we've all heard this story before. Obviously something happened that made him just not that into the whole sitch. I think he may have gotten a bit scared of how fast things were moving, or maybe he met another girl and is either too inept to handle dating both of us at once, or feels bad to pursue me further with another girl on the go. My number #1 guess: he is on the verge of breaking out the "You're a cool girl but I'm just not looking for a relationship" card.

What I do want to ask, for myself and all the girls out there who have been in a similar situation, is Why? I would like to know what happened that made him change his mind about me. If it was an external pressure (meeting another girl, for example), there's not much I can do about it. Guys are going to meet other girls. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I said or did something that scared him off or made him go into the relationship fetal position.

It's tough to ask for critiques - think about how rough it is at your job, when someone criticizes your professional work. Now apply that same level of critique to your dating life or even to your personality. Ouch. I`m prepared to put myself out there for the greater good. Think of how much better I, and the girls who read my blog, will be at dating after hearing this truth.

Why You Should Never Change Plans for a Guy

Here's a fun little story taken straight from my life: It begins with me, on Friday morning, asking a guy I'm seeing if he wants to hang out later that night. Here's the conversation and sequence of events that follow:

Him: I'm busy later tonight with some friends but how about breakfast tomorrow?

Me: Sure, I have plans in the afternoon so it will have to be early.

Him: Sounds great, blah blah blah, I'll come to your neighbourhood, blah blah blah, I'm a nice guy, blah blah I'll be there at 10am

On Friday night I met friends for post-work drinks, and I also had an invite for later that night, but seeing as I had to be up at 9am and wanted to look and feel good, I decide to call it an early night. Granted I was exhausted from the week and wanted the rest, but knowing I had to be up early really solidified my decision. I was actually excited to rise early and meet with him when I went to bed.

2:47am: I am awakened by a text message. And I quote: "Hey I'm jus going to bed, gonna bail on tmrw since there's no way I'm getting up in time. I will def give u a shout tho...super sorry again"

Yes...super sorry again because he's bailed on me before. The last time was on something way more important than a breakfast, but nonetheless bailing 7 hours before just tells me he doesn't care that much. I know guys who would make it to a 10am date if they had only one hour of sleep, just so they could see the girl!

I have other people to see tomorrow and know that my day will still be fun, but I wish I had gone out and danced, drank and partied with my friends last night. I just might have met a cute, reliable guy.

Online Dating

As I'm preparing to dive into the world of online dating I've been pleasantly surprised to find out most of my friends are ready and willing to share stories and advice from their experiences on the world wide web. Some stories are good, many are bad, and all are helpful.

I just couldn't pass up the following message though - below is the actual text from a message that a friend received on a free site:

Hey girl, I don’t know how you did this, but you have me absolutely stumped. I glanced over your profile and you tilted my head you are absolutely beautiful baby girl. I mean, I hope I not being to forward. I don’t want take any chances on ruining something as great as you look and read. Girl. I mean you got me stumped on why you single. I would have a ring on that finger a long time ago. I mean it baby girl, I mean something like you belongs on a dance floor getting twirled You should be made to feel something special. I don’t know what you been dealing with but a gorges face like yours need to feel something special. I mean it you are beautiful baby girl. Wow More about me. Hard working guy who just wants to make something like you know she’s number one and give you something they talk about in books. I can’t give you anything perfect because I am not yet, but neither are you. So what do I got to do to walk into gal’s life like yours just let me know