The Bar Scene

Lately I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about 'the bar scene'. I guess it's a result of my/my friend's ages increasing and our interests changing. It's OK if that scene just doesn't cut it for you anymore. I know that one of the downsides to this though, is that there doesn't always seem to be a lot of other options available, more in some places than others. So here are my suggestions for other fun, social activities, that do not include dancing on a catwalk or standing in line for 45 minutes.

• Go to a pub for a few beers and perhaps a sporting event on TV
• Sit on a patio for an extended period of drinking and people-watching
• Go to a concert
• Grab a coffee and a good visit with a friend or two
• Go for a walk in a local park
• Window shop (stress window)
• Go to a sporting event
• Have a girls night - watch a movie, eat junk food, chat/gossip/catch up

I'm Tired

I have been feeling so sluggish and crappy lately. Things in my life are going well and there's really nothing to feel bad or down about, but my body just doesn't seem to get that. I think back over the past month and there has been a lot of booze and junk food involved, with little veggies or exercise. As a result of this unhealthy lifestyle I have gained a few pounds recently as well - which leads me to feel even worse and then eat more junk food.
Hmmmm I might be on to something. To sum up, I'm fatter, slower, grumpier and may have developed scurvy. Awesome.
Tonight I stocked up on healthy food - spinach, proteins, fruits, healthy snacks. I went to the gym tonight and yesterday so I hope I'm on to something. Oh, and I've decided to go on a semi-detox (I know I will never fully commit to NO alcohol - my social life just revolves around drinks too much...), so I'm strictly limiting the amount of drinks I have. I'll let you know how it goes - anything has to be better than how I'm feeling now.

Take Advantage

Usually 'taking advantage of a situation' comes with a negative connotation, but I believe in something different. There are ways to take advantage of situations in order to benefit you and the people around you (your company, co-workers, friends, family).
I'm primarily thinking about the workplace - join as many committees and extra projects as you can reasonably handle. Do not overwhelm yourself to the point that your job performance will suffer or you can't make a true commitment. But do try something new - join a committee and perform a role that is different from what you do in your day to day job. Learn about a new project or company goal while interacting with people from various departments and various levels. If your company offers subsidies for training courses take as many as you can, making them tie-in to your current role. These things will make you a more well-rounded candidate when you do choose to move forward or move on, and your department and the company will benefit with your increased knowledge, contacts and confidence. If you're in a position where you lead people, use that opportunity to learn and develop as much as possible. Read books on leadership, speak with other Managers/Execs to get tips and hints, and exercise your new knowledge on your direct reports (of course being careful not to hinder their experience!).
If a friend is starting a business, offer to help her with the promo, design or budgeting. Use your skills and get higher level experience (think creating the company budget vs.monitoring a small portion of it), to help her and yourself. If there's a specific skill you're looking to develop, apply to be a volunteer with one of many organizations - you can contribute to an important cause at the same time.
Often we find ourselves in less than perfect situations with one or more things in our life. While you are in that job, relationship or even city - take advantage of all the opportunities that are hidden within.

Pestering

The worst situation to be in, in my mind, is to be that girl who is pestering a guy. Can you imagine the guy you're dating/seeing/liking from afar looking at his phone the next time you text saying "oh jeez, there's ______ again". I can just picture it now - he's out for wings with his friends, and instead of telling them about how wonderful, fun and independent you are, he's sharing your 'could be construed as clingy' text messages.
I'm not a proponent of game-playing, but try to keep the tables balanced when it comes to messaging, calling, and all forms of communication. Sometimes there are reasons he's not responding right away - he could be legitimately busy in which case he needs his space. And if it's not legit, he doesn't deserve your time anyway. Just something to keep in mind before you hit send on that 4th straight message.

Who Are You

How do you describe yourself to someone new? What floats your boat, what interests you, who are you? Now remove work from the equation - who is the real you? No more hiding behind a job to define you. You're not a banker, teacher, nurse...you are a fabulous young woman with so many amazing things that you're excited about, work just being a small portion of that. If you don't feel this way, maybe it's the time to focus a bit more on the 'other things' in life.

Songs

If you`ve ever listened to song lyrics closely you know that most of them are about relationships - past, present or future. How true are the words? I know people in relationships who sing of women that I'm sure are not their GFs - are they fictional situations or people from the past, or worse, the present? My BF doesn't exactly talk about his feelings, yet his new song talks in detail of 'missing' someone...should I be concerned? Granted, it's just a song, but the thought of him a) remembering in detail a past relationship b) confronting these feelings and c) revealing them to the (technically) entire world makes me a bit uncomfortable. Just saying.

Being Alone...Not Always So Bad

No matter who you are, there are times you will find yourself alone. Be it waiting in a doctor's office, grabbing a coffee or catching a flight. Everyone enjoys spending at least some part of their week alone at home, but when it's in public, some people are just not so good at solo. Between travelling quite a bit on my own, moving to a new city, and being awkwardly early for most appointments/dates/meetings, I have become quite accustomed to doing my own thing. I think every confident girl should be A-OK with being on their own for at least a couple hours, and realize that it's perfectly natural.
Try going into a restaurant and having lunch on your own. It's almost liberating, at least after you get over the initial awkwardness. And if a solo lunch seems too intimidating try grabbing a seat at Starbucks with a coffee and paper for half an hour. A good trick is to always carry a good book, magazine or a journal - something to entertain you and make it look like you MEANT to be on your own (not like you got stood up). Smartphones really help too - allowing you to access the Internet and all chatting capabilities...but that kind of defeats the purpose a bit. Try it, you might be surprised at how great you feel when you devote some time to chillin with yourself!

Expectations

The downside to having a thoughtful, romantic BF (there's a downside? you ask) may be that expectations are set too high. After several romantic gestures - be it coffee drop-offs at work, flower deliveries or surprising you with a clean apartment, it's really hard not to come to expect these things. So when you come home after a long day of work and the dishes are still in the sink, don't forget to remind yourself that those are 'special signs of how much he cares' and not every day duties or responsibilities.
Should you set your expectations low? No way - but there's a definite difference between expectations of respect and commitment vs. 24/7 catering to your every whim. If that does happen in your relationship though, please let me know where you found him!

The Horseshoe Tavern

My BF is playing another show this weekend so I'm using this medium to not-so-subtly promote it. The show is FREE (!!) and it's at the Horseshoe Tavern @ Queen & Spadina, Saturday, May 23rd. Vanderpark will be on around 12am, other shows are on before. Message me to get added to the guest list (for free entry). Hope to see you out!

Meet The Parents

When is the right time to introduce your BF to your parents? When would you hope you'd be introduced to his family? Most importantly, at what point of non-introduction should you start to worry about your relationship? In my mind, a guy should be proud and happy with you and be excited to introduce you to his family. After all, what parent wouldn't be happy to meet the smart, pretty and confident girl dating their son? When he starts avoiding the subject, lying to his parents when he's with you, or making plans to visit with his parents without you (repeatedly), there might be a greater issue at play.
There are some circumstances, however, where maybe you don't want to meet the parents. Maybe you had a very different upbringing from your BF and can sense some potential conflicts with his 'rents. Sometimes it's just nice to keep parents and their opinions out of the equation, at least until you know for sure how you feel about the relationship. After all, since most of us live on our own at this stage, there is no need to meet the parents on the first date like in grade 12.
I think there is a lot of focus put on 'meeting the parents' - some girls don't consider the relationship to be the real deal until there are weekly family dinners or trips home to their native cities (with BF in tow). This is fine, but be careful what you wish for - relationships are tricky enough without factoring 4+ more people into the mix!

Spying

Sometimes it's tempting to take a peek at a BF's private stash - his MSN conversations, emails, Facebook messages, journal. Maybe things have been rocky as of late, or it's early in the relationship, or you worry that there might be someone else. It seems so easy to just check the computer when he's in the shower, or flip through a notebook to check for incriminating deets. I hear stories like this from girls all the time, but really, no good can come from it. Not only are you blatantly taking advantage of your BF's trust, but suppose you do read something incriminating. What can you do about it? Granted, if it's something extreme (say an online conversation with Mindy setting up a late-night rendez-vous) at least you can exit the relationship without further injury. Otherwise, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you mention something you read (say a flirty comment with a girl or mention of a cute co-worker) he will obviously be hurt and angry that you invaded his privacy. But when you keep it to yourself with no clarification, it will haunt you for weeks/months/all of time.
Avoid this dilemma, and carry a good book with you instead.

Whiney McWhine

Scenario:
You: Do I look OK in this dress (twirling in front of a mirror)
Friend: You look super hot - that's a great dress!
You: Are you sure? Do you really think I look good?
Friend: Yes, I wouldn't have said it otherwise. Are you ready to go?
You: (pouting) There are so many other great girls out there...are you sure you want to hang out with me? I feel like you don't really like being friends with me.
Friend: Ummmm nothing has changed, and I told you how great you looked...?
You: Well I saw you talking to that girl in your class, you guys seemed to be getting pretty close...maybe you'd rather grab brunch with her?! You never say anything nice...
Friend: WTF

I might have exaggerated this scene a bit, but I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at the 'You' character above. Now substitute BF for Friend, 'dating' for 'hanging out with' and it probably seems a bit more realistic (too bad). You wouldn't pull this on a girl friend, so why is it OK with a BF? You can't really blame guys for tiring of all that whining, questioning and fishing for compliments!
Sadly, I hear girls saying these things all the time. STOP! Listen to yourself - take an objective view of your conversations with guys and realize that you're making yourself less attractive by the minute. Plus, by focusing solely on what they're not saying, or what hidden meanings might lie beneath their compliments, you're ignoring all the great things they DO say!

Smiling

Next time you're feeling down try smiling. Yes, this sounds cheesy, and I know you might feel silly smiling to yourself, but it really does help your mood improve! When you stand up straight, lift your chin, walk/stand with some confidence and smile, it's difficult to stay in a bad mood.
It's almost always easier to feel sorry for yourself, but try challenging yourself the next time you're feeling down. Never let a difficult time get the best of you!

Addicted to Drama

Everyone likes a bit of drama in their lives, and without some excitement, life gets dull, boring and predictable. Unfortunately I think all too often girls get addicted to the drama of sketchy relationships. We`ve all (or almost all) been there - it seems that things are either amazingly wonderful or horribly disastrous with our boy du jour...never in the middle.
You may be asking why we do this to ourselves. Some reasons may include:

• You are totally incompatible but trying to make it work because you`re attracted to each other
• You two don`t have a lot in common or even much fun together, so the drama helps build excitement and something to focus on
• The constant worrying about your BF provides endless hours of chat material to be shared with your closest (25) friends
• The knowledge that you`re dating a scumbag allows you to instantly bond with most other girls you meet
• Make-up sex is better than regular sex

Although the drama can be exciting, your friends are probably tired of hearing the same whining and complaining that they`ve been listening to for 10+ years. You`re not working on improving the important things in life when you`re spending hours crying, worrying, and yelling about past fights. In my opinion, total drama relationships went out of style with jumpsuits (the first time around...).

Easy

A wise friend of mine once told me that a relationship 'should be easy'. At the time I didn't really understand what she meant, but when she got married this year (further proof that she was right) I was happy to tell her that I finally saw the light.
This doesn't mean that you are always awed and amazed by your significant other (of course they are annoying sometimes!), but there are a few things that stand out in my mind as key factors. In my opinion, when a relationship is 'easy', a small argument doesn't often escalate into a major blowout. When there is a fight, the fear of a break up isn't always looming, it's just a fight. It seems that in these relationships, the significant other is dependable and works to make life easier, not tougher, for you.
Granted, the ups and downs can be exciting, but having an easy relationship allows you to spend your time, energy and brilliance on so many other great things.

Subway Commute

Let me set the scene: You're sitting on the TTC subway during rush hour, and a man enters the car to stand right in front of you, holding the bar overhead. Have you ever noticed that your face is basically 2 inches away from his crotch? Yikes. When I looked up from my book the other day to find, well, a man's crotch, things definitely got a bit awkward. My daily commute hasn't been the same since.

I Miss My Mom

With Mother's Day coming up, ads are everywhere for things to do with or for your mom on her special day. Although my mom isn't much into spa treatments or shopping sprees, it makes me sad all the same that I will be apart from her this Sunday. The sappy commercials and print ads make me reminisce about fun times we've had, and how it seems a bit ridiculous to live apart from family when you miss them this much.
Anyway...I digress...If you will be seeing your mom on Sunday, be sure to give her a big hug and tell her how important she is. We don't often make a point of saying these things (or writing them in cards which is obviously a bit less awkward) and it really is so important.
If, like me, your mom is in another city, don't forget to phone her on Sunday morning, and a card or flowers is always a nice touch!

That's My Thing

Sometimes we do stupid things. Things like getting drunk and losing it on friends, hooking up with sketchos, and dating guys who just don't treat us that great. Dumb decisions are made as part of normal life, and hopefully it doesn't become a common occurrence. But when your friends come to expect that you will go home with the first shadester who buys you a Tequila shot, or your new BF forgets your bday, just like the last three BFs, there may be a problem.
All too often, instead of facing the facts and considering why you might be putting yourself into these bad, often harmful, situation, girls write it off by saying 'that's my thing'. As if hooking up with strangers or having an eternally disappointing relationship are schticks to be proud of. Instead of letting things become a habit, make it a one-time mistake and leave it at that! I'm sure you can think of many things you'd rather be famous for!

BF with a GF

The considerable appeal of boys with girlfriends has been a mystery for (I assume) all of time. Of course there is the opinion that commitment-phobe girls enjoy the challenge and excitement of spending time with a boy who is already committed, thus avoiding any future pressure. I believe this may be true early on in some relationships, but as we all know, most girls become attached at some point and subsequently are disappointed.
Another common theory, and the one I support, is that a guy is instantly ten times hotter and higher up on the 'what a catch' ladder when we learn he has a GF. It's the thought that 'some other girl likes him, maybe I should too'. Plus, he's technically 'unavailable'. When I think about several guys I've gotten to know who have had GF's and tried to work it that they had me too, I wonder why I put up with it. Although I hate to admit it, there's a certain thrill and confidence boost in being 'the other woman' (for the record I have never been the accomplice to a cheating boy). It's almost more flattering than getting hit on in normal circumstances, as he is choosing you over someone else.
I do believe that deep down most girls expect or hope for the guy to leave their GF for them. Why a girl would ever want a guy like that for their BF I have no idea, but I'm sure a lot of it is the thrill of the chase. The problem is, most girls are setting themselves up not only for major disappointment, but for a crappy fake relationship along the way. Give yourself what you deserve - a full time BF or nothing at all. I am positive that your own company is 100 times better than the company of a dirty dog.

Sloppiness

We all like to party - me as much as the next girl. We also all like to look great, be polished, and have our act together. Too often, these things do not go together. Sure, there are occasions that call for sloppy drunkenness - this weekend may be one for me. Whether these are sporting events or big celebrations, they're a normal (and fun) part of life. However, for the remaining (many) weeks of the year, partying with some self-control is key to being a sexy girl.
Drunk girls are not hot, they're just easy targets. Think of those nights you've been out and stayed sober - are you jealous of that girl next to you at the bathroom sink, with mascara under her eyes, her shirt 2 inches too low, as she stumbles to the hand dryer with toilet paper stuck to her stiletto? Probably not so hot.

Not to mention, all the other downsides of extreme drunkenness:

• If you do meet someone worth chatting up, chances are you won't be able to converse in a way that portrays just how fabulous and fun you are.
• There's a 90% chance you'll get overly emotional and end the night by crying and/or saying regrettable things to those with you and reachable by cell phone.
• All that effort you put into getting ready for the bar is wasted - your hair is now a rat's nest, your makeup is on every part of your face EXCEPT your eyelids, and your shoes are in your hands.

When you see things my way, maybe next time you'll think about switching up your 7th G&T for a water.

It's How I Am

Warning - the following might be seen as being a bit harsh. And as I re-read it I realize it's very similar to "That's my thing". I think there are some key differences though, so please read both!
We all make mistakes - no matter who you are, how hard you work at leading a healthy, happy life, things go wrong. For you, this may mean drinking too much at a club and having a less-than-graceful exit, getting in a fight with a close friend, or falling for someone who just isn't that into you. The problem is with how you react to these situations. Since when is it OK to say "well, that's just how I am"? I hear this so often, as if it's an excuse for sloppiness, mean behaviour or poor judgement. Making mistakes is a natural part of life, and can even be positive, when you learn from them. Writing it off as a mere personality flaw, not so positive.
Next time you're recovering from a big night out with a bad ending, or a hurtful relationship, force yourself to think about how you can avoid doing the same thing next week/month/year. Make a change, or get comfortable with being disappointed in yourself.

Girl Friends

Sometimes I meet girls through other friends, work, or volunteering, and I want to get to know them better, or hang out with them again. I find it awkward though, and I don't think I'm alone in this. Sometimes it's just as scary to ask a girl for her email or phone number as it is a guy, and I mean this in a totally straight way. When you really hit it off with a girl, in a platonic, 'this girl is cool and would be fun to party with' kind of way, why not end the night by asking her for an email so you can hang out again? At least Facebook is so common that it's relatively un-creepy to add someone the next day, but it can still prove to be a difficult situation. A common in-my-head discussion as I leave one of these situations sounds like this; 'Did I come on too strong? Did she think I was cool? Did she enjoy our convo about sketchy guys as much as I did? Would it be weird if we hung out just the two of us?'.
Why do girls freak out about this so much? First of all, I don't want to be mistaken for having romantic interests. I have nothing against lesbians, but I'm not one. Secondly, I don't want to seem pathetic or desperate. It's almost like I want all other women to believe I have an amazing social life and do not need their friendship. Yikes.
I have (mostly) gotten over my self-consciousness, and if I really enjoy my time with someone I make an effort to stay in contact. Most women I know are flattered when someone new wants to hang with them or include them in their circle. For me, meeting new friends means exposure to new restaurants, bars, shopping and activities. And I guess if a women can't pick up on the fact that I'm straight from my many random dating stories, then there's a bigger problem at hand.