Groupies

My boyfriend is a talented musician, and plays in a band here in Toronto. I used to tell people this with a bit of a sneer, doing my best imitation of a snobby Commerce grad. Now I'm really impressed and proud of him. He's a great musician and it's nice to know someone who's so passionate about what they do. So many people, like myself, have day jobs that we aren't interested in, often just to spend our free time doing things that aren't that much more exciting. Anyway, back to the band...my awkwardness comes when he has shows. What do I wear, who will come with me, will I be cool enough, will there be groupies there?? So many questions, so many decisions! I've gotten to know a few of his friends, and the other GFs of the band, so it's really not bad. I am no competition for groupies though - they have made that perfectly clear. Luckily there are only a few Vanderpark groupies out there, and I know my guy is into me. It's still a bit demoralizing/frustrating/annoying when some ditzy girl feels the need to tell me how well she knows the band, who she has dated, or what she thinks of my BF's drumming skills...at every show.
Which is why I'm so so so appreciative of friends who come out to the shows with me. That said - Vanderpark this Saturday, May 2nd @ The Rivoli (Queen & Spadina). Come check it out!

Break-ups

For all of time girls have been thrown-off by inconsiderate, surprise break-ups, leaving them crying and wondering 'WTF?!' at the same time. In my opinion, if two people have been out more than a few times, the woman (in this case let's assume it's the woman being dumped) deserves at the very least, a phone call, if not an in-person break-up. A favourite memory of mine is being dumped via text. 'Things just aren't working out' after 3 months of exclusive dating just isn't cool. A friend was dumped via MSN...which may or may not be worse than text. To me, it seems worse because it's not only impersonal, but totally reminiscent of the relationships I had in Grade 10. Remember those seemingly intense talks you'd have over MSN but when you saw each other the guy would be totally clammed up??
Either way, guys who don't give girls the closure and respect that they deserve suck. However, the good thing about these situations is that it's much easier to be mad, thinking 'WTF' and 'What a loser!', than it is to be sad.

Long Live the Jean

Check out this link...apparently "jeans are dead"...sort of. The article contradicts itself but I was more focused on how ugly most of the featured pants are. I would choose a hot pair of skinny/straight jeans over Harem pants any day!!
http://www.thestar.com/living/article/626356

Scenarios - Part I

I wonder how long it takes of being with a nice, reliable, trust-worthy guy to stop bad worrying about sketchy behaviour. Maybe those thoughts never go away, especially for someone like me who is a Queen of Scenario Development (thanks for that Mom).
Here's a favourite of mine - I phone a guy (be it a BF, random, date, friend who I'm not-so-secretly interested in) and it rings once and goes to voicemail. Over-analyzing leads me to consider the fact that if his phone were out of range or turned off, it wouldn't ring at all. Conversely, if he just missed the call it would ring the standard 4-5 times before switching to voicemail. So, he must have purposely ignored my call. Great. To build on that, I wonder if he's with another girl and discreetly shutting his phone off to avoid suspicion. Or even worse, he and the girl (of course she's super hot) have a good chuckle over me calling him when he's doing something 'wrong'.
Wow...as I read that I understand how whacked-out I sound. But I challenge any of you to tell me that you've never had doubts or created scenarios like that. Of course I don't do it all the time, and the longer I date a good person the less frequently these thoughts arise, but they're still there. You'd think I'd be a skinny, non-eating, chain-smoking stress ball with those kinds of thoughts. Nope...still eating.

Trenchcoats...and Uni-boobs

First off, sorry for the lack of recent posts, but my computer at home has been on the fritz. Thanks for all the comments as of late, I love hearing your ideas and it helps to keep the new content flowing! I am in the process of buying a new laptop, but trying to hold off for as long as possible, so I can buy other, things like clothes, shoes, bags, etc.
Today it rained in TO (surprise surprise) and I sported my trench to work. As I was tying it up over my bulky, loose-fitting sweater, I noticed that I had a major uni-boob situation going on. Well, more like the entire front of me was one big bulge. Awesome. As I walked to work (self-conscious of my new-found look) I noticed that a lot of girls had the same issue with their trenches. I ask of you two things - 1) Please try to save yourself from this horrible phenomenon that is sweeping downtown TO and 2) Could someone please recommend a brand or style of trench or spring coat that doesn't do this? Or maybe I should just slim down a bit...hmmm...it's so much easier to buy a new coat!

ANTM

So I'm medium-obsessed with America's Next Top Model. I admit it, even though I normally shun reality show. I also will be the first to admit that Tyra Banks (the super-model turned TV host) seems crazier each season (for any of you who don't follow the show, I encourage you to watch 10 minutes of one episode to see this). I feel a bit frustrated for her - it's as if she's trying so hard to prove that she's still a model, and still one of the best at that. The sad part is she's trying to prove it to women half her age, half her size, and with their whole careers in front of them. I give her credit for all her successes, but maybe she should accept that she's no longer a supermodel, and stop striking poses on the show every 2 minutes (she seriously does this, usually mid-sentence). Just a suggestion.
For those fellow ANTM followers; my life has improved dramatically since Natalie was booted last night. For me, she symbolized every tall, hot, bitchy girl who's ever been horrible to me. Seeing her kicked off was like revenge for all the dirty looks and mean words over my adolescent years (not that I'm bitter or anything...).

Appearances

Do you ever walk down the street/enter a bar/go out for lunch and feel like everyone else looks way better than you? I get that feeling a lot. Actually for me the common feeling is that of a short, chubby, clothes-are-a-bit-too-tight girl, with messy hair.
To save myself this angst, I have started to pay a lot more attention to how I look (and feel) when I'm out in public, even if that means just out at the grocery store. I'm definitely not one to spend hours on make-up or hair, but I'm done with the days of throwing on sweats, only to walk out the front door of my building and feel my self-esteem plummet. And in addition to helping our self esteem, we never know when we'll run into an ex, or more importantly, when we'll be sharing a subway seat with Mr. Right.
My new motto has been to try to be polished and 'together'. Even if I don't feel 'together' on the inside, I try to ensure my outfit looks half-decent, my hair has been brushed, and there's some aptly applied make-up on my face. If it honestly and truly doesn't bother you, congratulations. For the other 99% of women, spend an extra 10 minutes before leaving the house and you'll be so glad you did.

Hey Mariah

I like Mariah Carey. I enjoy her music, and lately have been semi-obsessed with her album E=MC2. It's odd when you consider her success though. She has been uber-successful, topping the charts with a record number of singles, selling bazillions of records, and appearing in ads, movies and videos. I mean it's odd because she's openly been involved in several suspect relationships, produced and starred in a horrific movie, and is infamous after her very public emotional breakdown a few years back. Not to mention her terrifying boob job(s).
But to her credit (and my surprise), she releases a new album, and fans are lined up to buy it. Instead of discussing any one of the questionable choices Mariah has made over the years, fans are giggling, screaming and insisting "she's back".

Platonic Friends...Cont'd

As previously discussed, I have a few male friends, who really are 'just friends', at least in my mind. One of these friends has made some hints of his romantic interests, several months ago. We don't spend much time together anymore, but after clearing things up, and him dealing with some of his own personal issues, we're back to being legitimate friends. No hit-ons to worry about.
My BF knows a bit about what went down between us, and obviously doesn't like this guy very much. The problem - I miss chatting with the guy, and would like to hang out with him for a beer. The questions I find myself asking - Do I give up on the friendship because it makes my partner uncomfortable (and justifiably so)? Do I get together with him but lie about it to my BF (I'm a bad, guilt-ridden liar)? Or do I tell my BF the truth, and deal with the consequences?
As I"m writing this, I can guess the right answer. When I ask myself if my relationship is worth ending (should it turn into a HUGE fight) for this guy...absolutely not. But do I have to end a friendship for a guy? I didn't think I'd ever be one to face this type of situation.
I don't like lying, and I think it's a slippery slope that I don't want to take the first step towards. I'm happy to hear your input, but for now, I think I'll cancel our plans for Thursday...

Tact...an Amazing Thing

A couple days ago, while discussing the finer points of life with one of my bosses, he asked some questions about my current relationship. Not that it was any of his business, but he asked if I thought my BF was "the one". Of course I have no idea - I'm happy with him, but we haven't dated that long, and I'm really enjoying living on my own and doing whatever I want, in no rush to settle down. Also, as I explained to him, there are many things in my life I still want to do, and I'm not sure he'll want, or be able to, do them with me. My boss then proceeded to quote He's Just Not That Into You, of course upsetting me. It's one thing if a close girlfriend tells you that, or if things had been going poorly with the relationship and I suspected it myself already. But for someone completely outside the relationship, with a sprinkling of information to use those harsh words...brutal.
I spent some time wondering what qualifies him to be able to tell me something like that. But what really perplexed me, was how he thought saying that would NOT upset me. As I teared up, he started back-pedalling, and asking even more questions about my feelings for my BF. Needless to say, things were awkward for the next 1/2 hour or so. I give his wife a lot of credit, because obviously he has not learned much about tact. Or at least about how to deal with emotional young women.

Love Shop

A while back I went to a Love (Sex) Shop with a couple friends. I worked to maintain my composure while we wandered through the store wide-eyed, often with tilted heads and quizzical looks on our faces. I happened to notice a middle-aged couple getting a guided tour through the vibrator section. No exaggeration, a tour. The worker was showing them different models and describing the pros and cons of each. In the end, they didn't buy anything, but thanked him for the introduction and time and promised to return.
What gets me is how they got there. Were they sitting around at the end of a dinner party with a few of their coupled friends, finishing off their wine and dessert, when the Sex Store on Yonge Street came up? Maybe their friends recommended that they check it out, just as if it was a new restaurant in the theatre district. Or did they discuss it one day over breakfast, and decide to make some changes to their sex life? In that case, I gather they were on a tour of sex stores around the city, feeling them out before they made a big purchase. Or perhaps it was merely entertainment, and they have a favourite store uptown, but this provided the similar benefits of a pub crawl, minus the hangover.
Either way, I'm sure they're enjoying their new-found excitement, and I'm thankful to be provided with a distraction from the human-arm-sized sex toys.

Crying

I cry a lot, and anyone who knows me can attest to that. I think as a species, women tend to cry a lot. Call it hormones, call it negative self-talk, call it PMS...when we hit a rough patch, often our first instinct is to cry. The thing is, crying is often not an option and even when it is, it's usually not a very good one. Think work, a public place, in front of someone you're trying to impress. When you do break down and cry in front of your co-workers, your landlord, or your boyfriend's parents, you have to work that much harder to regain their respect when the waterworks have stopped.
If I find myself starting to tear up, I try to tell myself to suck it up. I don't know when I began believing it is ok to cry about everything, but I will not let myself become one of those people who spends half their life blubbering about something.
For those times when you really do just need a good cry, go somewhere private, give yourself 5 minutes to sob (quietly if it's a bathroom stall) and move on.
Take the high road and I promise you'll love yourself more.

Alumni Event

I am going to an alumni event for my university on Friday, and to be totally cliche, I'm wondering what to wear, if I'll be good enough, successful enough, etc etc. The kicker is I met my ex 2.5 years ago at the same alumni event. I didn't know him when we were at the same university, but we met at the downtown Toronto hotel in 2006 and hit it off. Turns out we only dated for about 4 months, but when things ended I was left feeling sad and a bit stunned.
I'm assuming he'll be there on Friday. And I'm really hoping I can see him and look great. What to wear, what to say...the stress of it all. The good thing is I have absolutely no desire to ever in a million years date him again. I'm in a happy relationship with a much more understanding, fun, and exciting guy. Plus, this ex is a bit of an ass. Yet I still want him to regret saying goodbye to me.
So I've picked out my outfit and I'm hoping I'll finally be able to look good in front of him. Of the 3-4 times that I've run into him since breaking up, I've been totally caught off guard. One encounter was at a subway station, with me wearing a pom-pommed toque and bulky coat, and another was at my part-time job, where I was wearing a not-so-flattering uniform. Although somehow when I imagine our encounter, I am 6 inches taller, 10 pounds thinner and with longer, blonder hair...all of this by Friday.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Making Choices

I often find myself feeling flustered because I 'must' attend two parties in one night; while working late, exercising and trying to save money. As girls we put so much pressure on ourselves to be there for everyone, attend everything we're invited to, and maintain fabulous relationships with boys, friends and family, and even with random acquaintances.
Parties and social events are supposed to be fun, not something that we dread or think up excuses to miss. I never want to be that friend who cannot be relied upon, and I'm not suggesting skipping out on your friends' big days. However, taking some time for yourself, to have a lazy night at home, or snuggles with your guy, is ok. When you stop and remind yourself that you don't 'have' to do anything, it helps put everything in perspective, and parties will stop being social obligations and start being parties.

Good Conversations

Every once in a while, girls I know end a relationship that wasn't an 'official' relationship to begin with. You know, the situations where two people are 'seeing each other', or 'talking'. At the prospect of ending things, the girls often complain, saying things like: 'we had such great conversations', 'I'll really miss his texts', or 'he kept me company when I was on that long drive'.
I'm won't even get started on why text or phone-only relationships are sketchy (save that for another post), but next time you find yourself saying something along those lines, just ask: "Was it really a good conversation?". I think girls often mistake a guy paying a small amount of attention to them for a good connection. I bet that in most cases the girl spends the entire conversation (texting or otherwise) wondering when he's going to ask to see her, if he's going to say something nice, or if he will finally tell her that he really is into her. The guy on the other hand, is probably just putting his time in so you don't get mad, or filling a hole in his timetable.
The next time your thinking about 'missing that great conversation', delete his number and call or text a real friend.

The Times They Are a Changing...

I've reached the age where everyone I know is getting married. When you look on Facebook now, the status updates and wedding social invites far outnumber the drunken pictures, and the standard response to "what's new?" is "I'm engaged!!".
I like to think that I'm not bitter about being un-attached. I quite enjoy living on my own and doing whatever I want, when I want. But things change when your friends get married. When I go to visit a friend in a different city, it's not really a girls weekend anymore since she lives with her husband (or even long-term BF for that matter) and they will be incorporated into our plans. When I want to complain about the latest guy I'm dating, it's not as fun to hear about her perfect husband. I liked that game much better when we could swap sketchy stories.
I am very happy for my friends who have found true love. I am however, slightly sad to see our relationships change, as I know their next steps will be buying a house, moving out of downtown, having babies, and the like. Unless I start moving a little faster (a lot faster) we will never again be sharing the same stages, the same problems, until we're about 40.

What Are We?

Here's a situation most women are all too familiar with:
I had been dating a guy for about a month and a half. The last few dates were at his new condo, where he made dinner (he cooked surprisingly well), and the two of us watched a movie. Following dinner we headed to the bedroom, where we may or may not have slept together, but either way things progressed past casual. At least in my mind. And up pops the question that is well-known to the entire female population; 'What are we?'.
I analyzed things with my friends, I ran through countless conversations, emails and texts, analyzing every word and emoticon. I would ask him what he did last night and wonder if he was out with another girl, and if he was, do I even have a right to be upset?
This all inevitably lead to 'the talk'. I told my friends that I had a date, and that this was the night for 'the talk'. If he didn't want me as his GF, then forget him. We had a nice dinner, followed by a movie on the couch (wow things got old pretty quickly). I asked him what he thought about 'our situation'. And surprise surprise, I got 'you're a really great girl' quickly followed by an explanation of why he knew I wasn't 'the one'. Granted, he was a few years older, and unbeknownst to me, was looking for someone to settle down with. I heard a full listing of my good qualities, accompanied by a few reasons why he didn't see it working out.
To be honest, I wasn't that into him in the first place. He is definitely near the bottom of my 'Boys I Miss the Most' list. The points he made were legit; I also wasn't that excited to be with him and the attraction was mediocre. The brutal thing was that I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to make me his girlfriend, so that I could be the one with the choice to make.
He suggested that we keep seeing each other, which I stupidly agreed to. I wasn't good enough to be his GF, but I was fine to spend time with until he met a girl who was good enough. I went with it for one night, at one drunken party, and realized that I was laying my ego down for a good stomping.
For some reason women are not good with the unknown. We might be having a great time with someone, but at some point we need to categorize the relationship. I believe in protecting yourself sexually and ensuring he's not sleeping around, but otherwise, why is it so important to have the title?
Please remember: If, and when, you decide to proceed with 'the talk', you must be prepared for the relationship to end completely. Otherwise you're setting yourself up to be walked all over. Take it from me.

The L Word

I'm totally petrified of telling someone I love them. Thanks to my addiction to popular media, I can think of 800 horrible situations that could play out with those words suspended in mid-air. Unfortunately, I can't seem to picture the right response, the words that would mean so much to hear, coming back from my significant other's mouth.
I remember back in the day, with my first few boyfriends, where the words seemed to come easily, or more likely my BF was the first to awkwardly fumble over them. Was that really Love? Probably not...but it seemed like it at the time. Back then, I didn't even consider the fact that they might respond with 'thank you' (Friends), 'I'm hungry' (Seinfeld) or total silence (latest chick-lit book I read).
I've had friends who have been the first to say 'the L word' and when the guy wasn't feeling it, or more likely he was just scared to admit he was, things quickly fell apart. That is a big hurdle to overcome if you want the relationship to continue.
I always believed that when the words seemed to be falling off your tongue, like you had to work so hard to keep them in, that was when you knew it was right. Maybe so, but for now I'll stick with my typical 'I like you' or maybe even 'I heart you'. It's definitely not mature, and there's a chance that when I'm drunk I'll let down my guard, but I'm just not ready to learn how to snuggle around the words hovering in the air between us.

Changing With a Man, Not For a Man

Someone once told me that when you're in a relationship, the more you like someone, the more you'll change. At first I strongly disagreed with this statement. We're taught as women to stick to our beliefs, to be our 'own person', and never to change for a man.
Today I think that if you truly care about the person and the relationship, you do change. And for the better. I'm talking changes like enjoying new genres of books or film, trying new food, or PDAs on the subway. Maintaining the person you are is important, but being open to growing or changing in small ways can make your world a much brighter place.

Dealing with Disappointment

Sometimes we get sideswiped by unexpected bad news or events. Like being passed up for a promotion at work, being dumped when you thought the relationship was going well, or learning your best friend can't make it out for her planned visit.
There are a few ways to deal with times like this.
1) Mope: This is definitely the easier alternative. Slump your shoulders, stick out your pouty lip, and sulk. Let negative thoughts take over your head, and put yourself down, adding to the criticism you may have just received. The outcome - you'll feel worse about yourself, and be further behind in your goals than you were when you first got the bad news.
2) Positive thinking: Look at the disappointment as a minor setback and an opportunity to grow and learn from. This is definitely the tougher method - it's so much easier to pout (I'm a pouty lip expert). But if you can suck it up, plan your next steps, and move on, you'll be in a better position in no time.
Dealing with disappointment in a positive way helps you realize that what happened wasn't the end of the world. In fact, something else even better might come along. Maybe you'll apply for a new, higher paying job, or you'll meet a wonderful man, or you'll get a surprise visitor soon. I'm a firm believer that things really do happen for a reason, so keep your chin up, your lip in, and always look for the silver lining.

Learning From My Mom

Since I've moved out of my parent's house, I've really come to appreciate the advice they have to offer. Yes, there are some things that they're super old-school or unreasonable about, but for the most part my parents have imparted some great wisdom on me. I find that now, when my mom visits, I actually seek out the advice (which is often actually criticism in disguise).

These are some of the highlights, feel free to take 'em or leave 'em.
- Enjoy your 20's. I'm always a bit offended when my mom tells me her 20's were the best time in her life (she had me at 31), but I can definitely understand her reasoning. At this age, most of us are working, so we have the money to travel, eat out, go for brunch, party it up, and buy the frivolous things that make us feel and look great.
- Enjoy having little to no responsibilities. Sometimes it seems like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders, but when you think of it in relation to what others are probably dealing with, it's nothing. So I'm broke one month. I stay home a few more nights per week, and I'm back on my feet in no time. There is no responsibility to a family (ignore this if you have kiddies already) or often, nothing more than rent and a few bills that HAVE to be paid. I'm not saying slack off and be irresponsible, I just appreciate the fact that we won't be this 'free' for much longer.
- Travel. I love travelling, and I know it's not for everyone. But if you do find yourself wishing you could visit Turkey or move to Paris, visit a friend in Thunder bay or take a vacation to Montreal, DO IT. Whatever you think is holding you back probably isn't actually that important, and if it is, it can often be replaced or substituted in the next city.
- Love and appreciate your family. Life just isn't as sweet without people to share the ups and downs with. Appreciate who you have in your life while you have them.
- Enjoy the "now". You never know what life will bring you in 5, 10, 25 years. Too often we spend our time thinking about how much better things will be at a later stage in life, without recognizing that we're experiencing some amazing things right now! Take time to breathe it all in.