A Fine Line: Desirable vs. Desperate

Let me set the scene: A group of cute girls get dressed up, trying to find the perfect cross between skank and pretty. Maybe a short skirt with a more conservative top will work. They have some drinks and get each other pumped up for the night. Yes you do all look pretty, no your stomach doesn't look fat and yes your hair is sexy with curls. You reassure each other that you will all meet tons of great guys tonight.
Get to the club, do a couple shots, and walk the bar to scope things out. Start dancing and everyone is feeling great. Something switches (maybe it's the small hand moving to 1) and it's a few drinks and many songs later, the dancing is more off-balance and scandalous and the pickings are fewer. The legit couples have called it a night, more singles have paired off and those who haven't are wasted and desperate.
The 2 o'clock shuffle begins and those who are scared of spending the night alone throw out their standards and join forces. Maybe it's an issue of timing, of drinking or scandalous dancing, but there's always a point in the night when the confident, fun, desirable girl who walked in the club becomes the desperate single.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Actually, no, let's not talk about sex.

In case you have forgotten, I am a woman, and therefore I'm not thinking raunchy thoughts every minute of the day. Sure, women have their needs and desires, and often enjoy the physical aspect of relationships just as much as (or more than) many men. But that does not mean that we want to hear or read about these things as we're going about our day.

I have been having perfectly nice conversations with men, perhaps discussing careers, family or the plans for the weekend, when that little word sneaks it's way into the conversation. I am much more excited and interested by questions relating to my travels or favourite restaurants, than I am by discussions of sex positions or "what you want to do to me when you see me next". Sorry to be lewd but I can't believe that men actually think it's OK to casually throw this into a conversation, while I could barely force my fingers to type the phrase.

I am by no means a prude nor do I shy away from flirting - this is just plain annoying. Following up a perfectly polite, chatty text with a sexually-charged message throws girls off and makes them wonder how many other girls you're sexting with at the same time. Stick with personal, polite messages and phone conversation and I guarantee you'll get to the real thing quicker.

Marry Me

Remember in Junior High and High School when there was so much gossip about who liked who? It was all about not who liked, but 'liked' each other. You either liked a guy and wanted them to be your BF or you didn't. If we thought adolescence was confusing, life seems to have gotten much more difficult today, at least in the dating department. Yes, we're no longer struggling with chemistry and awkward growth spurts, but now there are numerous ways in which you can 'like' someone.

Recently a guy told me about a girl he knew who "was going to be his wife". They didn't know each other well, but he could tell she was someone he would want to marry. He was planning to get to know her better and I'm sure wined and dined her beyond his regular standards. Even on one of my guilty pleasure reality shows the guys categorized women as "take home to mom" or "wife" types vs. girls they just wanted to sleep with or casually date. And although these guys aren't angels, they did treat those "wife" types way better than the average girl.

In some ways I think this is BS because how do you really know you want to marry someone that early on? But I can understand that a girl can be that type - kind, beautiful, and probably has her shit together. It seems that overnight being the hottest girl in the room or the most fun girl, dancing on tables and doing shots is not quite so attractive. In university, these were the girls that everyone tripped over themselves to talk to (or lift off the table), and although I'm sure guys still love chatting them up, they won't always be the number one girl on their minds.

I'd chalk it up to the age of guys I know, and their eventual desire to have a bit more stability in their lives (at least for some period), but being a dream girl is no longer about the length of your skirt.

Crazy But True

Crazy thoughts - we've all been there and for most it happens too often. I almost forgot how bad this feeling was, how intense it can be and how quickly it can hit you.

Wondering where a guy is, why your text hasn't been returned or why he didn't call when he promised he would. He may be with someone else - a cool new girl he met last night while you were at home studying. Then again it is late - he could be sleeping or his phone could have died. Or perhaps you did something to upset him during your last email exchange or he's plain just forgotten about you...

Dating can be a wonderful high and new relationships are filled with anticipation and excitement, but when our brains take over it is exhausting. Sigh...I'm going to lie down now.

Coffee Date

There are an unusually large number of young, attractive, potentially available people at downtown Starbucks throughout a day. I'm sure this is why so many people in Toronto go there to "read" or "write". The turnover is also so quick that you could find yourself sharing a table with several attractive men in the span of an hour.

I always hear stories of people meeting a cute stranger at Starbucks. The other day I spent an hour at a downtown location waiting to meet a friend, and a cute guy sat in the comfy chair across from me. Although a few furtive glances were exchanged we continued focusing on our respective activities until he left 20 minutes later.

It got me wondering - how do you make the move to start talking with a stranger? Gone are the days of asking for the time (I had my phone in my hand) and I don't smoke so no asking for a light outside. The chairs were spaced quite far apart so although we could have made great eye contact, we would have been near yelling to hear each other. In the past I have commented on a guy's book if it's something I recognize, but in this case I don't know how to pronounce Sudoku, let alone complete one.

I guess I'll have to work on my small talk, develop some questions about the 'area' (could I ask for directions?) and improve my eyelash batting. Yes, maybe that will work.

There is an "I" in Selfish

Long-term relationships are great. It's wonderful to have someone greet you who's interested in your day when you come home after a rough day at work. Relationships mean always having a date for weddings, birthday parties and business functions, not to mention the benefits of snuggles every night and regular 'relations'. Unfortunately, more so for some, long-term relationships also mean compromise.

For those of us who are selfish, these relationships are especially challenging. Being in a committed relationship means compromising on all sorts of things - where you live, when you take your holidays, what money you spend, whose family you visit and which parties to attend. While you may no longer be the only one responsible for making dinner, you also aren't the only one who gets to choose what to eat. When life is getting you down and you want to move away or try your hand at adventure travel, you have someone else to consider. When you want to return to school or try a career change, you may be hesitant to take on additional debt or move to a new city.

Although these things sound petty, live with someone and you'll soon miss the freedom that comes with being single. Call me selfish (I've already accepted it) but I'm looking forward to choosing my next apartment location, taking a trip for an extended period and going for drinks with anyone I want, ex-BF's or mysterious male acquaintances included.

Closing Time

A few years ago I was totally hung up about never wanting a good night out to end. I think most of that anxiousness is due to years of build-up and anticipation for attending clubs - when it finally happened I couldn't get enough. I always felt like the night didn't get good until close to 1am, and we had to be home by 2am so that didn't make much of a night.
When I got a bit older the after-parties were the best part of my Saturday. This might have been a group outing to Perkins or someone's place nearby. Often the after party was in the guy of the moment's basement, followed by a walk (or taxi ride) of shame a few hours later. Several times I ended up in sticky situations because I didn't want the night to end. More than once, I decided to head with a friend to a post-bar party with a few guys rather than call it a night with the reassurance that I'd be back at the bar in a week. I was lucky that nothing bad ever happened, but I know that my enthusiasm for continuing a great night put me in some sticky situations to say the least. I've learned that rarely does anything better happen after 2am, especially when you don't know your fellow partiers' last names.