Checking My List

In celebration of the holiday season, I've been checking my own list of sorts. This is also a list of names, but unlike Santa mine focuses on date-ability rather than on behaviour. And everyone on my list is well into adulthood.

When I became single again I felt like there were so many fish in the sea, many of them people I already knew. I still believe there are tons of guys out there, especially in a big city like Toronto, but the people I had initially thought of to be potential dates are quickly running out. It's not like I had anyone lined up, but there were men I have known for years who I thought had potential to become more than friends.

I feel like I'm scanning through the list quite quickly, and coming up empty. Some of the guys have girlfriends now (you snooze you lose), others I just don't like in that way, and the rest are totally not BF material. Funny how the grass is always greener - I had wondered in the past how things would be if I dated these guys, picturing that we would be so compatible. I made the rookie mistake of believing if someone is a good friend they'll be a good BF.

One Two Three Four

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. He told me that most people who aren't in committed relationships have 3 - 4 people "on the go" at one time. I like that term - on the go - because that's just what it is. It's not dating, it's not even necessarily hanging out. It could be a textual relationship, or someone you email every day at work, or maybe you just flirt when you regularly run into each other at parties. Either way it's someone you have something with, someone your friends know about (even though they probably refer to him by nickname only), and someone you think about from time to time. And yes, many people have 3 - 4 of these relationships on the go at once.

When my friend first told me this I was sceptical - that seems dirty and over-stated. Maybe the hottest girls or the smoothest guys have stats like that, but surely not normal people. Then I thought about it a bit more. In the times I've been single I have definitely had that many guys on the go at once. There was no physical relationship, and to that point there were probably a few of them who I never saw. Today I have what could be considered flirtatious text and email conversations (and don't forget facebook convos...eek) with guys I have no intention of dating, and if I'm honest, I don't even care if I see some of them within the next month or two.

So why do it? It's simple really: it fills a void. A void caused by having no boyfriend, no one to meet you at home after a tough day, no one to share exciting news with, and no one to tell you they miss you/think you're hot/laugh at your jokes. By having someone you can message when it's a slow night at the bar or who checks in on how your weekend went, you don't always notice how much you miss having that special person in your life.

The next time you message a guy who you have no intention of dating, think about how many guys you have on the go this week. You may just surprise yourself.

I Saw The Sign

Five signs that a guy isn't that into you:

• He pushes too aggressively to hook up, continuing even though he knows you feel uncomfortable
• He talks about the 'girl he wants to marry' to you
• He invites other people to join you when you are hanging out
• He goes out with mutual friends and doesn't invite you
• He picks up someone else in front of you

These seem obvious...but how many times have you ignored the signs?

Sleepovers

I like to have sleepovers with boys. And we really just sleep. I enjoy the cuddling and the company and the excitement of spending intimate time with someone. Sleepovers are completely accepted behaviour among girls. If I came home the next day saying I had a one-night stand I may get judged, but in this case girls justify it. After all, it's not like I hooked up, and we dismiss the night by saying 'nothing happened'.
We easily brush off the event, but would I do that with someone if I had a BF at home? Absolutely not! So that should go to show that 'something' happens during sleepovers, even if it is just cuddling!
If nothing physical happened, there are still feelings involved, often more than if you just have sex with someone. Sleeping beside someone, cuddling, talking into the wee hours of the night makes you much closer to someone and feels more reminiscent of a real relationship. Those are things people miss when they're single - being hugged, held, and talked to in the morning upon waking up. So 'stuff' did happen.

Liar Liar

Is lying early on in a relationship a deal-breaker? Many women would say yes, but I say it depends on the circumstance.
For example, if you meet at a club or on a holiday, you have to expect there will be a bit of exaggeration from both parties. If a hot guy in Hawaii is chatting me up I'm not going to admit I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, while he might call himself a lawyer when he's in his final year of law school. It's innocent fun and more likely than not this type of meeting won't lead to a long-term relationship anyway.
There is a difference between this type of 'fibbing' and a full-out lie further into a relationship. If you've been out with someone a few times and he is still pretending he has a different career or he hasn't told you his real age (he's obviously not 28 like he says he is) that should be a major red flag. It's really a no-win situation: If he's a bad liar it's painful to be with someone who is so insecure they have to lie about who they are. If he's good at lying and you didn't even suspect him, then what else is he lying about?

A Fine Line: Desirable vs. Desperate

Let me set the scene: A group of cute girls get dressed up, trying to find the perfect cross between skank and pretty. Maybe a short skirt with a more conservative top will work. They have some drinks and get each other pumped up for the night. Yes you do all look pretty, no your stomach doesn't look fat and yes your hair is sexy with curls. You reassure each other that you will all meet tons of great guys tonight.
Get to the club, do a couple shots, and walk the bar to scope things out. Start dancing and everyone is feeling great. Something switches (maybe it's the small hand moving to 1) and it's a few drinks and many songs later, the dancing is more off-balance and scandalous and the pickings are fewer. The legit couples have called it a night, more singles have paired off and those who haven't are wasted and desperate.
The 2 o'clock shuffle begins and those who are scared of spending the night alone throw out their standards and join forces. Maybe it's an issue of timing, of drinking or scandalous dancing, but there's always a point in the night when the confident, fun, desirable girl who walked in the club becomes the desperate single.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Actually, no, let's not talk about sex.

In case you have forgotten, I am a woman, and therefore I'm not thinking raunchy thoughts every minute of the day. Sure, women have their needs and desires, and often enjoy the physical aspect of relationships just as much as (or more than) many men. But that does not mean that we want to hear or read about these things as we're going about our day.

I have been having perfectly nice conversations with men, perhaps discussing careers, family or the plans for the weekend, when that little word sneaks it's way into the conversation. I am much more excited and interested by questions relating to my travels or favourite restaurants, than I am by discussions of sex positions or "what you want to do to me when you see me next". Sorry to be lewd but I can't believe that men actually think it's OK to casually throw this into a conversation, while I could barely force my fingers to type the phrase.

I am by no means a prude nor do I shy away from flirting - this is just plain annoying. Following up a perfectly polite, chatty text with a sexually-charged message throws girls off and makes them wonder how many other girls you're sexting with at the same time. Stick with personal, polite messages and phone conversation and I guarantee you'll get to the real thing quicker.

Marry Me

Remember in Junior High and High School when there was so much gossip about who liked who? It was all about not who liked, but 'liked' each other. You either liked a guy and wanted them to be your BF or you didn't. If we thought adolescence was confusing, life seems to have gotten much more difficult today, at least in the dating department. Yes, we're no longer struggling with chemistry and awkward growth spurts, but now there are numerous ways in which you can 'like' someone.

Recently a guy told me about a girl he knew who "was going to be his wife". They didn't know each other well, but he could tell she was someone he would want to marry. He was planning to get to know her better and I'm sure wined and dined her beyond his regular standards. Even on one of my guilty pleasure reality shows the guys categorized women as "take home to mom" or "wife" types vs. girls they just wanted to sleep with or casually date. And although these guys aren't angels, they did treat those "wife" types way better than the average girl.

In some ways I think this is BS because how do you really know you want to marry someone that early on? But I can understand that a girl can be that type - kind, beautiful, and probably has her shit together. It seems that overnight being the hottest girl in the room or the most fun girl, dancing on tables and doing shots is not quite so attractive. In university, these were the girls that everyone tripped over themselves to talk to (or lift off the table), and although I'm sure guys still love chatting them up, they won't always be the number one girl on their minds.

I'd chalk it up to the age of guys I know, and their eventual desire to have a bit more stability in their lives (at least for some period), but being a dream girl is no longer about the length of your skirt.

Crazy But True

Crazy thoughts - we've all been there and for most it happens too often. I almost forgot how bad this feeling was, how intense it can be and how quickly it can hit you.

Wondering where a guy is, why your text hasn't been returned or why he didn't call when he promised he would. He may be with someone else - a cool new girl he met last night while you were at home studying. Then again it is late - he could be sleeping or his phone could have died. Or perhaps you did something to upset him during your last email exchange or he's plain just forgotten about you...

Dating can be a wonderful high and new relationships are filled with anticipation and excitement, but when our brains take over it is exhausting. Sigh...I'm going to lie down now.