Every once in a while, girls I know end a relationship that wasn't an 'official' relationship to begin with. You know, the situations where two people are 'seeing each other', or 'talking'. At the prospect of ending things, the girls often complain, saying things like: 'we had such great conversations', 'I'll really miss his texts', or 'he kept me company when I was on that long drive'.
I'm won't even get started on why text or phone-only relationships are sketchy (save that for another post), but next time you find yourself saying something along those lines, just ask: "Was it really a good conversation?". I think girls often mistake a guy paying a small amount of attention to them for a good connection. I bet that in most cases the girl spends the entire conversation (texting or otherwise) wondering when he's going to ask to see her, if he's going to say something nice, or if he will finally tell her that he really is into her. The guy on the other hand, is probably just putting his time in so you don't get mad, or filling a hole in his timetable.
The next time your thinking about 'missing that great conversation', delete his number and call or text a real friend.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Times They Are a Changing...
I've reached the age where everyone I know is getting married. When you look on Facebook now, the status updates and wedding social invites far outnumber the drunken pictures, and the standard response to "what's new?" is "I'm engaged!!".
I like to think that I'm not bitter about being un-attached. I quite enjoy living on my own and doing whatever I want, when I want. But things change when your friends get married. When I go to visit a friend in a different city, it's not really a girls weekend anymore since she lives with her husband (or even long-term BF for that matter) and they will be incorporated into our plans. When I want to complain about the latest guy I'm dating, it's not as fun to hear about her perfect husband. I liked that game much better when we could swap sketchy stories.
I am very happy for my friends who have found true love. I am however, slightly sad to see our relationships change, as I know their next steps will be buying a house, moving out of downtown, having babies, and the like. Unless I start moving a little faster (a lot faster) we will never again be sharing the same stages, the same problems, until we're about 40.
I like to think that I'm not bitter about being un-attached. I quite enjoy living on my own and doing whatever I want, when I want. But things change when your friends get married. When I go to visit a friend in a different city, it's not really a girls weekend anymore since she lives with her husband (or even long-term BF for that matter) and they will be incorporated into our plans. When I want to complain about the latest guy I'm dating, it's not as fun to hear about her perfect husband. I liked that game much better when we could swap sketchy stories.
I am very happy for my friends who have found true love. I am however, slightly sad to see our relationships change, as I know their next steps will be buying a house, moving out of downtown, having babies, and the like. Unless I start moving a little faster (a lot faster) we will never again be sharing the same stages, the same problems, until we're about 40.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
What Are We?
Here's a situation most women are all too familiar with:
I had been dating a guy for about a month and a half. The last few dates were at his new condo, where he made dinner (he cooked surprisingly well), and the two of us watched a movie. Following dinner we headed to the bedroom, where we may or may not have slept together, but either way things progressed past casual. At least in my mind. And up pops the question that is well-known to the entire female population; 'What are we?'.
I analyzed things with my friends, I ran through countless conversations, emails and texts, analyzing every word and emoticon. I would ask him what he did last night and wonder if he was out with another girl, and if he was, do I even have a right to be upset?
This all inevitably lead to 'the talk'. I told my friends that I had a date, and that this was the night for 'the talk'. If he didn't want me as his GF, then forget him. We had a nice dinner, followed by a movie on the couch (wow things got old pretty quickly). I asked him what he thought about 'our situation'. And surprise surprise, I got 'you're a really great girl' quickly followed by an explanation of why he knew I wasn't 'the one'. Granted, he was a few years older, and unbeknownst to me, was looking for someone to settle down with. I heard a full listing of my good qualities, accompanied by a few reasons why he didn't see it working out.
To be honest, I wasn't that into him in the first place. He is definitely near the bottom of my 'Boys I Miss the Most' list. The points he made were legit; I also wasn't that excited to be with him and the attraction was mediocre. The brutal thing was that I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to make me his girlfriend, so that I could be the one with the choice to make.
He suggested that we keep seeing each other, which I stupidly agreed to. I wasn't good enough to be his GF, but I was fine to spend time with until he met a girl who was good enough. I went with it for one night, at one drunken party, and realized that I was laying my ego down for a good stomping.
For some reason women are not good with the unknown. We might be having a great time with someone, but at some point we need to categorize the relationship. I believe in protecting yourself sexually and ensuring he's not sleeping around, but otherwise, why is it so important to have the title?
Please remember: If, and when, you decide to proceed with 'the talk', you must be prepared for the relationship to end completely. Otherwise you're setting yourself up to be walked all over. Take it from me.
I had been dating a guy for about a month and a half. The last few dates were at his new condo, where he made dinner (he cooked surprisingly well), and the two of us watched a movie. Following dinner we headed to the bedroom, where we may or may not have slept together, but either way things progressed past casual. At least in my mind. And up pops the question that is well-known to the entire female population; 'What are we?'.
I analyzed things with my friends, I ran through countless conversations, emails and texts, analyzing every word and emoticon. I would ask him what he did last night and wonder if he was out with another girl, and if he was, do I even have a right to be upset?
This all inevitably lead to 'the talk'. I told my friends that I had a date, and that this was the night for 'the talk'. If he didn't want me as his GF, then forget him. We had a nice dinner, followed by a movie on the couch (wow things got old pretty quickly). I asked him what he thought about 'our situation'. And surprise surprise, I got 'you're a really great girl' quickly followed by an explanation of why he knew I wasn't 'the one'. Granted, he was a few years older, and unbeknownst to me, was looking for someone to settle down with. I heard a full listing of my good qualities, accompanied by a few reasons why he didn't see it working out.
To be honest, I wasn't that into him in the first place. He is definitely near the bottom of my 'Boys I Miss the Most' list. The points he made were legit; I also wasn't that excited to be with him and the attraction was mediocre. The brutal thing was that I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to make me his girlfriend, so that I could be the one with the choice to make.
He suggested that we keep seeing each other, which I stupidly agreed to. I wasn't good enough to be his GF, but I was fine to spend time with until he met a girl who was good enough. I went with it for one night, at one drunken party, and realized that I was laying my ego down for a good stomping.
For some reason women are not good with the unknown. We might be having a great time with someone, but at some point we need to categorize the relationship. I believe in protecting yourself sexually and ensuring he's not sleeping around, but otherwise, why is it so important to have the title?
Please remember: If, and when, you decide to proceed with 'the talk', you must be prepared for the relationship to end completely. Otherwise you're setting yourself up to be walked all over. Take it from me.
The L Word
I'm totally petrified of telling someone I love them. Thanks to my addiction to popular media, I can think of 800 horrible situations that could play out with those words suspended in mid-air. Unfortunately, I can't seem to picture the right response, the words that would mean so much to hear, coming back from my significant other's mouth.
I remember back in the day, with my first few boyfriends, where the words seemed to come easily, or more likely my BF was the first to awkwardly fumble over them. Was that really Love? Probably not...but it seemed like it at the time. Back then, I didn't even consider the fact that they might respond with 'thank you' (Friends), 'I'm hungry' (Seinfeld) or total silence (latest chick-lit book I read).
I've had friends who have been the first to say 'the L word' and when the guy wasn't feeling it, or more likely he was just scared to admit he was, things quickly fell apart. That is a big hurdle to overcome if you want the relationship to continue.
I always believed that when the words seemed to be falling off your tongue, like you had to work so hard to keep them in, that was when you knew it was right. Maybe so, but for now I'll stick with my typical 'I like you' or maybe even 'I heart you'. It's definitely not mature, and there's a chance that when I'm drunk I'll let down my guard, but I'm just not ready to learn how to snuggle around the words hovering in the air between us.
I remember back in the day, with my first few boyfriends, where the words seemed to come easily, or more likely my BF was the first to awkwardly fumble over them. Was that really Love? Probably not...but it seemed like it at the time. Back then, I didn't even consider the fact that they might respond with 'thank you' (Friends), 'I'm hungry' (Seinfeld) or total silence (latest chick-lit book I read).
I've had friends who have been the first to say 'the L word' and when the guy wasn't feeling it, or more likely he was just scared to admit he was, things quickly fell apart. That is a big hurdle to overcome if you want the relationship to continue.
I always believed that when the words seemed to be falling off your tongue, like you had to work so hard to keep them in, that was when you knew it was right. Maybe so, but for now I'll stick with my typical 'I like you' or maybe even 'I heart you'. It's definitely not mature, and there's a chance that when I'm drunk I'll let down my guard, but I'm just not ready to learn how to snuggle around the words hovering in the air between us.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Changing With a Man, Not For a Man
Someone once told me that when you're in a relationship, the more you like someone, the more you'll change. At first I strongly disagreed with this statement. We're taught as women to stick to our beliefs, to be our 'own person', and never to change for a man.
Today I think that if you truly care about the person and the relationship, you do change. And for the better. I'm talking changes like enjoying new genres of books or film, trying new food, or PDAs on the subway. Maintaining the person you are is important, but being open to growing or changing in small ways can make your world a much brighter place.
Today I think that if you truly care about the person and the relationship, you do change. And for the better. I'm talking changes like enjoying new genres of books or film, trying new food, or PDAs on the subway. Maintaining the person you are is important, but being open to growing or changing in small ways can make your world a much brighter place.
Dealing with Disappointment
Sometimes we get sideswiped by unexpected bad news or events. Like being passed up for a promotion at work, being dumped when you thought the relationship was going well, or learning your best friend can't make it out for her planned visit.
There are a few ways to deal with times like this.
1) Mope: This is definitely the easier alternative. Slump your shoulders, stick out your pouty lip, and sulk. Let negative thoughts take over your head, and put yourself down, adding to the criticism you may have just received. The outcome - you'll feel worse about yourself, and be further behind in your goals than you were when you first got the bad news.
2) Positive thinking: Look at the disappointment as a minor setback and an opportunity to grow and learn from. This is definitely the tougher method - it's so much easier to pout (I'm a pouty lip expert). But if you can suck it up, plan your next steps, and move on, you'll be in a better position in no time.
Dealing with disappointment in a positive way helps you realize that what happened wasn't the end of the world. In fact, something else even better might come along. Maybe you'll apply for a new, higher paying job, or you'll meet a wonderful man, or you'll get a surprise visitor soon. I'm a firm believer that things really do happen for a reason, so keep your chin up, your lip in, and always look for the silver lining.
There are a few ways to deal with times like this.
1) Mope: This is definitely the easier alternative. Slump your shoulders, stick out your pouty lip, and sulk. Let negative thoughts take over your head, and put yourself down, adding to the criticism you may have just received. The outcome - you'll feel worse about yourself, and be further behind in your goals than you were when you first got the bad news.
2) Positive thinking: Look at the disappointment as a minor setback and an opportunity to grow and learn from. This is definitely the tougher method - it's so much easier to pout (I'm a pouty lip expert). But if you can suck it up, plan your next steps, and move on, you'll be in a better position in no time.
Dealing with disappointment in a positive way helps you realize that what happened wasn't the end of the world. In fact, something else even better might come along. Maybe you'll apply for a new, higher paying job, or you'll meet a wonderful man, or you'll get a surprise visitor soon. I'm a firm believer that things really do happen for a reason, so keep your chin up, your lip in, and always look for the silver lining.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Learning From My Mom
Since I've moved out of my parent's house, I've really come to appreciate the advice they have to offer. Yes, there are some things that they're super old-school or unreasonable about, but for the most part my parents have imparted some great wisdom on me. I find that now, when my mom visits, I actually seek out the advice (which is often actually criticism in disguise).
These are some of the highlights, feel free to take 'em or leave 'em.
- Enjoy your 20's. I'm always a bit offended when my mom tells me her 20's were the best time in her life (she had me at 31), but I can definitely understand her reasoning. At this age, most of us are working, so we have the money to travel, eat out, go for brunch, party it up, and buy the frivolous things that make us feel and look great.
- Enjoy having little to no responsibilities. Sometimes it seems like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders, but when you think of it in relation to what others are probably dealing with, it's nothing. So I'm broke one month. I stay home a few more nights per week, and I'm back on my feet in no time. There is no responsibility to a family (ignore this if you have kiddies already) or often, nothing more than rent and a few bills that HAVE to be paid. I'm not saying slack off and be irresponsible, I just appreciate the fact that we won't be this 'free' for much longer.
- Travel. I love travelling, and I know it's not for everyone. But if you do find yourself wishing you could visit Turkey or move to Paris, visit a friend in Thunder bay or take a vacation to Montreal, DO IT. Whatever you think is holding you back probably isn't actually that important, and if it is, it can often be replaced or substituted in the next city.
- Love and appreciate your family. Life just isn't as sweet without people to share the ups and downs with. Appreciate who you have in your life while you have them.
- Enjoy the "now". You never know what life will bring you in 5, 10, 25 years. Too often we spend our time thinking about how much better things will be at a later stage in life, without recognizing that we're experiencing some amazing things right now! Take time to breathe it all in.
These are some of the highlights, feel free to take 'em or leave 'em.
- Enjoy your 20's. I'm always a bit offended when my mom tells me her 20's were the best time in her life (she had me at 31), but I can definitely understand her reasoning. At this age, most of us are working, so we have the money to travel, eat out, go for brunch, party it up, and buy the frivolous things that make us feel and look great.
- Enjoy having little to no responsibilities. Sometimes it seems like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders, but when you think of it in relation to what others are probably dealing with, it's nothing. So I'm broke one month. I stay home a few more nights per week, and I'm back on my feet in no time. There is no responsibility to a family (ignore this if you have kiddies already) or often, nothing more than rent and a few bills that HAVE to be paid. I'm not saying slack off and be irresponsible, I just appreciate the fact that we won't be this 'free' for much longer.
- Travel. I love travelling, and I know it's not for everyone. But if you do find yourself wishing you could visit Turkey or move to Paris, visit a friend in Thunder bay or take a vacation to Montreal, DO IT. Whatever you think is holding you back probably isn't actually that important, and if it is, it can often be replaced or substituted in the next city.
- Love and appreciate your family. Life just isn't as sweet without people to share the ups and downs with. Appreciate who you have in your life while you have them.
- Enjoy the "now". You never know what life will bring you in 5, 10, 25 years. Too often we spend our time thinking about how much better things will be at a later stage in life, without recognizing that we're experiencing some amazing things right now! Take time to breathe it all in.
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