I Can't Help But Assume...

All too often girls assume that a guy is into them. Here's a familiar situation: A guy approaches me and I think he's coming to chat me up. If I'm uninterested, I will pre-emptively cut him off. But in reality he's actually just trying to reach the bar (which I'm blocking). This situation ends up being mildly embarrassing and pretty funny, no harm done. Sometimes this can prove to be a tough situation though.

What if it's a co-worker? You've exchanged some flirtatious emails, and maybe he's asked you out casually with other friends. Should you assume he's into you? You can't send an email response saying "I like exchanging these emails that build my confidence and pass the time at work, but I'm not into you" unless he's actually made it clear he likes you like that. Another tricky situation is with randoms at bars. If a guy is chatting you up at a bar and you have a BF, at what point should you tell him you're currently attached? Maybe he's just talking with you to pass the time while his buddy is getting your friend's number. If you incorrectly assume he's wheeling you, you not only scare him off but you seem desperate and unapproachable. After all, who doesn't like a little friendly conversation?

I suggest that from here on guys make it extremely clear when they're into girls. Especially if you have another type of relationship - professional or on a friend level. Please put your egos aside and let us be clear on what your intentions are...then we will shoot you down.

Video Replay

When I was in gymnastics our coach would videotape us attempting new skills in order to show us what we were doing wrong. It's much easier to correct a tumbling line or bar dismount when you can see exactly where your mistake was, even if your coach has been telling you for the past 20 attempts.

I would like to use this technique on my dates, and would especially like to watch a video of myself on a first date. While I know it would be cringe-worthy, I could probably learn a lot about how to improve my game. Even without video replay I knew I was making some mistakes on a recent date.

Things to remember on a first date:

• Do not refer to your ex-boyfriend as your boyfriend. For example: "I went to Boston with my boyfriend.". While in your head you know that means "my boyfriend at the time", your date is not in your head.
• Do not obsess about being short and only dating short guys. While this is pretty accurate in my case, I probably could have stopped discussing the short waiter and the fact that he may like me because I'm short. Especially when my date isn't that tall himself. Yes, I might have a short complex, but he doesn't need to know that one hour into our date.
• Do not share the story of a creepy friend who repeatedly hits on you. While I'm sure there was a point at the start of the story, I realized mid-way through that I just sounded like I was bragging. Although I don't believe that a creepy hit-on is something to brag about, others might.
• Do not be overly self-deprecating. While everyone likes someone who can poke fun at themselves, I was even annoying myself when I got to the third or fourth negative story or comment about myself. When I entered the bar I felt cute, fun, sexy and smart, but somehow throughout the night I forgot to mention any of the things that make me feel that way.

At this point I just feel relieved that he decided to still talk to me the following day!

Eager Beaver

I spot a guy at a party who is attractive and who seems to be confident, fun and outgoing. We start talking and he seems interested in me. I'm enjoying myself; it's nice speaking with someone who seems to listen to what I'm saying and who is giving off good vibes.

Another ten minutes pass and I can tell he's totally hooked. He's trying too hard to make things work by asking very personal, prying questions, and he seems to be laughing at basically everything I say. I even begin testing him - I purposely argue with some of his points or I stop hiding my boredom, but he just seems to be more enthralled. It gets to the point where I'm struggling not to roll my eyes at what he says, and I must literally place my hands on his chest to ensure he keeps his distance from me.

Despite this, he asks when I'm free this week, and tells me he'll be available anytime I am! I haven't quite written him off, but this area of the bar is really beginning to reek of desperation.

Although it's lovely when someone is interested in you, eagerness is a whole different ball game. A guy who is too eager for a date seems desperate, and it's as if he'd be willing to settle for anyone - which means you're no longer special. What started as a promising exchange ends up being a rejection (by me) that leaves me glancing over my shoulder for the rest of the evening.

Me and the Boys

After a lot of analyzing, multiple instructions and hours of contemplating, I went on my trip with the boys. Seven of them. And it was great. I did my best to follow my friends' suggestions in order to be a cool (or chill) girl while hanging out with a group of guys. Mostly I just did what I usually do, which is basically to drink and have fun, but it was still nice to have the notes to refer back to!

I think it was a successful venture, and here's why:

• No plans were altered because I was there (no one seemed overly concerned when I went to bed while they gambled the night away!)
• I kept up with them, whether drinking, eating unhealthy meals, walking in the cold or shopping (especially shopping).
• OK there was one place where I didn't even come close to keeping up - the craps table. But I am a cute dice-roller and I enjoy bopping beside the table when I get bored.
• I felt comfortable enough with all the guys that I could be sitting beside anyone and have a fun time.
• While I did my best to get ready quickly and be easy-going about our plans, I still managed to feel cute and stylish when we went out (ie. I was still a girl).
• I didn't hit on anyone, suggest a late night rendez-vous or uncomfortably share a bed.

I do have to say that these were some of the coolest, most fun, respectful guys I've ever hung out with, so they deserve some credit for making my job easy. I just hope they agree with my self-assessment!

One of the Guys Part III

I've almost exhausted this topic, but not quite. Since I asked so many people for advice on being a cool girl while partying with guys, I thought I'd share what one male friend had to say. Note the emphasis on the first two points.

§ Be funny

§ Be hot

§ Wear jeans, but dress well – dress better than the guys you hang out with

§ Dress for the occasion – look good but don’t over-dress (don’t wear 4 inch heels to a wings night)

§ Be down for doing “guy stuff”

§ Be assertive – don’t be afraid to suggest an activity

§ Don’t be afraid to go home or not join in on an activity (rather than complain)

So let me get this straight...I just need to...actually this is pretty clear. I think I know what I need to work on.

Blanket Statement

Blankets can work wonders on stay-at-home dates. I am not sure what it is about a blanket, but being cozy beneath one just seems to invite snuggles and hand-holding.

Those early, nervous, let's-watch-a-movie dates are always awkward. And when you want to make a move but are unsure how the other person feels, it is a daunting task, no matter what your track record.

The fastest way to alleviate any awkwardness as well as actual physical distance between the two of you is to pull that blanket off the shelf and throw it over yourself. This will undoubtedly lead to the guy moving closer to "share the blanket". If he has any interest in you at all, he will want to share the blanket; even if he's not the slightest bit cold. It could be +35 inside and he would ask to share. Once you're sharing the blanket, it's almost as if you have to snuggle - it would be wrong to do anything else.

So guys - take note - when a girl asks for a blanket, she is cold but she`s probably also hoping to close the two foot gap between you.

Calling It A Night

I always stay out too late. I've written about this in regards to partying too late and ending up in bad news bears snuggles. But today I refer to dates that continue on too long.

I can have a fun time with almost anyone for an hour or two. Past that things usually either begin dragging on or getting annoying. When you think about it, spending 3+ hours with a near-stranger is pretty crazy.

This is a timeline of me on a typical date:

Hour one: Friendly, fun, cute

Hour two: Flirty, interesting, witty

Past the two hour mark: Borderline-sloppy drunk, while simultaneously craving being home alone on the couch without having to listen to this guy natter on.

While it's fun to get to know someone new and have a few drinks, calling it a night after a couple hours is usually the best idea.

Is This Your Stop?

Nearly every day this winter I've seen at least one attractive young guy while riding the subway in the morning. I have wanted to approach them - not always for me but maybe for one of my friends - but I'm not sure how. I've made eye contact over a few stops but let's be honest - someone has to be pretty brave to approach a stranger on a crowded subway. Not to mention that every stop brings the possibility that your crush is going to get off: it's not like we all wear signs announcing that we're exiting at St. Andrew's so they only have two stops left to make a move!
I've come up with a few possible ways to break the ice or initiate a conversation but I'm not sure I'll be trying any of them out soon.

• Accidentally fall into them when there's an abrupt stop
• Sit beside them and ask them to hold something for a moment as you kerfuffle with your giant purse
• If you exit the train at the same time, strike up a conversation as you're exiting the station
• Make fun of someone else on the train. I know that's not very friendly, but there are always an array of amusing people and rolling your eyes with someone can be a bonding experience!

My last resort is making up cards that say "you're hot, come to my mixer next month" so I better come up with some better conversation starters, stat!

Chat Room

Speaking with someone for hours on end, whether in person or online, allows you to really get to know them. Someone who is witty, funny and seems interested is so attractive, they'd catch my attention even without knowing what they look like. It's amazing that some people can make me want to chat forever - just by asking questions, replying promptly, and making me feel pretty (without seeming sleazy) I end up going to bed an hour later than planned.

I guess this is the benefit of online dating - it gives people a chance to get to know each other without all the focus being on the so-called chemistry or physical attraction. What I've discovered is the benefit of meeting someone through an alternate online channel: they're not necessarily out there with the sole purpose of meeting a girlfriend, hook-up or date. Having a chance to innocently chat online, be it via Facebook or email, allows people to have a regular conversation or make a new friend.

It's not every day I meet someone who can keep up with my comments and who can make me literally LOL. Technology and various chat platforms make it especially difficult to show your sarcastic side without appearing as a plain old rude girl, so when a guy 'gets' me it really counts for a lot.

Even if he's not my usual kind of guy, maybe it's worth seeing if the chemistry translates to real life.

Checking My List

In celebration of the holiday season, I've been checking my own list of sorts. This is also a list of names, but unlike Santa mine focuses on date-ability rather than on behaviour. And everyone on my list is well into adulthood.

When I became single again I felt like there were so many fish in the sea, many of them people I already knew. I still believe there are tons of guys out there, especially in a big city like Toronto, but the people I had initially thought of to be potential dates are quickly running out. It's not like I had anyone lined up, but there were men I have known for years who I thought had potential to become more than friends.

I feel like I'm scanning through the list quite quickly, and coming up empty. Some of the guys have girlfriends now (you snooze you lose), others I just don't like in that way, and the rest are totally not BF material. Funny how the grass is always greener - I had wondered in the past how things would be if I dated these guys, picturing that we would be so compatible. I made the rookie mistake of believing if someone is a good friend they'll be a good BF.

One Two Three Four

I had an interesting discussion with a friend of mine yesterday. He told me that most people who aren't in committed relationships have 3 - 4 people "on the go" at one time. I like that term - on the go - because that's just what it is. It's not dating, it's not even necessarily hanging out. It could be a textual relationship, or someone you email every day at work, or maybe you just flirt when you regularly run into each other at parties. Either way it's someone you have something with, someone your friends know about (even though they probably refer to him by nickname only), and someone you think about from time to time. And yes, many people have 3 - 4 of these relationships on the go at once.

When my friend first told me this I was sceptical - that seems dirty and over-stated. Maybe the hottest girls or the smoothest guys have stats like that, but surely not normal people. Then I thought about it a bit more. In the times I've been single I have definitely had that many guys on the go at once. There was no physical relationship, and to that point there were probably a few of them who I never saw. Today I have what could be considered flirtatious text and email conversations (and don't forget facebook convos...eek) with guys I have no intention of dating, and if I'm honest, I don't even care if I see some of them within the next month or two.

So why do it? It's simple really: it fills a void. A void caused by having no boyfriend, no one to meet you at home after a tough day, no one to share exciting news with, and no one to tell you they miss you/think you're hot/laugh at your jokes. By having someone you can message when it's a slow night at the bar or who checks in on how your weekend went, you don't always notice how much you miss having that special person in your life.

The next time you message a guy who you have no intention of dating, think about how many guys you have on the go this week. You may just surprise yourself.

Coffee Date

There are an unusually large number of young, attractive, potentially available people at downtown Starbucks throughout a day. I'm sure this is why so many people in Toronto go there to "read" or "write". The turnover is also so quick that you could find yourself sharing a table with several attractive men in the span of an hour.

I always hear stories of people meeting a cute stranger at Starbucks. The other day I spent an hour at a downtown location waiting to meet a friend, and a cute guy sat in the comfy chair across from me. Although a few furtive glances were exchanged we continued focusing on our respective activities until he left 20 minutes later.

It got me wondering - how do you make the move to start talking with a stranger? Gone are the days of asking for the time (I had my phone in my hand) and I don't smoke so no asking for a light outside. The chairs were spaced quite far apart so although we could have made great eye contact, we would have been near yelling to hear each other. In the past I have commented on a guy's book if it's something I recognize, but in this case I don't know how to pronounce Sudoku, let alone complete one.

I guess I'll have to work on my small talk, develop some questions about the 'area' (could I ask for directions?) and improve my eyelash batting. Yes, maybe that will work.

Leave...For Everyone's Sake

A male friend of mine just spent an hour telling me about a girl he's been spending time with, and he is unsure of where their relationship is going. After a bit of coaxing (after the second beer there was no stopping him) he made it pretty clear that he knew where the relationship was headed - nowhere. He told me that he likes spending time with her, has fun with her, enjoys having her there to "just hang out with and watch a movie" and is hopeful that things will become intimate sooner rather than later.
The last point wasn't surprising - he is a man under the age of 70 after all - but what did confused me is why he likes all these things about her but still doesn't want to actually be with her. Even he couldn't clarify what it was, or wasn't, about her that made him sure he didn't want to date her seriously. If that`s truly the case, whatever the reason, the bottom line is he needs to leave her alone. Leave. Scram. Get outta dodge. No question about it, this girl is attached and he's hurting her more every time he answers her calls. I might have to make a follow-up phone call this weekend to see if he's listened to his dating coach...

I Like You...Don't Run Away

How do you talk to a guy you don't know without seeming creepy or desperate? It's a question we've all posed at least once in our lives (let's be honest here). In this case I'm going to cover co-workers or people you know through business, but I know this conversation could last for much longer (and probably will re-surface).
So you've been scoping out the cute guy who sits two floors down. You have no reason to talk to him - no shared projects, no department-to-department interaction, and no mutual friends. But he's oh-so cute! Well, here are my suggestions:
Organize a group outing with other co-workers and invite him to join - coffee break, patio after work or lunch
Ensure you attend all office events and participate in any extra-curricular activities - BBQ's, sports leagues, Holiday parties; it's much easier to strike up a convo when you're not hovering over his cubicle
Find a reason to learn more about what he does in his job role - perhaps you're on a new project where that knowledge could be really helpful...
Use him as a sounding board for new work-related ideas - you are implementing a new system or program in your department and you need to know how it will impact others in the organization (aka him)
Blatantly ask him what he's doing after work this Friday and if he'd like to grab a drink, or if you're not that brave, if he wants to walk to the nearby cafe for lunch
Organize a sports pool or captain a team for a charity run, and encourage your co-workers to get their departments involved. Never underestimate the power of six degrees of separation!
Find extra reasons to be on his floor - personally visit a friend instead of emailing or visit the mailroom once a day
The key to avoiding creepiness is to involve others when possible in the beginning, and don't push it. If you feel that he's reciprocating - taking you up on your offers, giving you the once-over when you walk by, or asking you to join him in return, you're good to go. Conversely if you invite him out and he doesn't seem to bite, just drop it and you will still be able to pass by with a "what's up" and maintain your professionalism and stellar reputation.

It's Warm Outside!

When the weather starts to warm up I feel like the single life is the way to go. Everyone comes out of their hibernating states and people are dressing more attractively (think leather jackets and blazers instead of down coats and toques), making the casual 'bump into' way more likely to happen. Think about those nights after work in the winter when you're supposed to go out with friends or meet a date, and you can't be bothered to trudge through the blizzard that's happening outside your office. Now reconsider that on a warm night where all you have to do is throw on a sweater and you can even wear your pumps! Girls, I know you feel me on this. Meeting up for drinks at a chic place in your Uggs or Wellies just isn't the same.
And it goes without saying that warmer weather = increased construction = more construction workers. Hot.
Obviously a few weeks of pre-mature spring weather isn't worth a break-up, but I think things are looking up for the single peeps out there.

Meeting Men

Why is it that some girls meet a new guy every week or two, when others go months without touching the 'new contact' button on their phone? Of course there are the obvious reasons - some girls are prettier, more outgoing or just plain easy. But I have witnessed vast differences among friends and acquaintances who are near equal in these fields. I know girls who are cute, confident and smart and go weeks without flirting.
I think there are 3 main reasons to explain this:
- Go out more. I know how it is - you're finished work at 7pm, feeling frazzled, and really cannot be bothered to walk to the subway in your pumps and navigate the crowds to get to the table in the back of the lounge where your friends are meeting for drinks. Pull yourself together and make an effort to get out there - you never know which night will be the one when you bump into your new BF.
- Don't be too picky. Yes you may not like balding guys, or maybe tall is your thing, but that nice guy in line behind you at Sobey's could still be a good catch. Give him a chance, after all you're looking to meet a good BF/husband, not a leading character in a Harlequin romance.
- Network. Network. Network. The more people you know the more chance you have of meeting a new guy. Make new friends, whether they're girls, gay men, guys you would never date in a minute, or people twice your age. The more people who know you, like you and want good things for you, the better that someone will introduce you to a fabulous guy.

Grade 3

Remember when guys picked on you when they liked you? I was tormented by a boy in elementary school for being so small - shrimp, midget and shorty were words I heard on a near-daily basis until my mom finally gave the teacher the heads-up. I learned later that he thought I was cute. Not exactly romantic but it was the best you could expect from an under-12-year-old boy.
I have experienced an eerily similar situation over the past few months, with a male acquaintance who relentlessly pokes fun and teases me. Seriously, he teases. I'm reminded of those long days in Grade 3, where once again my height is a source of entertainment, and the fact that I was born and raised in Winnipeg is hilarious. Seriously, who makes fun of those things after the age of thirteen? At least to the person's face!
More than a couple people have proposed the possibility that he 'likes' me. Wow if only I could be so lucky (sarcasm). I would hope by this age men have worked up the courage to get to know girls they like, or even better, flirt with them. But just in case, here's an FYI boys - mean jokes about things that we can't help, ie. our height, does not qualify as flirting.