Meet the Parents

I took my BF home to meet my family this month. He'd met some of my family before but had never experienced a weekend living in my former world. We both survived but I don't think I'll hurry to bring him back. After all, it was a bit of a stressful weekend - much less relaxing than when I visit solo. Lucky for both of us my family is pretty low key and there weren't any 35-person Arnold gatherings to suffer through or intense periods of questioning by older family friends.

During the years I've lived in Toronto I've considered bringing people home. Not often, and never too seriously (after all I would need to have a relationship that lasted past two months), but I thought about it. Now I can't imagine putting myself through that with a BF I barely knew. I keep picturing how awkward that would have been - introducing the guy to everyone who matters the most to me, only to break up one month later. Or perhaps without a solid relationship between us he would have been totally thrown off by my dad's eating habits or disgusted by the dingy area around the Winnipeg airport or my house wouldn't live up to his standards. OK that last one probably not - if he could survive hanging out in my TO apartment I'm sure my parent's house would be considered livable!

After saying all this, I can't help but wonder why girls are always in a rush to bring someone home for the first time. Yes it is a huge step forward in a relationship, but more often than not you're putting people you care about through so much only to have to do it all again when your new relationship starts next season.

Mothers

This morning I spent a few hours (torturing myself) thinking about mothers of ex-boyfriends. I'm not sure where this came from but I realized that I have dated several guys with mothers who either a) were beyotches b) disliked me or c) went really out of their way to make me uncomfortable or d) all of the above. I'm fine with the fact that they may have been unfriendly (cruel) people, or even with the idea that they didn't like me, although I can't really pinpoint what would have caused that feeling.
What is frustrating about these mothers is:
1. I stressed out so much about whether they liked me. Funny when I think about it now because who cares if the mother of your 18-year-old boyfriend approves of you? Chances are you won't be getting married or even move in together, and if she doesn't like you that means you won't have to suffer through awkward family events that always prove embarrassing for both you and your BF. I wish I could go back to those days and take back all the effort spent trying to impress these impossible mothers.
2. I was a great girlfriend, especially to these particular guys. I was a good student, had one or two part-time jobs, was polite and friendly and very much into the guys. I helped them with their classes, encouraged them to get their lives together and in a few cases I was the reason they stopped drinking/smoking/generally wasting their lives. It's so ridiculous now that I think of it - some of these guys couldn't hold down a job or pass a university course, and I was the one getting attitude from their moms?
I wonder how they treat their sons' current love interests (or maybe wives...not sure if any of these guys are married...). My bet would be no better - some people are just impossible. I'm just happy it's no longer my concern.

The Basement

I dated a guy who, when I'm honest with myself, was ashamed of me. The pathetic part is that I was nothing to be ashamed of, and the saddest part was that I actually put up with it. From date number one, he told me that his parents would never approve of me, because we were from different cultures. I had never considered this being a factor in my dating life, growing up in a very accepting household with parents of different faiths and backgrounds, and I suppose I underestimated the effects of parental disapproval and what some may consider racism. I completely understand why parents hope that their children will grow up to love another of the same background. However, living in Canada, we should be, and usually are proud and accepting of the multiple cultures that are represented in our neighbourhoods.
All I wanted was to be accepted and welcomed into the family (how things change as you get older!) and I would have done anything for his family's approval. Early in our relationship, on a particularly frustrating visit to the basement, I pointed out that to his parents (and to him?) I was as well-liked as a good student, busy volunteer and nice girl as I would have been as a drug addicted prostitute (seriously, I said this). He could do nothing but agree with me on this point.
When I think about it, if he had really been that into me, he would have put up more of a fight, rather than only inviting me over when his parents were out, or basically hiding me in the basement when they were around.

Put Yourself First

Some people I know are extra considerate of others, which obviously makes them great people, actually closer to Saints. I'm sure their lives are much better in the long run because they have good friends, caring families and are highly regarded, but I've witnessed times when they give up too many things in the interest of others. Sometimes though, you really just have to say "yes, I want to do that, thanks" and get on with it.
My mom is a great example of this - last time she came to visit there was a well-known speaker doing an event at a local Indigo store (Indigo and Chapters stores hold great events...just an FYI). I suggested we stay to watch, but of course my mom, being the generous, considerate and slightly stubborn woman she is, said she didn't mind missing it since I had an exam to study for that day. It was true, I was studying at the time, but an extra hour would not have made the difference on my exam score. We went back and forth on it a bit, and ultimately she won (as she always does). To this day I think she regrets a little bit that we didn't stay, and I definitely have a lot of regret that I didn't push harder for her to make a 'me me me' choice.
I see it all the time - people don't want to hold others up in line so they don't ask that extra question or ensure they received the right change. Some people are too nervous to complain about food at a restaurant, so they suffer through a meal they aren't enjoying and pay the full price. I have a lot of family and friends who fall into this over-considerate category, and I love them because they're wonderful, caring people. But it's important to have a balance in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "my choice is _____".
I'm on it for the next time my mom visits - I'm going to force her to make some selfish choices. After all, it's the least I can do since the majority of her visit is spent cooking, cleaning and shopping for me!

Mama's Boy

How close should a guy be with his mother? I don't want someone who hates his family or only speaks to his parents on holidays, but I don't want to be the second woman in my guy's life forever. An ex of mine was creepily close with his mom. He complimented her on her clothes without even taking a 2-second look at me (the nerve!) and talked about qualities he looked for in a woman, because they were traits shared by his mom. Believe it or not, he even told me that his affinity for large busts was because his mom was big chested. Ew. Not only is that pretty gross but since when does a guy need to explain their desire for a Double-D girl??
I know a lot of great guys who have healthy relationships with their mothers, my brother being one of them. Closeness between a guy and his mom is a great thing, but there are a lot of great women out there who I'm already competing with, I'm not looking to add another to the list.

Compromises

When you're in a relationship you have to compromise, especially when it comes to family. It's not fair to complain non-stop about their family or refuse to join in on family events. I hear girls complain about this stuff too often. Getting close to someone means getting close with their family, and the way I see it is you're on the right track if they invite you to family events, holiday dinners, etc. All too often girls lose sleep over the fact that their BF's family hates them, so you're miles ahead if you get along with them. It drives me nuts when people agree to attend the other's holiday events, just to complain non-stop about it. Obviously those family traditions are going to differ from yours (and your family probably seems kinda wacky to them). Maybe your BF has a large family, maybe they have a more religious tone to their gatherings, or maybe his mom has attitude. Whatever it is, when you say "Yes honey, I'll go to Thanksgiving dinner with your family" you better be prepared to keep your comments to yourself and smile and act sweet. After all, you only have to deal with it for a day or two.

Meet the BF

The whole idea of people who are close to you meeting a new BF/GF is pretty awkward, when you really consider it. First of all, it's hard for anyone to really get to know that person in the allotted time. It takes either multiple get-togethers (at least two or three), significant quantities of alcohol, or an interview-style meeting (think overly protective Dads). It's really important that your friends and family like the person you're with, and for me, I want to ensure they enjoy spending time with him and are comfortable when he's around, or can keep up a convo if I leave the room for a few minutes! Other than that, I'm not sure that approval plays such a significant role anymore.

Life Lessons

I've decided I would like to record some stories of older people (my Grandma will be person #1). It may sound lame but when you consider that some people close to us have been on this Earth for more than 80, maybe 90 years, that's pretty amazing. I'm not great with history, but think of all the things that have changed, appeared, and transformed since the early 1900's. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the ever-changing world of social networking and technology, I can't even imagine what it's like if your first exposure to a computer was at age 70.
With age comes maturity, regrets, pleasures and true lessons learned. I have always felt that I should learn as much from those around me who are older - whether they're 40 or 80, they have had more experiences with me, and therefore can probably impart some wisdom. Take the opportunity to talk with your grandparents, your teachers, your parents or family friends, and soak up all you can. No one is expecting you to follow every word of advice or avoid making your own mistakes, but you just might come away with a slightly different outlook on life.

Qualifications

Funny that depending on what relationship someone has with your BF, it really changes their judgement on you as a GF. Apparently my BF's mom believes a good girlfriend cooks a lot (not my strong suit), but other mothers might want to know I'm financially secure and stable. I'm quite sure that a guy's friends judge mostly on how hot a girl is (aka big her chest is?), and if they're a fun time when out drinking. Female friends of a BF probably judge my qualifications based on how nice I am or maybe just my fashion sense. You can never can't please everyone - and as long as you and your BF is happy, that is all that should matter.