The Rule

The main lesson I learned from the book (and movie) He's Just Not That Into You is that girls should expect to be the rule, not the exception to the rule. When a guy doesn't call after your first date, it's unlikely that his phone was swallowed by a bear and more likely that he just wasn't feeling it. When a guy won't call you his girlfriend, he probably wants to keep dating other girls, even if he says he has long-seeded commitment issues or is going on a worldwide adventure in a month (does he actually have a ticket booked?). The rule generally applies, regardless of the stories a guy tells you or more likely, the stories you tell yourself.

I've been spending time with a guy I met through another friend. Before becoming closer with him I had been told that he dates regularly but never anything serious. For whatever reason (or excuse) he generally doesn't have girlfriends just dates people for a month or two and moves on. This didn't bother me in the least until we began spending more time together, and as usual, the dynamic changed slightly and I became more interested in him.

He messages me regularly and acts like a great friend and stand-up guy. We have a lot of fun when we are together and he has a lot of the qualities that I look for in a guy. But it dawned on me the other night, why would this be any different for him than any other girl he's spent time with? Why should I expect the outcome to differ from his last few relationships? Not to say I don't think I'm worth it, but history has to be some sort of indicator of the future.

I'm sure he's had other cute girls laughing hysterically at his jokes, girls who he enjoyed their company and invited to hang out often. Yet he didn't make the move to officially date them, become exclusive and have a mature relationship. So why would that change with me? Rather than spend time convincing myself that I'm the exception, I think I'll move on to a guy where the rule is what I want.

Toothbrush SOS

It is too presumptuous to bring my toothbrush with me the first time I visit a guy's house? Yes yes I know it seems like a no-brainer question, but there is more to this question.

First of all, we've been out more than a couple of times, so he's far from random. Secondly, although he's never stayed over, he has been at my place until the wee hours, and I have considered inviting him to stay. Then there's the fact that regardless of who I'm visiting or where I am, it's crazy cold out, and who really feels like walking to the subway at 1am in mid-February?

I think I'll take it...but not tell him. If I get an invite to stay I'll conveniently have it with me, but if not I don't appear to be a crazy. Just when do things get to the point where it's accepted and understood you're going to stay over?

I'll Call You If You Call Me

I was back home last weekend and the thought to message my ex briefly passed through my mind. By brief I mean the thought was in and out before I even had to time to realize what it was. I am not even sure where the thought came from, my guess is it was a result of seeing some old faces and visiting past hang-outs. I was reverting to my former self; the girl who lived in Winnipeg and dated assholes.
Anyway, when I realized what my traitorous brain was suggesting, I instantly decided against it, for more reasons than one. The most obvious being that I'm in a relationship. But the most ground-breaking and important reason was that although I still know his phone number, I would wager my salary that he doesn't know mine. I am confident that he never knew mine, since I made approximately fifteen phone calls for every one he made to me. He never cared to learn mine because he knew I'd call him - no matter how much attention he gave me I'd always call. It all seems so clear - definitely the most important reason NOT to call someone.

Picky Picky

Girls are so tough on guys. A lot of women think that guys are overly picky, too shallow, or only like big boobs, but in reality I think it's the females who are the picky ones. How many times have I heard of girls ending things because the guys are too competitive or they make funny noises when they chew? A guy may be a great potential life partner but because he's under 5'11" or wears glasses he just doesn't cut it (even when the girl is 5 feet tall).
We love guys who have great jobs and are committed, but don't like competitiveness or guys who are too 'driven'. We want a guy to be close with his family but get freaked out when they're too close with their mom. I think we need to relax a bit on the expectations. By no means am I suggesting women settle but maybe we should deal with a few minor annoyances, and keep them in perspective, in order to have a great partner for the next 20, 30 or 40+ years.

It's Been Awhile...and Random Thoughts

I haven't posted forever...I'm sure that you're all heartbroken after missing my random stories and dating advice for an entire month! Things have been busy, and maybe I just haven't been as dating-crazy as usual? Wow something must be wrong!
I'm back at it and May has brought on some new goals - think of it as a New Year's Reso beginning May 1st as opposed to January 1st.
I'm officially training to run my second half-marathon in June, and I've decided to actually train in order to a) avoid major embarrassment and b) avoid any sort of heart failure along the route.
I'm working my hardest to cook more, bring my lunch to work and eat healthy snacks...I'm even cooking now as I write!
I have two trips and one (important!) visitor this month, and I'm going to do all I can to fully enjoy it all. It's going to be busy, and stressful, but I know it will all be a great time!
I'm really working on slowing down, taking deep breaths, and enjoying every day. Sometimes I find that I've been barely breathed for several minutes or that I'm rushing when I don't need to. No more!
Random thoughts, but I feel that by listing my goals here, I have several people holding me accountable!

Happy and Satisfied

As young women we're always focused on what else is out there, assuming we can always get something better. Maybe 9 things out of 10 on your list of desirable man qualities are there, but because your current guy is weak in one (most likely unimportant, shallow) area you're willing to ditch out when the next guy walks past.
I definitely don't think any woman should settle, but because your BF doesn't have the best dinner party banter or enjoy grocery shopping as much as you'd like, does that mean you can't be happy with him?
Not to be depressing, but as time goes on this nagging feeling probably lessens, as your options become less as the number of candles on your cake increase. But for young women, we like lists of 30, 40 or 50+ traits that all have to be met in order to begin to be satisfied. I encourage you to re-evaluate you list, and remember that being satisfied and happy is not the same as settling.

Update

Please know that I don't pull ALL (or even a lot of) the material from this blog from my own personal circumstances and experience. My BF/roommate is super annoying at times (aren't we all??) but I'm not throwing him out. Thanks for the input as I know people dealing with this issue, or close to dealing with this problem, and in truth any one of us could find ourselves in that tough position in the months or years to come.

So...

I don't want you to live here anymore - how do I say that to someone without totally throwing them out? Boyfriends can move in and it can all be wonderful, but it can be difficult too. I feel like moving in together is a huge life change - you may not be ready to marry someone but living together might seem like the most appropriate next move. Several months or years later, you realize it's not the right thing but maybe you're unsure of how to deal with the situation. Do you have ideas for how to end things without breaking someone's heart? How do you work through a person's quirks without completely ruining them for life?

Put Yourself First

Some people I know are extra considerate of others, which obviously makes them great people, actually closer to Saints. I'm sure their lives are much better in the long run because they have good friends, caring families and are highly regarded, but I've witnessed times when they give up too many things in the interest of others. Sometimes though, you really just have to say "yes, I want to do that, thanks" and get on with it.
My mom is a great example of this - last time she came to visit there was a well-known speaker doing an event at a local Indigo store (Indigo and Chapters stores hold great events...just an FYI). I suggested we stay to watch, but of course my mom, being the generous, considerate and slightly stubborn woman she is, said she didn't mind missing it since I had an exam to study for that day. It was true, I was studying at the time, but an extra hour would not have made the difference on my exam score. We went back and forth on it a bit, and ultimately she won (as she always does). To this day I think she regrets a little bit that we didn't stay, and I definitely have a lot of regret that I didn't push harder for her to make a 'me me me' choice.
I see it all the time - people don't want to hold others up in line so they don't ask that extra question or ensure they received the right change. Some people are too nervous to complain about food at a restaurant, so they suffer through a meal they aren't enjoying and pay the full price. I have a lot of family and friends who fall into this over-considerate category, and I love them because they're wonderful, caring people. But it's important to have a balance in your life, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "my choice is _____".
I'm on it for the next time my mom visits - I'm going to force her to make some selfish choices. After all, it's the least I can do since the majority of her visit is spent cooking, cleaning and shopping for me!

Trust Your Heart

I tend to over-analyze a lot of things, as do most girls I know. In fact, a big part of my current job is analytics - what can I say, I'm good at it! As I've got older, I've stopped analyzing every single move that a guy makes in a relationship, but I still spend too much time fretting over decisions (the bigger, the better). When I first considering living co-habitually with my BF, I had elaborate ideas of a test-run, many ground rules, advice from every possible person and umpteen ways to cover my butt should the situation turn sour. If I had had my way originally, I would probably have a month-long test run, then have him keep his place for another 6 months 'just in case'.
Not to say that you shouldn't watch out for your own well-being, but there's only so much in life that you can plan for. I fretted about the decision for a few months, but recently I began to feel very comfortable and excited by the idea - you could say it felt good in my heart, that was what sealed the deal for me. I'm still making sure I'm looked-after in the deal, but I'm up for whatever happens. Too often people don't put enough stock in their feelings and 'gut instinct', which is often the most telling thing in new situations.

Excuses

I'm pretty sure I've become an expert at making up excuses. If I could find a job where all I had to do was develop excuses for why people haven't accomplished their goals and dreams, I'd be set for life. Lately I have had a few...awakenings...if you will. There are changes I need to make in my life but I've been hiding behind excuses all along.
I have made complaints about various jobs pretty much forever (haven't we all?), but instead of doing something to fix them or look for something else, I blame others or allow it to happen because 'it's good money' or 'it's a bad time to leave'. I miss important moments in my friends' lives, but there's always a excuse for not being there. I have stayed with BFs for way too long, but it's because 'I didn't want to be alone' or 'they really were good guys'. I don't travel enough because of money/my BF/my apartment/I'll miss something happening here.
Enough. I'm done with it. From now on, if I decide to do/not do something it's because that is my decision - not because of anyone or anything else. What a relief for myself, and for my friends who have put up with these excuses for years.

Questioning my Motives

Since I'm questioning moving in with my BF quite a bit, I wonder why - am I just too logical of a person or is there a real reason why I don't want to commit to it? Even he pointed out that you can't be completely risk-averse with something like this. There is a certain point where you have to commit to your choice and take the good and bad that comes with it. After an annoying night I wonder why I'd ever be crazy enough to give up my place. Not to mention my ongoing thoughts on travel, money, and future plans. I have always believed that if the relationship is for real and it's a good one, you'll move in out of love and excitement. Some of those things seem to be missing for me as I make this decision.

Making Decisions

I like to take things slow in relationships, at least I've felt this way for the past few years (can't speak to my more sporadic behaviour 3-4 years ago!). However sometimes things happen that force us to make decisions or have serious discussions before we may be ready. Think: talking about moving in together because someone loses their job. Or maybe moving away together because a great opportunity came up for one half of the couple...when maybe the original plan was to consider moving 3 years down the road.
I do think that if the relationship is a good one, and you really feel like he's a good match for you, you'll find a way to make it work. It is tough though when things unexpectedly come up. I feel like sometimes these big decisions, made a few months early, can risk the relationship. But, that said, if it's meant to be sometimes it's just meant to be...maybe moving in together a year earlier is a bit tougher at first but it shouldn't be enough to break a fabulous relationship.

What You Should Do

I read a great quote by a really cool author yesterday and wanted to pass it along:
"How do you boost self-discipline? Do the things you know you should do but don't feel like doing!"
How obvious is that? But I totally need to hear that. I can't even tell you how often I don't go to the gym, don't read those books I wanted to, or eat something that is not only bad for me, but makes me feel horrible later. I believe that going that extra step to actually DO what you know you should (and want to) do makes the difference in life. Everyone must have their wild, irresponsible moments, but if you can do more of what you know you should do I'm certain you will feel better about yourself. I'm really trying to take this to heart, and may even track my successes (and failures) via this blog.

How Things Change..

It always surprises me how much life can change in a short period of time. A certain boy, formerly important to me but no longer even a close friend, messaged me the other night to tell me about a house he was looking at buying. It had special meaning to me - around 5 years ago we'd talked about wanting to buy a place just like it, in the Manitoba country. This boggles my mind a bit.
He is a really great guy (one of the few that I know) and it makes me shake my head when I consider how differently my life could have turned out. I feel like I might have been happy for a year or two, living a low-key, semi-country lifestyle, but chances are I would have become bored. I feel like I was made to live in a big city, but can't help but wonder if I became that way because I moved here?! Who knows. All I know is I'm happy with how things have turned out, and have no regrets. I may have been really happy with this person, living in Manitoba, but that's not the route I took so I'm going to try to enjoy this one as much as I can!