What's the verdict on being friends with an ex? It seems like a conversation for the ages, and I've heard opinions on it from almost everyone I know. When I was younger I managed to remain friends with a lot of exes, thanks mostly to a) I was pretty well over it and probably the one who broke it off or b) I'd already begun dating someone else who, at the time, seemed to be hotter and more fun or c) I still enjoyed the time I spent with them and didn't want them out of my life.
In later years, as the typical bad-boy type entered my life, I tried to stay friends but it was a totally unhealthy situation. I obviously still liked them, even though I wouldn't admit it (like I was fooling so many people) and every few outings would end with me in tears wondering (sometimes to myself, or on the more unfortunate nights, aloud to them) what was so wrong with me that they didn't want to still date me. I'm shuddering at the memories.
So, now that I'm older and wiser (?) I really don't know if it's possible. When I think of it objectively, I have one ex (of many) who I'm friends with. Legitimate, good-natured, I really want the best for him, but don't want him, friends. We broke up about 7 years ago, and now live in different cities. We grab a beer most times I'm in town, and catch up through email every month or two. Friends. Other than that, I've cut most exes out of my life. There was too much jealousy, sadness, or uncertainty, that was just getting in the way of my life. My final thoughts on the matter are that you can't always hope to be friends, and it's actually the rarity that it works out. In many cases you never should have been friends to begin with, and those people are meant to stay as exes.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Big Steps
I've had brief, semi-serious conversations with my BF about moving in together. I don't think it will happen anytime soon, if at all, but the conversations are starting nonetheless. To be honest, the thought scares me more than a bit, and although I love spending time with him, I have never really pictured myself living with someone. I think there's this belief that all girls spend the time between 5 yrs old and 25 yrs old planning their weddings, the number of offspring they'll produce, and complete details of the ideal romance. That's so not me (and I'm sure it's not a lot of you either). In fact, I totally cannot picture myself walking down the aisle, wedding dress shopping, or even moving a BFs stuff into my/a new apartment.
I've spent time considering this fact before, and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of it is probably a result of having a mom who's not very 'girly'. This by no means is a bad thing, we just didn't spend a lot of time gushing about things like hair-dos, designer wedding gowns, or the perfect romance. I'm really happy that wasn't a big part of my childhood - I've had my entire young-adult life to worry about those things, and I'm sure another many years to stress over it.
I guess for now I need to realize that one day, I might be the girl on Facebook who announces she's moving in with a BF or *gasp* even getting married. To be clear...by one day I mean approx 10 years down the road...
I've spent time considering this fact before, and I've come to the conclusion that a lot of it is probably a result of having a mom who's not very 'girly'. This by no means is a bad thing, we just didn't spend a lot of time gushing about things like hair-dos, designer wedding gowns, or the perfect romance. I'm really happy that wasn't a big part of my childhood - I've had my entire young-adult life to worry about those things, and I'm sure another many years to stress over it.
I guess for now I need to realize that one day, I might be the girl on Facebook who announces she's moving in with a BF or *gasp* even getting married. To be clear...by one day I mean approx 10 years down the road...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Damn Technology
Obviously dating in this 'day and age' is a lot different than it was 10, or even 5, years ago. People rely so much more on texting, email, online dating, BBM, Facebook...the list goes on. In today's world, very rarely do I have phone conversations with anyone, aside from my family, and even then I am more likely to send them an email than dial the phone.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.
The problem is that texting with a new love interest just doesn't compare to speaking with them on the phone. Sure it's easier, quicker and you can edit what you say rather than bumble and fumble your way along, but it removes almost all of the personality from the conversation. When you don't really know someone, those first few phone convos can really tell a lot about that person, the chemistry between you, and what a potential date could turn out like.
The other problem is making plans through texting just doesn't mean the same thing as when you speak with someone. I've done it myself, with both guys and friends - we'll text about some vague plans, and if I'm not feeling it that day, I don't usually have a problem with sending a text to suggest a rain check. However, to cancel plans after specifically speaking about the date or girls' night, and putting time into the past phone convo(s), it becomes a much bigger deal, and a bigger disappointment for the other person.
Fighting
Some couples fight more than others - we all have friends who seem to read each others' minds and have few, or basically no, conflicts. Then there are the friends who seem to disagree on everything - this can range from nagging, frustrated comments to full-fledged screaming arguments.
In some cases this may be because the people are from a way different up-bringing or background, and their belief systems are just to different. Or maybe one or both people are naturally more dramatic or passionate, building small issues into great ones.
Whichever the reason, there has to be a point where you ask yourself if all the fighting is worth it. If every second thing your BF says or does annoys or frustrates you, he may not be the right guy for you. A good test is to ask yourself if you'd be friends with him, if you weren't actually dating - most of us don't deal with friends who annoy us every few hours, but for some reason we don't just put up with it with boyfriends, we take every opportunity to point these things out, and fight about them! Passion in a relationship is good, but crying isn't...you have to draw the line somewhere.
In some cases this may be because the people are from a way different up-bringing or background, and their belief systems are just to different. Or maybe one or both people are naturally more dramatic or passionate, building small issues into great ones.
Whichever the reason, there has to be a point where you ask yourself if all the fighting is worth it. If every second thing your BF says or does annoys or frustrates you, he may not be the right guy for you. A good test is to ask yourself if you'd be friends with him, if you weren't actually dating - most of us don't deal with friends who annoy us every few hours, but for some reason we don't just put up with it with boyfriends, we take every opportunity to point these things out, and fight about them! Passion in a relationship is good, but crying isn't...you have to draw the line somewhere.
For Real Relationship
I think I've really grown up in the relationship department (yes, it's about time...). I remember the days (OK it was last year) where I'd purposely talk about a close guy friend to my BF/date-of-the moment, making ambiguous comments in order to make him jealous. Or when I'd make plans and go out, ignoring when my guy du jour called...hoping he'd be a bit worried.
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...
I know this all sounds so evil, but I'm sure I was doing it because I was going through so much stress myself - no doubt these were 'semi-relationships' with boys who JWTIM (Just Weren't That Into Me) and I spent countless nights worrying about where they were/what they were doing/who they were doing it with/to.
A few weeks ago I realized that I no longer speak with any of the sketchy guys I used to - including exes who were kinda friends, randoms that I'd dated or wanted to date, guys who liked me but I pretended we were platonic friends, and the like. I know I should have got rid of these guys long ago, but it took a grown-up, happy relationship for me to do it. Because right now the thought of my BF worrying about me or being upset because I'm flirting with a guy actually makes me feel sad - he doesn't deserve to go through that. Wow what a change...I really am getting older...
Monday, June 22, 2009
Your Own Worst Enemy #1
Girls are so hard on themselves, it perplexes me sometimes. I mean this first of all in a general way, but specific to today's 'lesson', I'm referring to working out/losing weight/being healthy.
I can't speak for all men, but I really can't imagine a guy talking negatively to himself 10 minutes after consuming a bag of chips, tearing up because he is going to look bad at the beach the next weekend. Sometimes work-outs have to be skipped (it is summer and patio season after all)...but enjoy the night off, rather than feeling guilty like you're playing hookey from the gym.
I'm all for self-control (usually) and maintaining a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle, but seriously girls, cut yourselves some slack! Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on the areas you don't like, pick out a few things that you know really rock - be it your lips, butt, or toes. Work out twice this week instead of 4 times - it won't throw everything off and you'll probably be more excited to get back into the gym the next time. This is a great time in life - we're young, healthy, and I'm pretty sure will look back on this time in years to come, wishing we were back in this shape!
I can't speak for all men, but I really can't imagine a guy talking negatively to himself 10 minutes after consuming a bag of chips, tearing up because he is going to look bad at the beach the next weekend. Sometimes work-outs have to be skipped (it is summer and patio season after all)...but enjoy the night off, rather than feeling guilty like you're playing hookey from the gym.
I'm all for self-control (usually) and maintaining a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle, but seriously girls, cut yourselves some slack! Instead of looking in the mirror and focusing on the areas you don't like, pick out a few things that you know really rock - be it your lips, butt, or toes. Work out twice this week instead of 4 times - it won't throw everything off and you'll probably be more excited to get back into the gym the next time. This is a great time in life - we're young, healthy, and I'm pretty sure will look back on this time in years to come, wishing we were back in this shape!
Single and Proud of It...Most of the Time
I honestly think that 75% of my Facebook news feeds are taken up by announcements of engagements, upcoming wedding socials (aka Stag and Doe if you're from ON) and dress fittings. I suppose this is a lot better than sad announcements of divorce and break-ups, but after a while I start to wonder if people celebrate anything else any more.
I don't like to consider myself a bitter aging girl...but at times I feel like it. Have I finally hit that point in my life where the only question people will ask me upon return trips to Winnipeg is 'So when are you getting engaged?' or 'Let me see your finger'? I am proud of the life that I have built for myself in a new city - and my Facebook updates celebrate birthdays, condo purchases and job promotions. But it's a far way in the future that it will announce an engagement. So far that Facebook will be on it's 35th model with an even more confusing layout and the computers will read our minds so we don't have to use our fingers...OK I digress...but you get my point.
Although being single is the right thing for me now, my biggest worry is that this difference will separate my married/engaged friends and I even further than our physical distance across Canada has.
I don't like to consider myself a bitter aging girl...but at times I feel like it. Have I finally hit that point in my life where the only question people will ask me upon return trips to Winnipeg is 'So when are you getting engaged?' or 'Let me see your finger'? I am proud of the life that I have built for myself in a new city - and my Facebook updates celebrate birthdays, condo purchases and job promotions. But it's a far way in the future that it will announce an engagement. So far that Facebook will be on it's 35th model with an even more confusing layout and the computers will read our minds so we don't have to use our fingers...OK I digress...but you get my point.
Although being single is the right thing for me now, my biggest worry is that this difference will separate my married/engaged friends and I even further than our physical distance across Canada has.
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